Borderline personality disorder

[Oddcat]

We haven’t had a diagnosis but I strongly suspect my dd 21 has BPD , she ticks every single box and I am really struggling with her mood swings and violent verbal outbursts .

She admits she needs help but won’t go to the gp because ‘they’re rubbish ‘ . She suffers with bad periods , I suggest different ways to help with this but she rejects everything.

I’m exhausted and also dealing with elderly parents, my dad has recently had a heart attack and is today having a biopsy for suspected prostate cancer. My mum is agoraphobic and needs extra care.

I am thinking of sending dd to a rehab in Thailand ( cannabis use) she is keen to go but last night had another meltdown and said she doesn’t want to go.

I’m at my wits end.

Why rehab in Thailand?!
She needs mental health support. She doesn't need to be sent to some cheapo 'rehab' for a non addictive substance in a country where you can be jailed for life for possessing drugs
Can she self refer to the local mental health services? Lots of areas do this now to save GP appointments when all they do is refer on.

The rehab deals with all mental health issues and addiction. She has said she wants to go somewhere far away- she was talking about back packing.

Like I said, I am at my wits end.

She won’t self refer , she won’t even go to the gp.

She has had counselling but it didn’t help.

I have BPD though it's a lot better now I'm in my mid 30s. Was diagnosed late teens,my symptoms were really still bad when I was your DD's age and i was also a heavy cannabis user.

I didn't live at home from 18 onwards, but what helped me most was people just being non-judgmentally supportive. When I was ready to I sought help (I was in the system from 18 but didn't always engage much) and quit weed. I know it's really hard to step back but if she's pushed towards help she may just see it as confirmation of how she is fucking everything up, is the worst person ever etc. (both for needing tje help and not seeking it hetself) - BPD twists things like that.

I get what you’re saying but she constantly rants at me to help her , I’ve said that I’m not qualified to help properly and all I can do is love her and offer suggestions which she always rejects.

She is so verbally aggressive to me , it’s draining, and before people start saying kick her out, she doesn’t work ( has had and lost 5 jobs in 9 months) and I feel it would make her feel even worse about herself.

How do I help her when she keeps moving the goalposts?

She says she is ready to sort herself out and wants to change her whole life .

She says she is ready to sort herself out and wants to change her whole life

Then she must see that getting help with her mental health is a part of that? If not, why not?

Is she particularly bad when she's due, or is it all month?

I think this is just how people behave in the grip of BPD tbh. Even now I can get stuck in spirals of self-loathing where my perspective keeps flipping. Sometimes BPD makes you desperate for support then as soon as it's offered you feel like you don't deserve it and turn that anger at the other person. It's absolutely awful to experience but I appreciate it's awful to try and care for someone with it too. Have you read m/any books/websites about it? I can tell you how it feels to have BPD but I don't gave experience of caring for someone with it.

It's EUPD now. Emotionally Unstable personality disorder.

If she is ready to change her life, it is less about making grand gestures like going to rehab in Thailand and more about cutting down on the bad habits and maybe doing a few more constructive things. Given she hasn't let you help before, I doubt if she would take this on board.

There Is actually very little you can do, except protect yourself, unless she wants to change.

I would be very wary of diagnosing a personality disorder in my child; I would also be open minded about the way hormones can cause enormous difficulties which are often diagnosed as mental illness.

But, if you are not going to be hard hearted and make her leave, you need to find some boundaries for yourself so that you can shrug off some of her aggressive words and find some sanctuary for yourself. She is going to have to want to seek help, and if you are doing the work, then she has less responsibility for self-change.

Whatever it’s called- I’m asking for help .

Has she ever been tested for Autism? Or have any trauma? I’d look at those first, most women with BPD diagnoses are actually autistic or suffering from complex PTSD.

@ItsameAmario I hate that, and will carry on using BPD thanks (it’s my diagnosis)

Then she must see that getting help with her mental health is a part of that? If not, why not?

Because that's what BPD makes you think. That you're fundamentally broken and can't be helped/don't deserve help.

Tbh the provision for support for BPD is pretty crap anyway. I was in the system for 7 years before I saw a psychologist, though this was partly because I didn't want to engage in group therapy (didn't want to open up to a bunch of strangers).

I always think the label is less important that the behaviour. Even if she were to be diagnosed, she will still behave the same. It sounds like she is using you as her emotional punch bag tbh.

Have you asked her what help she expects you to provide, given that she is rejecting all your suggestions?

I think you need to decide where your boundaries lie, make them clear and stick to them. If it’s ok by you for her to treat you badly, then fine. If not., then you’ll have to decide what you’re going to do about it, given that she refuses to seek help.

I suspect you wouldnt ever kick her out (I’m not judging you either way for that by the way), and that she knows this and therefore has no real incentive to change her behaviour or seek help.

She keeps saying she wants to go away and has said she wants to go to Thailand, I guess if she wants it that badly she’d make more of an effort- although she has spoken to the clinical director out there.

BuffaloCauliflower

This is true. I have been considering whether I might actually be autistic, especially when I look at how I was as a child. I wonder if BPD symptoms are sometimes the reaction of an autistic person under stress. I have two female friends who were diagnosed as BPD in their late teens who now in their 30s have been redisgnosed as autistic (They and me also had eating disorders which are also common in women on the autistic spectrum apparently.)

I think you need to decide where your boundaries lie, make them clear and stick to them. If it’s ok by you for her to treat you badly, then fine. If not., then you’ll have to decide what you’re going to do about it, given that she refuses to seek help.

This is good advice. Someone laying things out clearly to me is really helpful and stops my thoughts spiralling in circles.

I was diagnosed with BPD 3 years ago. It’s honestly a nightmare sometimes, feeling overwhelmed by every bloody emotion. I will say, that my MH support since diagnosis has been much worse than when I was formerly diagnosed with depression. I think that without her engaging, you’re very limited in what you can do. I honestly don’t know what to suggest, but here to talk if you need to.

@Itsame there is still disagreement on the terminology & I prefer BPD as EUPD feels like a judgement on me being unable to cope. I hate both terms as the stigma attached is awful.

She has had no diagnosis of autism. Her dad was useless when she was little ( we split when she was 9 months old as he was a controlling , abusive drunk) he constantly let her down.

How is she paying to go to Thailand? And how much is this treatment going to cost? Have you a link to their website, to see what they actually offer?

It's a natural reaction to want to go away when things are tough, but in reality it doesn't change anything beyond your time away.

I would pay- I’m at the stage where I am willing to do anything to help her. The place is called The Dawn in Chiang Mai .

@BrieAndOatcakes I have seen BPD placed on a wider spectrum with ASD. It makes a lot of sense. Girls are much better at hiding autistic traits.
BPD is generally a bit of a ‘we don’t know what else to give you’ diagnosis

She has actually diagnosed herself and I know this is not ideal, but at least she has admitted she has a problem and she really does tick all the boxes. I think a formal diagnosis is needed though.