Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

How did you decide how many children to have?

45 replies

GinGeum · 21/01/2019 08:11

DS is only 13 days old so I appreciate I’m still in the fog of recovery/sleepless nights and will probably forget it all in 6 weeks time, but I can’t help feeling like I’m ‘done’ already...

I always wanted lots of children, but I found pregnancy really hard. I basically felt as though my life was on hold for nine months because I was either throwing up constantly, absolutely exhausted or unable to walk more than 50 yards without being in pain. It was fine because I was able to press pause on everything, but I hate the idea of DS having a crap nine months with a Mum unable to do anything with him if I were to get pregnant again. The birth was also a lot more worrying than expected and DH really struggled to see me so poorly (sepsis).

We were also discussing the fact that if we just stuck with DS, we’d probably be more adventurous with travelling and would be able to afford a private education for just one child. We live on a farm so he would at least always have furry companions!

I realise we are too soon into it all to make a decision yet anyway, but it just got me wondering how everyone else knew when to stop.

OP posts:

AllGoodDogs · 21/01/2019 08:14

I knew I was done after one, but DH always wanted 2. After number two came along as a surprise and we took permanent measures to ensure he would be the last!! Never one moment since have I ever wanted a 3rd - kids are hard work 😂😂

wendz86 · 21/01/2019 08:15

I always wanted two children . I was one of two and felt like I wanted the same . I wanted them to have someone to play with etc . However I had no pregnancy issues so could have been different .

Seline · 21/01/2019 08:16

Always wanted three or four. Did consider stopping at one due to horrible pregnancy. Did it again and got twins. Even worse pregnancy and nearly died giving birth. Twins born at 26 weeks and needed extensive interventions.

We are definitely done. Even if that pregnancy had been a singleton, neither of us want to go through that again. And I don't want to risk leaving my kids without a mother

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

DelurkingAJ · 21/01/2019 08:17

We’ve discussed trying to have DC3 but have taken the view that we have two healthy DC and that to ‘roll the dice again’ when I might well be 40 before the child was born wasn’t a risk we were willing to take. If we had a contraception failure we wouldn’t be upset but it seems unlikely.

RightOcciputAnterior · 21/01/2019 08:24

waves Think I recognise you from the January baby bus! I'm struggling with this decision too. We live in a deprived area with poor state schools and if we stop at one child we can probably afford private education. DH did a fair bit of travelling before he met me, but I'm not well-travelled and I'd really like to be able to go on interesting trips, which will be much easier with one. I have a sister and bloody hated her as a child, and most people I know don't seem close to their siblings, so I'm not sure my child will be missing out on being an only. But the irrational, hormone-driven side of me loves my baby and loves the thought of having another. So I have no words of wisdom to add, but just wanted to say that you're not alone in struggling with this issue, and my reasons are similar to yours.

Original poster

GinGeum · 21/01/2019 08:28

Before DS was born I wanted four children!

I also have a sibling that I’m not at all close to. But then DH has two siblings that he has a really lovely relationship with (as do I now) - it’s hard!

OP posts:

PourFemme · 21/01/2019 08:32

We always wanted two, but after DC1 was born I wasn’t so sure about a second for similar reasons to you. I found pregnancy hard, had a traumatic birth and DS was a dreadful sleeper. I also found the baby & toddler stage really boring, if I’m being honest.

I changed my mind when DS was around 3 yrs old. I think it chimed in with him sleeping better, going to nursery...and I suddenly realised the early years go so quickly and I’d regret it if I didnt have the family we’d planned.

I lucked out with DD, as although that pregnancy was hideous, the birth was fine and she was a very happy, contented baby and a great sleeper. It all felt much easier second time around.

So much so that I desperately wanted a third! . But DH didn’t feel the same way, so we stopped at 2.

Elfinablender · 21/01/2019 08:32

I just kept going till one more seemed too hard. Three for me.

Seline · 21/01/2019 08:34

I'm an only child and I bloody hate it. When my parents die it'll be only me who has go shoulder than alone and I'll have no one who shared my childhood memories or to remember my parents with. And I was always lonely.

It's actually what cemented my decision to have another despite an awful first pregnancy. I do know some who love being an only so there's no guarantee which your child would like.

Seline · 21/01/2019 08:34

To shoulder that, damn sleep deprivation.

swimmerforlife · 21/01/2019 08:41

I am an only child, DH has two siblings who he is very close to. We always planned to have three children.

But after 4 miscarriages (one prior to DS1, and three between DS2), two extremely complicated second pregnancies due to my epilepsy as I had seizures.

As soon as DS2 was born, I swore to god I could not suffer through either the pain of miscarriage or seizures ever again.

I know DH would have liked another but he always said my health should come first, and tbh we are so grateful that we got DS2.

