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Original poster

My mum wants me to express so she can have my baby overnight

78 replies

Stillmonday · 27/01/2019 16:40

Firstly my baby is only 6 days old and I can't even contemplate him staying away from me for an hour let alone overnight.

I'm breastfeeding which is really important to me.

My mum today asked what she needs to buy to get him to stay overnight, I said he can't because I'm BF (also I'm not going anywhere so no need to have him stay away from me). She was quite funny with me and told me I'll have to express milk.

She's quite overbearing at times anyway but being a first time mum and still emotional from the highs it all comes with, I've found this really odd.

Is it just me? My baby is a long awaited ivf baby and I'm cherishing every second I fave with this little miracle.

OP posts:
Starlight456 · 27/01/2019 17:35

I think you are going to have to be firm . ....is my baby you get to get all the grandma cuddles I do the hard work.

Why do you think she wants to have baby over night ? Has she been around a lot ? Regardless a no and agree with pp don’t give her a time line . My Ds was 4 before he spent the night without me

Hubblebubbletripletrouble · 27/01/2019 17:36

Does she want your baby overnight now or in a few weeks, months etc?

Either way tell her to back the fuck off Angry

Alanamackaree · 27/01/2019 17:36

Be kind. A whole generation of women had their babies taken away to the nursery “so mum could rest” on their first night. Formula feeding was pushed hard as modern and scientific.
It’s such a deep instinct to do the very best we possibly can for our babies and it is very hurtful to be confronted with evidence that we may have got it wrong.
Virtually all the advice given has flipped on its head in the last 40 years and it leaves a chasm between new mums and their mums at the very time we most need their support and advice.
And for many grandmothers, there are memories churned up and emotional wounds.
The last generation had a particularly hard time of it, between scientists, doctors and, in some parts, the church. We can’t really fathom today how expert those experts were!

You don’t have to let your baby go until you’re ready. But you can be kind as well as firm.

Allow that her intentions are good. Sleep deprivation is really hard and she probably wants to give you a rest.

Interested in this thread?

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0-3 months old Babies & sleep Breast & bottle feeding Families
Commonwasher · 27/01/2019 17:37

Don’t be bullied or guilt-tripped into leaving your newborn. My youngest is 4yrs old and I’m reluctant to leave her overnight. It’s normal for mum’s to want to be with their babies. It’s also normal to want a break, so why not keep a very firm but friendly line of ‘thanks so much, baby is FAR too young atm but i’m sure i’ll have your arm off if you offer when they are bigger.’

ButtMuncher · 27/01/2019 17:38

My MIL was like this. From day 1 she was talking about getting a cot and a steriliser and having him over.

DS is 2.5 and she's never once asked to actually have him over. When we were there the other day my DH lightheartedly asked her to have him next month and she said she wouldn't have him till he was sleeping through (he has since 10 months old) and when he was in a big bed (still in a cot).

I agree with the PP who said sometimes grandparents get caught up with the new baby (particularly if it's their first) and promise all kinds of overtures that rarely come true.

SkylightAndChandelier · 27/01/2019 17:39

Absolutely mad.

I could never express much (produced plenty for a healthy baby, just not for a milking machine!), and DS1 never figured out a bottle anyway, so we had our first evening out without him at about 6 months - by the time he could wait a few hours without getting hysterical.

I don't think he had an overnight with MIL until he was gone 3 (and we'd lived with MIL for a year, so he was completely comfortable there). I don't think he's ever had an overnight with my mum without us also being there!

I don't understand the obsession - if it's convenient for you, then sure, have overnights, but overnights for the sake of it? Why?

SukiPutTheEarlGreyOn · 27/01/2019 17:39

Congratulations on your little one Stillmonday Flowers. Hopefully, you’ll take heart (and note) of the unanimous view on here that YANBU - but that your mum is. Maybe she’s being a bit over enthusiastic or maybe testing how far she can push things in terms of ‘ownership’ by making you feel guilty or unreasonable (only you will have a real sense of which it is). But the bottom line is that you are the mum now and only you have a say in what happens with your dc. Maybe, in the days and weeks ahead, she’ll calm down a bit. If not then this is the time to draw clear bounaries that you feel comfortable with and manage expectations - with dc and your well-being right at the top of the priority list. I'd certainly not be contemplating lone overnight stays for ages yet.

TheFaerieQueene · 27/01/2019 17:42

Tell her it isn’t happening. She has had her children. Your DC is your responsibility and she is overstepping so many boundaries with this. Be strong.

Playmysong · 27/01/2019 17:48

The first time I left dd1 overnight was when I was admitted to hospltal with high blood pressure when I was expecting dd2 and my husband moved in with my parents too.
A baby’s place is with their mother, they are not a toy to hand around. Tell your dm that she can babysit when you eventually want to go out, but even then your ds will not be staying overnight with anyone.
Surely she can understand how precious he is to you, especially as you say he is a long awaited IVF baby.
Is this a first gc for your dm?

mommybear1 · 27/01/2019 17:55

Agree with pp this is your baby not her's - day no now if she gets funny she has to deal with it not you - ivf is a painful and fraught journey congratulations on your pfb Thanks

AprilSpring · 27/01/2019 18:01

Tread carefully because when your
Ready sleepovers at grandmas are actually the best (it’s taken me till Dd1 was 4to realise this though)
I’d try saying thanks but I’m not ready to leave my baby and my baby isn’t ready to leave me yet, if you want to help could you....
Bring that washing in from the lin
Stick some food in the freezer
Wash the kitchen floor
Give my baby cuddles while I have a bath
Etc etc

Congratulations, keep going with the breastfeeding- you’re doing great!

ILoveDolly · 27/01/2019 18:06

You know, she probably thinks she's being helpful but she is way off base. Don't be afraid to be firm, I can't think why anyone would leave such a young baby overnight with their granny, apart from in an emergency. You don't feel its what you want, so its not right for you, please don't feel you need to cave into pressure. It's not a normal request.

NotANotMan · 27/01/2019 18:08

Absolutely mad
Tell her you won't even discuss him staying away from you overnight until he's at least 3, and then it will only be to think about it.
What a cow.

Notagainmun · 27/01/2019 18:10

Congratulations. Just keep saying no, not until we are both ready. Don't get stressed just repeat until she stops asking (even if you know if won't be for a few years yet). I am always happy to babysit when needed but I have never had my grandchild stay for no reason, I don't see the point when I could be enjoying seeing the baby and her parents all together.

Amara123 · 27/01/2019 18:14

No way no how. There's no guarantee your baby will ever take a bottle. Your feelings on this come first. My baby is a few months old and I am a long way off letting them stay with anyone for the day, let alone a full night.

mclady · 27/01/2019 18:52

Maybe suggest that she spends a night at yours. She can be on hand to help you during the night but your baby will still (quite rightly) be with you.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 27/01/2019 18:59

He’s not a toy that you have to share.
I have an overbearing mother. I often pretend that Ihave discussed her strongly expressed opinions with an independent expert and then I use their authority to disagree with her.
“I checked with the GP/midwife/health visitor and they say that best practice nowadays is.....”
She hates it but she backs off.

planespotting · 28/01/2019 06:18

Nope nope nope
As someone suggested, she needs her own baby
This one is yours Smile
Congratulations OP
Cuddle all you can, it flies by

planespotting · 28/01/2019 06:20

You know, she probably thinks she's being helpful but she is way off base.
Nah, I dont buy it

KarinandtheSeaUrchins · 28/01/2019 06:57

"That's really lovely of you, but he's too young for sleepovers and he will he for quite a while yet. I'll let you know when we think he's ready." Repeat! Don't be put under pressure Thanks

KarinandtheSeaUrchins · 28/01/2019 06:58

*be

mogtheexcellent · 28/01/2019 07:02

My DD is 4.6 and has never spent the night on her own at grandparents house. My mum has stayed at mine twice to look after her when my DH and I had to go to a wedding involving overnight hotel but that is it.

Congratulations on gorgeous snuffly baby.

Burpsandfustles · 28/01/2019 07:47

Of course it's not you op!
Tell her firmly that she can't have him over night for a long time and to stop asking you about it.

Beamur · 28/01/2019 07:53

Unless the advice has changed (my baby is almost a teen) I thought ideally you don't offer even expressed breast milk in a bottle for the first few months.
Your baby can go for sleepovers in time, but not until you're both ready for it.

planespotting · 28/01/2019 08:14

I also would say OP that your mums seems to want to establish her overbearing ways on your baby already, she sounds like she wants to have you both at her command
Don't let her

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