Standing up for yourself?

[Bangingdoors]

Do you stand up for yourself, if so how do you think that comes across to other people, what message do you think that sends out? Similarly if you don't stand up for yourself, how do you think that comes across and what message are you sending out?

I stand up for myself very vocally so if needs must. I let the small stuff go but if necessary I will speak my mind very clearly.
If this causes a heated debate or a row I will not back down because in order for me to have stood up for myself things have gone to far and I have already spent a lot of time analysing if I'm in the row or not.
If I am wrong or got the wrong end of the stick I will admit it and apologise and move on. If someone else does me wrong and apologises I will also accept and move on.
However I will argue tooth and nail to defend my position if I know I'm right.
I feel like this is viewed negatively and most people would rather continue been misrepresented than deal with the conflict of addressing the issue but then end up been targeted by others and a vicious circle begins.

I absolutely hate conflict and will never go looking for it unless it's a last resort. Conflict rarely lands on my door as I'm always clear about my boundaries and probably because when they're crossed I deal with the issue so strongly it leaves a lasting memory
But I hate the negative connotations associated with standing up for myself.

Bump

I stand up for myself very vocally so if needs must. I let the small stuff go but if necessary I will speak my mind very clearly

You so sound a bit agressive to me

do - autocorrect!

I stand up for me & mine. If I know 100% that we are in the right, i'm not backing down. If i'm not sure, i'll ask for info. And yep will always apologise if i'm wrong.

Been told it comes across aggressive if you don't know me. People i consider good friends now have told me before they knew me i scared them because i was always firm & forceful if need be. They're pretty greatful of that when they need it tho

It depends on how you do it. There are plenty of ways to fight your corner without creating conflict.

MrsAriadneOliver that's what I am afraid of and want to avoid!
To give context of how I would stand up for myself here is an example.
Recently at work a group of us were chatting, I mentioned having done an activity recently. A few days later I was unwell at work. One of the people involved informed management of my recent activity implying it would've impacted me been unwell. There was no bearing on the activity to been unwell. Think going for a walk on a cold day and getting a head cold days later.
I was called the aside to discuss this my illness by management and my activity was mentioned as a factor. I enlightened management that the two were separate and the issue should never have been raised. I asked who had "reported" me and I spoke to them. I told them it wasn't their place to discuss my business with management and embellish the story, which they had done. They were extremely unhappy that I spoke to them about this and believed they were entitled to speak for me.

I was once told to stand up for myself but not by standing on other people’s toes!

Acknowledging that there are often two (or more) ways to view a problem and that usually everyone wants a sensible solution tend to help. Also gives a reputation for being helpful which means that if you do have to go nuclear it’s taken seriously.

Just seen your update. In my work that conversation would never have happened. I wouldn’t have been told who’d said what and if I’d complained it would have gone through HR. Otherwise everyone looks unprofessional.

I think it’s important to stick up for yourself otherwise you can risk being a doormat. That said, as I get older I learn to pick my battles. Also sometimes the silence treatment is just as effective as confrontation.

Re your work situation, there seems to be breaches of confidentiality from more than your party. Your colleague shouldn’t have said anything unless she was 100% certain that it was the cause especially seeing as it landed you in trouble. Your manager shouldn’t have revealed the source of the information.

*one party.

The whole situation was completely unprofessional and it stems back to management listening to tittle tattle and attempting to act on it, which has became common place in my work place for other people.
I am not interested in having this happen to me. I'm aware I could've raised a formal complaint about how it was handled but I believe the fall out would've been worse.
The way I've handled it has ensued the person sneaking back and manager listening will think twice before attempting to intimidate in future for been ill. However I don't feel pleased with having had to deal with the situation at all but I'd feel less happy if I ignored it and let them continue to attempt to create issues for me.
They both are very aware that if anything similar happens again I will take it much further but I'm upset at been put in that situation through no fault of my own.
Going forward I have to remember not to discuss anything no matter how innocuous it is in front of this person.
The manager did apologise and accept it was wrong to act. I think they've been very much manipulated by this person recently and have just began to realise that.

You sound, from what you've written here, like someone who equates 'standing up for yourself' with shouting at people e.g. 'very vocally', 'heated debate', 'tooth and nail'.

Why can't you state your case calmly but firmly? Being assertive and aggressive are not the same thing at all but you sound like someone who can't really tell the difference.

No I've never shouted but I will stand firm.
When I say tooth and nail, very verbally and entering into a heated debate, I didn't shout but I did not allow the other person who was shouting at me to stop me speaking. I repeatedly refuted their version of the story and their defence that they were right to "report" me.
So what I mean by the above phrases is I did not walk away agreeing to disagree, when the person shouting at me fired off questions that were not their business I told them I'd no intention of answering that.

