Talk to me if you lost your dad as a child or teen.

[Believability]

Especially if you had a loving mum, a big extended family and no major financial concerns

It’s likely that my children will lose their dad to illness in the next couple of years. Although I’m devastated that I’ll lose my lovely husband I’m more concerned about how my kids will cope.

They know their dad is unlikely to get better but he’s not yet terminal so we haven’t had discussions that he will definitely die, just been extremely clear that he could die and that he’s highly unlikely to be cured. Dr’s have given us no prognosis other than “unlikely to be curable”

3 kids, older 2 already having counselling, schools supportive etc.

None of the children have SEN, we are a close family with loads of contact with grandparents / aunts / uncles and cousins. No financial worries, house secure so no anticipated practical changes for the kids to be concerned about.

My worry is, how will they deal with the loss of their dad and building themselves a happy and independent life not entirely ruined by such a tragedy at a young age. I’m absolutely petrified that they’ll go completely off the rails.

What can I do to support them through this when it’s apparent it will happen and how did you get through it?

I’m sorry to hear of you husband’s illness. I have not been through this but I’ve lost a child as a teenager, after a long illness, so my other children have lost a brother.

Yes it’s a tragedy. No their lives will not be ruined. They are very unlikely to go off the rails. They might have a few bumps but that’s ok.

Yes they have every chance of building themsleves a happy life . They have seen how a strong marriage and good family works and that will be a good example for them.

They will cope, as you will cope, because of all the protective factors that you have mentioned in your post.

We can’t make life perfect for our kids. Illness, death, divorce, financial catastrophy all happen. It’s terrible. But most kids do just fine with loving and supportive families around them.

I lost my dad when I was 7. He was ill for a very long time, in fact I can't remember him well. My overriding feeling when he did die was relief that I finally had my mother back. Then for years after guilt, guilt that I felt like that.
As an adult over 20 years later I can rationalise that at 7 that was a legitimate feeling. But for years after that guilt of feeling relief made me miserable.
So my advice is let them know whatever they are feeling is valid.
Talk about him often. Make as many memories as you can. And photos get photos of them with him. I have very few. Wish I had more.

I was 14 when I found my dad dead from suicide, I had no support and an abusive mother, it's been really hard, 48 now and I'm only just getting counselling. You can only be there for them and protect them will all your love and worth, sending love xxxx

Sorry if I'm not much use x

Thanks for your messages

WH1SPERS I’m so sorry about your son. Thank you for your reassurance. I’m doing everything I can to make sure that they know that they can talk and that their feelings are valid, normal and important

neverending thanks so much. My youngest is primary age, older ones are secondary. I can totally imagine having the same feelings you had and it’s really useful to hear that so I can try and minimise blame or guilt.

flamey I’m so sorry to hear what you went through. Thank goodness the children have had a solid and happy childhood up until now. I hope that helps them deal with this.

My dad died when I was 10,brother was 8.
My mum and dad had split up before then and we didn't see him much.
It was not handled well at all, we were told and it's hardly been mentioned since.
We didn't go to the funeral, weren't offered counselling or anything like that.
It took until I was early 20s to realise the impact it has had on me.
I've never gone off the rails, ive got a nice life. If anything it was the way it was handled that was more damaging than him actually dying if that makes sense.
My brother is off the rails badly and my dad not being around and the secrecy around his death has definitely been a contributing factor in how his life turned out.
I'm sorry your husband is ill, but it sounds like you are doing everything right and I'm sure your kids will be fine with the right support.

Thanks bluebell that makes perfect sense. I’m trying really hard to get a balance between frightening them about something which isn’t happening at the moment yet knowing it could happen and trying to live as normally as we can in the meantime.

I’ve said to them, whatever feelings you’ve got as totally normal and nothing you are thinking is something that won’t have gone through my mind and I can only help you if you share your feelings and fears. I’ve also said to them that whatever is going on with their dad is utterly hideous and something none of us ever imagined facing at this time in our lives but that it’s part of our lives, a horrible part of our lives but it is not our whole lives. So hard. We will always talk about him, whatever happens

To look at it from the other side , I work with people whose lives have SERIOUSLY gone off the rails , I’ve heard a lot of their life stories.

I don’t know anyone who had all the good things that your children have and whose life was ruined for no other reason than their dad dying.

IME The things that really mess up kids lives, almost irretrievably , are severe neglect ( especially when younger ), severe abuse, domestic violence, serious mental illness , addictions and getting involved in serious crime/ being in prison. It’s very hard to turn your life round after these things.

It’s a terrible thing , it will leave scars that you may have for the rest your life. But people live happy and fulfilled lives without legs, let alone with scars.

Remember that in our grandparents generation, , most couples lost a child. Many adults died young through disease, illness or war. Life went on and people were still happy.

