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Original poster

How did you decide how many children to have?

45 replies

GinGeum · 21/01/2019 08:11

DS is only 13 days old so I appreciate I’m still in the fog of recovery/sleepless nights and will probably forget it all in 6 weeks time, but I can’t help feeling like I’m ‘done’ already...

I always wanted lots of children, but I found pregnancy really hard. I basically felt as though my life was on hold for nine months because I was either throwing up constantly, absolutely exhausted or unable to walk more than 50 yards without being in pain. It was fine because I was able to press pause on everything, but I hate the idea of DS having a crap nine months with a Mum unable to do anything with him if I were to get pregnant again. The birth was also a lot more worrying than expected and DH really struggled to see me so poorly (sepsis).

We were also discussing the fact that if we just stuck with DS, we’d probably be more adventurous with travelling and would be able to afford a private education for just one child. We live on a farm so he would at least always have furry companions!

I realise we are too soon into it all to make a decision yet anyway, but it just got me wondering how everyone else knew when to stop.

OP posts:

RiverTam · 21/01/2019 10:29

well, after 2 miscarriages and hospitalisations (on top of the 5 before having DD) we decided one was all we were having. So no point in regretting it, and we're making it work and DD is a happy little soul with good friends.

Yes, she may have to shoulder stuff alone when she's older but I hope that she has good friends and family to support her, so she won't actually be alone.

And we have a lot of freedom and flexibility that friends with more DC don't have. It's just swings and roundabouts.

CuppaSarah · 21/01/2019 10:29

I always wanted 3, DH was the same. We had 2, decided to see how we went for a few years as the second birth had complications that could have been repeated. We went for it when our second child was 2 and no regrets. But we'll be taking permanent precautions now.

elQuintoConyo · 21/01/2019 10:32

We had a child for the shits and giggles, thought if it was ok we'd have another. Horrendous birth, both nearly died, colicky baby until 5mo. No way we wanted to do it again. DS is now 7 and a very happy little boy, lots of friends etc.

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Lookingforadvice123 · 21/01/2019 10:32

You are very early in to motherhood so there's a good chance you'll change your mind if you wanted more before he was born. They're not babies for long.

But, some people are done at one! When I was younger I always thought I'd want 3. Since being older/more sensible I think 2 is a better age, but I can tell you when DS was a newborn I wasn't convinced and thought I would stop at one!

I'm now pregnant with DS2 due in a couple of weeks and am not ruling out a third, although I can't judge yet as the baby's not here.

You're right to have concerns though, my pregnancy has been ok since 18-20 weeks but I was horribly sick until then and it was very hard with DS too. It's also hard now as I can't chase him round softplay, pick him up much etc. See how you go

NorthEndGal · 21/01/2019 10:32

We stopped at 2 (dd and ds) as we knew we couldn't afford more, and I am hyper fertile, so we had to take steps to make sure that would be it.
We were married with 2 kids by 21, so the dr was willing to give him the snip at 22.

eddiemairswife · 21/01/2019 10:33

I decided during labour with my 4th that I was too tired to have her; I had gone to bed early as I was tired, and only got an hour of sleep before I woke with backache.

Lookingforadvice123 · 21/01/2019 10:33

Better age? Better number (of children). I think I get stupider with each child so that's a reason to stop at one too!

Itstimetoscream · 21/01/2019 10:36

I always wanted two, but number three was a surprise and I wouldn't change it now.

christmasrobin · 21/01/2019 10:41

I love the idea of 4 (currently have 2), but it's so expensive and dh and I are just in basic paying jobs so I don't actually think we could afford it. It's once they get older that they tend to cost more money, I think the baby and toddler stage I could get through fairly easily because to be fair they don't actually need much as such and there's always second hand.
I think we might have 3.

I also think it's frowned upon to have a large family these days. My cousin is pregnant with number 4 and they have plenty of money, large enough house for a bedroom each etc, and my auntie (her MIL) can't stop moaning about her having so many kids (even though she's one of 7 herself! Though my auntie did only have 2).

Titsywoo · 21/01/2019 10:44

My first pregnancy wasn't planned but (after a few months as everyone says never again at the start!) I did know I'd want to have a sibling for her but after DS was born I felt content that I was done.

Graffitiqueen · 21/01/2019 10:53

Before we had kids DH and I discussed that we would have three.

After DS was born we had such an awful time that we nearly stopped at one. However we didn't want DS to be an only child and we knew they wouldn't be babies for long and it would get easier so we had DD..