I'm like you op, and I am seen as aggressive. I'm ok with that

@Bangingdoors

I’m genuinely not trying to be unkind, but from the way you describe these situations you do seem needlessly aggressive to me. I think that’s how I’d perceive you in real life, as aggressive and rude and a bit of a bully. I know that’s not what you want to hear.

I stand up for myself very vocally so if needs must

If this causes a heated debate or a row I will not back down

I deal with the issue so strongly it leaves a lasting memory

Surely if you’re going about it the right way there would be no lasting impression. There’s no need for conflict to get to that stage. It doesn’t have to be combative.

But I hate the negative connotations associated with standing up for myself

Maybe that’s because you’re going about it the wrong way?

I really don't understand your example.
A manager asked you to stop doing an activity you do outside of work because it may have made you ill? Completely bizarre. I too would knock this on the head and the gossipper. It would have perplexed me that it became an issue at all. However, from what you describe you sound a bit aggressive. Better to diffuse a situation than to ramp up the stress.

You sound quite aggressive. I think I'd be afraid of you in real life.

A quick grammar point: you keep using 'been' when you mean 'being'. Please don't feel the need to stand up for yourself, or fight tooth or nail. It's just a friendly pointer!

Dealing with an issue so that people remember it doesn't mean you're screaming your head off? And actually if people remember you will stand your ground they tend not to piss around with you because you know they will call you out. Standing up for yourself doesn't equate to shouting & screaming

The work example is bizarre, suggesting poor procedures and management. Are there any more normal, everyday examples, that might portray your own response as the main point, rather than the bizareness of your workplace?

There is a vast middle ground between doormat and aggressive. It's not a binary choice.

Thanks for all the replies, I'm genuinely grateful to get all perspectives as I'd love to change my own view if not anyone else's.
I never row with friends or family (tiffs with dh and kids aside) I don't have a line or indeed any ex friends or estranged family.
What I do have is a work place environment which is becoming toxic because of a couple of people. Up until now it hasn't affected me greatly because if something was done unfairly I would address it and ask could it be looked at and a compromise would be reached so I suppose as such it's always been known I'm not someone who can be taken advantage of. To give an example of such issues it would be similar to attempting to giving certain people all the unsociable shift pattern rather than dividing them fairly or asking if they could do extra short term to help out. Basically the same people would work those patterns three times a month rather than twice and other people would work them once.
This will be done to the quieter people who do not stand up for themselves.

So in the instance where my team mate discussed my private business behind my back, implying it impacted on my work I approached them and asked them why they thought it was their place. They began shouting at me, defending their position and telling me my activity was wrong. I stood my ground and repeated it was not their concern. They continued shouting, walked up and put their face into mine. I held my position and didn't move away which is what I felt they wanted. Was this wrong, should I have backed away, stopped speaking?
I believe I did the right thing standing firm, I think my team mate wanted to intimidate/scare me and I wasn't willing to give in as A) I wasn't scared (I don't think it's acceptable to be scared of anyone in the work place) and B) if I walked away they would continue to attempt to dominate me in my work place

Pissedoffdotcom that's what I try to achieve but I find that many people I work with lack confidence to speak up when treated unfairly so the few who do get labelled as difficult. As in don't cancel her holidays/stick in for overtime/change Rota, without asking. To not accept that is seen as difficult!

In that instance, I wouldn’t have approached them to discuss it in the first place. Why bother? I see it as just looking for an argument. They were wrong, you know it, management knows it, so what’s to be gained by confronting them?

I approached them as they've already set a precedence in doing this to other people who are angry but will not say anything so the cycle continues and grows for them.
It's the first time they involved me, and without intervention it would not be the last.
My choices were to escalate it to HR which would've gone on for weeks/months while they dealt with it, speak with management and colleague or ignore.
I choose the middle one as I didn't want a drawn out saga but nor do I think I should permit someone else to gossip about me in order to endanger my employment.
My manager is new and inexperienced and I think allowed herself to be led by a stronger character with their own agenda. Usually this doesn't impact on me so I have not got involved.
I pointed out to my manager that what was said wasn't relevant, my work hadn't been impacted and that the story been carried should not have been taken on board by her. She agreed and I believe she meant it but it will take her time to grow into her role. She is currently in a training programme and I believe with this and experience she will be a good manager.
My colleague is very different, they want to pull the strings, be next in line and be friends with the manager and team leads and hopefully step into a team lead role.
There is no doubt in my mind that if I didn't speak to them and stay strong they would have attempted to undermine and bully me in an underhand manner when possible.

If you have no doubts, keep doing what you’re doing then. You’re so sure you’re right, what’s the problem?

I genuinely don’t understand the example you’ve given though. Why would going for a walk give you a cold. Did whatever it was you were doing, make you need time off work?

I can’t work out if the colleague was being reasonable or not.