BrieAndOatcakes · 21/01/2019 08:42

I wanted 4 in theory. Have 2 now and not having anymore. If I had more support day to day (and was rich enough to have a cleaner etc) I'd reconsider but tbh I love my kids but find the drudge-y tasks so boring, and the early years so exhausting, that I just can't face it again, even if I am a bit envious of those with 3 or 4. Then there are the environmental impacts to consider, and the risk of having a 3rd with additional needs which would impact on my existing children. I'd rather have the "what if" feeling about a big family than have a 3rd I regret, IYSWIM.

Dowser · 21/01/2019 09:25

I’m an only child Selene and feel like I missed out and I get the when your parents die thing
Dad died first andwe all surrounded my mum.
I had three children
When mum died, two years ago there were my children, their partners and grandchildren
It’s really ok.
We are a close family And I never had to shoulder anything alone

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 21/01/2019 09:39

I just didn't get broody or the desire to have anymore after my first.

EmpressJewel · 21/01/2019 09:41

I always wanted two, we have 2 and feel our family is complete. Me and OH find it stressful working full time and juggling family life. For some people, that desire for more children can outweigh the stresses. But not for us.

In saying that, if we had the time, money and space, then maybe we could have had a third.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 21/01/2019 09:48

I used to feel pressured though when dd was little or that there was something wrong with me, as. Friends who had had children all used to say things like. "Oh I'd definitely have another one". "I want a football team", ect ect. This is when their kids were tiny, BTW and waking up the night. I felt like the only unbroody 'happy with the one child' mother on the planet
However as you get older and wiser. You realise every penny doesn't fit every slot.
Don't get me wrong if I got caught I'd have the baby and itd be adored, but its not part of my plan. However fate might have other plans. Mind you I'm 43 so The chances are pretty slim

ChodeofChodeHall · 21/01/2019 09:51

Life decided for me! I did not meet a suitable man until 29, had DS at 34 and tried for years to have another. I'm too old now. I feel lucky to have my one boy.

Onglue · 21/01/2019 10:02

We weren't sure how many we wanted, but I knew I wanted at least 2. We have 2 and definitely don't want any more!

User758172 · 21/01/2019 10:09

Always wanted three, had three. Our family does feel complete now. I couldn’t go through another pregnancy though, my last was utterly debilitating. Even if we won the lottery, much as I’d love the idea of another one I couldn’t do it again!

Parthenope · 21/01/2019 10:12

I had DS more or less to see what having a child was like, and while he is wonderful, it never occurred to me to do it again.

SauvignonMum · 21/01/2019 10:20

Both of my sisters swore they were done when their firsts were babies. They were so convinced of it and very convincing too.
Both of them went on to have a second (by choice) although one did get her tubes tied during the CS.

So I usually just take it with a pinch of salt now,(sorry OP)! - a bit like my friends who, during their 20s and early 30s said they never wanted or would have children and they all have at least one now.

We always knew we wanted 2 or 3, although I couldn't even entertain the idea of it until each child was at least 2 years old.

We have 3

OutPinked · 21/01/2019 10:22

Always wanted four so have had four, definitely never having another.

Flamingosnbears · 21/01/2019 10:22

I had a bad experience our first time round however that didn't stop me from wanting more 7 months after my son we were blessed to be having a little girl and now nearly 3 years later were blessed again. Early days are hard getting into routine, recovering but you do get passed it it's all worth it in the end were very fortunate as they are inseparable they adore each other and the are excited to be having another sibling.

m0therofdragons · 21/01/2019 10:25

We planned 2 dc but dc2 was twins so we have 3 and I actually think it's a good number. One can always go off and have alone time without leaving another alone looking for a play mate.

We travel - France, Italy, Calgary, 7 States in USA including New York and Chicago and we're planning Vancouver to Calgary with a drive through the Rockies in August this year.

Private education for 3 is a no go so that was a tough decision but we're happy with state schools so far and if that changes then I'd consider moving dd1 in year 9 so it wouldn't be impossible to do that for all 3.

With 3 I get a Saturday lie in as they entertain themselves. Single dc if friends don't seem to do that as they don't want to go downstairs on their own (which is fair).

Dd1 was 2.5 when we even considered a second. She was not an easy baby.

nomad5 · 21/01/2019 10:28

I always wanted 2, DH wanted more. DC1 was a very easy baby, DC2 was the opposite and eventually was diagnosed with ASD. I don't have the emotional capacity to be a good mother to any more children. Let alone the financial burden! Love my kids to bits but I am barely keeping my head above water with two!! I still feel broody sometimes but that's just hormonal and not based on any sense. If I fell pregnant again my immediate emotion would be terror.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread