Mums of one.. tell me how you feel

[iamstrong1]

I have a 6yo who is my world. Dh wants another. I don't think I do.. I feel I should but I'm not sure that I do. But I worry I will regret this decision as I get older

But I love the idea of everything we can do with the freedom we now and the closeness we have

I don't want to spoil that but I'm scared of making the wrong decision

Dc has loads of friends and socialising and I make sure isn't lonely but...

Please tell me how it's worked out for you. Do you love it or do you wish you had made a different decision?

Another different POV, DD was an only child until she was 8. I thought she would be an only forever (I split with her dad when she was young) until I remarried and DH wanted kids.

It has been difficult, DD and I had such a close bond but imo has been fractured since DS1&2 arrived and DD struggles having much younger siblings.

It is tricky with the age gap, DD had to be dragged along to the park when DH was working, whilst I couldn't take the boys to the cinema if she wanted to go etc and I know DD resents having to 'share' me after it being just us two for so long.

It has also been tough going for me, going through the baby / toddler years again, combined with a pre teen / teenager. I love my sons to the moon and back, but life was much simpler with just DD.

Maybe your question should be ' give me your experiences of a 7 year age gap' as that's quite relevant and may help your decision?

It’s a personal decision, what’s right for one person won’t be for someone else because we all have different wants and needs.

We have one 6yr old. We said we probably wanted the one child and that hasn’t changed, so we are lucky in the fact that we both feel the same way about it.
We are happy and we feel “complete”. I think that’s the thing, whether you feel complete as a family unit. We got a dog actually, a couple of years ago. I treat her like a second child

My 6yr old is happy, well balanced, sociable, easy to parent. Doesn’t mention a desire for siblings.

Her birth was traumatic and I am nearly 43 too so I also feel too old for more.

It’s right for us. We are content and we feel very lucky to have her.

Agree with others, it’s a very personal decision. There’s a 6.5 year gap between my sister and I (I am the younger one). Wasn’t planned that way but it took a while to conceive me as I understand it.

I’ve no idea whether it was stressful when we were young for my parents, I only got the impression that they were really happy to have us both and family life was very happy!

As adults we are very very close. The age gap matters not a jot when you’re grown up.

Also sorry to add this into the mix, not saying this should be a decider for you but when my mum was ill, then died, and then my dad died suddenly, having my sister was just incredible and I don’t think any other person would have “got it” in quite the same way. We had had the same upbringing and pretty much the same relationship with them and it made it so much easier to have someone to share all that with (not to mention the headache of dealing with probate, house clearing, dealing with the estate etc). Sorry to bring death into it.

Worth saying I know not everyone gets on well with their siblings.

Myself and DH only have one so far. We had always both said we’d want too but I think he is reluctant to go through the baby years again, and yes I do see how life with one is easier.

From my POV it’s not so much that I want another baby / to do the childhood bit again (I do) more prominent is the feeling that when my DD is an adult I’d like her to have a sibling.

In a way I can imagine us in 10 years still only having one, but in 20 years I can’t imagine it. Probably a weird way round to think of it!

Go with your gut OP I think. (Or let nature take its course....)

*two not too

I have one DS and a DSS - so in a way, I have both the pleasure and the privilege of having an only child but also having an older sibling - they're 7 years apart. My DH was absolutely done at having two and had the snip when my DS was a year old, so even if I wanted another (I don't) i wasn't going to force my DH to go through the motions of having a second with me. I had a horrendous pregnancy and had PND after the birth, and although in an ideal world if I was a cool, calm Mum id have loved to have a second, I know my limitations.

DS is growing up to be a fine young boy, who is loving and shares and is polite. I have no issues with him not having a full time sibling around.

I was one of two and me and my brother are close. We weren't growing up on the flip side, my DH is the eldest of 3 and barely talks to his siblings.

I’m in exactly the same position as you, OP. Just one. Love having one. Do wonder if I’m ‘supposed’ to have another no real desire to do so.

Watching this thread with interest.
I am one of two myself and was quite close to my brother (5 year age gap) growing up but as adults not as much.
I have a DD who is 10 months old and it might seem very premature of me to absolutely sure I do not want another one but I feel like parenting one is my limit.
I had a horrible pregnancy with hyperemesis, sciatica, SPD pain which persists until today and my mind and body just doesn't feel great. My DD has always been a bad sleeper until today she has only slept 2.5 hours max in a row.
She was 10 pounds at birth and carrying a very heavy baby around for 10 months has effed my back. I basically just cannot go through all this again.
I might get my tubes tied very soon infact. Typing all this down made me realise I probably have mild PND
I feel sad that my DD will never have any sibling but I will try and compensate for that in every way possible.

It is a very personal decision though and I would advise you to think it throughly.

I have a 7yo and am pregnant with baby number 2.

I am 1 of 3, close in age and none of us speak to one another.

Other people's opinions are completely irrelevant. I'm certainly not considering overturning my decision to have one child because some adult only children feel lonely when their parents die, or because of the tiresome stereotypes trotted out by total strangers about how I 'have to give DS a sibling'. I don't actually.

I'm happy with one. I'm not going to have another child in case I regret not doing so in the future, or in case my very contented DS decides he's been hard done by as an adult, or because some random stranger thinks only children are spoilt little emperors. To mention only some of the nonsense that's been spouted down the years.

We have 1 DS who will be 4 this week. DH is the eldest of 3 boys and I'm an only child. Neither of us wanted more than 1. Sometimes I think it would be nice for him to have a sibling but financially it would be too much and we can afford to do thing with DS. He also has a lot of attention and we do feel like a little complete unit.

My dd is 3 and ds 2 weeks old
I'd always wanted a big family but realistically 2 children is enough for us.

Both myself and dp have 1 sibling each and appreciate them too

It's a personal decision tho - somedays dd is very upset about ds coming along other days she loves him!!

I was a mum of one for 8 years. For 7 of those years I was yearning for a sibling for DS. I absolutely adore the bones of him, but I always wanted two DC. DD came along when he was 8, he absolutely adores her and did right from the start. She worships him and always has. DS is at Uni now so DD is (part time) an only, she says she misses him lots and doesn't like all the attention on her all the time.

They get on like a house on fire and DS often takes DD out in the holidays, they go on adventures together and are really close.

I think I have been really lucky.

But OP I always always always wanted a second child, I feel this is very different for you.

We have one DD who is almost 3. We have been trying for a second for over two years and no luck so far. I always said I wanted 3 or 4 children but if I'm perfectly honest, the further away we are getting from the baby stage...the less appealing returning to it is feeling. But I'm not sure whether that's my sub conscious making me feel better for not getting pregnant...

I agree with a pp that for me it's more about my dd having a sibling(s) than me having another child. I have one brother myself and we have always been very close so I know that influences me in hoping my own children have a similar experience - but obvs that's not a given is it?

I have only one DD, who has just turned 9. She is and will be an only for a lot of reasons, both personal and practical.

As many say, it's a personal choice but, for us, it's not worth straining our resources and damaging what is a great dynamic.

DD's best friend, who is the younger of two, comes from a family did the opposite, and, honestly, there are marked advantages that our DD has to her friend. Both best friend and her sister have and are missing opportunities because their parents are overstretched with two but 'couldn't contemplate' an only child.

DD is not spoiled, and best friend isn't deprived, but....Time, money, attention, space, parental stress, sibling issues, they're all a factor.

Yes, I worry about the far future and whether she'll be lonely, - to answer a question I get asked a LOT - but we could have another and then that could easily happen anyway. I know lots of siblings who don't have anything to do with one another; it's no guarantee of anything.

I have 1 DS who is now 24. We are very close and get on really well. I am very proud of him, he's a lovely person and I love him more than I can say.

I don't regret my decision, I was the youngest of a large family and whilst I love my siblings I did find it a bit a stressful as I like a lot of time to myself.

I was able to balance my career with motherhood much more easily with one child. At one point I would have liked another child but due to not being happy with my (now) ex-h, bringing another child into the mix would have been a mistake.

I have one DC, a 16 year old DD. She has always been happy being an only child. She is a lovely person, kind, great fun, sociable and very close to me and DH. The 3 of us have a lovely life together.

I only ever wanted one. I’m and only and I love it. I don’t particularly like children
After 3 years of infertility and loss we had DS who we adore. Never going through that again.
We have a lovely life.
The cons of having an only are:
make sure you plan lots of play dates and book holidays with kids clubs and lots of other children around.
They may struggle with conflict, I do. Siblings teach you to fight and if you don’t have them and have a normal fall out with a friend it feels like the end of the world. I still struggle with confrontation.
I haven’t quite reached this stage but I think looking after my parents in their later years may be hard, however DH has a sister who isn’t around and would be no help so we’ll be looking after MIL too despite him having a sibling.
The pros are:
Having a very happy close family with no conflict
Lots of time, attention and money to spend on your child
Having to have lots of play dates and holidays with kids clubs

We have one DD, almost 2, and I'm struggling with this decision at the moment. Initially we decided to go for a second, but it was really only to give a sibling and after a few losses last year I'm just not sure I want to go through it again. Especially as all my pregnancies have been really horrible. I feel like we have a complete unit, but DH would still love a second.

So, reading along with interest...

I'm a single parent of DS9 and couldn't be happier.

We have an eight year old DS and I have never regretted only having one. I think really you can only base your decision on the way you feel now, with your own personal situation and circumstances now and not worry about regret in the future. None of us know what’s round the corner for us. That probably doesn’t help you one bit does it? 😂
Due to fertility issues and my age I knew for sure I would only have one-we got rid of all the baby stuff almost as soon as my son grew out of it. So that almost made my decision easier. The pressure society puts on women to have more than one child is huge in my opinion. My DH was never asked when/if he was having more children. I was asked almost on a daily basis from when my DS was a few days old!
I love having one child-we get to spend so much quality time with him, supporting him with homework, any school activities, extra curricular activities, time with friends, and our house is lovely and calm-a real sanctuary. In short we can really immerse ourselves in the pleasure of children but it doesn’t completely take over our lives or time.

Thanks for all your replies. I have drawn up a list of pros and cons to show dh! so far I have:-
Cons
Big age gap and unlikely to play together
May end up bickering and dc1 may resent losing all the attention
We are old to be ttc again and could risk health issues with me/ baby
Higher likelihood of miscarriages
Higher likelihood of twins
May not happen at all ( at the moment I can live in blissful ignorance that if I wanted to I could, but if we try and can't that would be upsetting)
Less money
Less headspace ( now we can tag team parenting to give each other a break)
No family support nearby so we are on our own
Will have to ferry two kids of different ages to different activities and split up ( one with one and one with other)) whereas at the moment can enjoy nice family days out together and be spontaneous
More years of school runs and soft play
Will not be able to give same attention to dc1 as before ( will be harder as gets older and needs more help with homework etc
Will have to move house or extend
Will have to support elderly parents in the next ten years which will be hard with 2
Worried that will lose close relationship with dc1 ( but see pro below)

Pros
We may be too focussed on dc1 which might not be good. Another child might lessen that.
Dc1 would make a good elder sibling and it could be great and they get on regardless of age
Dc1 will have someone when we are gone ( although hopefully we will live to be old and grey and dc1 will be married or in a happy relationship or have friends)
Dc2 could be as amazing as dc1 and we could fall totally in love all over again... this is really the main thing that's making me wobble!
I wouldn't have to think about this all the time or worry about regretting the decision in years to come or dh resenting me

I have tried to look longer term in the list as I think the first few years of going back to sleepless nights and nappies will be hellish anyway
I am not a baby person and did not really enjoy mat leave
My view is coloured by my own childhood which was great and I am an only child and v close to parents ..so I have not included any of the only lonely crap which is normally listed as a con. Both my parents are fortunately still alive .. I might feel differently when they are gone I suppose

Off to show this to dh..

Not managed to talk to dh yet as we've both been working late but I've decided that I am sad about not having another but that doesn't mean it's the wrong choice does it?

Of course not, iam. It's perfectly normal to feel sad about roads not taken throughout life, even if there's a perfectly good reason why you chose the other path -- we all look over our shoulders and think 'What if...?' from time time. Every decision we make closes off certain possibilities, even while it opens others. I suppose I just don't see 'I'd be better do [Major Life Decision X] even though I don't really want to now, just in case I regret not doing it in ten or twenty years' as a good reason to do something big and irrevocable.

I don't think you can assume the kids will get on and your child will have someone when you're gone, that often doesn't happen and usually the someone they have is their own spouse and kids as well as their friends.

I've only one, she's 21, I never considered a second and I'm very glad I didn't watching some of thr juggling friends go through. We are a very close unit and we had the money and flexibility to still do as we wished. It was the right decision.

My daughter is perfectly happy being an only, she also likes the closeness and she has always had friends, it would have been unlikely her sibling would have been instead of that.