Talk to me if you lost your dad as a child or teen.

[Believability]

Especially if you had a loving mum, a big extended family and no major financial concerns

It’s likely that my children will lose their dad to illness in the next couple of years. Although I’m devastated that I’ll lose my lovely husband I’m more concerned about how my kids will cope.

They know their dad is unlikely to get better but he’s not yet terminal so we haven’t had discussions that he will definitely die, just been extremely clear that he could die and that he’s highly unlikely to be cured. Dr’s have given us no prognosis other than “unlikely to be curable”

3 kids, older 2 already having counselling, schools supportive etc.

None of the children have SEN, we are a close family with loads of contact with grandparents / aunts / uncles and cousins. No financial worries, house secure so no anticipated practical changes for the kids to be concerned about.

My worry is, how will they deal with the loss of their dad and building themselves a happy and independent life not entirely ruined by such a tragedy at a young age. I’m absolutely petrified that they’ll go completely off the rails.

What can I do to support them through this when it’s apparent it will happen and how did you get through it?

My dad died when I was 18. I was still doing my a-levels. He died after of Cancer a few weeks after he was diagnosed.
I came from the sort of background you described. My mum arranged councelling for me and my older sister quite quickly after he died. I’m not sure how much it helped. I sort of think that it was too soon.
My mum needed a huge amount of support and I feel I shouldered that for everyone. We became quite mutrally dependent on each other and it’s taken a long time to disentangle myself from it. I don’t blame her and I’d do it again, but I also don’t think she’s fully aware of how emotionally draining it was for me. One of her best friends noticed and tried to help me a lot. I think she’s been through similar at the same age as me.
Long term we are all ok. Neither my sister or I went off the rails. My mum got through what I now realise was a breakdown. He is still missed 25 years on.

I think that thing about building your own life is really important.

My sister never married and my mum and her kind of used each other as partners. I think that’s why my sister never married. Please don’t ever let that happen

Another thing l remember is my mum turning to me for emotional support when l was 13 or 14. It felt awful, l remember thinking that really l was still a child and these things were too big for me to deal with

I agree about a new relationship although please be sensitive about it and make sure he isn't a complete bellend. DM had a thing with a guy who was awful. I hated him as a teen and feel a bit guilty that I made no secret about it. I've looked back and reflected on if I was unreasonable or if he was as awful as I remembered. He was awful, awful, awful and probably wanted mum's money and someone to wipe his arse in old age but it wasn't really my place to judge.

I lost my dad when I was 13. He was 43. He was ill for 4 months beforehand. My mum told me everything that was happening. The doctor had advised her to be honest with me. It was an awful time. We had to leave our home (as it was tied to my dad's job) and have our dog rehomed.

Fast forward 23 years (tomorrow) and I am 36 with a lovely DH and DS. Mum and I are very close. I miss my dad, more particularly at important events like my wedding and now that DS is here. My mum has never remarried and seems happy with that decision.

What I would say is that when it happened to me, there were no charities out there to help. I just had to get on with it and 3 years after it happened I did have some emotional issues and need counselling so I would say take advantage of anything out there that could help.

And I'm obviously so very sorry

Once again thank you to everyone who has replied. You’ve made me think of so many things I had never considered and reassured me that we will get through this

I finished school, got good A levels, went to uni, got two good degrees, married a lovely man, brought a house, had two children, Director of a very successful company, travel a lot...

I lost my Dad very suddenly as a teen; I didn’t go off the rails. I sometimes feel sad and wish I he could have met my husband and children. I never had counselling, it’s not defined by life or made it go in a particular direction. I have a close knit family and perhaps it even made us closer.

It won’t make them go off the rails; maybe they will, maybe they won’t the same as any teenager. It doesn’t have to define their teenage years.

I'm sorry for your families situation op. X
My dad died when i was 10. However i didn't have a support if family, I was told to get on with it, sent back to school the next day. I was told My loss was not as great as My mum's as he had been in her life longer. My dad's side of the family ceased all contact with us because they understandably hated her but that meant I also lost My grandma, aunties, uncles and cousins.
My mum moved a new man in 4 months later and tried to make me call him dad, I never did. They were both abusive and i left home at 17 and went nc at 21 when I had a baby and they tried to physically hurt her.

My advice would be that my story is nothing like your children's, be there for them, don't minimise their grief, give you and them time to readjust and please don't start another relationship until they are ready to cope with it.
Btw I never went off the rails even with my shit family so I'm sure your children won't as they have a loving family and support. Xx

I lost mine suddenly at 11.
We kind of hunkered down and kept busy. I was transitioning to secondary school. DM had a good social life and her friends rallied round to support. 25+ years on, her social life is still her main support which is useful as I'm not on the doorstep.

Dad had had phases of working away, so we were used to temporary absences and tricked ourselves with that. We kept up a lot of little routines like the Saturday morning shopping.

We talked about him a lot and still do. His things are still around. There's still a hint of his smell in the wardrobe. Lots of photos of him.

I'm open about him with my DCs. DH lost his in his 20s and DS1 was about 4 when he registered that DH and I have mums but not dads. I talked about death simply, how the body stops working, it's usually if someone is old and their body is too worn out, but possible through being really ill or injured.

You learn to live with grief. It does fade into the background over the years, but it does get dredged up, sometimes for obvious reasons sometimes less expected. It's hard to see clearly how it has shaped me, but I think it has made me more emotional and teary about things. When I've lost other relatives, there's always a bit of that that's for my dad again. Everyone else has reached the natural conclusion to their life so greiving for them has never cut so deep.

I was 10. My sisters were 12 and 13. We all managed just fine and although there was a huge financial impact, we went to university, got postgraduate qualifications and two of us have been happily married for many years. It was sad, of course but my mothers stance was always get a decent education and make your father proud of you.

No counselling, no long term consequences for myself and one sister. The eldest does have mental health problems but it’s felt to be unrelated to my father’s death.

In truth, I can’t really remember him very well at all.

thehogfather thank you and I’m so sorry that you had such a hard time. We are incredibly lucky to have a close family on both sides and whilst I imagine I would like a relationship eventually as part of a divorced family I’m extremely wary of blending families as I know how hard it was for me so I’m certain I wouldn’t rush into anything. Luckily as we are ok financially plus I’ve got a good job I wouldn’t need to if that makes sense.

another and cherry again, thank you. To know that you’ve come through the other side relatively unscathed is really reassuring.

I lost my dad to cancer when I was 14. I think at the time I was quite immature for my age and despite being prepared (never saw a counsellor or anything, but we knew that his cancer was terminal) I didn't really believe it was going to happen until it actually did.
I've very much come to terms with it though.

Losing my mum to a sudden heart attack when I was 23 has affected me much more. There are days when the grief hits so bad and I miss her every day and in every thing that I do, even though it happened 18 years ago. I think it has also had a knock on effect to some degree to my children who have grown up without any grandparents in their life (their other grandparents live abroad and don't keep in touch).

OP - I'm so sorry to hear about your husband's prognosis, to you and your family

Hello,

I am sorry about your situation OP but you are obviously very thoughtful.

I lost my father at 19 and my younger sister was 16. We have older siblings too.

My situation is not relevant to yours but I will state it anyway.

Best bit of advice was from a GP - I got outbreaks of awful illnesses after my father died and I remember him saying that grief:

1. can hit you hard and really affect your body,

1. Give yourself a couple of years to get through it, and

1. play the long game and don't worry if you have days that you just can't seem to cope with they will pass but they may come and go over a long time frame.

That was really helpful to see grief as a long term thing if that makes sense?

We had been left money in our fathers will but my mother successfully challenged the will so she got everything.

Looking back, I just can't believe how naive we were but we were young and not specialists in Estate Management.

We were completely screwed out of our inheritance.

The judge at the family court said something along the lines of "don't worry you will get your inheritance eventually from your father's estate when your mum dies one day" or maybe a solicitor said that - but that was the narrative, the narrative was also that my Mum hadn't been looked after and she obviously felt she needed every cent of my father's inheritance.

My mum played that she was a caring Mum and it was believed and we were not really up for challenging this narrative when we were still grieving the loss of our dad, and were honestly concerned as to how we would eat and I probably hadn't even realised just how abusive she was.

Perhaps it wasn't the judge but something along those lines above from someone?

My sister and I were awarded some paltry amount that was not even one year of university fees. ( we were outside the UK)...

My poor younger sister basically had to beg the solicitor for any money from the trust account for her it was really pathetic for example it could go on a text book but not food, in today's terms it would have been around £ 6 k. I know she found the process of asking for any funds really distressing. I remember speaking to her about this while we were eating fucking pot noodles for dinner.

One of my part time jobs involved catering so thankfully I had a source of food in left overs as one of the cooks knew my situation wasn't quite right so I always had one good meal a day because of her.

My father worked very hard and before he died I remember him sitting me down and saying don't worry you will have enough money to keep paying for university etc you are provided for.

The reality is that we were kicked out of home and left to self fund everything. She didn't even buy any groceries after he died and yes my younger sister had just turned 16.

I am extremely proud now looking back at how we both got on with life and got our education (I was already working part time and at university) while almost working full time. Also we were such nice kids we were still kind to our mother but obviously as an adults we had next to nothing to do with her.

It also gave me insight into real poverty and how very quickly your circumstances can change.

My sister had to house share and she actually got raped and I think that wouldn't have happened if she had had better more secure accommodation. I also can't believe re my younger sister how no other adults clicked as to her situation (that includes teachers and part time employers, and even wider family members). There was no pick up or awareness from social services.

My Dad came from a loving family but uncles and aunties were busy with their lives and I just don't think anyone could have guessed as to my mum's scheming.

I don't have much to do with my family now at all.

So what I would say is make sure your wills and guardians and estate is really up to date as to what you want to do.

I would also say give your children money when you are alive rather that it always being due to inheritance (you can make it vest later if you are worried they will blow it).

I would also say photos for each child are important.

I have my own family now and I do just really want to make sure I live until they are 18. I have a somewhat irrational fear of them being plunged into poverty but I don't share that with them.

When my mother did die (quite recently) well she didn't leave us a thing.

I am incredibly proud of my sister and I. Even though we are not close so much now.

We have never screwed anyone over.

We both got our education.

We chuckle at it now because we can.

I still have one expensive loan from my university to pay off but I own a home and have a loving family.

My youngest sister has done really well financially.

I have very happy relationships and I am most proud of the fact that my sister and I are not bitter. I am kind and generous.

I really don't take anything for granted.

For example, if I go to a restaurant or a movie or a show then I really still pinch myself in the inside as it is such a wonderful treat as I remember just working growing up and working like crazy.

I also think it makes me seek out those who are going through poverty, so if I see a family struggling I will skip them some money. I just know it would have helped me so much when I was struggling so I try help others.

DH and his sister lost their father when they were teenagers in a similar scenario to yours (finances were rather tighter, though never unmanageable). While no-one would say that's great, neither have 'gone off the rails'; DH at least seems reasonably happy, good job, reasonable marriage (!) etc.

I've read that children are more damaged by an acrimonious divorce than a well handled bereavement - no-one things that death is 'the best way forward', no shuttling between homes, no parents getting at each other through the children etc.

DH and his sister went on to lose their mum five years later, and yet are still reasonably happy, functioning etc. I'm very sorry this is happening to you and your family, but it definitely doesn't have to destroy your children's lives.

So sorry you are in this situation Believability. It is a very hard place to be.

Our dad died when I was 9 and my sister 7. It was back 30 + years so no counselling, didn't got to funeral and we were so afraid of making mum cry (can be scary for a kid who's mum has always seemed to be in control of the universe) that we didn't talk about dad.

This went on for a long time and strangely resolved itself after the one and only time I went to a spiritualist church as an adult and came away with details about what happened in hospital that only mum knew and had never talked about. Then we finally talked. I still don't know what to make of all that but it was cathartic for us all.

Dad died very suddenly of sepsis after flu, so we were all unprepared. Mum was amazing, and managed to work (own business), do all the practical stuff like light bulbs and decorating, cooking, paperwork - all of it.

She went out dating when I was about 12 and met a man who she has been with ever since. Sadly he is needy and controlling, so not a great catch. So do take care out there in the future if you venture out.

I felt like her relationship shattered the newly won sense of us as a family with tight knit bond of 3. I was a fairly normal teen of that era, drinking, smoking, sex. I got pregnant accidentally on purpose at 15 as I was craving to create my idea of a family lost. I didn't have the baby as mum was against it for a variety of reasons - for me and for her I think - but this put a huge strain on our relationship. I don't think it has ever quite recovered. Watch out for this scenario/talk about it if you have girls. My sister didn't go off the rails but sad as she has lot less memories than me of dad. She is very like him. We have all survived, both I and sister did well in exams/school/college and are fully functioning adults with lovely families and always been in jobs etc etc. It did not ruin our lives, it just meant we have had different lives to the ones we might have had in the parallel universe where dad din't die young.

I think it has made me slightly OCD/anxious and hidden feeling of abandonment. I never quite believed he was dead for years. I have never had counselling, so glad children these days have that option more available.

Anyway, all families are different constellations of personalities and experience - perhaps I was always prone to be a bit anxious and would have been even had this not happened.

Practical suggestions :

Discuss funeral if DH open to this. Dead good Funeral Book is helpful. Its not morbid. Likewise google death cafes. Talk about poems/memories/music he would like.

Make a memory jar together (slips of paper with memories from any member of family about DH and you and children)

Keep small momentoes - I have buttons off dad's shirt (mum washed and donated all his clothes after he died but these were from her button box)

Get him to write letters to the kids and you, advice, special times, what he remembers of the births, christmas, learning to walk, talk, school etc. I miss being able to ask dad about that - what was I like when I was little? Look at photos together. Spend time with him and each child on their own too. His memories growing up too - what he was like as a boy and young adult? Audio record if not write (did this with my gran, and it was a very special time for us to share together).

I'm sure the charities mentioned up thread have good ideas too.

