If you live with someone with OCD, what is it like?

[linse]

I really don't know anyone with OCD but need some perspective. My dsis has OCD. She is taking meds for it and she does have cbt sessions if she needs to if it gets a bit bad for her. I don't know how "severe" her OCD would be classed but she isn't housebound or anything like that which I know can happen in wondering extreme cases. She works and is healthy otherwise.

The issue is she is very controlling of people in our family who are a bit "soft". She lives with my parents and she is really hard work for our DM. DM lives in an existence of constantly being in a state of not doing X, saying x, get X done before dsis sees, etc etc. She controls everything around her so that dsis doesn't go off on a tantrum. If she feels something might trigger her like X hasn't been cleaned properly or whatever she will make DM clean it even even if DM is ill/ it's late or whatever. She doesn't give a shit. She will make her do it. DM conforms to keep the peace.

I can go on but my heart breaks for DM. I know there are a few OCD sufferers on here and have always thought is this how it is living with someone with OCD. Stressful, controlling , walking on eggshells, constantly thinking about what you do or say so not to get her mad. Some of the stuff isn't even related to OCD. Eg. Our DM avoids telling her that X person came to visit as she would become angry and have a go at DM etc.

Also one of the other things is which makes it even harder to deal with is that her friends/ co workers other close members of the family she is completely fine with. She "behaves" with them so they don't really know what it's really like to live with her. She would never dream of making them clean or yell at them. So I feel if she can control herself with others why doesn't she with DM.

Sorry if this sounds really ignorant of OCD but I do understand how shit it is if you have it but I would really appreciate some insight.

DH has severe OCD, mainly about 'dirt'. It is awful and has almost split us up. It controls everything - including the actions of our children (although I have worked hard to stop that being the case). I learnt a while ago that doing exactly as he asks is just enabling it, and that's not what I want. It's not worth affecting my quality of life and that of our children just to avoid an argument. Now I tell him if he wants something doing a certain way, he has to do it himself. I just walk away.

When he's not around I don't do anything his way at all (I almost do the opposite). To get to this point, however, has been incredibly tough and has taken years. I've nearly left him on several occasions. I feel for your DM and completely recognise her behaviours. But she needs to make a stand for herself to avoid being consumed by someone else's thoughts. Re. Other non OCD behaviour and controlling - we've had that too. I believe it's around the stress of the OCD and the need to control something (anything). Again, I sympathise. The only way we're getting through it is by me being totally bloody minded about the whole thing and making a stand. Even then it's still very difficult. I wish there was an easy solution...

Wow! Sorry - that was a long post!

Wavingwhiledrowning thanks for your reply. If you don't enable your dh how would he react? Dsis would get very angry. Btw, I think it's amazing that you guys have come so far?

When you stopped the behaviours of enabling did it actually improve the OCD? DM thinks it gets worse if she doesn't.

Also when they ask for reassurance which she does a lot is that something that makes it worse and should not be indulged?

@linse - it's been a long old road. Reactions go from anger (he just cannot/will not accept that I don't think its necessary to do what he wants) to worry and anxiety. What I eventually realised was that I was choosing to do things his way just to get him to stop going on at me, but he couldn't physically make me do anything (unless he wanted to actually see me walk out of the door!). So he does get cross, but it no longer really registers with me.

The reassurance thing... I really don't know. I suspect that by giving it you do reinforce things, but frankly it's easier to just say I've done something/something is clean/it's all fine than to plant any seed of doubt in his head. I don't give it much airtime though. I answer a question once and if he asks again I just say I've already given my answer.

Some days I do wonder how it got to this point, and often I despair. Luckily it got so bad a year ago that his hands were literally constantly bleeding from all the washing. That was a bit of a wake up call for him and he has reigned it on a bit. I am also blessed with a daughter who is his total opposite - she's covered in mud as soon as she looks at it. I think deep down DH knows he's met his match with her as she's quite a force to be reckoned with! I'm just biding my time until she finally breaks him!!

Thanks for your reply. The thing is if you don't do what she says (just to those few she asks) she becomes extremely angry and then treats you like shit for days. She'll be screaming how it's all my fault for making her ill and how it's because we don't understand. We're making her life hell.

OCD is so fucking shit.

It sounds like Dsis hasn't had the moment when you realise they your behaviours are pushing the people you love away. That was the moment when I knew that I needed help.

Raven88 I don't think she will ever see it that way. Its all about her. She is the victim. We don't know what it's like so therefore we are not being emphatic. But like a pp said just because you have a mental illness doesn't give you permission to act like an arsehole.

I’m a parent of a young adult with OCD amongst other things. You live with what you can live with but if it gets to a point where it is adversely impacting on the household (beyond what we are prepared to put up with as ‘normal’ for them) then they have a few choices. They get help to get it back under control to a state we can all live with or they leave. Simple as. We do cut them more slack when they are actively working to address things because these things take time, there are no overnight ‘fixes’. That’s the key thing though, they have to recognise they have an issue, that the issue is adversely impacting others up the extent they need to seek assistance to manage it appropriately and they actively work on it.

