Borderline personality disorder

[Oddcat]

We haven’t had a diagnosis but I strongly suspect my dd 21 has BPD , she ticks every single box and I am really struggling with her mood swings and violent verbal outbursts .

She admits she needs help but won’t go to the gp because ‘they’re rubbish ‘ . She suffers with bad periods , I suggest different ways to help with this but she rejects everything.

I’m exhausted and also dealing with elderly parents, my dad has recently had a heart attack and is today having a biopsy for suspected prostate cancer. My mum is agoraphobic and needs extra care.

I am thinking of sending dd to a rehab in Thailand ( cannabis use) she is keen to go but last night had another meltdown and said she doesn’t want to go.

I’m at my wits end.

I think her going to Thailand would be a disaster. She’d be in an unfamiliar place, laws she doesn’t know, drugs quite freely available, police who won’t give a fuck about her MH if she does get into trouble etc.

She would be going to a rehab centre in Thailand.

If she’s up for going to Thailand, why not a doctor here?

I am sure you have already seen this NHS site
www.nhs.uk/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/treatment/
Where i live they favour DBT for this diagnosis and support
All treatments usually via GP or CMHt but if you are willing to pay you my be able to find somebody offering one of these treatments locally or a privately run therapeutic community?

good luck

That place in Thailand will cost a small fortune for treatment of any meaningful length. Although I can see why she wants to go there, it's effectively a 5* resort with therapy thrown in.

If you're willing to pay, would she see someone privately here?

You could also pay to see private psychiatrist / psychologist for diagnosis / opinion?

It’s actually cheaper to send her to Thailand than have treatment here . She feels she needs to be away from where we live and all the influences that are here.

I don’t know why she won’t see a doctor here- and she can’t explain why either.

It’s £9000 for Thailand for a month and £22000 for treatment here in the uk.

She would be going to a rehab centre in Thailand

What’s to say she wouldn’t just leave?

Even if you send her to rehab it won’t fix the problem, she needs ongoing MH support in this country.

The starting cost at The Dawn is $10,000 for thirty days. If she's having DBT she's going to be there far longer than that.

That is not cheaper than seeing someone here.

If she's u

The vast majority of people with BPD do not have residential treatment, and it's never offered as a first line treatment.

I wouldn't even contemplate Thailand until she's shown a commitment to seeking help here.

Our 28 day treatment programme costs £9000 The fee includes a private en-suite room with balcony, all treatment activities including counselling and holistic wellness, personal fitness training, weekly excursions, and individual counselling sessions.
Also included is 10 weeks of online group relapse prevention aftercare which is crucial to maintaining long term recovery.

And what happens when she gets back home? A few online sessions isn't proper ongoing support.

DBT takes place over months, not weeks.

I understand how desperate you are to help your daughter, but you must see that this is more of a jolly than a realistic long term support plan?

I’ll see if she is willing to see a psychiatrist here. I have suggested this numerous times before and she’s always been very anti.

She was referred to Cahms years ago and I must admit it was awful. The psychiatrist kept yawning, he mumbled and after dd had punched a hole in the wall, he declared there was nothing wrong with her even though she refused to speak!

I’m aware that Thailand is a big gamble and yes , I am desperate.

My sister asked her yesterday what she had planned when she got back and was given a shitty answer.

I definitely wouldn't mention the fact you think your DD had bpd to any health professional. It's a hugely stigmatising diagnosis and not particularly helpful. You mention bad periods - could there be a hormonal element? ASC as mentioned is also relevant and I personally think they're probably the same thing for some people. Not all.

Saying that, although I believe the diagnosis itself isn't helpful, the therapies around it are - not just for bpd but for a wide range of difficulties and actually a lot of the principles are useful for everyone. You can access these materials online or buy on Amazon. Look for Lineham's DBT Skills Training Manual. Mindfulness based cognitive therapy is also very good. Both of these are things you could possibly work through together if that was an option.

One other thing - dependence on caregivers can be a real issue in bpd type difficulties. As much as you may feel it's wrong for your DD, consider supporting her in the process of gaining some independence ie moving out at some point. That might be a long way off but should ultimately be a long term goal you are working towards together. Possible steps along the way could be getting a volunteering role, accessing some mh/therapeutic support etc.

Good luck. You're in the throes of it right now but it sounds like you're on it and with that support and encouragement, your DD will be OK.

My daughter has BPD/EUPD and has been sectioned in a private hospital (nhs funded) for many years - she is having extensive psychological treatment and DBT which she finds useful. In some ways we were ‘lucky’ her behaviour was so extreme she had to be an in patient! She was diagnosed with autism years ago but it never really fit. They did find a chromosome disorder on a random blood test though!
I wouldn’t recommend the Thailand idea tbh, sounds like potential for disaster. I understand how exhausting it is though and how desperate you get for an answer as a parent.

I don't think residential treatment is the answer - although it is the answer for you: desperate as you are for a break and some hope.

Even if she can learn how to deal with her emotions and give up substances in a foreign place with many facilities, coping back here in the dreary UK, with family and friends and jobs is a very different situation.

Could you talk to someone to get some help and support for you. It might help you to construct some sort of plan for how you can get through this and and in the process perhaps motivate her to seek some help?

My sister asked her yesterday what she had planned when she got back and was given a shitty answer.

This supports the concern that the Thailand idea is not a long term solution.

I'd give her the option of seeing a psychiatrist privately for assessment/ diagnosis and a discussion of treatment options. Thailand may be one of those options depending on the psychiatrist's opinion, it may not.

If she won't commit to seeing someone here, then I'd explain that you can't invest such a large amount on such an unknown as Thailand. You want to help her but that help needs to be realistic and helpful in the long term.

Thank you for all the replies, I am reading and taking it all on board.

30 days of DBT is useless if she has BPD. Online won’t work. When I was discussing DBT I was looking at a year of 2 days a week in sessions. It’s a long process. I can hear your pain and desperation to help, but Thailand is not the answer.

Ok , it seems unanimous that Thailand isn’t a goer , however I broach this with her will no doubt send her into another melt down - I can write the script!

I’m just so worn out from it all, I feel so sorry for her, we’ve both been struggling with this for years .

She needs to see a GP, explain the problems and ask for a referral to psychiatry

OP what about asking DD to research Thailand further, perhaps together and let her come to her own conclusion that it won't be suitable? If it's her own conclusion and not you saying no, she's less likely to explode. You won't be seen as the bad guy.

Of course you're going to need to guide her. Perhaps you could "look into it together" and guide her into seeing how long the therapy is needed for it to work typically. Work out based on that, how much it'd cost. When she sees it's not feasible, she can't really explode/argue at you. (She might be angry at the situation but at least you're not saying no, she's seen with her eyes it's not doable).

For you personally, there's quite a lot of support out there on how to deal with people who have BPD. It's like learning a new language, a whole new way of communication. If you haven't already, look online for a guide that makes sense to you and then re-read over and over every week. I know somebody who has found this very useful dealing with a family member.

Good luck x

Maybe it’s time to get tough with her, get out or get help kind of thing (obviously not as bluntly as that).