Another baby??

[sendingmyselfcrazy]

Name change for this.

Im currently sending myself crazy being unable to decide whether to try for another baby. it's on my mind all day every day.

I've got a 2.5 year old DD. I had a traumatic birth and don't think I could do it again. But then I don't think I could have a C-section either.

Also I don't really enjoy being a mum. I love my DD but found mat leave very dull and only recovered from PND once I got back to work.

But then I don't want my DD to be an only child.

If we have two kids money will be tight. Would it be better to be able to have money to treat my DD instead?

Anyone else in the same boat? Time is not on my side so I need to decide soon.... DP really wants another which isn't helping matters, the guilt I feel if I say no..would I regret not having another? Would DP resent me if I say no more?

Why don't you want an only child?

Nothing wrong with being an only child. What are you so worried about?

It doesn't seem like having a second will bring mote happiness but I understand the pressure for a second
I dont think you want one though OP

It looks like from your post the only reason you'd be having a second would be so your DD is not an only child. There's nothing wrong with being an only child if you make sure that your DD socialises in other ways.

There are plenty of benefits in just having the one, more money, childcare fees over more quickly, more attention just on your DD.

I was adamant I only wanted one, but by the time my DD was about 18 months I yearned for a second. If you don't have that emotional feeling about having another, don't do it! Your DH, if he's a good DH, may be disappointed but should understand. Have you told him about how you feel about it? As another poster said, women usually sacrifice a lot more in childbearing and rearing than men.

Hi

Thanks for the replies. The pros and cons list is pretty much my list!

I'm 39 so time not on my side. I just fee so much pressure to make a decision but I can't decide...and it's all on me! DP knows what I'm thinking, he says it's obviously up to me as it's me that has to go through it all but I know he wants another...

I'm torturing myself thinking of it all day every day.

I don't know why I think my DD should have a sibling. I have one. My DP has one - it's our "normal" I suppose.

Hi OP! We decided to stick to one, for age/health/trauma after birth reasons. He's now almost 4 and had lots of lovely friends. I grew up as an only and he seriously won't know what it's like to have a sibling, because he just won't know any different.

I was quite adamant early on that one was it, even though the plan was always 2. My husband needed more time to come to this decision, as there's no compromise.

Hi OP. We are having only 1 for more or less the same reasons as you so you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with an only child. I think the pressure from other people is one of the hardest things it seems to be all everyone asks us "when are you having another". My partner has always been 100% he does not want anymore he only ever wanted 1, I always thought 2 before I had my ds and now I am also 100% sure we only want 1 it just works for our family. We have more money and time to spend with our ds. Good luck.

I have an almost four year old.

Difficult pregnancy, traumatic birth and I've just found the whole journey so incredibly difficult. He is also going through a very challenging phase at the moment.

I have debated whether to have another, but to be honest, it would be more for his benefit (assuming he enjoyed having a sibling). I hate noise, I crave time on my own, I cannot deal with sleep deprivation or PND again.

So, for all of the above reasons I think I would be mad to have another one. It is hard to ignore my hormones, but I have to make a rational decision here and I honestly believe that having another one would likely tip me over the edge.

I may come to regret this in the future, but I'd rather be thankful for what I have, rather than for what could have been.

Also I don't really enjoy being a mum.

This is the only point that matters IMO. If you don’t enjoy it with one child you sure as hell won’t enjoy it with two. Two children, especially close in age can be hell for several years. As you’ve already suffered PND you’re very likely to plummet straight back into it with the stress of caring for two children with differing needs.

You don’t enjoy being a mum. That’s it. That’s your question answered.

I wouldn’t in your shoes OP.

I was like you, op, in so far as I was happier and more healthy when I returned to work, part time. I'd had a very easy pregnancy and birth but horrible PND which seemed to take ages to shift. Thankfully I adored my child and was a good mother (I know that's me saying it but I don't big myself up).

However when I did eventually recover from PND I decided to have no more children. The one I have is a confident, clever and kind adult with many friends. There's nothing wrong with being an only child if the parents allow him or her to have friends round all the time and do interesting, fun things with them. Though originally I intended to have another child I am really glad now that I didn't.

I had a hard first birth and baby difficult then I felt so broody!!
So glad we haves another
They are now 10 and 13.5 years

Do you enjoy any aspects of being a mum?

I don’t personally understand why people have an issue with their child being an only child tbh. If you really don’t want to experience labour or a baby again then don’t do it! Don’t have a child for the sake of giving your DD a sibling, she will honestly be absolutely fine as an only child.

I was in a very similar situation.

Whilst I love being my child’s mum I don’t enjoy a lot of aspects of being a parent, it’s mundane and tiring.

Life with one felt good. Flexible, time to myself, plenty of money - but thought I should have a second because, well, that’s what you do’. And I too was 39!

I had a month where I missed my period and thought I was pregnant. It sent us into a tailspin. I felt nothing but anxiety and we both realised that we didn’t really want another child at all. And then I just felt relief at the decision!

I see parents of two or more struggling all the time. It's intense and you have to love bringing up children above all else. Which I really don’t.

And to add one child families are becoming much more common - out of my NCT group 5 of 8 couples stuck with one

Hi OP

If you want to stick at one and that is best for you then there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! For either you or your child. It’s a difficult decision because I think there is still a lot of subconscious pressure to have another child - although no idea why.

I did just want to offer an alternative perspective on 2 being harder than 1. I was very much like you - severe PND, difficult birth, didn’t really enjoy being a mum at all. I had decided to stop at 1 but then got pregnant via contraceptive fail and decided to go for it.

I have actually found being a mum of two surprisngly much easier and enjoyable. Partly because DC2 is an easier child, but also I feel more like I know what I’m doing and it has allowed me to be just good enough. Reduced the intensity somehow. I did get PND again but had put help in place and luckily it wasn’t as severe. But that’s me and we are all different.

I think if you’re strongest reasons to have two are to provide a sibling and make DP happy, you shouldn’t go ahead.

As others have said, nothing wrong with being an only child. For every person who loves their sibling there’s another who hasn’t spoken to them in years.

I have two, and had my first at 29. I didn't start to feel broody or want to go through it again, till DD was 3 1/2. I appreciate you are older, but I needed DD in school before the second arrived. Only way I could cope.

I think you just need to go with your gut.

I never saw the point in siblings for siblings sake. I fought with my brother throughout my childhood, then didn’t speak to him for years. As young adults we got along civilly purely for our parents’ sake.

Then our mother got cancer, and I was SO glad I wasn’t dealing with that on my own. Nobody understands your family dynamic the same as a sibling, even one you have nothing in common with. We found we actually needed each other, despite our history.

Now that our df is aging, it helps to share the burden of worry about him too. And if we need to persuade him to do something he’s resistant to, like see a doctor or something, there is strength in numbers. Brother is someone to let off steam to; “You won’t believe what the old bugger has done now!” and we can laugh about something that would otherwise just be plain hard work.

The value of an adult sibling made me determined to have more than one child, if I was going to have any at all. I’m not a natural mother either, so I completely understand your reticence. I would also say, in agreement with a poster above, that sometimes having two dc is easier than one - mine amuse each other for hours (though from my own childhood I know this is not a given!). And whilst it IS hard work juggling two while they are small, they aren’t small for long. Once they are at school it all becomes so much easier - and personally I enjoy Primary aged children a lot more than babies and toddlers.

It’s a tough one. Don’t make a decision in haste though - although the clock is ticking, if you are unsure just park it for six months, and see how you feel then.