If you live with someone with OCD, what is it like?

[linse]

I really don't know anyone with OCD but need some perspective. My dsis has OCD. She is taking meds for it and she does have cbt sessions if she needs to if it gets a bit bad for her. I don't know how "severe" her OCD would be classed but she isn't housebound or anything like that which I know can happen in wondering extreme cases. She works and is healthy otherwise.

The issue is she is very controlling of people in our family who are a bit "soft". She lives with my parents and she is really hard work for our DM. DM lives in an existence of constantly being in a state of not doing X, saying x, get X done before dsis sees, etc etc. She controls everything around her so that dsis doesn't go off on a tantrum. If she feels something might trigger her like X hasn't been cleaned properly or whatever she will make DM clean it even even if DM is ill/ it's late or whatever. She doesn't give a shit. She will make her do it. DM conforms to keep the peace.

I can go on but my heart breaks for DM. I know there are a few OCD sufferers on here and have always thought is this how it is living with someone with OCD. Stressful, controlling , walking on eggshells, constantly thinking about what you do or say so not to get her mad. Some of the stuff isn't even related to OCD. Eg. Our DM avoids telling her that X person came to visit as she would become angry and have a go at DM etc.

Also one of the other things is which makes it even harder to deal with is that her friends/ co workers other close members of the family she is completely fine with. She "behaves" with them so they don't really know what it's really like to live with her. She would never dream of making them clean or yell at them. So I feel if she can control herself with others why doesn't she with DM.

Sorry if this sounds really ignorant of OCD but I do understand how shit it is if you have it but I would really appreciate some insight.

I have a diagnosis of OCD and a few other bits and pieces. My OCD controls me when it is bad, but I am certainly aware of the impact that my OCD can have on others and do not use it in a controlling way with other people. My husband is supportive and understanding of it but certainly wouldn't stand for being controlled and manipulated. If your sister is able to "behave" for those who wouldn't stand for her antics then it sounds as if she is insightful enough to be able to "behave" for anyone she chooses. Her behaviour doesn't sound as if it will improve (why should it, from her point of view, if it gets her what she wants?) whilst your DM enables her. Sounds like a tough situation.

My ex has OCD. It was exhausting. His was intrusive thoughts re contamination. He thought people were contaminating him. It got to the point he was taking time off work to avoid certain people, coming home in an absolute state and stripping off to have a bath. He would also be obsessive around the house. Always been on long term medication, which hadn't changed. Our local mental health team refused to see him. He relied on his parents far too much and was mollycoddled within an inch of his life because of it, ultimately a big reason I left him.
I'm so sorry you're having a tough time, I hope it gets better. Do you find the combination of medication and cbt helps her?

DeadCertain thanks for replying. So, if you don't mind me asking. Would you demand your dh do something a certain way or clean something for example if you felt it was something that triggered your OCD thoughts. For eg she would make DM clean certain parts of furniture that she felt were contaminated for whatever reason or would you them clean it yourself .

Also has your dh adapted his behaviour etc around you so not to trigger you? If so, what does he do?

Hopefulmidwife well she initially wouldn't go to the gp when she first developed it and things have been a lot better since but it does flare up.

I have ocd. There were certain things my husband did to try and alleviate my stress. When I had cbt and this came up my therapist pointed out that my husband is enabling me and not helping the situation. She suggested he come to a session with me to discuss this. Maybe that’s something you could suggest your dm does. That sounds a miserable existence and will not be helping your sister.

Also your sister needs to challenge herself or there is no point doing the therapy

An ex of mine (some years ago) had, and probably still has, OCD. He was a hoarder and the only room in the house that was near respectable was the living room. Everywhere else was jammed to the rafters with crap.

There were two rooms in his house I never went in as it wasn't possible to open the doors. I was never able to have much of my own stuff there as there was simply no room for it. It was everything from "just in case" stuff, to empty boxes that appliances came in - including those giant boxes that washing machines etc. are delivered in.

The crap also includes a load of his ex's stuff, half of his late DM's house contents and piles of newspapers.

Latterly I would get home from work and have to psych myself up to open the front door. To be honest, I wanted to burn the house down. I would never, never entertain living with a hoarder again, it's fucking exhausting.

Ridingthegravytrain ok so your husband did these things to alleviate your stress. My DM does the same but she does it so dsis won't have a meltdown. Alot of the time she will do things when she isn't there so dsis is none the wiser. DM is in a constant state of almost anxiety herself as she pre empts everything. Is this how your dh was?

I guess what my confusion and really wanting to know is- do people with OCD control the people around them? I get they seek reassurance etc but do they demand people do the rituals / cleaning etc for them ? I don't understand if it's her personality or the OCD has blurred it. She has always been "difficult" even before the OCD and it sometimes feels that she manipulates DM by using the ocd as an excuse. She has in the past threatened DM and said that she would make herself worse if she didn't do x or whatever.

Everyone is different, but for me part of it is doing it myself. Someone else doing it doesn’t work.

And yes having it can make you very controlling as you feel so out of control of things. But if it impacts someone else it is not ok

If I’m really anxious it can make me snappy but once I calm down I’ll apologise because it’s not ok to take my stress out on other people. I’m not controlling though. I’d never use my OCD as an excuse to be an arsehole.

Exhausting. He refuses to believe he has OCD and I try and help by not doing things that aggravate it but I find the more I donthen he has new things for me to do or not to do.
It gets in the way of him being able to relax with DC and he tries to make them so the same rituals with cleaning as he does and I see them getting anxious.
Its an actual nightmare but he won't get help for it at all.

