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Original poster

18 year old daughter and older man

31 replies

Twtd123 · 27/01/2019 16:55

Hi

I’m new to all this so please bear with me.

My daughter who turned 18 last August; has been messaging a 36 year old successful music producer based in London since last May.
Fortunately we are very open and she’s told me everything, she was introduced to him and has been to his gigs and clearly has always liked him. The messaging at first was friendly, but soon became sexual instigated by him and naturally she went with it. My daughter has met him twice and although did stuff, haven’t had full sex and she’s still a virgin.
He’s apparently finishing with his current gf to date my daughter; but his attitude has changed towards her recently. His messages were intense, “let’s go on holiday”, “would you move in with me in years to come” etc to now saying how busy he is and barely messages for days.
Now he’s saying, that SHE’S too intense and need to go slower, when she’s simply being guided by his attitude towards her.
My husband has gone mad and says the age gap is ridiculous and I agree, however she’s 18 and feel it’s out of our control.
She’s under no illusions as to how we feel and that it’s predatory behavior and he’s simply using her, but she likes him and is not interested in our opinions.
I have found his number and I’m so tempted to message and tell him to leave her alone, as he’s affecting her daily life as she has a lack of drive when it comes to looking for jobs and generally getting stuff done. She doesn’t have many friends and so has a poor social life and i feel her isolation makes her drawn to him even more and she is also quite vulnerable mentally.
Any advice would be appreciated

OP posts:
cfmagnet · 27/01/2019 17:19

First and foremost, I would definitely fight that urge to contact him! It is likely to have a negative impact on your relationship.with your daughter, perhaps irrevocably.
I completely understand your concerns and would feel the same way but at 18, she is going to do what she is going to do, regardless. You can, and should, try to guide her through this but ultimately, it's a learning experience for her and will hopefully teach her a few things about men and relationships. Cold comfort, I know :-/ You have obviously done well in raising her to be open with you so that something- at least she is sharing this with you so you have the opportunity to offer advice and support.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/01/2019 17:21

Given her age, I think the best you can do is continue to talk to her about this man and give her the best advise possible.

I strongly believe you calling him would be a MASSIVE mistake. Your daughter WILL find out and I fear her trust in you would be shattered. She would be humiliated and feel betrayed. The close relationship you now share would be damaged forever.

Original poster
Twtd123 · 27/01/2019 17:33

Cfmagnet and Aquamarine1029 thank you both for the advice and yes as much as I might want to, know that messaging him would be disastrous. My parents were strict and suffocating and so have tried to bring my two children up to be as open and honest as possible.
I guess the only way forward is to let her get on with things and be there to pick up the pieces when it all goes pair shaped, which inevitably it will.

OP posts:
PeridotCricket · 27/01/2019 17:37

Go meet him with her. Arrange dinner. He’s probably a twat and she’ll see that if you meet him and have more in common with him than she does. Tha5 was my mum’s response to the highly inappropriate guy I went out with....thinking back her asking him questions about his ‘ex’ wife and kids was expertly done.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/01/2019 18:14

No need to mention the age gap in any conversation with her OP, the dismissive and not-interested vibe ought to be enough of a conversation starter. What about saying, "I thought he was ending things with his girlfriend in order to date you?"... that should make her think a bit. If she has any self-esteem she'll block and delete him - if not, she'll ask him that question herself and he'll dump her for harassing him.

Keep telling your daughter that you will always stand by her but that you don't think this man is treating her very nicely and she deserves for him to treat her better.

I think this is a short-term problem. Agree with the other posters, don't contact him, not you or her dad.

Original poster
Twtd123 · 27/01/2019 18:16

I think the meeting thing is way off, but love the way your Mum asked all the right questions with your inappropriate boyfriend. Let’s hope I get the opportunity!

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/01/2019 18:17

I wouldn't meet him with her or at all. He's never going to agree to that. Let your daughter deal with this but give her the 'tools', ie. the questioning mind and the esteem she needs to use those.

If you do anything else, you risk damaging the clearly closely relationship that you have with our daughter.

A bruised heart now is a small price to pay and may teach her some valuable lessons about men and relationships in general.

Original poster
Twtd123 · 27/01/2019 18:39

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe you’re right and to be honest have no real desire to meet him and as you say, now is the time for guidance. My daughter has at least told him that she won’t see him again until his current relationship is truly over.

OP posts:
Racecardriver · 27/01/2019 18:43

Well then he robsbly isn’t actually going to break up with his girlfriend is he? I would just not get involved and encourage her to go to uni or something.

Alanamackaree · 27/01/2019 18:43

I think it can be a real eye opener to see your bf in the context of your family and friends. I’d be strongly encouraging her to invite him home, and to meet the wider family and her friends because it will take from his mystique. You won’t be the only one a bit put off by the age gap and it will help her frame him in a more realistic context.
It also allows you to be outwardly supportive and accepting of her choices.

Ultimately you need to play this situation so that your support is still available to her if/when it goes pear shaped. Prioritise your relationship with her.

SuziQ10 · 27/01/2019 18:43

She's 18 and he's 36.. that's creepy.
Very tough situation.

