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Original poster

Anyone with 2 DC, do you ever worry....

39 replies

CakeBeTheFoodOfLove · 17/01/2019 18:51

....... About what would happen if one of them were to die and the other would be left on their own growing up? Would this be a stupid reason to have a 3rd?!

OP posts:
fatpatsthong · 17/01/2019 19:32

I do think it's probably not the most sensible reason to have a third tbh!

I have 2 and yes, in my darkest anxiety filled moments I have considered the impact of this as they are incredibly close. Just like I have if me or dh were to die. It's normal to think it but perhaps not great to dwell on it.

And I was one of 2 and lost my sibling but in adulthood. It sucks beyond what you can imagine in any eventuality Smile

SeaEagleFeather · 17/01/2019 19:37

I think you need to want to have a third baby simply for its own sake, but being aware that having a third could be a plus if a tragedy happens isn't a bad thing.

holasoydora · 17/01/2019 19:39

Being of a catastrophising mindset I do think about this. But DH is a rational sort and does not see it as a good reason. (Nor is just wanting one, apparently!)

jenelleyg · 17/01/2019 19:41

I have often thought about this but I dismissed it as I'm very anxious and stressful as it is so I often think of things like this.

GreenDinosaur · 17/01/2019 19:48

I only have the one unfortunately so this lonely life will be DS's future. I worry that if anything happens to him, I will have nothing left at all. Sad

Original poster
CakeBeTheFoodOfLove · 17/01/2019 19:51

I'm not thinking that would be the only real reason to have a third. I'm also quite an anxious person so probably not thinking rationally about this. Too many things to worry about.

OP posts:
Flipflop789 · 17/01/2019 19:54

Well no i had not thought of that until now.... best go to mothercare and order a 3rd one lol. I do stress a lot about what would happen to them if i wasnt here however Sad

imip · 17/01/2019 19:55

I lost my first dd and went on two have four more. In my darker moments I think about losing one and how I’d only have 3 left and it does make me very sad. I suspect it’s not so much about how many dc you have left, but losing that dc.

At any rate, I imagine it often as I’ve been to my dds funeral and now how fucking awful it is...

Original poster
CakeBeTheFoodOfLove · 17/01/2019 19:59

I suppose when they are older they will have their own lives and families, so might be a bit easier. I'm just imagining it happening when they are still children. I wish I could shut my brain off.

OP posts:
BramRang · 17/01/2019 20:05

I'm an only child so I don't know what it's like losing a sibling, but I did lose my cousin when I was 15. She was the closest thing I'll ever have to a sibling (my parents always said "you don't need a sister; you have x" when I asked) and it really sucked. I'll admit I do now want 4 or more children so they're never alone... and I have quite severe attachment anxiety and have small rituals I have to do when saying goodbye to people I love (by which time, luckily, they usually love me back so don't find it too weird!).

KittiesInsane · 17/01/2019 20:08

Oh FatPats and Imip. I’m so sorry to hear of your losses.

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 17/01/2019 20:12

Lots of children are only children, they manage.

Puppymania · 17/01/2019 20:15

I don't think you can think like this. Life can deal harsh blows and we cannot plan to cover all eventualities. If you want 3 have 3 but don't think about losing any of them, it will eat you up.

Original poster
CakeBeTheFoodOfLove · 17/01/2019 20:19

Some great words of sense and wisdom on here. Thank you. I am also sorry to those who have lost loved ones and sorry if I've brought up hard memories with my question.

OP posts:
JurassicGirl · 17/01/2019 20:20

I'll be honest & say that if you're already a bit anxious having a third may not be a great idea.

The only reason I say this is that I was anxious when my first was born, used to worry a lot about cot death etc - really horrible thoughts.

Second was born & the worrying changed to awful senarios where you have to choose which one to save in an accident etc - became very stressful but tried to think well I have two hands I could grab both to escape etc.

These feelings went quite quickly but I remember the feeling clearly. I didn't really mention any of this to anyone.

When my third was born I had nightmares. Lots of nightmares! Car-jacking & trying to protect 3 young children, escaping a house fire & drowning. I did talk to family about these nightmares & also talked through strategies to protect all 3 which helped.

I know most people don't go through these thoughts but if you already sometimes have distressing/dark thoughts then consider it very carefully before having a third.

Mine are 9,8 & 6 now & I still get anxious at times but no way near as bad as before.

Having another one may just add a whole new dimension of anxiety!

ChipsAreLife · 17/01/2019 20:22

Yes I do think this. A friend of mine lost her brother when we were in our early 20s so not young but it devastated her and the family. I also lost my mum and having four siblings to lean on and to help out when she was unwell was a huge source of strength and relief. I would like that for my children.

It's not my only reason for wanting a third though, I do have less morbid reasons though!!!

fatpatsthong · 17/01/2019 20:22

Are you getting any help for the anxiety? Am a fellow sufferer so heaps of sympathy and know how hard it is for thoughts to spiral.

SoyDora · 17/01/2019 20:22

My brother died and left me as an ‘only child’, and I have to admit that this entered my thoughts when we decided to have a third. Of course it wasn’t the only reason, or even a major reason, but it did go through my mind.

Original poster
CakeBeTheFoodOfLove · 17/01/2019 20:46

I'm not getting any help for the anxiety, never have before. I know how irrational my thought processes can be but can't seem to stop myself. My anxiety mainly revolves around illness and food poisoning (!!) Death sometimes creeps in there too.

Jurrasic, I was ok with my 1st but suffered quite badly with PND with my 2nd and it dragged on for about 2 years. This is one of the main reasons for not having a 3rd - I couldn't put myself or my family through that again.

OP posts:
PreppingPrat · 17/01/2019 20:49

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Original poster
CakeBeTheFoodOfLove · 17/01/2019 20:50

It's when my family look at me like I'm mad that I realise I'm probably being irrational. For instance, I just mentioned to my DH this thought about habit a third and he looked at me in horror and asked why I was thinking about stuff like that!

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 17/01/2019 20:54

It seems like a very bizarre reason to me. Is this basically a version of thinking only children are hard done by? Or is there some other reason for thinking you need a sort of backup sibling?

I could see that in the case of a lost sibling with a third there would at least be someone else of the same generation to commiserate/find solace with. But you also double the chance of them having to go through that loss by having a third.

SoyDora · 17/01/2019 20:57

Is this basically a version of thinking only children are hard done by?

Nothing like that for me, it was the fact that I felt so lonely after my brother died, and the intense pressure I then felt to be ‘everything’ to my parents.
Rational? Not at all! But people aren’t always rational when they lose a sibling in traumatic circumstances.

Original poster
CakeBeTheFoodOfLove · 17/01/2019 21:03

I don't necessarily think only children are hard done by but they do miss out on a type of support network that only siblings can offer I think. I'm one of seven children and we are still all so close. I also watched my MIL struggle through the illness and death of her mother having to make all the decisions. FIL is also an only child and I will always remember him telling me that he wouldn't advise only having one child to anyone due to his experience of growing up. But everyone is different I suppose.

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 17/01/2019 21:19

Perhaps "only children are hard done by" was too pejorative a way of putting it, sorry.