No way would I put up with what you describe.

@linse I agree with not using mental health issues as an excuse to be treat others badly. I've been on the receiving end of that age it's emotionally draining.

I meant and not age.

I agree with @Raven88. When I almost walked out (had bags packed for me and children) was when DH had a moment of realisation. After that we spoke at length about his behaviour and what needed to change. He still has significant issues but at least he can see them as his problem and not mine (most of the time). I think your DS probably needs a similar wake up call. Easier said than done obviously but trying to reason with the situation or make sense of her behaviour is most likely futile. Good luck.

And I agree - OCD is totally shit. I hate it with an absolute passion.

My DH has undiagnosed OCD, it was far worse when we got together and has thankfully calmed down with the birth of our daughter 2 years ago. His need for everything to be 'just so' can be draining. It did control me too, in that I wanted everything to be perfect for him & felt like I was constantly failing. It was never going to live up to that standard or be enough. So I stopped taking it so personally. I know I'm not a messy person or a lazy person (In fact, I'm a perfectionist myself) therefore if he wants to waste time reorganising the dishwasher for no reason, spend his free time inspecting the house when he comes in - then that's his perogative. I'm not going to take it to heart, I know I've done all I can do that day.

I have had ocd and am fully recovered now. But my DH found it really really difficult at the time as he cared a lot but I was v demanding in terms of wanting him to do things a certain way which lessens the anxiety short term only. Long run makes everybody more miserable. I do hope your dsis can access help.

Some info here:
www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/for-friends-family

It runs all over one side of our family, and we’ve two people with the same diagnosis who behave differently when it comes to their actions with others - your mum needs therapy to set boundaries - mums do get into enabling for a quiet life but it makes the problem bigger and bigger which is what seems to have happened here

messyhousetidymind thanks for the link. I'll have a look. When you say you are fully recovered can you explain what that actually means. Dsis says that OCD cannot be cured only managed. Once you have it you will have it for life. The thoughts / compulsions will always be there and it may get erupt again during stressful periods etc. Is this what you mean by fully recovered or are you now like someone who is none OCD.

One family member told us that ocd wasn’t static for him, either he was beating it, or it was growing bigger, so he had to tackle it every day. That’s why enabling doesn’t work too as your mum is tying to cope with a static set of requirements but the anxiety will turn to other things.

Dh grew up with something like this but it's not been officially recognised in fact its presented as superiority. The way everyone should behave.

It's been very damaging and I think everyone around the person needs support as we'll as the individual.

It's just as damaging for children as any other addiction, obsession, mental illness that is obvious how it manifests itself.

Any extremes..

Stopwoofing yes that's right. Her OCD jumps from one thing to another. At one time it was shoes, feet what touched what etc another it was about razor blades.

Also talking of this, she can become obsessive about random things too nothing to do with germs etc for example she can become really intense about something and then move onto other stuff like a new hobby. She will talk and talk to people about her new hobby, buying stuff, watching videos, books, researching and spending loads of time on it and then a few months down the line she's jumped onto something else. Im wondering if this is a trait of people who have OCD.

I don't have any symptoms at the moment. I have had a truckload of private therapy and medication and am now off meds. I wouldn't hesitate to go back on if I needed to though. I have been fortunate. Perhaps I will always be vulnerable - how can I ever be certain?

Try not to judge your dsis, it's awful, I do hope she can get support. Only her doctor/therapist knows what she needs/prognosis, so many factors for each individual

x

yes so your mum can never keep up with that, your DSis clearly needs more therapy and your mum needs to be involved too so that they can hear from a 3rd party that her mum can't fix this for her in the way she's been trying to. I do feel sorry for your mum, it's a natural thing to want to help a daughter you see struggling but they both need to see they are letting the OCD win this way.

My DH has OCD though it is (mostly) under control now. Similar to Waving it took years for me to get him to acknowledge that it was an OCD and that his behavior is irrational.

DH used to get home from work, strip off on a towel in the hall (to leave the dirt there) and go straight to the bathroom to shower, his showers lasted 6 hours sometimes. If he ran out of shower gel he used to ask me to go shopping to get him more and it had to be a certain brand. It all came to a head one night when he ran out and I refused to go shopping for him. He ended up shaking, crying and rocking backwards and forwarded in a corner of the room. It was really frightening. I made him go to the GP the next day and he was prescribed tablets to help, eventually he had CBT and that helped him manage it better. The therapist told me never to enable him as that will only encourage the obsessive thoughts and make them worse.

DH is thankfully much better now though I think that is partly down to the fact that he doesn't work as the stress was making him worse. Your sister needs to acknowledge that she has a problem as it sounds like she blames everyone else instead of trying to manage the obsessive thoughts.

I think OCD makes (some) people very selfish as they can only see that their way is the right way.

I think OCD makes (some) people very selfish as they can only see that their way is the right way.

Yes, but I k ow from experience that I had others safety, health etc in mind. As in I was doing them a favour because they didn't recognise things had to be (done) a certain way.