Anti depressants/coping methods in circumstantial depression/sadness

[againseriously]

Hi

Looking for words of wisdom to coping methods when something goes wrong in your life massively but on a normal level, your mental health is fine.

I've had a horrible shock in the last few days and have self medicated with wine which took the edge off but cannot be a long term plan.

Yesterday was the first day since Friday that I didn't have a drink (wasn't really hungover) and I felt shit and that the problems I'm facing are too much.

The problem I have is a DH one and if I LTB then eventually, I guess the sadness would go. But deep down I want to see this through for the kids. I'd rather not go into details as it just psyches me up even more and doesn't really help.

In the meantime, how can I stay calm?

I don't want to be dead inside. I have things to do. I exercised today even though my heart wasn't in it. I'm looking quite nice at the moment body and face wise and am taking care of myself with eating properly and really healthily as always. I go the other way to comfort eating, when I feel shit, I want to make myself look nicer which is probably a deeper response to how H has treated me and how I want to fight back.

Ideally, anti depressants aren't the answer for me. Feels like it'd be a false mask and I may find trouble coming off them.

Anyone tried cannabidiol? Would that help, do you think?

Clearly the answer is to address my problems. I will do in the end. I'm not being physically abused but there is a horrible level of deceit that has happened in my marriage that I thought had gone away but hadn't at all and has made a mockery of what I thought was a steady and loving relationship.

Thanks

Bumpy wumpy.

I know this is utterly miserable but please - could really do with some help.

Have you considered some counselling? Talk things through?

Yes. I don't think it's me who needs counselling, though. More DH. He's tearing our lives apart.

I went before, about 5 yrs ago when I found out about this the first time. Whilst I got to talk about my problems, there was nothing she could do to get rid of them - they could not be disappeared.

She told me - and this was the premise that I sought her help - that if I wanted to forgive DH, the best help she could give to me was for me to write a long letter about my problems (addressed to no one in particular), get it all out, and, when I was ready to move on, burn it or bin it.

I couldn't really see how that could help so I gave up with her.

She also told me to be incredibly kind to myself, not to drink away the problem because that would compound it all.

With about 6 years of things being, I thought ok, it looks like they weren't. He's done it again and it's soul destroying.

Learn to meditate. Changed my life.

Unfaithful, basically. I don't want to go into it anymore because it's just too shit (it's salacious and will detract thread) and will make me start acting unhinged when I need to try and keep a lid on it around my 3 small children.

It sounds like a grieving process that you're going through. You've been let down badly.

Keep exercising - when you're stressed the body goes into fight or flight mode and exercise makes the body think it has flown.

Build your buddy system. Connect with friends.

Eat well, take vitamins.

Mindfulness.

I like listening to nature sounds, like rainfall. It's a bit like white noise. Calms me down.

Try a different counsellor. Can take a while to find the right one.

Be aware that grieving takes time. Varies from person to person but might be a two year timeframe.

Favourite quote of mine ' Let go or be dragged'

(DH not my problem but rather my parents)

I am so annoyed on your behalf OP.

Thank you MsForestier - that's made me cry with relief - I think.

I'm in such a state and am so scared to completely lose my shit.

This isn’t what you’re asking but seriously why live like this?! It’s not living. You only get one life, as I know only acutely going through losing my mum to terminal cancer at the moment and myself being diagnosed with horrible chronic illness stuff. If you found out tomorrow you were dying how would you live? We’re all dying really, make the most of the time you have.

It’s hard leaving someone when you have small children but long term it is healthier for you and them to model a happy family life - you don’t need to be in a couple to do that.

You're having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. Your mind is trying to impose sense on a non sensical situation. In short, it's not you.

It feels bleak though. Whilst I might recover from this shock, history shows it will continue and my marriage is a joke.

The answer is to get rid of him. Any fool could tell me that.

I'm so angry that I'm looking for ways to calm me down when he's done this to me.

I'm sorry. That wasn't the point of the thread.