Chances are, everyone will be OK, just different. No one can predict consequences, there may even be good things which they learn from this/ come out of the awfulness.

None of us can be protected from life and death, they just are what happens (sounds hard but I don't mean it too, we can't live in bubbles). Your children have a lot of love surrounding them. That goes a long, long way you know, it lasts for generations. Despite losing my dad young, and missing him, I know that he loved me and my sister and mum to the moon, would have fought to the death to protect us, given us anything in his power, and I feel very very lucky for that - what a true gift for any child.

I will always treasure that knowledge of feeling safe and loved and be glad he was my dad - even if we didn't have him around for as long as we had hoped. Hope I can pass it down to our DS.

Signing off, as a tear in my eye and keyboard has gone all blurry.

My dad died when I was 10, 5 months after being diagnosed with cancer. Even though I knew he was ill, getting worse and Macmillian nurses were coming to our house so he could die at home, no one ever told me this and I was so shocked when it happened. I refused to go to the funeral which, with hindsight, would probably have helped me. It was a dark time and I have blocked a big chunk of memories from this period but we got through. I used to fantasise that he wasn't really dead, my parents had divorced and they just told me he died so I was always yearning to catch a glimpse of him and have him back.

What helped my family was celebrating his birthday rather than the anniversary of his death and speaking of him often. I remember coming home from school to find my mum crying because she was clearing out his wardrobe and his clothes still smelt of him. We were horrible to her years later when she was invited on a date by one of my Dad's friends so she said no for our sake. So selfish of us. I was always good to see his friends and hear stories about him. His sketch books and small mementoes are very precious to me now, even 30 years on.

I hated the school announcing in assembly that our dad had died and everyone being wierdly nice to me. When I laughed in the playground I felt fake, like I was not behaving as a grieving, tragic child should look so some reassurance that being normal is ok, not crying all the time.

You sound like a loving, caring mum so your children will get through. They will never forget him.

Your story is like ours from 20 years ago.

What helped: talking about him, looking at photos, tending the grave, when extended family or neighbours had stories about him. Especially funn yh ones that were perhaps not entirely are appropriate.
Someone upthtead mentioned anxiety problems. These did hit me and my sister hard in later years. It is hard to come of age worrying about something terrible and being proved right.
Also, in my case, I was just at the age if experimenting with drink, made some bad associations about how to cope with bad feelings at the time. I'm not saying this to scare you just to war n you of potential pitfalls. And anyway we d id well in school and college, good jobs, happy relationships, and are happy and healthy people who still talk about him.
We didn't have counselling, it would have been good to have been a bit more aware of how grief can hit you.
Even if a good dad dies young he is still as good dad and what he has given them will stand to them their entire lives.

All the best to you all.

What most of the other have said.

As the eldest- i was 11 when my dad died suddenly, there was a lot of talk about what I could do for my mum. People would ask how old I was, then say something like “oh she’s old enough to be be company for you” or “oh she’s old enough to help with things”.

I very much felt the expectation that i was there to support my mum, and that her wants and feelings were more important than mine. She was the one on her own, bringing up two children, having lost her husband. Add to that my mum playing on it (likely subconsciously) to keep us in line. If we showed signs of rebellion or doing something she didn’t like the “it upsets me” line would come out, and we’d feel guilty and do what she wanted. Added to that was the fear that we needed her as our only remaining parent, we had nowhere else to go and no one else to turn to if she decided we were too badly behaved. I gave up my dreams of my chosen field and went to uni as that is what my mum wanted me to do.

So i took a lot of responsibility- for my younger sibling, my mum would discuss adult decisions with me. There was also the recognition that my younger sibling would cry and be upset, where i was “strong” and grown up.

I suppose my point is to make sure they still get to be children. That they still get to live their own lives and decide their own future- that shouldn’t change.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I just wanted to add that I became very anxious about anything happening to my Mum after my Dad died. If she was late home I would fret she had a fatal car crash. I was quite morbid. It's a difficult conversation to have but it helped to know who would look after us if the worst happened and we lost her as well. We knew that we would go live with my godmother who would always love us and she promised we would always see our relatives. Luckily we never had to cope with that but it was a huge worry from aged 10 into my late teens.

Also - just from your perspective: when you are a single parent there may be a tendency to feel over responsible for your children, as its not a game of divide and conquer like it is with 2 adults.

No doubt the political hysteria of the time didn't help, but I often felt mum shouldered a lot of self blame when something went wrong (she still feels like this now I think) when she was honestly just trying to do the best she could in very difficult circumstances and dealing with her own grief for the loss of a wonderful husband and father of her daughters. She felt she should be perfect, in the midst of all this.

So be kind, be patient with yourself OP. We are all only human and lovable because of our many foibles. Always remember, even if today doesn't go as planned, tomorrow is another day xX