Playgroups and other bonkers things you find yourself doing with a baby

[Millenialblamegame]

Today I brought my precious child to baby sensory class, where, on the instructions of the leader, I placed her arse first into a huge tray of spaghetti.

This is supposed to help develop their fine motor skills, and presumably has all sorts of other benefits, but still, there we were, staring at our babies sitting in this vat of cooked spaghetti, like a squad of slightly hairy meatballs.

Next week, apparently, it is cream. We've already had glittery oats, and raspberry scented flour and oil. Babies were bemused, but seemed to like these things.

We went to another group where we all sang songs about ridiculously stubborn spiders, as we waved the baby's arms around in the appropriate actions. Grown women, singing about spiders. Baby massage, where we are all instructed to solemnly anoint tiny flailing limbs with an assortment of oils.

This is all completely mad, isn't it? I absolutely love it. Maternity leave is like a study in surrealism

I've found my people. My NCT group do every class going. I cant afford to do that but I'm also agog at the idea of taking an 8 week old baby to swimming lessons. One of them started sensory at 3 weeks

I did loads of classes with DS, and probably got far too into it for my own good. He hated messy sensory play, just sat there and whinged at me till I took him out. The "official" baby sensory classes aren't that messy though, apart from a couple of water-based weeks, just lots of wafting scarves and jingling bells.

Then I started Sing and Sign and got disproportionately annoyed that the signs used at Baby Sensory are NOT. THE. SAME.

SockQueen, that is annoying me right now. Also, some of the signs Mr Tumble uses are different from the ones we’re learning at Sing and Sign. Very demotivating.

@Cattenberg, my S&S teacher hated Mr Tumble! Couldn't quite work out why but something to do with him ignoring Makaton convention and doing his own thing.

I didn’t know that, SockQueen. I watched Something Special occasionally just for the signing. As much as I admire Mr Tumble’s dedication to SEN kids, I won’t be too sad if I never see it again.

Top tip. Never squirt paint in the empty bath for "rainy day free creative play" for two under fives.

Paint is INSANELY slippery and I can still remember the hysterical screams as they tried and failed to stand up only to collide against the tub, taps or each other like bowling pins, I tried to get them out they were too slippery so back they slid covering me, the towels and a concerned dachsund in poster paint. It was like a bad Sachi Gallery installation called REMORSE or something.

Sorry at @Connieston but I nearly cried laughing at that!

I hope no there were no injuries!!

My DS hated anything messy! Paying £8 or whatever it was a time to have him screaming at being 'encouraged' to play with jelly while surrounded with a group of pretentious yummy mummies... Erm no that one didn't last long!

But singing and music now that's another matter. Of course I did find myself getting heartily caught up in a song only to realise my child had crawled off and was trying to steal another baby's marraca... But I was more with my sort of people no one judged if I didn't yet know the words to 3 little men in a flying saucer

I had to abandon messy play sessions mid term. I just couldn't hack it! Mine was constantly crawling through paint and trying to eat salt dough.

Two low points: crawling through paint and diving into glittery oats (tarred and fucking feathered) and clapping with mashed potato.

Ah, Waterbabies. AKA paying half a million quid to get your underwater photo (photo £500 extra). An extra £500 if you want a photo bigger than your thumb and another £500 if you want it framed.

@connieston that made me proper laugh out loud

Never did baby sensory my DS would have thought it was mealtime! Friend goes it and is always going on about how the babies that do it are much brighter and those that haven’t are basically going to have a shit life (yes she’s said this to me knowing I don’t go )

Do love a bit of tumble tots (or equivalent) DS runs around blatantly ignoring instructors attempts to get one year olds to do all sorts of mad thing. Waterbabies was a pile of expensive rubbish too...I can attempt to drown my baby perfectly well without paying a fortune for it thanks. He still doesn’t like putting his head under the water unsurprisingly when he spend 2 months having his mum dunk him

Oh the baby message where you have to ask your 6 week old baby’s permission.

I was just remembering this before reading this comment. The instructor looking me in the eye to make sure the message got across how ‘important’ it is to ask baby’s permission. My DH briefly looked at the accompanying paperwork I brought home to remind me of the routine, and muttered “what a load of rubbish”!

Baby ukelele! With a three-month old! It turned out to be ‘put the babies in the middle of the circle with some toys, and parents painfully learn to play nursery rhymes, often while feeding/comforting/changing baby.” I can play other instruments but can’t remember a thing now about the ukulele. My son (now 5) occasionally gets it out of the cupboard and asks me how to do it.

No sensory classes around here (sound horrific) but I did take ds to "sing and shake" but instead of playing with the instruments he just wanted to inspect and pull out the contents of the stationary cupboard

Baby ukelele. Baby ukelele oh my god we have a winner

Oh my god, a "Sachi Gallery installation called REMORSE". I am weeping .