When I was 17 I had a boyfriend who was 22. The age gap was a big issue for my parents (who were totally relaxed with me having a bf my own age). Once he'd met my parents he broke it off. He felt so uncomfortable with them mentioning school and age etc he said he couldn't do it.

I think you should spell it out for your daughter that this man is a lot older than her and that the age gap is inappropriate. And that speaking to a man in a 'romantic' way when he has a partner is also inappropriate, let alone doing anything sexual.
I'd have half a mind to tell the girlfriend exactly what's been going on!

missminimum · 27/01/2019 18:44

I agree with what others have said, you can't prevent her relationship with this man. It will only make her more determined and not want to end it when she wants, as she will be admitting you were right. You can only try to boost her self esteem, talk to her about how special she is and that anyone who she is in a relationship with, should also see how special she is and treat her with respect. Can she be encouraged to join activities locally where she will meet friends nearer her own age? Maybe as this man is so much older, his confidence and control of their relationship, makes it easier for her. It is difficult at her age to take the initiative to meet and develop relationships. Conversations about what a healthy relationship is and how that sometimes the "balance of power" is not right may help her have more insight. Just keep talking and let her know you are there for her

justasking111 · 27/01/2019 18:47

When I was 18 was seeing a 30 year old on and off for two years. He was never like this. I understand your concern.

Tweety1981 · 27/01/2019 18:48

He’s a dirty pervert . He is abusing his power.

Tweety1981 · 27/01/2019 18:50

You have a lot of restraint . You need to show him some gorgeous young men if her own age . He’s a predator and deserves a good slap .

Tweety1981 · 27/01/2019 18:52

Show her some men if her own age sorry.

We all make mistakes when we are young though . She is obviously bright as she hasn’t slept with him . Clever girl . Now she knows he doesn’t treat her well she might go off him fingers crossed . Poor girl . I would encourage her to meet someone else xxx

justasking111 · 27/01/2019 19:03

You could investigate him, Sarahs law, to see if he has form. Do not tell your daughter though.

Original poster
Twtd123 · 27/01/2019 19:15

Thank you for all of the responses.
My daughter is a very attractive young girl who gets a lot of interest from men, but she likes this one because he has the creative vibe she longs for in a guy. She’s very artistic and loves music, including his and so they share a lot of interests.
I have tried not to lecture as my parents would have, but have told her that being with any guy who’s in a relationship is wrong and many end up getting hurt. I’ve also said that him being wealthy would mean that she would be portrayed as a young gold digger, which she isn’t, however that’s what people would say.
Ive tried telling her that he’s only after one thing, to which she responds “aren’t all men?”.
I will take a back seat and just be there when she needs me.

OP posts:
Tweety1981 · 27/01/2019 19:28

If I were you I would actively be seeking to politely ask this man to find someone his own age.

The power balance isn’t right. And it’s not your daughter and her intentions that I’m concerned about . I think this guy is probably used to having young girls to chat up, hasn’t had an issue with her age , and has probably done this sort of thing before .

It’s an abuse of his power and I am more concerned for your daughter .

It’s great she’s telling you what’s going on you must be an amazing mum x

Tweety1981 · 27/01/2019 19:30

How old was your daughter when she started messaging this guy ?

codenameduchess · 27/01/2019 20:11

Having been in a position like your daughter I think the best thing you can do is just stay calm and keep the openness rather than tell her it's wrong or discourage her as she'll likely push it further. Emotions are very much magnified at 18 but you don't really see it until much later.

I was 17 and dating a 32 year old artist, I don't know how my parents held back! It ended spectacularly badly but my parents were there and supportive for it all which I'm incredibly grateful for and am now, 10 years on, married to a lovely (age appropriate) man. i do regret that time now, but without it I wouldn't have my dh or dd now and almost certainly would have found a more destructive way to explore.

hettie · 27/01/2019 20:20

I'm interested from those who were in the kind of age gap relationships why do you think your younger selves got into them?

Original poster
Twtd123 · 27/01/2019 20:31

Tweety1981 I agree, but I have to be realistic and know she could be conducting this friendship/relationship behind my back and I would be none the wiser. She did like an age appropriate lad, but he was messaging/seeing girls without her realising and so she finished it.
She was nearly 18 when they started messaging and 18 when they first met.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twtd123 · 27/01/2019 20:35

codenameduchess - thank you so much for sharing and sorry it ended that way, although like my daughter dare I say inevitable. You’re absolutely right and although my husband wants to rant about it, there’s no point, because she needs to find out the hard way.
As said previously, we will be there to pick up the pieces.
You too were lucky to have such supportive parents and so happy all ended well for you.

OP posts:
MegaBat · 27/01/2019 20:39

Well I can only say what I would do in this situation and I'd be contacting him. I don't care if that's 'not the done thing.' In the circumstances you describe, he would be receiving some contact from me. I would not sit back here and yes, I know she's 18. They're adults in the eyes of the law but we all know, they're usually not adult at all. So yes, I'd be trying to sort this out because it's something I feel falls under the remit of 'being a parent'

I base this on the fact that I have a 20 year old DD and I'm almost certain she'd be supportive of me doing so, so I can only speak for myself and what I feel would work

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