Does anyone else have a really negative child?

[macnab]

DS is (just) 11 and of course we love him, dearly and unconditionally. But he can be such hard work! He is bright and incredibly witty, loving, kind, very active, has friends etc. when he's in a good (or even normal) mood all is fine. But when he's in a bad mood he's a total nightmare to be around and it tends to spiral. He's just so so negative. He will go on and on about all sorts of things that he's not happy about, dragging up things that happened ages ago or (his specialty) things that in all likelihood won't happen at all. He has an answer for everything. And if I suggest something 'good' that's going to happen he'll say "and we're probably not going to do..." or "I probably won't be able to get...." It's exhausting. I could understand if there was something big or awful (even if it only seemed it to him) that happened but it tends to be small things that annoy him and he just can't seem to lift himself out of a negative mindset and then everything snowballs.

Is this hormones? (he's not always been like this, but has been getting progressively worse the last couple of years)

Is there any book or resource anyone could recommend? Or any particular advice that has worked for others? Help!

DS1 is 7 and exactly like this. Definitely catastrophises everything, flies off the handle if something doesn't go how he imagines in.

His is definitely linked to anxiety though which seems to be getting worse as he gets older. He struggles to deal with change, for example if he gets an idea in his head that he wants to watch a family movie in the evening and I then tell him no, that it's a school night, then he totally overreacts. Lots of shouting, crying, stamping of feet. It's like he can't handle that the vision he's got in his head is not happening. He then apologizes over and over again, and shouts "I'm sorry", "I'm sorry" until I have to tell him very firmly that I'm not angry and he needs to stop repeatedly telling me he's sorry. He can't bear the idea that I'm angry at him when in fact he's angry at me for not allowing him to do whatever it is that I'm not letting him do.

Very difficult to know how to handle. I'm relentlessly positive and every night we do a gratitude count of all the good things that happened that day, versus the bad things. I'm aware that I want him to be able to express that he's upset with something, but I want him to acknowledge that the good things almost always outweigh the perceived "bad things".

Frankly I've no idea if what I'm doing is making him better or fucking him up more, but I'm trying my best.

Oh this is my 11 year old dd. She’s always been the same, for her it is anxiety mainly. She is very black and white in her thinking and always works out the worst case in any scenario, I think because she is genuinely stressed that it will happen. It’s worst when she’s tired or doing something new.

I’m trying to get her to work out what the feeling is, and tell me (eg. Oh I’m really tired and feel rubbish today mum) but ahem, it’s very much a work in progress. It’s knackering!

Strokethefurrywall sounds like you're doing a great job, a lot of research shows that a gratitude list really helps to improve perceptions the following morning. Only thing I'd change is not comparing the good thing wit the bad - I'd not mention the bad stuff at all just focus on the positives from the day. If I was to open up the discussion to bad things I'd never get out of DS bedroom!!

My 11yo ds is exactly the same! He does have asd (very "high functioning) which comes with a lot of anxiety. I'm quite glass-half-empty too though, and we joke about it. Agree with the idea of acknowledging his feelings rather than trying to jolly him out of it, and LOVE the idea of Catasrophe Hour!

My DS is definitely very anxious and has got worse recently with increased social demands and understanding as he's getting older. He doesn't like being 9 because it's harder than 8...more is expected ofhim. He's also very black and white and has a picture in his head of how things should be. Obviously often the world isn't how he wants it, so it makes him anxious and confirms his negative outlook.

My 10 year old DS is exactly like this. We've just come back from a lovely day at a theme park- lovely until the last 10 minutes when an older kid repeatedly bumped him on the dodgems. A fantastic day suddenly became awful and this event was evidence that everyone hates him, life isn't worth living etc etc.

In my son's case it is all down to anxiety. He's a real perfectionist and just has no resilience when things don't go his way. We are seeing a child psychologist, clearly still a work in progress , but we are getting some good tips ourselves about things that can help. Keeping a memory book of good things which have happened, with pictures and descriptive praise can be useful to show them that their lives are not as bad as they think. Also making sure they understand well in advance what their week will look like, and particularly when they will get some time to choose their own activities, reduces anxiety and helps them feel more in control.

We've also been recommended an audio book, with exercises for the kids to do. It's called "Sitting still like a frog". Not tried it yet but it claims it helps make kids calmer and less worried through mindfulness and meditation.

My ds is like this too. He's almost 16 and has AS and anxiety.

This past year has been life changing for him. He was always a big lad and decided to do Slimming world and has lost 5st 9lbs in just under a year. He looks amazing!
No, he looks terrible, is ugly, fat etc etc and it drives me round the twist!

His GCSE's are in a few months. We recently had parents evening so have a good idea of his expected results which are brilliant. No they're not, they're rubbish. Never going to happen. And repeat.

It's bloody emotionally draining.

I've found that focusing on the positives has helped. For example, I showed him a pair of trousers that he had last year compared to this year, he couldn't argue with that.

I do think a lot of it is anxiety and hormones play a massive part. He started puberty at 10 and i noticed it started around that age.

I think we just have to ride it out :)