Got the kids home now and have opened up a bottle. I'm gutted.

Well maybe you do need to end your marriage ? I don’t think anti-depressants are the answer to the slings and arrows of life. It is healthy to be sad, grief stricken, angry when someone hurts you badly, or a person or relationship dies.
Try not to numb your feelings with too much booze. If you are drinking heavily just to block things out then that will cause far greater problems.
Try and spend time with close friends, get some emotional support, and think about how you want to proceed. I am sorry things are rough now, but nothing stays the same, this horrible time will shift and change as you shift and change, and you can have a better, happier life than this.

I don’t think you need to calm down. You need to get angry. Really angry. Your anger and hurt is justified. Use that anger to leave him.

Okay, is there a friend you can confide in? Perhaps you might see your GP too? S/he might be able to prescribe something short term and give you a check up.

I know everything feels a bit

Oops. Pressed send.

I know everything feels a bit more manageable with a glass of wine but you need to have an end point for that, as you've said.

Does he know that you know OP?

I'd steer clear of cannabidiol and go for endorphins of a workout. I can understand why you might want to avoid ADs but perhaps a chat with a GP might help. Sets down a marker with yourself that you are prioritising you.

Running outside - near nature if poss as short term help.
Talking to a trusted friend.
Cuddle your children
Nice food (not necessarily unhealthy just your fave)
Write down everything that's brilliant about YOU!
It will be OK in the end. If it's not ok then it's not the end and keep going.
Ignore your husband till you are ready to talk

You're very eloquent againseriously so pop that down first.

If it’s quarter past four where you are (your message is 16.14 UK time) then you need to put that bottle away. You have children - they need you to be sober. Grieve for what you’ve lost. Feel the pain. But make a plan because life is too short for you to live like this.

Yes, he knows I know.

I threw him out on Friday night. Kept the kids away from my phone calls to him.

He came back on Sat.

I think I've done the 'pick me' thing.

This is no way to live. I know that.

The only complication in matters is that he does it when he's blind drunk.

It's strip clubs. Some of you won't be offended but I am. I was mortally so when I realised he's done it 6 yrs ago.

Be spent almost £1k on a night out.

He promised me it was a one off where a colleague had roped him into it.

It was a massive deal. I was wrought. He saw me going to help and back thinking about it. Promised me never again.

Turns out every time he goes out, that's where he ends up. Alone. Not seen bank statements but the one that I saw on Friday showed he'd spent £660. He explained it as a 2 girl dance for an hour.

Please don't go on too much about it because my stomach is just about on the floor already. My heart rate is going mad typing this.

I know I have to leave him. I know that.

I just need coping, levelling advice while I go about it.

I know he's a cunt. I know he's a cunt.

The defence is that he does it when he's put of his mind drunk.

He's not like anyone I know. He's a monster when he's properly drunk. He's not him. I've seen it for years. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen.

No excuse. If I was threatening my marriage, I wouldn't get drunk.

Not him. This is a systematic routine where he goes out every 3/4 maths and does it. Spends near on £1k - WHICH WE DONT HAVE - apparently sees later on his bank statement and is 'disgusted'.

Now I've got wine in me, I'm reminded how much of a tosscunt this person is.

Never mind the blanking of my otherwise v intelligent mind. What the fuck am I going to do?

Got no family here. Utterly on my own.

You need headspace where you can retreat when you need a break from enacting 'The Plan', whatever that may be.

I would try another counsellor. Sometimes that can be more fruitful than having family giving their opinion. Do you have good friends?

Yes, I have friends but they are mutual and most of their husbands have an activity that they do together which is more important than life itself.

In short, I can go to them and will get support but long term, I'd have to say bye by because of the men's interests.

I would have support of my amazing sister who is the biggest non giver of fucks in the world. The problem in telling your family is that you are admitting this is the end.

No way would she support me giving it another chance if she knew.

So sorry for the typos. There are many of them having a quick look back. Not checked before sending, as so keen to get things out. Won't do it again.

Oh God, can anyone help me??