Number three didn't happen. I couldn't contemplate going through the baby stage again as it nearly wrecked our marriage. i sometimes feel a bit broody about a third though.

Essexgirlupnorth · 21/01/2019 11:17

Planned on having two but didn't actually want a second till my first was two and a half. Found the early days really hard and my was grieving for my mum who died of cancer.
We had been trying two years before I got pregnant then I had a missed miscarriage a couple of weeks ago.
I think we may try again but my daughter might be our one and only not through choice. Wish we had started trying earlier but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Normandy144 · 21/01/2019 11:29

Always knew i wanted more than 1. I am one of 2 and always yearned for a larger family of 3. I have 2 now and it's only now i realise why mum said there was no chance of 3. I think if i had started in my early 30s i would have had 3 (although DH says 2 is plenty!), but for me yes i am done. I like having two and seeing them interact (apart from when tbey fight)!

littlemisscynical · 21/01/2019 11:51

A few weeks after I had DS I was talking about how I'd love another. It must have been hormonal. Fast forward on a few more months and I don't think I could face it all again.

No broodiness at all. I used to love meeting and holding newborns. Now I have no interest at all. It's so strange.

However DS is only 10 months. I'm hoping I change my mind and that I feel 'ready' again at some stage.

DH would love another with a small age gap. I wouldn't cope very well with a small age gap.

I love DS so much and I enjoy watching him develop. But I am also looking forward to going back to work and being me again.

Elfinablender · 21/01/2019 11:53

If judgement is something you are concerned about Christmas it's only fail to let you know that having a third child is a tipping point for general eco-frothing.

I was walking down the road when I was pregnant with ds3 and holding hands with ds1 and ds2 as a drunk homeless guy staggered towards us and as I made my quick judgement and shuffled my kids between myself wall in case he was trouble he stuck out his finger at us and ranted, "this, this here, is why the world is dying, too many fucking kids", and staggered off. 😁

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 21/01/2019 12:13

I have 4. I don't think I'd be done at 40 to be honest. I love being a Mum.
I had 4 horrendous pregnancies and I don't think it would be fair on the others, particularly my eldest to do it again. We plan to adopt when our youngest is 5 so I'm not done with children, just pregnancy!

Cbatothinkofaname · 21/01/2019 13:07

Weirdly I always wanted 1 or 3, not two which seemed to be the ‘norm.’

We were tempted to stop at 1 because she was a dream, very easygoing, I was back at work when she was 3 months (this was a while back) and she’d settle in a travel cot anywhere so if we were seeing friends in the evening she’d come too. Life carried on pretty much as it had, the only difference was we had a baby!

We decided to take the plunge a few years later and then had 2 more. Of course this was much more of an upheaval going from a family of 3 to a family of 5; childcare bills through the roof, less spontaneity with going out etc. Wouldn’t change it though- 3 is a magic number

BitOutOfPractice · 21/01/2019 13:10

I always imagined I'd have two. Two girls in fact. I think that's because I was one of two girls. And my sister had two girls. And well, it just seemed what happened! And strangely, that is what happened, I have two girls.

gentlyscented · 21/01/2019 13:24

I've always wanted 6. 5th pregnancy was a killer for me and the labour was horrendously Quick and excruciating 😖 ( I still wince thinking about it) dh wants one more (the 3 eldest are mine from my first marriage and are teenagers. Then there's two under 5 from my husband) but I'm not so sure my body could get through another pregnancy. Suffered with spd and sciatica and it was hell on earth! Then there's the newborn stage/weaning/sleep regression/nappy changing/the dreaded baby bag 🙈 my youngest is 2 and hard bloody work and I sometimes think "can we do this again" but then There's times when I really want another. I thought I felt like I was done with my last, even talked about having my tubes tied once and for all. So I guess I'm not 100% certain if I am done 😳😬

fadingfast · 21/01/2019 13:53

I am one of two and always hoped to have two. Got pregnant very easily with DS, had a few complications during pregnancy and had to have him 3 weeks early due to the complications. I found the transition to motherhood quite challenging and he was not a particularly 'easy' baby, but I was still keen for another. DD arrived 3.5 years later after a horrible pregnancy and I've never felt the desire for any more. I'm glad they have each other and the moments between the bickering are a joy, but I wouldn't describe them as close. DH is one of four but is not close to any of them and ended up caring for his elderly mother single handed, so I don't think sharing the burden of elderly parents is something that should be assumed.

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