Standing up for yourself?

[Bangingdoors]

Do you stand up for yourself, if so how do you think that comes across to other people, what message do you think that sends out? Similarly if you don't stand up for yourself, how do you think that comes across and what message are you sending out?

I stand up for myself very vocally so if needs must. I let the small stuff go but if necessary I will speak my mind very clearly.
If this causes a heated debate or a row I will not back down because in order for me to have stood up for myself things have gone to far and I have already spent a lot of time analysing if I'm in the row or not.
If I am wrong or got the wrong end of the stick I will admit it and apologise and move on. If someone else does me wrong and apologises I will also accept and move on.
However I will argue tooth and nail to defend my position if I know I'm right.
I feel like this is viewed negatively and most people would rather continue been misrepresented than deal with the conflict of addressing the issue but then end up been targeted by others and a vicious circle begins.

I absolutely hate conflict and will never go looking for it unless it's a last resort. Conflict rarely lands on my door as I'm always clear about my boundaries and probably because when they're crossed I deal with the issue so strongly it leaves a lasting memory
But I hate the negative connotations associated with standing up for myself.

To be fair I really don't have a problem with how I reacted as I believe I was in a situation where any choice I made would not have a positive impact for me. I didn't create the original situation or go looking for it and I am upset that it has occurred.
Should it happen again I would feel I have no other choice but to involve HR but I know at work that would also be perceived negatively.
My colleagues at work believe I handled it correctly, they have said that in future they will not further tolerate their recent treatment. But they're so in awe of me in a you're great kind of way and my colleague and her one cronie so annoyed and manager feeling upset and that she's let her team down that I'm left with a nasty taste in my mouth and feeling really bad about myself.

Holidayshopping I know it's not very clear but I don't want to out myself.
People would say getting a chill would give you a cold when we all know it's a virus. My colleague was trying to imply my activity ended up in my been sick when they and management know it's down to a long term illness which will flare without notice.
I can avail of aids if necessary to do my work which I did for the first time in years. I was at work, completed my work and didn't impact anyone else by using my aid. But me using my aid meant it was removed from usual storage area and that interfering colleagues cronie who is usually in that area couldn't use it to her advantage that day. She has no reason to use it.

In that instance there was a fourth option, which was: Speak to the manager but not to your gossipy colleague. Let your manager do their job. It sounds as though the manager had recognised and acted on your concern, including recognising that responding to gossip was not acceptable and would not happen again. All dealt with, surely?

Gossipy colleague's gossip only has the status attributed to it by people in power. If not taken seriously or acted upon by managers, it is just silly gossip. The rest of you can choose not to talk with that person about personal matters.

One of the best lessons I learnt in the workplace was to let other people's poor behaviour speak for itself. You will not be the only person who can see what they're doing. The moment you get involved and try to interpret or argue with someone' else's unreasonable behaviour publicly, you become identified with it and viewed as part of the problem.

But this is all about one specific and rather odd work situation. Not about the topic in your title more generally.

Standing your ground whilst your colleague was shouting in your face doesn't make you the aggressive one. If you didn't raise your voice & simply called them out & asked them to stop spreading crap about you, that isn't aggressive.

Tbh in a work environment where shifts were handed out unfairly damn right i'd make my position known. Some people can't or won't but don't let that put you off.

manager feeling upset and that she's let her team down that I'm left with a nasty taste in my mouth and feeling really bad about myself

But you did go looking for this situation- you caused it. You had the choice of whether or not to confront them. Once you’d spoken to your manager, that should have been an end to the matter.

Look, you’re so insistent it was the right thing to do, but if your manager feels upset and you’re left with a bad taste in your mouth, isn’t that a clue that you could have been less confrontational about it?

If you have these big disagreements with people, it’s never going to be pleasant, is it? I don’t understand why you expect to feel differently about it. Those are the consequences of your chosen actions, you have to accept them

lottiegarbanzo I don't have any other examples in recent times I can recall as conflict wouldn't be part of my everyday life.
The nearest I can think besides is if I'm somewhere there's a queue waiting and someone attempts to jump in front of me or demands to because they'll be quick I point out that I and everyone else have been queuing for sometime and not only is it me they would be going in front of att all the other people.
If someone asks nicely because they are rushing for a genuine reason I will agree immediately but also turn and ask the rest of the queue if that's ok.
Whenever I have said no to the queue jumping (twice in my life once because it was for a Gp and my child was very sick and second time because I was feeling faint in supermarket queue) I'm left with a bad taste in my mouth. I hate conflict, I avoid it when I can but I knew in this case if I didn't step in now it would continue to grow. My manager will not be able to manage it and eventually I would end up having to escalate to HR which I would rather avoid.

I'll stand up for myself and my family in a firm manner whenever the outcome is meaningful and tangible.

I don't get fired up about emotional dramas, if someone doesn't like me for whatever reason, I'm not invested in their feelings. I don't feel compelled to change their mind.

*MrsAriadneOliver

manager feeling upset and that she's let her team down that I'm left with a nasty taste in my mouth and feeling really bad about myself

But you did go looking for this situation- you caused it. You had the choice of whether or not to confront them. Once you’d spoken to your manager, that should have been an end to the matter.*

Yes I choose to confront rather than ignoring it but the situation wasn't of my making. I did not initiate a flare of my illness, which my colleague implied I did.
Unfortunately not taking it further would not have been the end of it, if my manager would have handled the situation that would have been the ideal scenario for me but she is not yet equipped in doing so. It's a poor work situation to be in, I'm miserable about it and I suppose you're right I just have to accept the consequences. However I'm still allowed to be upset that not only am I experiencing a lot of pain but that it's used against me and causing me further upset.
On the basis I made the best of a bad choice, I would feel even worse if I instigated an investigation that went on for weeks and reflected badly on my manager who is still trying to learn her job and isn't been malicious just naive.
If I ignored it as you seem to think I should've then I am allowing myself to be walked over by a colleague, I have more pride in myself not to allow that to happen.

I am determined to learn from the situation and move on. Discussing my private life at work no matter how mundane leaves me open so that won't happen again. I have told my colleague if there is a second instance I will report it so I will be left alone by the colleague. I know however other people will continue to be targeted but as always I will not get involved unless there is an enquiry where I will speak honestly if required.

One thing that comes across, is that you act on your own assumptions and beliefs, as if they were facts. It's not clear that you perceive a difference.

For example:

You 'had to' talk to the colleague - because otherwise they would have gone on to do other things in future. (Maybe they would, maybe they wouldn't, you cannot be certain until it happens).

You 'had to' interefere in your manager's role (their decision about how to respond to gossipy colleague's actions, immediately and in future) by confronting the colleague, because you know better than the manager how they were going to deal with this, as well as how it ought to be dealt with.

It is quite a 'feet first' approach and not surprising that if you act first, think later (or don't really think it through at all - so still believing yourself to be completely right), you may have feelings of regret or disquiet later, as you pick up on a sense from other people that what you did might not have been the best or only thing to do.

So again, why not let the manager do their job? Communicate with them. Be supportive towards them. Recognise that you don't always know what goes on behind closed doors, or in other people's minds.

Only if the manager messes up badly, make a complaint, first to the manager themselves, then escalate to HR if necessary.

I find it interesting that a lot of posters are seeing the OP as aggressive which I don't read at all in the way she has described what she does. I think women who are assertive, have an opinion and stand their ground are very often seen as aggressive, when a man doing the same thing might be seen as commanding, decisive or competitive. Note that "competitive" women also carries a negative connotation which doesn't apply to men.

MiniMum97 thank you and I agree with you about women who are assertive are seen as aggressive.
On this thread there has been a couple of comments which fringe on been nasty towards how I handled the situation. I'm finding those quiet difficult to to understand because I've been told in no short terms I'm aggressive in an aggressive manner while at every point I've remained polite and thankful for all feed back.

Lottie a lot of times in life we have to form and act on our own opinions. By no means does mean I am right or know the full picture. Maybe in hindsight I could've enlightened my manager to examples of my colleagues behaviour but I don't want to be embroiled in that situation. She is in training and has said herself she is still learning. I don't want to report or escalate anything but nor do I want my colleague to interfere in my health issues and I'm not willing to leave it to chance that she will continue to do so. The reality is this,situation should never have happened.

I don’t understand what you want though OP. If you want to stick up for yourself as you see it, do it, but accept you won’t feel amazing after the fact - no one feels great after a disagreement or conflict

You’re waaaay overthinking it. Seriously. Conflict isn’t pleasant, that’s the bottom line. You can chose to engage in it or not, it’s up to you.

OP i honestly wouldn't sweat it. As long as you aren't shouting/swearing/getting in somebody's face, aren't using abusive or derogatory language then stand your ground. Sod whether anyone else thinks you're aggressive....i've found a lot of the time folk who think that when you assert yourself are the ones who want to walk all over you

Thanks all, I think I do need to move on and forget about it and stop feeling so down.
I'm as sure as I can be that my approach was the better option. I'd love to have been able to believe my manager would handle the situation but seeing as she initially listened to gossip, believed I brought a flare on myself and discussed me and my illness with a colleague I did not trust her to do so. Also she never mentioned dealing with my colleague for this instance just in future she herself would not take on board idle gossip.
Thanks again I'll move on and stop letting it get to me.

I agree with you and have the same type of issues.

Currently at work I have our finance team unable to answer a question so I gave them the answer from the client's contract. They don't like this number as it's too high but it is what is in the contract so clearly we must be compliant. They have gone quiet on me and won't answer and if I ask for a straight answer or tell them I will be working to this figure as per contract I get mumblings of having to give them chance to sort things and that I'm being too gung ho! Wtf it's in a bloody contract.

People don't like it when they are wrong and someone else has confidence in their conviction.

What I'm getting at, is you describe 'having to' intervene in the way you did - confronting the gossipy colleague direct - as if you had no choice. You did have a choice.

In that instance, you actively sought out conflict. That's interesting, in the context of your question, because you say in your OP that you never do that.

You could also be viewed as having interfered in your boss's area of responsibility. Refusing to listen to gossip in future and recognising this was wrong IS dealing with the situation. It removes the gossip's power.

You don't know if the manager was going to confront the colleague. The answer to that is not to assume you know best and do it for her! It is to recognise that her management style is different from yours - or rather what yours would be, if you were the manager and this situation was your responsibility to sort out. You aren't and it isn't.

It could be construed that you are publicly undermining your manager rather than working with her and supporting her.

I'm saying in other words, don't lower yourself to your colleague's level. It may reflect badly on you, as well as making you feel bad.

With your colleague I wouldn't have spoken to them personally. However I think you were making a first strike to show 'don't mess with me'?

It was highly unprofessional of your manager to tell you who spoke to her. Ok so you know your colleague was shit stirring, but what if it had been something genuine?

The lessons learnt from this are never reveal things about your personal life in front of this colleague again and be careful what you say to your manager. She clearly has not yet learnt what is acceptable and unacceptable to repeat to her staff.

Or, given the odd-sounding dynamic of your workplace, this may have been the turning point in everyone recognising how manipulative the colleague is and they may collectively welcome you having spoken up.

In the end, whether you were 'right' in this situation doesn't tell you whether intervening in this way is usually right or will be welcomed by employers, or, whether your confrontational style is aggressive, assertive, shows great leadership potential or is just normal.

It has been a huge turning point, other people have spoken with the manager and aired how they are feeling so that's good I suppose. I just wish I wasn't the one who spoke out first.
My manager was not going to address it further, she told me that as far as she were concerned it was over and she would deal with future issues as they arose. If I wanted anything followed through it would've to be done formally.

I'm sure I haven't came out of this smelling of roses despite people at work supporting me. Two wrongs, actually three don't make a right. I was pushed into a situation, not of my making, I'm not a senior member of staff and yet many people here are adamant I should've behaved more professionally while ignoring that I had a completely unprofessional situation sprang on me out of the blue, one I would never have foreseen or thought possible.

I don't actually think you sounded aggressive from your description of the incident op- you were assertive.