Am I being OTT? Concerning paedophilia.

[AmIOTTconcerned]

To put it simply, I won't allow my DC to be babysat by my brothers, DP's grandad, any male basically (not that anyone has offered! It's just from conversations with my DP, he knows my feelings and thinks I have an issue). Now I am prepared to be told that I am OTT so please can I just add that my father was a paedophile (now deceased). He abused my stepsister. This obviously contributes towards my lack of trust. I just want to protect my DC.

If I have an issue please talk to me. Make me see why. Thank you.

Sorry I mean DC's grandad (Dp's dad)!

Although I think you are overreacting, given your family history it is completely understandable that you feel the way you do.

However; woman can abuse children too.

How do you feel about your dh being alone with their father?

Personally I would seek counselling to help you deal with the issues your father has caused and to enable you children to have safe, consensual relationships with the men in their lives. Otherwise I am concerned you are causing problems for yourself and them later in life.

Are any of your dc male?

How old are your dc? I think you are being ott but the background suggests that is understandable, have you thought about therapy? Otherwise you will find life very hard if you consider any male who your dc come across a potential paedophile and restrict your dc activities as a result.

Thank you for your response minisoksmakehardwork. My DC are girls. And currently of toddler age.

Yes I do leave my DC with their dad. Although not often. And I have to admit I have even had intrusive thoughts regarding him abusing our children. He would be devastated to know this. I can't help it. But I tell myself I am being silly.

Maybe counselling is a good idea. I just fear it will make it worse.

Yes you are right LIZS. I didn't really think about that. And now you've mentioned it even when I was looking at schools I noted how many teachers were male. This didn't alter my decision when submitting my preschoolers application of course but yes I guess even that fleeting thought is concerning.

You are absolutely being ott and frankly, out of order. You do have understandable reasons for feeling the way you do but it is your responsibility to work through those because the behaviour you exhibit as a result is not acceptable. To not trust every man because of this is not fair on them, or your dc. And the thoughts you have had about your dp are going to ruin your relationship if you aren't careful.

This may seem harsh. But a person who has been abused as a child then perpetuates the cycle by abusing children in turn is not given a pass. As the adult you need to deal with your issues for sake of dc, yourself and dp. What are you going to do when they have a male teacher? A male coach? Visit a friend whose mum is out leaving the dad in charge....?

Without sounding harsh, yes you have an issue. I was SA & when i had DD i worried exactly the same, it is hard to get past. But as above, you never know who might be that way inclined. You can't keep your kids in a protective bubble their entire lives. You have to use your instincts & gut feelings about people as individuals

It’s irrational but I understand.

You have significant trust issues from the previous trauma.

Counselling would help you.

Ultimately its up to you who you leave your children with. But clearly it's not rationale and not based on anything about that person. It's a little unfair on the grandparent, I thought you were going to say something about their past or history.
Counselling is probably a good idea given you have these thoughts about your DH also.
Good luck

The thing is that it's you who's doing the damage to your daughters, by teaching them by example that you cannot trust men.

@AmIOTTconcerned, it's natural to be scared of all the feelings etc that counselling will bring up. But if you get the right therapist they will guide you through dealing with everything. It will be hard and it will hurt at the start.

But compare a small amount of discomfort over potentially ruining your family for something which dh cannot help.

You may end up passing an unhealthy mistrust of males onto your daughters to the point where their lack of nurturing contact could put them at risk of abuse as they will not be able to recognise a healthy relationship, let alone an unhealthy one.

Also; what if one day you do have a son? Do you segregate him from his sisters just because he is male?

How about when your dc start school and encounter male teaching staff?

There are so many variables that you cannot help, dealing with a negative experience yourself will give you and your family the skills they need to overcome this.

You are not being irrational. I was abused by a family friend whilst he babysat me aged 8. I didn't trust men other than my DH around my girls when they were little. Trust your instincts, even if that means you are over protective.

