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Original poster

how to raise a kid that doesn't become a pot head or drink too much

28 replies

justtakingabath · 01/02/2019 22:44

Ok, DS is just 7. But I was raised by potheads and his dad (ex) still smokes regularly. It was somehow normalised for me but having seen the light (after myself being a regular smoker for a while and it screwed up my mental health) I haven't touched it for years.

Also my parents normalised booze and fairly heavy drinking. Frequently they demonstrated drunk behaviour, hangovers etc. I'm not sure if it's because of how it was normalised I too was at times a problem drinker binging and drinking too much in the week as well (no longer, woo hoo!).

Having seen the light I wondered if anyone has any tips on how to talk to their kids about booze, pot etc. I think it's a given that most teens will try it at some point. But I desperately don't want him to fall down the rabbit hole of becoming a pot head or having alcohol issues.

Any thoughts welcome from anyone that's managed to successfully raise kids that are sensible with such things!....

OP posts:
User5436477 · 01/02/2019 22:51

My kid is still little but my plan is to get him into sport. Teens that are really into sport are much less likely to drink and take a lot of drugs IME

Original poster
justtakingabath · 01/02/2019 22:53

ah thanks user, we're really not a sporty family! but there is time...!! I need to get a bit more sporty myself. I know.

OP posts:
Original poster
justtakingabath · 01/02/2019 22:53

Good idea btw!

OP posts:
Bumblebee39 · 01/02/2019 23:03

Yes sport is good. As are other extra curricular that give them confidence and fill their time, like the performing arts. I think if they are fairly busy they don't really have time to do that stuff

Also, being open with them to talk to you about that stuff is important, whilst also making it clear you would never enable it

Ragwort · 01/02/2019 23:05

Agree that sport is good, but my 17 year old enjoys quite a few drinks when out with (older) team mates ......

Ted27 · 01/02/2019 23:08

cubs and scouts, my son is 14, and too busy on camps, hikes and other activities. He is also very much into sport, his heroes are all sports men and women and has taken in the messages about clean sport. He is very anti drugs and drinking, he was utterly scandalised when I had half a cider on a hot day at a rugby match. If he spends most of his time in your care , then you are modelling the behaviour you want from him. Schools also do a lot on drugs these days.
It is a worry, my son is very impressionable. I went to the lenghs of getting a man shed built for him. Its very popular for sleepovers where they stuff themselves with pizza and pringles, they are on the premises but not in the house so I can keep on eye on them. I've also been very strict on him going out. I've no problem with him going out as long as there is a plan, no random hanging out in parks or roaming the streets.

Sickoffamilydrama · 01/02/2019 23:11

As he gets older Talk about the bad sides of alcohol and drugs but also be clear why people do it. It feels good/makes them forget but that it's a temporary sticking plaster and doesn't improve the underlying problem.
Luckily we have potheads (possibly smack as well) next door to us who have regular sessions of slamming doors and shouting at their kids, so our kids already dislike drugs. Especially as their bedroom regularly reeks of weed, never known someone smoke so much!

Original poster
justtakingabath · 01/02/2019 23:13

I love this one sickoff, great one. Yes, getting across the temporary sticking plaster thing, this is really important.

I don't want him to be a total goody goody. If he is then fine, but if he does drink once in a while also fine! so long as it's not a problem and he knows he must treat it with respect.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 01/02/2019 23:14

Yeah, probably not rugby, with all the drinking games culture......

Agree with BumbleBee that any extra curricular activities are good - both from the point of view of filling their time and also that self confidence.

I'd also say lead by example. Most people don't end up as pot heads or alcoholics (or even heavy drinkers), but there is a correlation between upbringing and what happens to you as an adult. You have managed to break away, so you set him a good role model.

AnotherEmma · 01/02/2019 23:16

Read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and reflect on the impact of your childhood and your parents' behaviour. Consider how you will change the pattern for your child(ren). Get counselling and/or work on your parenting skills if necessary. (NB I am not saying that you're not a good parent because of your history, just that you might need to be proactive about learning, as you didn't have good role models.)

Charles11 · 01/02/2019 23:17

I’m another who is hoping education, sports and scouts/cadets will be enough adventure and excitement in their lives that they don’t need to look elsewhere.
Fingers crossed.

Bumblebee39 · 01/02/2019 23:19

@justtakingabath

I would love mine to be goody goodies the Goodier the better especially my boy

It keeps them out of trouble Wink

chocolatecake08 · 01/02/2019 23:24

This has just made me evaluate my whole entire life🤔

I never drink alcohol (absolutely hate the taste) and never did compare to people in school as a teenager. Im happy enough to stay at home when my friends go on nights out but i have no idea why i am like that as i was never brought up with alcohol being 'bad' it was always since i was a teenager if i wanted to go out and get drunk i could and id learn from my mistakes or if i wanted a drink and Christmas but for some reason I actually never really did chose to drink🤔🤔

hawleybits · 01/02/2019 23:30

Definitely filling their time with activities- for us it's actually rugby (without too much boozing!) and music. DS and DD both good communicators and have always brought friends home from an early age.
Also, rightly or wrongly, I've always been quite outspoken with my thoughts around drugs and alcohol. My DC are now adults and thankfully came through unscathed.

