To feel totally and utterly pissed off?

[fluffypudcats]

2 years ago they found a massive brain tumour. It was huge (bigger than a fist) I was critical. They removed it, it was benign and post surgery was wonderful. It took a year to recover but I wasn't in pain. I hadn't realised I was until I found I wasn't IYSWIM. Took a year but got back to work though needed to change jobs due to sensory overload in existing job. Been there 4 months. After a year, I discovered I had a second benign tumour that had been there all along but had been forgotten about due to the life threatening situation with the first one. I just burst out laughing when they told me. It's the size of a grape - nothing in comparison.

I get annual scans. November, they find regrowth; significant regrowth. I need radiotherapy. 6 weeks every day. "Hopefully" I won't need further treatment. Further treatment could involve partial face reconstruction. It's this final bit that's pissed me off. How fucking dare it. My life was getting back on track. New work were great then I drop them in it from a great height.

Problem is I don't live in the UK. Think crown dependency. So for treatment, I have to move to stay in a hotel. No family or friends with me. No pets. No cooking facilities for dinners.

I want to kick and scream and shout. And cry, but I can't do that since surgery so I have to put up with 😭. I have been so bloody positive through it all. It genuinely hasn't phased me, until now. And now I'm so ANGRY.

Tell me IANBU, please.

Yanbu, what a bastard. Going through it once is bad enough, having to go through it again is terrible. Kick its arse!!!

YADNBU! That’s really shit.
From your post you sound really strong and resilient, but you are allowed to react against the unfairness of your situation.
(and and if they help)

YADNBU. Life can be so cruel at times. I hope everything will be a lot better for you as soon as possible!!

I'm so sorry. Will you be able to get any weekend breaks, ie fly home for a couple of days? A family friend did this (cancer treatment), although I think she had to pay for those flights (easyjet).

Yanbu at all. We’ve all got our limits to our patience and this is yours. It’s unfair when so much has already been asked from you to have to deal with this too.

You don’t have to deal with it with good grace, this tumour is your stereotypical MN CF - nobody is going to judge you for not dealing with it like Mary Poppins when it needs telling to get to fuck.

I am so sorry. How brave you are in the face of such bad news. You have every right to be angry at fate, the universe and everything in-between. Anger is a good, fierce thing to help you put one foot in front of the other, so keep the flames burning as long as you need them.

When I travelled a lot for work, instead of hotel rooms, I’d often book holiday apartments, trading off more glamorous surrounds for more room and kitchen facilities - would that be possible?

I hope your treatment is successful and you avoid the worst surgery.

Are you from FI ?

That's a bit of a shitter, but well done for taking it in your stride so far! I can't begin to imagine how it would affect you. Good luck with getting it nailed this time!

That's so shit, you have every right to be angry. I went through cancer 8 years ago, surgery to cut open and reconstruct my face, chemo and radiotherapy. It was awful, but like you I remained positive. However I've often thought I couldn't stay positive if I was to face it again. It takes a great deal to come through something like that and get "back to normal" so a setback like this is so tough. I'm so sorry.

Some people are so strong - you’re obviously one of them and sound like a good laugh too. I’d buy you a beer if I could.
Life is fucking unfair sometimes. That poor Spanish woman in the news today whose baby fell down the well and died - she’d also lost her three year old boy to a heart attack.. - and yet others lead charmed lives. Maybe try and build in some lovely treats into your everyday life? Think of things that your family/friends would like but do them for yourself instead? You have every right to be fucking furious, rebellion in the anger but do move on from it or it will eat away at you

Thank you all. Can't really talk to parents about it too much. Mum is struggling and Dad came through skin cancer 6months after me! Oh and one cat had her leg amputated 6 months ago for cancer. It's been so ridiculous, you have to laugh. Lady in HR yesterday commented that yesterday was the only time I hadn't sounded positive.

To answer some of you: not FI, closer thank god!; accommodation will be horrendous- you get an allowance of about £30 a night and about £10 travel but all accounted for. Can't fly home. Treatment is EVERY FUCKING DAY so can't even visit friends at other end of country. Can't take my hobby. ARRRGGGGGHHHHHH. Oh, no 🍻 🍺 🍷 🍾 🥃 🍹 🍸 🥂 of any sort as have post surgical epilepsy too. Can't Netflix (with or without the chill) as there is too much sensory information for my brain to deal with (hearing aids and eye issues post surgery too.

God, I'm a moaner when I want to be! I forget that it's amazing I'm as well as I am. No "big" major post surgical problems (just 1000's of little ones)

Cornettoninja and Luckything50, thank you, that made me laugh 😂 (without the tears of course!)

The sensory stuff sounds awful, how long does it last for or is it an unknown?

I'm so sorry you sound incredibly resilient and I hope this goes as well as it can.

(I think your latest name change has failed, incase you want to report it to get it changed)

A moaner you most definitely are not!
Get it all out here where you can OP

Fucking hell! I'd be kicking swans in your position. Maybe not wise, the fuckers would break your arm. Allegedly.

Sensory issues have got worse - airports have left me a quivering wreck in the corner (literally) so I now get assistance. I wonder if I'm pushing it too much. I look and sound so "normal", everyone forgets / doesn't think I have this massive hidden disability, including me sometimes!

Name change fail? Ah well, nowt to worry about in the grand scheme of things!

MorningsEleven don't fancy getting carted off to the Tower of London this time of year - I heard it can be a bit 🥶

You have every right to be pissed off,I think it would be a miracle if you weren't.

Life can be a real Cunt sometimes!

I hope things improve for you and your family.

Yes fluffy it can be very despiriting my ex wife has been through a very long treatment for breast and liver cancer i've had her crying on the phone for hours on end shes now been told its all OK for now, but it did take a toll on her and the DD's.

However not something that might make you feel better but a friend of a relative is a reasearch scientist at the large cancer reasearch lab and recently he's been very excited about immuno therapy and most every week someone somewhere makes a discovery that will one day he assures me we'll have cancers as exctinct as the Dodo;!

There’s no shame in taking it slow and steady. You have to do what’s best for you, even if that means people helping. You don’t have anything to prove to anyone.

I’m not into gushing, but you sound pretty awesome already, you’re making the rest of us look bad

Hang in there

Is now the right time to add in that until diagnosis, I was middle management in a secondary school. I dropped the responsibility on my return but still teach everyone's "favourite" subject 11-18, compulsory to ALL students, whatever their age!

Kick its arse. Hard. It's desperately unfair.

So sorry, hope it all goes well for you

of course you're allowed to be pissed off.