@linse cleaning / contamination issues aren't an aspect of my OCD so I don't ask for cleaning type behaviours. I am exceedingly careful not to ask my husband to do anything to accommodate my OCD wherever possible, but occasionally I feel like I need to and he will (whilst making clear he doesn't believe that it can change things - in a respectful way and being straight and clear with me works for me). He hasn't adapted his behaviour in any way to "suit" my OCD as, for me, I find that it almost rationalises what I am doing and means that it must be "real" and "normal" if someone else also does something to aid it and in that way it can escalate. When things are bad for me as in times of high stress then I will resort to rituals and "strange" behaviours which my husband will comment on to try and reign me in a little or will ignore but never indulge and he will never pander to me. I am not sure that I am expressing myself too well, but hope some of that makes a little sense? Please feel free to ask anything that you like.

one example, we were about to have sex and he decided he needed to lay down a towel but first go over it with a lint roller and then take off his clothes and carefully fold them on the chair first. safe to say it really killed the passion and I couldn't be bothered after all that faff!

Ridingthegravytrain also has it right in that I need to do these things myself for them to "work".

My ex had OCD. To be honest, it's one of the key reasons he's an ex.

My husband has OCD. His is not germ/contamination related. Instead he focuses on locking/closing doors, turning off water or gas. Leaving the house is hard for him and when things are bad he needs to go back repeatedly and take pictures of taps and doors.

However he's recently had some CBT treatment for his OCD and he's doing really well. Nearly all of his obsessive behaviours have stopped or he's getting them under control. His OCD is linked to stress levels and anxiety. Previously his OCD has been better when his anxiety has been lower.

I am waiting to be diagnosed, GP believes it is but I need to see a psychologist. I am hard work at times. I have things that I can't cope with. Furniture being moved, dust or dry dirt, people knocking on the door or people I know turning up. I can't cope with noise so if he is watching tv he wears headphones. My way of dealing with things is asking DH to deal with it and I hide in another room, usually my bed.

We just moved and he did it all, I felt so guilty. He does a lot of me and I make sure that I do what I can to make his life good, I also make sure I know how much I appreciate his help. When we first moved in together he was walking on egg shells but I've learnt to live with someone, I also challenge myself to deal with the things that make me agitated and anxious.

Now if DH moves furniture I still get anxious and I don't make him move it back. If I find dust or dry dirt I clean it myself if I can but if I can't I ask DH to do it for me. if someone comes to the door I try to answer it. I also give DH control when I can.

He knows I mean, sorry.

From my experience, someone can have crippling OCD but it doesn’t explain all of their behaviour. Sometimes they are just being unreasonable/mean etc (just like anyone!) I think a lot of behaviour can be excused by loved ones because they have a mental illness when really it can be a separate issue.

That being said, your mum is likely to know far more about what your sister is going through as she lives with it daily. Your sister is also her child which evokes strong feelings of protection. Watching someone you love struggle with terrible OCD is utterly heartbreaking.

On a separate note that’s not really relevant to your situation but I think the trend for people labelling certain traits as OCD because, for example, they like their house to be tidy trivialises the hell that some people go through. This can make people fall to understand just how horrible it can be.

On a separate note that’s not really relevant to your situation but I think the trend for people labelling certain traits as OCD because, for example, they like their house to be tidy trivialises the hell that some people go through. This can make people fall to understand just how horrible it can be. Absolutely this. Hate it when people say they're "a bit OCD" about things. Huge difference between being particular about something and between HAVING to get it right and all of the anxiety and intrusive thoughts and the awful internal battles. For me it's a constant battle between my "logical brain" and "OCD brain". "You don't NEED to do that, nothing will happen" / "you MUST do that or x, y, z WILL happen".

Ds has Pure O. I have been advised by his therapists to reassure but in a limited fashion. I do my best and we are close. Having said that I would not put up with rude, aggressive behaviours.

Thank you everyone for all your replies. Its been really helpful.

So for those of you who have OCD it looks like you guys really really try hard not to make others do things to accommodate the OCD. This is the complete opposite of how she is. This is so so sad for DM. She doesn't deserve this. The thing is if you don't accommodate her then she goes completely mad and becomes insufferable to live with. Its just easier to do what she says. ( I lived with her for many years before I moved out and know what she can be like. It is extremely stressful and horrific.). But she doesn't act like this with everyone. Just the few " soft" characters of the family , me included.

DeadCertain and Ridingthegravytrain you both say that you do the cleaning/ rituals etc yourself for it to "work". I don't understand how she is ok with others doing it for her.

Teakind this is exactly it. I/ we have excused her behaviour due to the OCD and have said it's the ocr that is making her like this but after so many years I am now concerned that we may have been wrong as her controlling behaviour spills over into other areas nothing related to OCD. Dsis is in the centre and DM's life revolves in controlling everything she can around dsis in order to not get her into a meltdown/ angry/ triggered etc. It is utterly exhausting for her and sometimes she has said to me she wishes she was dead as it can get too much.

I have had flare ups of OCDin the past. It was stress related. The 'rituals' I was following meant I was trying to be in control of something at a time where I felt like I was unable to control a very stressful situation or period in my life. It can be debilitating. However, whilst your DM is clearly trying to be supportive, she is in fact a enabler and your DSis is taking full advantage of it (I daresay she knows it too seeing as she can control her behaviour amongst others)