Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Reluctant step Mum desperate for escape

33 replies

Klf71 · 15/01/2019 21:13

I don't know where to start with this. I met my partner in Sept. 2015 his ex is an alcoholic who has never really accepted they are no longer together. She used the children then aged 3 and 10 as weapons against my OH often not giving him access and constantly causing disruption and upset. She was often so drunk that the children began to show signs of neglect and eventually it was recognised by the authorities that she was unfit. The oldest child was 12 when he decided he wanted to live with us permanently and just before Christmas 2017 the 5 year old girl was placed in our care. In Sept. 2018 we went to court to formalised the arrangement (I paid £4500.00 to enable this on the understanding it would be paid back). My OH has always been difficult, controlling, egotistical and misogynistic but I put this down to previous difficulties and anxiety. However I have now reached the end of my tether. I am 48 years old thrown into a role I am neither good at or enjoy. They all live in my house virtually rent free (he pays me £250 A month housekeeping) I work full time, from home, which they all seem to think counts for nothing I have no life, no friends, no social life. He drinks heavily and leaves me with the children a lot of the time, he spends his evenings asleep on the sofa and is in bed by 8pm. He takes the dog out more than me, i cant remember the last time i had a conversation with a grown up. I am desperate for them all to leave but how can i live with the guilt of what it will do to those kids. They have had so much to deal with already in their short lives i am the only stable thing they have but we are all miserable. I don't think I've explained any of this very well but there's just too much to say. Has anyone else had a similar experience?

OP posts:
BumbleeBeeMe · 15/01/2019 21:17

This sounds like an impossible situation but it's not your fault. It's so sad neither of their parents seem to care about them Sad
Have you told him you're at the end of your tether and he needs to step up or get out? Maybe it would make him realise and he would change?
Whatever you decide to do, it's not your fault. You're an angel for putting up with him for so long.

CormoranStrike · 15/01/2019 21:47

They are his children - he can look after them on his own, and if he can’t you are not the one responsible for rescuing them.

Tell him to leave

Dogsmellssobadbob · 15/01/2019 21:51

What a difficult situation

You should not stay in a marriage that makes you unhappy for any reason

But if you have a relationship with the kids then maybe you can stay in contact with them and retain a role in their lives?

Do the kids have wider family members who will step up and look out for them?

Tell your DH you are unhappy and he has to go. If you have concerns about his ability to care for his children then call SS

mumbojumb · 15/01/2019 21:55

Have you spoken to him about this?

Jimdandy · 15/01/2019 22:40

Kick him out and take care of the kids?

MyTeaMouse · 15/01/2019 22:55

Do you want the kids? Never mind the man. If you want the kids tell him you want to apply for parental rights. Keep the kids - lose the man.

Sicario · 16/01/2019 09:46

Hi OP. This is a typical case of: I Didn't Sign Up For This Shit.

This situation will not get better. It will only deteriorate and get worse. I realise that the guilt of it is eating you alive, but your life matters too, and you have every right to take your life back.

Ultimately, the children are not yours, and they are not your responsibility. They are his responsibility, and if he can't step up to the plate then that also is his responsibility.

Guilt is an insidious and entirely negative emotion that does us (women mainly) terrible damage. It makes us put up with things that nobody should have to endure. Is this what you wanted from your life? How do you see the future panning out for you?

Frankly, I think you deserve better. Take your time, think it through, make your decision, then act. Sending hugs.

LaurieFairyCake · 16/01/2019 09:50

He's an alcoholic who doesn't take care of his kids? I'd contact SS and say you're planning to leave and they're going to need support.

Sicario · 16/01/2019 12:47

IME with addicts they will do ANYTHING to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. This includes doing nothing. So you will have to pack up all their stuff otherwise them moving out will never happen. You might have to taken legal advice and issue eviction proceedings.

Klf71 · 16/01/2019 17:44

Thanks for all the messages TBH I was expecting some negativity and told to suck it up for the sake of the kids. I've told him it's over today and he has agreed but we've been here before, I'm pretty sure he thinks I'll relent and that I need to up my meds!!! ( he doesn't know I'm med free and have been for weeks...maybe that's why I'm seeing things with clarity). I really feel if I had some space and distance from everything I would know what to do regarding the kids but I'm mentally and physically exhausted by it all and I get no respite. Sorry I know I'm ranting.