Floralnomad · 01/02/2019 23:31

I’ve done the same as my parents did with us which is always make our dc aware that if they wanted to drink or smoke then they were welcome to do so at home and there was no need to hide it . Consequently I now have a 26 yr old ds and a 19 yr old dd neither of whom drink or smoke , it probably helps that neither dh or me smoke or drink .

Original poster
justtakingabath · 01/02/2019 23:33

that's an interesting one @floralnomad! I quite like the sound of it - why do you think this might have worked?

OP posts:
Somethingsmellsnice · 01/02/2019 23:33

As a mum of 3 boys sports and a gym membership as soon as they are old enough.

Disclaimer: they don't smoke or dondeugs but all 3 are social drinkers once they got to yr 13 and up!

Somethingsmellsnice · 01/02/2019 23:34

Who is donduegs?Grin do drugs!

greathat · 01/02/2019 23:36

Lots of hobbies and building their self confidence. In my experience it's the kids with low self esteem that get into the most trouble

Bumblebee39 · 01/02/2019 23:36

@justtakingabath

Kids do these things to rebel if you don't care it's not rebelling

Original poster
justtakingabath · 01/02/2019 23:38

I get that bumblebee39 - in a kind of reversal my situation was that my parents didn't mind if I did it in front of them, as they were doing it too! I guess that's a bit different.... they were almost normalising it their end which made me normalise it.

OP posts:
Bestseller · 01/02/2019 23:40

I don't think there's any one answer, they're all different and many will experiment.

I agree having a committed interest helps but I don't know how you "make" that happen. I have one DS who lives and breathes Cadets and the other who doesn't really have any interests at all outside of computer games. They've both been encouraged and given every opportunity to try sports and hobbies.

From my experience of working with troubled teens, I'd say the things that really make a difference are stability, firm and consistent boundaries but reasonable levels of freedom and responsibility. Or as one old neighbour said to me the only things needed to raise a child are a firm hand and a lot of love.

Annebody · 01/02/2019 23:43

My youngest db lived with me when he was 14-18, I was in my early 20s. We often had his friends around at ours as there were no older adults just me and him, and so I was around and also heard stories of them drinking too much as well as doing other risky things!! So it is not just drinking and drugs that are dangerous. Young people do a range of stupid things!

So as I had to help him navigate his teenage years I used to just talk to him a lot, tell him of my own experiences and those of others I knew. I always talked about first aid, phoning for help. Legal implications etc. I probably made him a bit paranoid but he was pretty mature for his age and ended up helping his friends out a lot. And he didn't get into bad situations so that worked well in hindsight.

Summerisdone · 01/02/2019 23:59

Always be honest with him, as he get olds enough to, don't shy away from the fact you've been a drug user yourself, but let him know how it negatively impacted upon you and your life, and point how how the use of drugs and alcohol by your family has not only negatively impacted their lives but also the lives of those around them etc.

Drink and drug usage has always been a large problem in my extended family, but my DM has always been very honest with my sisters and me about it. She has told us stories of what my aunts used to be like before the alcohol took hold, and as I hit mid teens I saw the people my older cousins would change into as soon as they'd had coke etc.

As my DS gets old enough (so teen years) I'll be very honest with him about how weed has had a very big impact on his dad's mental health and how it's left him with constant paranoia and anxiety and anger issues (the anger usually comes when he's not had any for about 5 days).

I do worry myself though that it may just not be enough to deter him from using drugs or drinking too much as he hits his mid-late teens and older. I still always get shocked by just how normalised it is amongst young people, especially drug taking; Ive actually had people on nights out look at me in disgust for having a cig (fair enough it's a horrible habit that I'm currently quitting), but then they'll be offering round coke and ketamine and mdma like they're just offering round a bag of sweets or something Hmm
In a few different work places, I've had colleagues just casually discussing (with team leaders and assistant managers) how much drugs they took over the weekend and what a great time they had - it's all become far too normalised that I think just telling kids how bad they are isn't enough now, we need to be able to show them the proof of the effects of drugs just to get though to them.

RagingWhoreBag · 02/02/2019 00:05

Only one of my DCs has got to adulthood so far, but he’s 18 has never smoked, drunk alcohol or tried any drugs. I think these days a lot more kids are avoiding drink, it’s just not cool.

I think my DS has avoided it for two related reasons: 1, he has aspergers so is very unwilling to try new things! And 2, he knows his own mind and has always been very individual. He didn’t want the same clothes as everyone else, didn’t like the same music, always wanted his hair in a very distinctive style that others thought was a bit crazy! He knows his own mind and despite having a group of friends who smoke, drink and take drugs he’s just never been tempted and they know him well enough not to push it, and accept him for being himself.

Basically he never gave in to peer pressure and I always supported him and his siblings, in being themselves, not feeling the need to follow the crowd.

I’ve yet to see how this will work with the other DCs but so far signs are good that they are also happy to stand apart from the ‘normies’ and do their own thing.