How honest are you with your teens regarding your sex life when you were younger?

[BigSandyBalls2015]

DD has just asked me out the blue how many sexual partners I had had by the time I was 17 (her age). I was a bit taken aback as she’s usually very averse to any straight talking ..... I have to get her in the car to chat about anything important .... so I just mumbled something about being a late starter .

Wondering now if I should have had a proper convo as maybe she’s worried about something but I’m not sure sharing details of my private life is the way forward!

I would be honest with dd (who is 2 currently so it’s a way off!) But is want to encourage an open and honest relationship with her. Shutting down questions like that I would worry she wouldn’t come to me with problems in her own life etc. At the end of the day it’s just sex! I’m not sure why it’s such a taboo subject. As long as it’s consenual and enjoyable obviously.

I would probably be honest but then again I didn't sleep with anyone till I was 18 and it was a boyfriend who I loved and was really nice. Which is probably what I would encourage for my kids.

If I was asked about uni or how many total I'd probably half it

My mum was really honest with me but she was a catholic and only ever was with my dad! She just always wanted me to safe and happy.

DelurgingAJ, I think your mother’s advice was sound and wort heeding for ever.

Personally, I would not answer a question about numbers. I expect privacy on that one and would say so. I would also say that l would equally respect her privacy and not ask her the sane question.

I was 14/15 (can’t remember which side of my birthday it was) when I first started having sex. I’m in my 40s now. It certainly didn’t do me any harm and l had a lot of fun along the way. I was both careful and discreet. I would be happy to disclose this of asked but not further detail.

I remember mum was cross when she found out I was sexually active, not because I was gaving sex, but because I hadn’t told her. My okder sister knew everything though.

My dd 13 knows I've only had 2 as he's dad was my first boyfriend/kiss and her Step dad is my second. I am now a single mum who hasn't had a kid free day since we split 2 years ago. The idea of being with Any one again repulses me so it will probably be that number forever.

I don’t understand why people discuss their numbers with anyone at all. I haven’t even ever confirmed this with DH, though we have both discussed ex partners so we have an idea.

My numbers are very low but I wouldn’t answer . I have had many chats about sex being best in mutual loving relationships and the emotional impact and the risks.

My sexual history is no one’s business! Esp my kids. I think there are boundaries.

My sexual history is no one’s business! This
My children wouldn't dream of asking as neither would I ask them. I can remember being in a conversation with DD when she was late teens and shared with her that her DF ( EXDH) had been my first. She seemed quite touched

Ds1 has no interest at all and thinks it's all yucky.

That's because Dh has always presented himself as some sort of love-god Casanova who was out dancing with girls and had loads of girlfriends from a young age.

Which is in fact unfortunately true!! so ds's and I just ignore and raise our eyebrows.

But when asked, about drinking, drugs, boyfriends etc, I always say the truth, plainly and non fluffily!!

They've never asked, I've never told.
It's my business, even my husband has never asked. We have always been open with them on all other sexual matters though.

Many many posters are posting :

"I am firmly of the view that anyone's sex life is private and not up for discussion."

I am very surprised by this.

Is this a generational thing? I thought people these days were much more open and non twee about all these things.

I don't know the exact number for Dh, but I know some vague things about his relationship history and his sexual history.

As he knows main things/vague things about mine.

And as a bonding thing for women. Sharing experiences. With very close friends. My friends know most things about me. Or else how could they know me. Closely.

I have 5 friends: one best friend from uni, a very close friend from school, and 3 friends who live stones throw, who I drink wine with frequently and go on European weekends away.

They also know the vague details, and once I joked about something sexually funny happening years ago, and then I'd fallen asleep in the bath.

Don't you all share stuff like this?

I didn't realise how prim so many people were, about talking about sex, generally and with their children.

I'm not talking about going into great detail but why cant these things not be talked about in a general vague way?

Hmmm I'm quite torn here...

On the one hand I would like for my kids to be able to tell me anything they want.

On the other I kind of agree that we aged parent types should be allowed to have some privacy!

My eldest asked me one day when he was about 3yrs old "mummy have you ever smoked a cigarette?" I replied "no of course not they're really bad for you!" then he tells me that his dad had told him that he'd tried smoking before. I immediately felt really bad for lying, but it was my instinctive reaction to not set him a bad example.

My parents never told me about doing anything outrageous as kids and as such I grew up thinking they were perfect and that I was just different to them (smoking, recreational drugs, travelling the world etc)

My best friend's mum who I was very close to told us about ALL the mischief she had got up to and even smoked the odd joint with us as teenagers. As a result my friend is extremely honest with her mum. I think she even called her up after loosing her virginity 😬 - which happened to her ALOT later than it did to me - coincidence? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Agree with Oblomov, some of these Victorian attitudes on the thread are hilarious. I wonder if these are some of the same posters often decrying the status quo of the modern porn industry warping expectations of teens and young adults? The best and possibly only way to combat the spread of sexual disinformation and to promote safe and healthy sexual attitudes in our children is an open-door, honest policy. Do you think that disclosing premarital sex or multiple partners/ONSs will cause them to follow suit? Even if it did, was it not a part of your own learning curve and should they not be treated with the same respect to make those choices for themselves?

Some very odd schema here.

They’re going to make mistakes so I’ll tell them mine too. I might cut some details...

This is about the 3rd time this week I have been seen to be a Victorian pearl clutcher on different threads. I might start a thread where we can all congregate.

As I said earlier in the thread, we've always been open with the kids about anything and everything. We dress nothing up nor play anything down. That said however my sexual partner history is my business. As their sexual partner history is theirs.
They know me and their father have sex, Christ they've probably heard us enough. Caught us a few times too ( it took my son some time to be able to eat at the breakfast bar one time 😂) but that has nothing to do with my previous sexual partners.
Nudity and sex has always been a part of my household, but my previous sexual partners haven't.

I think I'll be honest. My daughter's 10, some of her friends have hit puberty but if she's anything like me she'll have to wait until she's 14. I made a lot of bad choices in my teens and I would rather her know about those mistakes than make them herself.

That said, I think she's far more grounded than I ever was. I was always looking for acceptance and she has never felt the need to conform. I hope I have brought her up with enough love to love herself first rather than believing that sex is love, or even acceptance.

Privacy isn't primness.

My daughters only 8 but I’ll tell her the truth in an age appropriate way if she asks. Honesty works both ways and I can’t expect her to be honest with me if I won’t be honest with her.
DD already asks questions like have you ever done anything you’re really embarrassed about and I’ll tell her things that have happened in an age appropriate way so she knows it’s ok to make mistakes and we all do embarrassing things or things we regret but it’s ok it’s not the end of the world.

Ironically although I’m happy to answer DDs questions about sex I absolutely do not discuss my sex life with anyone else and I would be most put out if anyone else tried to discuss it with me.
I just remember as a teen that working out what was normal with regards to sex was so confusing that I want to demystify it for DD if I can.

Yes some attitudes might seem prim, but I know a couple and I'm sure there's many more out there, that talk to the parents in great detail about their sex lives! There's a line as far as I'm concerned. Course we all know great aunty Hilda had sex (got the children to prove it). What else does anyone need to know.? One thing leads to another and next it it'll be, what position did you do it in? Etc etc

When you’re a teenager, your identity, your sense of who you’d like to be and what’s possible, is a work in progress. I think it's up to parents to help children see all the choices, to think as widely as they can. I think part of that is being honest about sex and relationships. No, you don't have to tell them a number, or give details - but refusing to say anything at all just makes it seem that you think of sex as a bit dirty rather than something we all do.

Attitudes toward sex and sexuality have changed, and will continue to change. Virtually nobody here will have been a virgin when they married (except maybe some older or religious posters) even though this might have been the norm in our grandparents' generation. The likelihood is that, like it or not, your children in their lives will be having more casual sex with more partners, because the social acceptance of this is increasing. The way I see it, giving the idea that sex shouldn't be talked about, or telling teenage / young adult DC that you only had sex with their father; that you only had sex with people you were in love with; that you never had a ONS; that you never had a bad experience (unless these things are all true) is more likely to lead to a sense of shame or the feeling that you would disapprove of them doing differently - and so they'll simply hide it from you and lie to you in return.

From an entirely personal perspective, being open about it can also help you get closer. Last Christmas when we were all a bit tipsy, I asked my mum (her 61; me 30) how she and my dad met. Turns out it was in a fairly divey nightclub - and my mum was dating (and having sex with) two other men at the time and waited a few weeks before picking her favourite (why on earth that was my dad, god knows ). I've had a similar lifestyle for a number of years (I date non-monogamously, have had open-relationships,) and I've always assumed my mum would be a bit cat's-bum-mouth about the idea and been very closed with her when talking about my life; and knowing that she really wouldn't has encouraged me to open up a lot more to her emotionally - not just about sex, but about relationships, my friends, my feelings, and worries about life generally.

EngagedAgain
It is a bit of a balancing act isn’t it. I want to be open with DD but only as is comfortable for her. I certainly don’t want to be an oversharer like my DSM who was telling me about sodomy and blow jobs before I was out of primary school.

I didn't realise how prim so many people were, about talking about sex, generally and with their children

Anyone who knows me wouldn't describe me as prim. But I have never been in a group of women where anyone even tried to discuss their sex life. It is just a topic that never came up. Not at school, not at university, not in the workplace. I have no idea if my friends were younger or older than me when they first had sex, or how many people they've had sex with or anything like that. And I don't want to know

I've always been open with my children about sex, in the sense of telling them at a very early age where babies come from, and then at a later age allowing them to understand that people do it because they enjoy it. But I stop short of discussing individuals actual sex lives.

My mum was pretty open, although I could tell that the info (not just on sex but partying etc.) was filtered throughout my teenage years until she felt I was ready.

She was also very blunt and forthcoming with advice, however much I didn't want to hear it as a teenage boy. She bought me condoms, told me that if I ever mistreated a girl she'd personally advise her to leave me, right down to telling me that if I only focused on my own enjoyment in sex I'd either not see the girl again or not have a decent relationship.

In my late teens, some of my dad's old band mates from the 70s visited for a party. They may have shared additional details I could have done without. Apparently my parents were known as 'the rockers' - just because their caravan would rock so much, and for so long, in the evenings when they were all camping somewhere for a gig.

AlexaAmbidextra weird and petulant interpretaion you have made.