Gosh, yes you are all so right. I have never thought of it like that; that I could be potentially damaging their view on what a healthy/unhealthy relationship is. I don't want them to grow up fearing men.

I will seek help. Absolutely.

As others have said, if this carries on, you will teach your daughters to be wary and mistrustful of men and this could lead to a whole heap of issues for them in the future. I totally understand why you are worried but you owe it to your girls to get help and nip this in the bud now.

I would like to stick to trusting my instincts. But my instincts say that anyone could be a threat.

Your feelings are understandable but you are being unreasonable. Of course, with anybody there is an absolutely miniscule chance that they might be a paedophile but you can't let that skew your feelings towards others.
Admittedly I'm not the most trusting person myself and as a parent, I'm far more of a worrier than I ever thought I'd be.
I too have some reasons as to why I feel like this- it doesn't have to take a lot, I had a very happy upbringing for the most part but certain circumstances as an adolescent made me very doubtful of others.
You really need to try and overcome it, for you and your family.

Thank you everyone

I won't allow my DC to be babysat by my brothers, DP's grandad, any male basically

Why not?

But you expect your DH to trust you around his children?

Women abuse, too, and statistically - abused children may turn into abusers.
I see where you are coming from, but you need help.

I think help would be good, but I just want to say I totally understand the fear.

"Women can abuse too" but statistically they are much, much less likely to.
Yanbu, you are understandably reacting to unusual and shocking experiences that you can't just brush off.
I think it's a good idea to have some good therapy though. All parents manage risk, you are more sensitive to risk than most parents who haven't experienced what you have, but you want to make sure the steps you take to reduce risk are reasonable and not damaging.

Its really interesting how we deal with risk as parents. You’ll get plenty of people who will loudly proclaim the foolishness of taking a slightly increased risk to their child by forward facing them in their car seat or cosleeping/putting their tiny baby down to sleep in a room on their own but you rarely hear anyone talking about reducing the risk of child sexual abuse.

It’s actually completely rational not to leave your child alone with a man. Especially one who is not related to them. Child sexual abuse is distressingly common. It happens to enormously more children than SIDS or serious road traffic accidents. The best way to reduce their risk is to make sure no men have access to them because it is extremely rare for women to sexually abuse children unless it is as accomplice to a man. Obviously women do abuse children but it is much rarer. So by only leaving your children with women the risk is therefore lower.

I have also experienced having a family member who was a paedophile and no one would ever have suspected him. It horrifies me to think that if he was still alive and hadn’t admitted it all I might have left my daughter with him and exposed her to that risk. I will find it very difficult to cope when I have to decide about letting her spend time away from me at her friends homes. I worry about how I will manage to keep her safe while not restricting her life harmfully. She loves her grandad and her uncles and it would be awful to deny her the wonderful relationships she has with them out of fear. I can’t imagine them doing anything to hurt her but then until I found out I wouldn’t have believed my paedophile relative could ever have harmed a child either so I know that you can never be sure.

So I don’t think you are at all unreasonable to feel the way you do. I only don’t really know the best way to walk the line between trying to reduce risk and wrapping them in so much cotton wool they suffocate.

I intend to start early with teaching my child that her body is her own to control and that she can trust me to tell me anything at all. I think the NSPCC produces some good information to help with this. I feel that this is much more likely to protect my daughter than stopping her spending time with male relatives.

I hope you find a way through this that works for you and your family.

I completely understand your fears, they are rooted in your experience and no-one should deny them or minimise them.

But as you say yourself 'I would like to trust my instincts, but my instincts tell me everyone is a threat.' You know that is disordered thinking and it's thinking that will harm your DD's. It will build up and build up - as a pp says, what about the time when they go to play at a friend's house and the mum pops out and they're left with the dad? Or the dad kindly drops them off in the car?

You need to reset your instincts so that you can recognise real harm when it comes your way. I think counselling would be a really positive move forward for you.