You and your children will get through this OP. As PP have said, how you handle such a loss can make it easier or harder to bear.

Thank you so much. Your post made me cry. I have been so lucky to have a happy marriage, we just get on really well so the children have grown up in a happy safe home. I know we will all be devastated but I also know that I’ll pick myself up and carry on, I have no intention of being miserable for the rest of my life and I am trying to make sure I am helping the children build strong relationships with other family members I.e my son and brother in law are very close, the kids are close to their auntie and they all adore my dad especially.

You make such a good point about family’s have traditionally had much more experience of death of parents and children. I have thought that myself too.

You are allowed to cry here on MN. You don’t have to be brave or positive all the time. We are open all hours for moaning and feeling sorry for yourself .

It can be hard when your spouse is ill and you feel you have to be nice to them all the time, especially when they are being an arse. Which happens as you know 😉

And even harder when you are absolutely BLOODY furious at them for being ill and dying and putting you and the kids through this. But you can’t tell anyone in RL.

And you’d usually tell your Bf but your spouse is your best friend 😡

Other MNers have been through this and will hold your hand at these times.

Hi,

I lost my dad when I was aged ten due to cancer. He was 25 years older than my mum and due to his other children and their bitterness we never had the best relationship.

I know this probably isn't amazing advice or anything however my mum, grandparents (on mums side) and uncle (on mums side), lots of family friends all rallied around me and my brother who was 7, I don't know what we would have done without them.

Although we was not close, it still kills me even to this day, almost 11 years on, but it will get 'easier' for them, I believe the best thing to do is keep memories active, talk about the good times, talk about how they feel as they can say they're ok, when they aren't, my brother has just had counselling to start expressing his feelings.

Don't be afraid to talk about the subject, mine was a sudden loss, he was just found dead, alone unfortunately, just give as much support but don't overload it, if that makes sense.

Sending you all lots of love and support x

My dad died on my 15th birthday. Had a loving mother and a hugely comfortable/privileged background. It was however unexpected.

There are three of us and honestly it all affected us differently.

I am largely fine, although I think it’s affexted my ability to form romantic relationships that i think is linked due to a fear of being left.

My youngest sister is totally unaffected.

My other sister is hideously anxious, to the extent she dropped out of uni twice and has struggled to hold down a job, self harms and such forth. They may not be directly linked but it likely hasn’t helped

I know this probably isn't amazing advice or anything however my mum, grandparents (on mums side) and uncle (on mums side), lots of family friends all rallied around me and my brother who was 7, I don't know what we would have done without them.

This is brilliant advice and I hope that having a big family will help my kids too. They also have some great friends including one or 2 who also have either an ill parent (different condition to DH) or who lost a parent when they were very young.

lastqueen that's it, isn't it, it will always affect people differently and it's hard to know how that will be but thank you

Dad died when I was 12, after having cancer for a year. I knew cancer was serious but nobody really talked to me about him possibly dying. I kind of figured it out though but I've always wished someone would've spoken to me about things.

It was a difficult time but mum carried on regardless and kept the house going and me looked after and I was very close to my grandmother. My brothers had gone on to university by this time.

I was fine though. I didn't go off the rails as a teen. I had a really good friendship group at school which helped a lot.

Thanks marvellous I'm sorry about your dad. That's what I was really hoping that some people would say, that it was pretty rubbish but life was still ok! My kids have some really great friends, especially my eldest and I'm sure that will make a difference too.

Mine died when I was six, my sister 16. What I wish had happened was:

• Not telling me he'd gone to be with Jesus. Was the start of the end of my relationship with religion (how can anyone say God is loving when he destroys my family like that?)
• Recognise that, although young, I was suffering. Just because I was quiet about it didn't mean I was hurting. Take time to speak to all your children, don't believe them them they say they're ok, and, if one looks like they're trying to hold it together so as to not be a burden for you, let them break down
• Have something nice to say about him. I know very little about my father, and most of what my mother says is negative.

Furthermore, and I know this will hurt, but please don't discount the idea of a relationship in the future. My mother has never had a relationship since, partly because my sister told her not to, and partly to protect me. What this has meant though is that she has been on her own ever since, and it's taken me a great deal to break away and learn I am not responsible for her. Added to which I've never grown up seeing a healthy relationship which is one reason I have a really poor relationship history.

Also, being as there was only my mother I was aware that, as a teenager, she had no-one to fall back on. Therefore I took great pains not to upset her, so couldn't have a teenage rebellion. Although I probably wouldn't have done so anyway, a bit more freedom and pushing against her would have done me good.

Oh, and get in touch with Winston's Wish. I really think they'd have done me a lot of good if they'd been around at the time. Just to meet others in the same position as me (yes, I had a sister, but she was much older so what she was going through was completely different to me).

I felt a sense of missing something. My dad died when l was 4.

It never really hit me until l was a teen. Then l found some stuff of his and cried for weeks. One thing l will say, that as l got older l felt I’d missed something. I used to see kids with their dads or teens with their dads. And l knew that l hadn’t had that. And it felt crap.

My dad died when I was 4, so I don't really remember much different. It sounds like you're doing all the right things - keep talking.

It did mean I was a really clingy child, and my mum didn't do anywhere near as much as she should have with her life because of that - I was so pleased when she started to. So don't forget yourself in everything - make sure you're not the only source of support and that you still have a life outside of your children. It will make things so much better for you all in the future.

It's great that you have lots of family around, I would try to make sure that your husband's family are as much a part of their lives as they possibly can be, now and in the future. It's great to have someone around to say 'your dad did this stupid thing when he was 7' - those are the little things that make me feel like I really knew who my dad was, so make sure they know the really trivial little things about him so in 20 years time they can see something random and smile because they know it would have made him smile.

I'm now mid-30's, very happy and with a great relationship with my mum. Of course I dearly wish that my dad had been there too, but I try to use his memory to spur me on to take opportunities he didn't get the chance to, and do things I know he'd have loved to see me doing.

Good luck to all of you, it must be the most horrible thing to be facing, but it sounds like you're approaching it all in the best way.

Also - a really practical thing. The only time I remember feeling sad as a kid was when we made fathers day things at school - so talk to the school for the littler ones if that is something you need to manage at some point. I used to make cards for my grandad but I'd have preferred it if that was something given as a general option rather than something I had to decide to do myself at 6...

My father died when I was 17 from cancer. We knew it was terminal and he very nearly died about five weeks before he actually did, so there was an element of just waiting for him to die and then feeling guilty that you almost wanted him to die so that you could move on in the grieving process.

We hadn't been very close throughout my childhood and then he seemed to represent everything I was against when I was a rebellious left wing teenager (and he was a right wing Tory). So we clashed lots. And then he got sick and died and then I felt so much guilt and sadness ever since. It probably didn't help that my mother and I never spoke about him dying and just avoided the conversation. I then got pregnant at 18 and DD acted as a distraction. I never really grieved and it's only recently that I talk about my father in conversation. I think the irony is that now I'm in my thirties I think I'd have so much more in common with him.

His death kind of fucked me up - but then I was fairly fucked up already (hence getting pregnant as a teenager). I think if you have a more normal family dynamic and it's a loving family then that will go a long way to avoid anyone going off the rails.

Thanks timeihadanamechange

Not telling me he'd gone to be with Jesus. Was the start of the end of my relationship with religion (how can anyone say God is loving when he destroys my family like that?)
Promise that's never going to happen!

• Recognise that, although young, I was suffering. Just because I was quiet about it didn't mean I was hurting. Take time to speak to all your children, don't believe them them they say they're ok, and, if one looks like they're trying to hold it together so as to not be a burden for you, let them break down

Totally, I plan to do that and i do that already when they get upset about ti

• Have something nice to say about him. I know very little about my father, and most of what my mother says is negative.

He's fab so that won't be hard to do .

Furthermore, and I know this will hurt, but please don't discount the idea of a relationship in the future. My mother has never had a relationship since, partly because my sister told her not to, and partly to protect me. What this has meant though is that she has been on her own ever since, and it's taken me a great deal to break away and learn I am not responsible for her. Added to which I've never grown up seeing a healthy relationship which is one reason I have a really poor relationship history.

you know what? I will, I don't think I'll get married again and due to being part of a blended family I wouldn't live with someone before my children are adults but I'm very open to having another relationship when the time is right.

Also, being as there was only my mother I was aware that, as a teenager, she had no-one to fall back on. Therefore I took great pains not to upset her, so couldn't have a teenage rebellion. Although I probably wouldn't have done so anyway, a bit more freedom and pushing against her would have done me good

I can recognise this, my parents were divorced and i was very similar

Thanks so much!

swirlette thank you. I'm close to both his siblings and we're all local so I'm certain that we won't lose that relationship. I do know I'll have to make an effort as it's easy to just veer towards your own family

No personal experience but a friend lost her DH when her DC were 11 and 8. The older one went slightly off the rails at 13/14 with drinking but all came right in the end. I think that might have been just as much a result of her mum not coping well as losing her dad. Both of them are fine now...obviously they miss their dad but no long standing issues.

freckled I can really see how it can screw you up. I hope they will be ok, I'm very close to all of them and I just hope they'll talk to me.They love their dad to bits but he clashes with our DD, they either got on great or they drive each other mad and I do worry that she will get guilty feelings about it later in life.