I don't like my mother and don't know how to move forward.

[Barbarafromblackpool]

I don't really like my mother and don't enjoy spending time with her.

What do you do when you dread your mother coming to stay?

I could write a short novel on this if I tried, but basically I haven't seen her since early November and I in no way miss her and would prefer it if I didn't have to spend the weekend with her. Anyone got any coping mechanisms? I guess I should have therapy but I can't actually be arsed to talk about at length. It didn't feel like we got on when I was a child, teenager etc. She was harsh and critical and whilst she's mellowed now, I still find her difficult to talk to. (Our politics are v different and she's quietly racist even though she knows I don't agree). Simply put, shes just not someone I'd be friends with.
I don't love my mother ( or my father, different thread. They're not together now), as simple as that. I maintain some degree of contact for an easy life, but I do feel that a lot of people don't understand though (but then why would they, if they have great relationships with their parents?)
I sometimes tell people this, but they often look very shocked, it feels taboo to admit it.
I would never seek comfort in her, nor ask advice, and whilst I feel sad about that I wish I didn't feel the guilt. It almost feels like it would be easier if she were spectacularly awful, rather than on a low level.

There's no answer I suppose. Just wondered if others felt the same.

Also, I appreciate lots of people love their parents and get on really well with them. I also appreciate that lots of people miss their mothers. That's not the case here.

I feel a similar way about my father. We are courteous, but that's about it . Therapy was helpful for me.

Do you see him snowdrop?

I don’t really have advice but just wanted to say you’re not alone.
I don’t like my mother either. I don’t get her personality and I don’t like a lot of the way she parented me as a child/teenager (single parent). She’s also quietly racist and thinks it’s ok because my father is Asian so therefore she couldn’t be racist.
You could literally be me writing about my mother.

Same here op. Makes me very sad feeling that way about my own mother. But she had no interest in my life for about twelve years and it has hurt me a lot. Her husband recently died and now she's trying to be all involved again. She seems to think she could just pick up where she left off. But we are very different people and I can't pretend I enjoy her company when i don't. Such a shame.

I stopped contact with my mother (she’s dead now) and didn’t regret it. In the years I saw her I would be a physical and mental mess before she came to stay and ended up with all kinds of stress related conditions.

You need to reduce or stop contact OP. It will make you ill. Why is she coming to stay?

No helpful advice from me I'm afraid, but just wanted to say that you're not alone - I know exactly how you feel, and could've written your Op word for word. I'm very low-contact with my mother, she lives 300 miles away from me - but, that means when she comes to visit, it's for several days. She was here for five days at New Year, and I genuinely still feel traumatised.
It's awful, isn't it?

I don't see my mother. Similar to you.

I don't think I need therapy. Why do you think you need it?

Maybe I needed it when I was younger and in the FOG. Now, not so much. I went through the hard realisation that she gives no fucks about anyone except herself, will fuck me over in a heartbeat, will seek to hurt me with snide jibes and lies for reasons I have never really established (not that I care any more).

What I'm getting at is that sometimes I see women wanting therapy to help them live with things they should not live with. Anti-depressants to help them live with an abuser. That kind of thing. If you are right about your mum then don't go seeking therapy to help you go back to the bad place.

Some women are unpleasant. Some women become mothers. Some mothers are unpleasant people. Motherhood isn't a magic wand that makes one luverly.

I didn’t get on with mine at all. My in laws have the same issue. Both parents are just horrid and cause everyone misery. It’s actually quite common.

She's coming to stay because I have children . And it's what people do I suppose.

I know what you mean about feeling traumatised; I'm not over the last visit and I do actually feel a physical reaction during the build up to her coming.

Therapy? I don't think I need it, but people have suggested it. I do agree about it taking you back to a bad place actually. I wondered if it would give me some coping strategies.

Agree with all the above. And there is no point trying to speak to the “Oh but she’s your mooother” people about it. They will never understand and will guilt you. They think it’s a generation gap or the (adult) child being a brat like a stroppy teenager. Many of these women put on a different face for others, people don’t understand.

So say nothing. If people ask just be dismissive and move the subject away from yourself (“Did you see your mother on mother’s day?” “No she lives ages away. Did you see yours?”) If you need to talk, come here and talk to us.

I have been NC with my mum for many years.

No regrets whatsoever, best decision ever quite honestly.

I don’t miss her or wish her harm.

No one ever makes a decision like that without very good reason. Do what’s right for you OP.

Why should you have therapy, she needs the therapy!

If you need some help coping there are some good books and websites. Search for Toxic Parents.

www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407?tag=mumsnetforum-21

Why put yourself into a situation where you need coping strategies? I mean, I do see my mother sometimes but I keep it as short as possible. My coping strategy for visits involves eating cake, which is a bad strategy.

TowelNumber42 Mine was scrubbing the house until it was spotless, spending huge amounts on food, hiding all alcohol, trying to timetable events to the half hour and hiding away from all friends until she had gone.

She still found ways to criticise and belittle.

She got other family members to join in and so I cut them off also. It really is one of the best decisions,probably the best, I ever made. Sounds dramatic but it saved my health.

Does she know how you feel? If not, how do you think she would feel if she found out? Not rtft and will later as have to go out, so not sure if you got siblings or if you want to cut her out completely or just enough to be able to cope. I think how she feels could be relevant to how you handle this. In itself there is nothing wrong with not wanting to spend time with someone whoever they are. Even parents/children might not get on. Like a personality clash. No one's fault, just the way it is.

Who gives a fuck how she feels? Plus if the op told her she’d have ammunition.

If I told her I think she'd be devastated, although I don't know for sure. It's very difficult to gauge how she feels and what depth of emotion she has. I've got to the point where I'm so used to not sharing things with her, that it's second nature. I didn't ask her on my hen do and I remember being really surprised when my father said she felt hurt. I honestly didn't think she'd be interested and she'd never mentioned it. So when I consider that, I wonder if I'm too harsh, but then I swing back round to remembering things she said to me when I was young and how hurtful she was. She would also deny her behaviour I think. I once brought up how she still hit me when I was a teenager (for answering back), and how I saw her chase my brother up the stairs with a slipper, grab him and repeatedly hit him, but she flat out denied it.
I have a brother and a sister. My brother lives with her (he's very bad with money). My sister feels like I do. She's agreed to take her out for a bit this weekend to give me a break, but she said she was dreading it yesterday.

Lack of paragraphs there.

I appreciate everyone responding. It does help to know others feel the same.

OP, LOADS of people feel the same, they just don’t admit it because they get judged by those that have never experienced parental abuse.

I guess overall none of you are that old yet, so in theory there are a lot of years ahead of you all to be dealing with this. I wonder if deep down you would have liked an apology/acknowledgement from her when you said something before. Would you have been happy with that? Instead she seems to brush it off.

I’m old EngagedAgain. What’s that got to do with it? I was slippered as a child and abused as an adult. I didn’t want an apology I just wanted her to go away.

She probably hasn't got a huge depth of emotion and is thick skinned. Some people are like that, they never seem to realise what they've done. You are probably best off keeping contact to the absolute minimum, and while you're not with her mentally detach yourself from her. It's unlikely she will change, but would you feel differently if she did? Whatever you do, don't let it mess with your head. At least your sister feels the same and you can support each other.

Planet, yes I realise it never goes away, what I meant was OP is probably fairly young, so her mother may be say in her 50's/60's and could live a long time to come. Just throwing ideas around, as to whether OP should keep contact but minimal or to cut her out completely, bearing in mind she could have another 30 years of it.

Going by my last duty visit I'd say borrow a puppy, but I guess that might not be a practical suggestion. It was a lovely diversion that kept me occupied and focused and the small talk away from contentious topics. I'll invite it back for mothers day.

emotion and is thick skinned. Some people are like that, they never seem to realise what they've done. You are probably best off keeping contact to the absolute minimum, and while you're not with her mentally detach yourself from her. It's unlikely she will change, but would you feel differently if she did? Whatever you do, don't let it mess with your head. At least your sister feels the same and you can support each other.

Yes. You're absolutely right, she'll never be different. You're also correct that Im in my 30s and she's early 60s, so we could have a while to go.