Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Grief is ruining my marriage

28 replies

Binpedal · 21/01/2019 08:01

I used to be a bit smug about my marriage. It's always been great and I just couldn't understand the concept of having to work hard at it.
But since my MIL died last year well I'm struggling with my feelings for DH. We were both close to her and obviously more so my DH. Although I'm grieving too, I totally understand that it's his mum and it will be so much harder for him. I want to support him and I have tried but I just feel flat and the spark between us has gone.
I never want to make love anymore and we argue a lot more.
Is this common, for grief to affect marriage like this? Will we get our spark back because it's breaking my heart Sad
Perhaps you can share your experience if you've been through similar.

OP posts:
HolgerLowCarbingLoser · 21/01/2019 08:16

We had similar when my OH was dealing with the raw grief in the months after a bereavement and yes, absolutely, it almost broke us too.

We also had/have a very good, strong, lovely relationship, and for the first time ever we had to work through a crisis in our relationship. For quite a while I felt like we really didn’t like each other very much. The spark was gone, the closeness was gone, everything had shifted.

We found our way out of it. I’m not sure it will ever be exactly what is was, but I feel it’s ‘us’ again.

Flowers
Original poster
Binpedal · 21/01/2019 09:18

But that makes me so sad that you say it won't be what it was. I can't bear the thought of us never being what we wereSad

OP posts:
yumscrumfatbum · 21/01/2019 09:24

I think the changes you describe in your relationship are quite common when you are grieving. My DH lost his parents quite close together and struggled for a couple of years. Our relationship did suffer but it recovered. Keep communicating and give each other the space to grieve. This probably isn't a good time to evaluate your relationship give it a bit more time x

silkpyjamasallday · 21/01/2019 09:24

My DP lost his mum very suddenly when I was six months pregnant with DD. We had been through a lot in our relationship already, and I considered us very strong, but losing his mother and having a baby in such a sort space of time really changed him. It has been an incredibly difficult two years, and we have been at breaking point so many times, it's only now that we are starting to get back to where we were. And like a pp said, it is different, but that will happen with time regardless, no relationship stays the same over 10/20/30+ years.

Original poster
Binpedal · 21/01/2019 09:28

So your marriage is never as good? If we can't be as happy together, I'm not sure I want to be stuck in a mediocre marriage for the rest of my days.

OP posts:
ADarkandStormyKnight · 21/01/2019 09:37

There is probably more going on than the bereavement itself. Maybe something about moving into the position of your parents generation (with the potential extra responsibility that brings for stewarding family assets, thinking about your changing needs as you get older). Both my parents are dead and is taking a lot of adjustment.

Give each other time.

MrsGrindah · 21/01/2019 09:40

OP it’s not that it’s not as good, but a bereavement changes you. My world has fallen apart since losing my parents and that’s bound to impact a marriage.But talking, kindness and time have made a huge difference. Don’t put pressure on yourselves...things do get easier to deal with.

maras2 · 21/01/2019 11:35

My dad died when I was 20 and had been with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years.
I was devastated and found it so difficult to take any comfort from him but he persevered being supportive, even though I was a nightmare to be around and made enquiries into grief counselling which was in it's infancy(1970).
After much persuasion I had 3 sessions alone and 2 with him.
I cant say that the results were immediate but with their help and the continued support of the boyfriend, we did get our relationship back on track and have been happily married for 44 years.
Give counselling a go.I still miss my dad though Sad. Best wishes.Mx. Flowers

Original poster
Binpedal · 21/01/2019 11:45

I am sorry for your losses and thanks for replying.
Perhaps counseling is a good idea

OP posts:
CreakyBlinder · 21/01/2019 11:45

But...did you really think it was going to be every day perfection until you both died in your sleep holding hands, aged 100?

Life isn't like that. You married someone literally for better or worse. I think it's a bit selfish and unfair of you to be reconsidering the worth of your relationship because one of you is grieving. If you were the bereaved one, would your husband go 'you know, this real life grief thing isn't really me, I'm off'.

Hopefully not. I think this is one of those bits of a marriage where you grit your teeth, dig in, and move forward with the intention of your marriage evolving through it.

Babdoc · 21/01/2019 11:53

This is why the marriage vows include “for better, for worse”.
It’s dead easy to have a happy marriage when everything’s going fine and there are no issues, crises or emotional upsets.
But a true test of a good marriage is how well you support each other through the tough times.
This bereavement will either bring you together in increased maturity, compassion and love, or it will expose the cracks in a shallow relationship built on mere attraction.
You need to communicate with each other, care about each other, and if necessary seek couples counselling, in order to get through this. Good luck, OP.

Original poster
Binpedal · 21/01/2019 11:55

Well perhaps yes I've been a bit naive and/or selfish. I'm not perfect.
I feel I was very supportive when MIL was dying and the immediate aftermath. But as the months roll on I get more and more down.

OP posts:
bearhug · 21/01/2019 11:59

It honestly took my DH a full 2 years to go back to somewhere near 'normal' after the death of his father. These years were hard! We had to tolerate quite a lot of what would normally be unreasonable behaviour. Stick with it though and be gentle with each other. It will pass.

jessstan2 · 21/01/2019 12:00

What you are experiencing is very, very common, Binpedal. It has been a sad time for you both and while take a while to accommodate.

