Decluttering when you live with a ‘hoarder’

[ItsMyIssue]

Just finished a part refurb of the house. I have now started a declutter. The massive problem is with DH, he has 3 wardrobes full of clothes, office full of computer things, hobby stuff and equipment. The double garage is full, the loft is full. His reasoning is ‘we might need it, we don’t want to pay out to replace it’. The thing is he has so much stuff he doesn’t even know what he’s got. His solution is to get more storage. I’m so fed up. The refurb was to improve our home but it’s made it worse, as all this stuff is now everywhere waiting to be sorted. I’ve offered to help but ‘I wouldn’t know what’s important’ and he had very little free time to do it. Suggestions? Please help.

It would stress me out so much I think I’d get a skip and chuck the lot! Far too much stuff to sort through especially since one of you isn’t on board. He won’t know what’s gone if he doesn’t see it go in the skip!

Hire a skip that recycles though!

I would do 1 of 2 things.

Have a clear out when he's not there or I would get my own house.

Tell him straight. That everything he hasn't used in 6 months is going and just do it. If it triggers his mental health then he can go to gp and get it sorted.

*I don't have the patience for this shit so yes I sound cold.

I would have no patience with this, the lot would be binned while he was out
Alternatively do it by stealth, a bit at a time, if he notices and kicks off ask him to tell you what's missing, he won't be able to

If he doesn’t know what he’s got I’d probably just start throwing it out tbh. He’s being incredibly selfish. DH has a garage that he can store his crap in and I’m happy to ignore it but in the house it’s agreed that we only keep what we use and get rid of it if it’s no longer serving a use. I’m extremely ruthless though as I’ve spent the last two years completely ridding our house of excess stuff.

You can’t get rid of his stuff, that would be really cruel.

If you can’t live with it (and I couldn’t) you need to leave him. It will crush you, and he won’t change.

if he's an actual hoarder - I think you're stuck.

If he's more open to reason try making a case about why things need to go - out of date - clothes tech - hasn't been touched in years - possibly making money selling on some of it ebay.

As for stuff being everywhere - bag it up and find soemwhere to put it out of sight - possibly hiring storage with a deadline as beyond that it just costs to much and is a waste.

Or as pp say get rid of little things every so often.

If you buy another for less than £20 in 20 minutes the space that item is currently taking up is more valuable than the item itself.

I found this quote on a Kondo blog and it is very apt for hoarders

The truth is, if you don’t know where it is, can’t get to it because it’s buried somewhere, or have forgotten it altogether, it functionally doesn’t exist anymore.
You’ve lost it.
You lost it long ago.
All you’re holding onto is a spacial and psychic burden

I think the problem you have is that he is not owning how it is impacting on your relationship. So yes you can clear out his unused stuff behind his back and that must be so tempting. But to do it little by little is not going to get the quantity you are describing cleared any time soon.

The very little free time is an excuse. It is trying to minimise the issue.

Can you clear a weekend so nothing else is happening then and book it in your calendars and choose the room inside the house that is disturbing you the most and focus on that together.

I actually think Kondo is really good for this kind of stuff. Watch a few episodes together (say it's for storage ideas 😉) and see how he feels.

I'm sorry to say I think you are doomed, you should just rename yourself Sisyphus

If you live with a hoarder you are letting the hoarder build a prison around you both

The truth is, if you don’t know where it is, can’t get to it because it’s buried somewhere, or have forgotten it altogether, it functionally doesn’t exist anymore.
You’ve lost it.
You lost it long ago.
All you’re holding onto is a spacial and psychic burden

So true! I am ashamed to say I recently discovered an unused hairdryer at the back of a cupboard. Shortly after I'd replaced one which burnt out.

If you buy another for less than £20 in 20 minutes the space that item is currently taking up is more valuable than the item itself.

Interesting thought.

Yes, we have a hoarding problem. Watching this thread with interest.

I actually think Kondo is really good for this kind of stuff. Watch a few episodes together (say it's for storage ideas 😉) and see how he feels.

Ha ha, I'm planning to do this! In my defence, my "stuff" is more contained than DH's "stuff". I still need to have a clear out but DH will take more persuading.

I personally struggle with getting rid of stuff because I feel a duty to do so in a responsible way
I don't want to just dump it all
Not that I see myself as a hoarder but I definitely have more stuff than I need

Another thing to think about when trying to get rid of the 'it might come in handys' is that while you might need one or two of the items that you rarely use, chances are that you won't need anywhere near all of them.

So if you get rid of the lot, the worst that can happen is that you might have to replace one or two of them in the future, but that cost has bought you a whole load of space and better mental health now.

Plus the chances of being able to find something again when it's packed away is usually tiny.

I once spent ages looking for the Ikea blind cutter that we had somewhere. I felt quite an idiot when I realised that I could just go and get another one from Ikea, five minutes up the road for about £2. It would have been much quicker and less stressful to just go and buy another one, than to look for it.

I think we need a scheme whereby people could donate their hoards and other people could be employed to sort and allocate the items in a responsible and environmentally friendly manner

The problem is that with all the IKEA blind cutters etc we are just filling the world with plastic unnecessarily

I read the Marie Kondo book and ended up decluttering my husband. Just saying ...

I hereby denounce Marie kondo for endorsing a throw away society

Ha ha, I'm planning to do this! In my defence, my "stuff" is more contained than DH's "stuff". I still need to have a clear out but DH will take more persuading.

We are similar! DH really struggles with the 'but it might be useful!' and so do I to a certain extent.

We both really liked the 'feel joy' mantra, because actually you do end up keeping everything that's actually useful but not doubles of everything.

Most of our clear out had been able to go to the charity shop or recycling centre so no guilt there.

It is mostly useful to someone, but having too much stuff makes our lives feel stressful and crowded. We got rid of enough clothes between us to donate a chest of drawers to a friend and the extra space makes a huge difference to how comfortable our room is to be in.

Start a declutter on the 1st of February, 1 item. 2 on the 2nd, 3 on the 3rd etc until you are ridding 28 items on the 28th.
It was amazing when I did it a few years ago. Maybe do it together so you are both clearing out and your DH doesn't feel like it's all of his stuff that's going.

I sadly lost my partner last May and had to sort out his stuff. One 80 litre bin bag jammed absolutely full of old socks, countless more of other old clothes. 7 brand new boxes of paints, both oil and water colours (neither of us can paint) 2 bags of unidentified computer and other electrical leads and chargers. The list goes on... and that's before I begin on his model railway stuff.

I loved him very dearly but wish he hadn't hoarded and made to much work. It was a heart-breaking task and not over yet.

wordthe getting rid of the things you don't need is the first step to not having multiple ikea blind cutters, because the things you keep you can actually find, and if you recycled one earlier responsibly there's a reasonable chance it was used again in some way. Versus having 2+ used once in your hoard at home and unusable to anyone else.

I think one of the things that's good about the Kondo show, is that hardly anyone does end up buying new storage, what they already have divided up with recycled boxes works just fine.

And when you know what you have and can find it when you need it, it's so much easier not to go and buy more.

It's the reduce, at the beginning of reduce reuse recycle in many ways.