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Original poster

Does anyone else have a really negative child?

32 replies

macnab · 31/01/2019 17:28

DS is (just) 11 and of course we love him, dearly and unconditionally. But he can be such hard work! He is bright and incredibly witty, loving, kind, very active, has friends etc. when he's in a good (or even normal) mood all is fine. But when he's in a bad mood he's a total nightmare to be around and it tends to spiral. He's just so so negative. He will go on and on about all sorts of things that he's not happy about, dragging up things that happened ages ago or (his specialty) things that in all likelihood won't happen at all. He has an answer for everything. And if I suggest something 'good' that's going to happen he'll say "and we're probably not going to do..." or "I probably won't be able to get...." It's exhausting. I could understand if there was something big or awful (even if it only seemed it to him) that happened but it tends to be small things that annoy him and he just can't seem to lift himself out of a negative mindset and then everything snowballs.

Is this hormones? (he's not always been like this, but has been getting progressively worse the last couple of years)

Is there any book or resource anyone could recommend? Or any particular advice that has worked for others? Help!

OP posts:

EeeByeGummieBear · 03/02/2019 08:46

No answers, sorry, but our DS, also 11 can be similar. Mood ok most of the time, but when it's low, it's really low. We've tried pointing out the positives etc, but he too has an answer for everything, and always on the negative side. It is exhausting isn't it! Sometimes it seems better if we leave him to it for a bit (although that is hard), and sometimes this can make his mood worse. So don't really know the best way to handle it. I'm thinking hormones must be playing a part.

Original poster

macnab · 03/02/2019 10:28

Thanks for the reply EeeByeGummieBear good to know there's at least one other family out there in same boat!

Fingers crossed it's mostly hormones, I do think DS will always be a bit more negative in general but hopefully as he matures and hormones settle down he'll be better able to cope with life's trivial challenges.

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UtterlyDesperate · 03/02/2019 10:57

I was this child, op - very Eeyore. I grew out of it in my late teens and am now relentlessly positive. I think it was growing pains/hormones adjusting/general teenage angst in my case.

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formerbabe · 03/02/2019 11:00

My ds is ten, very nearly 11 and exactly the same!

KeptTheBeachesShipwreckFree · 03/02/2019 11:06

You've pretty much described me, op. Mine is hormonal but I am a woman. I have no advice on how to deal with it either because I hate not being listened to, I don't like someone forcing me to be positive when I'm not and agreeing with or validating my feelings kind of "sets" or confirms the negativity. I'm a nightmare to live with

niceupthedance · 03/02/2019 11:06

We have Catastrophe Hour here which is an allocated time to talk about negative things then we say ok that's the end of Catastrophe Hour and change the subject (or walk away).

Original poster

macnab · 04/02/2019 19:21

Thanks for all the feedback everyone. Today's been a good day so when tucking him in later I'm going to reinforce that and hopefully he'll have a positive outlook when he wakes for another day. Fingers crossed!

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ILoveCrunchyAutumnLeaves · 04/02/2019 19:25

You could be describing my 11 yr old ds. It's mentally draining at times.

ILoveCrunchyAutumnLeaves · 04/02/2019 19:26

I think I'll try catastrophe hour thank you.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 04/02/2019 19:27

My older brother was like this. Every time he started moaning, my mum would push him out the front door and firmly tell him to jog around the block (about a mile) and return in a better mood.

He still tends to see the glass as half empty, but it is within reasonable limits now.

TryingMyBestToday · 04/02/2019 19:28

I've been trying to read the how to talk so kids will listen book and part of that is about just acknowledging feelings when they are lashing out. Pure and simple acknowledgement and nothing else and let them work through it and talk if they want. I've been trying it on my DS, and although he is a lot younger, the results are interesting and good. So I just say things like

'it sounds like you are sad'
'you seem angry'
'you sound worried about x'
'z has really annoyed you'

You don't ask them any questions just acknowledge the feeling and let them explain it or take it as far as they feel comfortable. Don't try to offer solutions (it won't be as bad as you think etc) unless they ask for it and then you work them to think of some. Worth a try?

poundoflard · 04/02/2019 19:29

Ditto for mine too. 11 almost 12
It sets the tone for the whole family. Unfortunately if hes down he can't explain whats making him so down and negative.
Even if everything was perfect he'd find something so trivial and make it into the biggest thing ever. Just to be glum.

I'd call it the EEYORE syndrome!!

Introvertedmum · 04/02/2019 19:30

My dm used to feed me or send me for a nap when I was “catastrophising” firmly believing that everything would look brighter after a meal (or an ice cream) or a nap.

It did generally help though in the long term reaching for ice cream in a crisis has a downside.

LimitIsUp · 04/02/2019 19:32

My ds did this between the ages of 10 and 13 (I hope it doesn't drag on that long for you). He would whinge and belly ache and moan on and on and then some more! One day I snapped and told him how awful it was listening to that and whilst I loved him unconditionally it was draining spending time with him when he was being so relentlessly negative....and he took it on board, and made a big effort to moderate it. He's much better now (14) and not because he is bottling up and internalising it, but just that he genuinely has a more upbeat outlook now

Odiepants · 04/02/2019 19:32

Yes, my 9 yr old DS is a total eeyore most of the time and it's pretty exhausting. He has always been a glass half empty person (like DH) but he's getting more so as the preteen hormones start kicking in.

I don't have an answer but I like the idea of catastrophe hour. I already do lots of finding the positives in the day etc but often that gets us no where if he's not in the mood to play ball.

DorothyZbornak · 04/02/2019 19:34

Going against the grain somewhat here, but to me what you're describing sounds more like anxiety than negativity. Do you think that might be a possibility at all?

poundoflard · 04/02/2019 20:07

Def anxiety for my DS. Had time off school. Often just being invited to his best friend's house would give him the runs and not able to the house. Hes know the friend and mum since he started at primary school, so it wasn't something new.

Hormones, anxiety, and everything else.... its going to be a tough ride for a while I reckon...

MrsAmaretto · 04/02/2019 20:21

Yes my nearly 9 year old son is like this.

Original poster

macnab · 04/02/2019 21:04

I don't think its anxiety, no. But I can relate to so much of what you're all saying. It's a relief! Interesting to see that it's all boys too, my thread is about a negative child I wonder if boys are more prone to this during puberty?

OP posts:

Original poster

macnab · 04/02/2019 21:05

Oh no I just realized there have been a couple of women but mostly people are describing their sons so there still might be something in it?

I love the Eeyore comparison!

OP posts:

Thecrown3 · 04/02/2019 21:14

Hi
My son is 19 and a complete negative nelly.
He drives me mad with his doom and gloom and there is no need.
Everything’s so dramatic just as how you say your child is.... and there is no need.
I’ve found no solutions as yet!! It started when he was about 13 too.

BalloonSlayer · 04/02/2019 21:14

My friend's DC is like this and she and her DH call him (privately, of course) Father Stone

It's down to anxiety, we think.

Eve · 04/02/2019 21:19

My 19 year old DS still is - funny it’s me that’s on the receiving end of the doom and gloom.

He’s been calling me after his uni exams over last few weeks to tell me how badly he’s done, how’s he failed them etc etc . By the time he talks to his dad he’s generally happier and more positive, but I get all the problems and issues. I think it’s because I listen more, do more reassuring and empathy etc. And he offloads his worries more to me.

Eve · 04/02/2019 21:20

... and I suppose 1 postive is that they are talking about their worries not bottling them up.

Original poster

macnab · 04/02/2019 21:30

Yes that's true Eve, certainly no bottling up going on in this house

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