You can get through and may find that eventually you are an even tighter unit than you were before. I do hope so.

Flowers
pointythings · 21/01/2019 12:08

Bereavement killed my marriage. After losing both his parents in the space of 3 years my H turned to alcohol and never came back. DDs and I coped with so much from him over 7 years. He had bereavement counselling, we were supportive and it wasn't enough. I had to walk away in the end. He died before the divorce came through. Sadly ther are no guarantees that for worse will not just get worse and worse and worse.

Tonightstheteriyakichicken · 21/01/2019 12:13

This has been a major blow, I do think it can take months to regain balance.
You love DH and want him to feel better. You want DH to be his old self again.
You probably feel like you're the one doing all the supporting.
Maybe you can't share when you have a bad day because how does that compare with him losing his mother.
You might feel guilty about missing fun.
Do you find yourself getting impatient with him?
It's not surprising intimacy dwindles.

Original poster
Binpedal · 21/01/2019 12:23

Sorry pointythings that must have been so hard for you Sad
To the last OP yes I feel all of those things at times.

OP posts:
hunibuni · 21/01/2019 12:32

DH's brother died 10 years ago and we had a terrible time for a couple of years after. (DH was a carer for his DB from a very young age) We came close to splitting because he wouldn't address his depression. He finally agreed to go for grief counselling after I walked out at 4am in the middle of winter after a massive row, which shocked him because he was always the one that went for a walk to calm down.

We both went for grief counselling (separately as I had also cared for BIL and was also struggling) and it saved our marriage. There have been huge upheavals in the years since and we have been able to get through them because of what we learned, although we still have the odd bad patch, usually around the anniversary, but we both recognise what the cause is.

LBOCS2 · 21/01/2019 14:43

Grief is very hard on a relationship. We had a three year period in which we both lost a parent and a grandparent each and had a number of miscarriages. It didn't almost break us but it was a horrible time. There was no joy in us, or our relationship, and the experience has changed us as people, without a doubt - especially compared to our friends who haven't gone through that sort of thing; I became the eldest female member of my direct family at 29 so we were quite young. It still affects us - I struggle in the last quarter of the year; he feels very low in Jan.

But we have ended up closer as a result. I am so grateful to him for supporting me through my grief, and I have no doubt that our relationship will get through difficult periods in the future, as we've already been through an unbelievably hard few years - not even months. It does get better, but grieving is a process, it doesn't just switch off, and sometimes it's worse than others.

MissSmiley · 21/01/2019 21:37

We had counselling after I lost my dad suddenly ten years ago, together and then me alone, it brought to the surface lots of problems in our relationship, ultimately after my best friend was diagnosed with a terminal illness a few years ago I decided that life is too short to be unhappy and we are getting divorced. I have never been happier in my whole life and that's even before the whole thing is finalised

PepperSteaks · 21/01/2019 22:23

Not a bereavement but we found out MIL was having an affair. It was like a bomb went off in our life. DH is so miserable now, especially around family centred things such as Christmas which is horribly unfair to DD (aged 2). It’s put a huge strain on our relationship but I’m too proud to let that woman ruin my relationship as well as her own.

TryingToDrinkMoreWater · 22/01/2019 06:28

I'm so sorry that this has been so tough for you both. It can be so hard to see someone you love seem to change so much.
I can see that you are upset at things never being the same, and while this is true, things will not always stay as they are either.
Have you looked up the stages of grief? People pass through them at different rates, and there is not a lot that the person who is grieving can do about it. When it happened to me, after about 18 months, I went back to the person that I always was except for a few small changes, such as a feeling of greater responsibility for my surviving parent. It will get better than it is now.
The only good thing to come from my father's death was that it gave my then boyfriend (now husband) the chance to step up and show me that he would be there for me however I felt or whatever I needed. I'm sure that it wasn't much fun for him at times.
In the short term, do you have anyone else who can offer you support? At the moment, it might be as much as he can do to get through the day. It would be such a shame for you to throw away a great marriage because of a temporarily extinguished spark.

xJune88 · 22/01/2019 06:32

Me and my husband have been together 8 years. I lost my dad last year and it nearly broke us as I couldn't control my emotions and kept them bottled up and my dad was a dad to dp too so it hit him alot. It's definitely made us stronger and we are more in love than ever. I couldn't of got through the loss of my dad if it wasn't for him x

Original poster
Binpedal · 22/01/2019 06:54

The truth is that I feel so broken and depressed sometimes that I'm not being there for DH as I should be. I have young children to care for too and no family of my own nearby. His family are leaning on him heavily. I actually don't think I can cope anymore.
I feel angry and resentful that there has been so much focus on his family's needs while I slowly crack up. Yes I know this is selfish of me and perhaps depression making me self absorbed.
I will try to hang in there but honestly some days I just want to walk out the door and never come back Sad

OP posts:
PeridotCricket · 22/01/2019 07:14

You need support too. You can’t manage it all on your own. I’d suggest talking to your gp. Can you have a plan to take the kids and visit your family or a supportive friend. Would all getting away be good or you on your own. Thinking of something for yourself. That’s not selfish i5 makes you stronger to cope.

Life is shit sometimes...

Swipe left for the next trending thread