OP posts:
juneau · 16/01/2019 17:48

They need to move out. You've only been together three years and you've gone from a DP (who drinks too much), to being a FT parent to his two neglected kids, while he lies on the sofa and they all live off you like parasites. I'm glad you've ended it. Now follow through. Could they go to his parents? Does he have savings or a property that he owns that they could move into? Does he work? Hopefully, he's got an income and some savings, otherwise it's going to be really hard to get them all out.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 16/01/2019 17:49

Ate you married OP, is the home mortgaged it rent, in who’s names?

It is a case of ‘you didint sign up for this’. As much as you may feel guilty for the children, they are not your responsibility. Even without the dc issue your dp sounds like w nightmare and not someone you want to be with. Life is way too short to put up with this shit

Klf71 · 16/01/2019 18:03

I own my own home outright and also own a property which his mum rents off me. Both in my name only. I am a professional with a good job and he is self employed. Good at what he does but home by 12 everyday and clock watches till 4 when he allows himself his first drink. He complains that he will leave another relationship with nothing, I will be the third. My counter argument he's leaving this one with his kids. He has no savings or assets. I am happy to share childcare and still be a part of kids lives but not sure it's the best thing to do

OP posts:
GhostSauce · 16/01/2019 18:11

He sounds like a waste of space. I'd give him 60 days to move out.

juneau · 16/01/2019 18:17

Right, in that case you need to give him a deadline. Whether he 'leaves another relationship with nothing' is fuck all to do with you. If he brought nothing to it and is living off you then what the hell does he expect? And drinking from 4pm every day? Jesus wept. He needs help. Those poor kids with two alcoholics for parents Sad

juneau · 16/01/2019 18:21

And you may need to write off the £4500, unless you either had a formal arrangement with him, or you're prepared to take him to small claims court to get it.

juneau · 16/01/2019 18:23

And what Sicario said.

Tidy2018 · 16/01/2019 18:28

If the younger child was placed in your care, does she have a social worker? Maybe you could soeak to the family solicitor who handled the court case. It sounds as though you are a kinship carer, and should have support from social services

EvaHarknessRose · 16/01/2019 18:47

I think you are right to be cautious about not making a committment to the children (which might be unrealistic and unfair to them, plus you have no control over it and he might use it over you). For me it would be a straightforward I will always think fondly of you but unfortunately me and your Dad are splitting up - and maybe some life advice and a ‘transitional object’ gift to let them know they were loved.

HollowTalk · 16/01/2019 18:50

Hang on, he gives a couple of hundred quid a month for three people and is complaining he'll leave with nothing? Whose fault is that meant to be?

juneau · 16/01/2019 18:55

I will be the third

What's impressive is that such an abusive and useless man has got three women to support him and house him in a row!

OP when you get this man out of your house I suggest you get some relationship counselling and figure out how you ended up in this mess so you ensure it doesn't happen again.

Klf71 · 16/01/2019 19:05

Can I be clear and say I didnt make this post for sympathy or ego stroking. I'm aware that I have to accept some responsibility for where we are now, I've let things get too far but I was vulnerable when we met and quickly found myself in a situation beyond my ability to control. There is so much I haven't said. I've been a fool and I must be a laughing stock by all who know us but I know I have been a really positive part of DC's lives and I can't bear to be someone else to let them down

OP posts:
Klf71 · 16/01/2019 19:11

Relationship counselling is exactly what I need. I think I might look into that now it might help me to stay focused and help me to follow through

OP posts:
theredjellybean · 16/01/2019 19:14

OP.. are you married to him?
I hope not.
But the children... How do you feel about them separate from their father, whole I agree they are his responsibility I can't help but think you did take some parental responsibility even if it is only morally be them coming to live with you ft.
Would you like to share custody or have them live with you ft if you weren't with their father?

Klf71 · 16/01/2019 19:27

We're not married..thank God. And I agree I took on the responsibility that's why I'm finding it so difficult. I would like to think we could share the parental responsibility but not really sure what that looks like especially with an unhinged alcoholic ex in the wings waiting for revenge. I absolutely understood the importance of undertaking responsibility for the welfare of 2 beautiful innocent children who didn't ask for any of this but the weight is heavy

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread