When you were bereaved, what did your friends do/say that actually helped?

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I've read many posts on here about the thoughtless and unhelpful things friends (and strangers) have said and done to someone who has suffered a bereavement - no doubt many of them were trying to be helpful though.

I wondered if those who have lost someone close could share any of the things their friends did which actually were appreciated?

A friend of mine is about to lose a close family member and I would really like to be able to be kind and supportive.

I was in this position recently and for various reasons got little family support. The best thing my friends did was just be there- phone calls, text messages, dropping meals off to my dh and children and understanding when I was flaky and unable to give back. They also understood that it was the time after the funeral and settling estates etc that was hard as people expected me to spring back to normal quickly. It made me realise who my true friends are as some of them sent a formal 'sorry' message then nothing... no follow up contact and not mentioned when I next saw them.
I'm sure that the very fact you're asking what to do means that you will do the right thing.

As a friend, you know the person you'll be speaking to.

So, you'll know whether they're religious / spiritual or not - so will know whether references to that will be appreciated or not.

You'll know yourself what practical help might be appreciated - childcare, dog-walking, meals etc. You'll know whether to offer something specific, or a generic "let me know", or just turn up & do.

Be there for the long-term. Undoubtedly the next few days and weeks will be tough - but they'll still be struggling long after the funeral, and the flowers & cards have gone.

But I think the most important thing is to actually mention by name the person who has died. "Sorry for your loss" is well-meaning, but nowhere near as heartfelt as sharing a memory of "Jane" or "Dave", mentioning their name in cards or messages and talking about them long after these initial days.

Initially, meals and help with the school run and, from closer friends popping for a chat and letting me talk, ramble and cry. Then, once feeling less shocked, outings for coffee, lunch ...

Personally, when my husband died, I found comments such as 'If there's anything I can do just ask' quite stressful. Another thing to make a decision about! I realise that sounds quite harsh though!
The best help I had were friends that turned up with shopping, meals , came into the house and started doing the washing up, helped with the school run etc etc. All massively helpful in the fog of bereavement!

Similar to Diege in a way.

When my Dad died many people said things like "let me know if I can do anything" or "give me a call if you need me"

I know they're we're all coming from a caring place, but in those first few weeks you don't know what you need or what there is to do.

What helped me (and my mum and sister hugely) was a couple of close family friends who made a practical offer -

One friend (who my dad loved as a another daughter)... just said she would be sorting the catering. She knew where we wanted it, she knew the people in charge well. She knew the sort of things we wanted. She organised it all (ran it all past us) and just got in with it. Honestly, it was wonderful not having to sort it ourselves.

My Dad's closest friends sorted out all kinds of practical things from sourcing old photos to letting my dads wider circle know things. Priceless really.

What really has properly helped since is having people just listen. Even if it's stuff I've said before.

My close lost both her daughters - one at 4yrs and one 3 months later at 2.5yrs. She said thing that helped most was just listening and also offering up memories of the girls to talk about. We're over 10 years on now and it still helps her everyday. She's the strongest (and happiest) person I know.

What I always try to do is write note in my diary a month on, birthdays or any other significant date for them. What I found hard was people dropping off after a fortnight. A card, note, flowers, text make all the difference

It was the people who came to see me when I didn't have the will or energy to go and see them that helped most. Also those who looked after the children to give me a break, or invited all of us over for lunch, and the people who made sure I had company at social events.

The ones who brought food, texted, hugged me and took the time to listen and to talk.
The ones who shared their memories of my dad, who drove 2 hours to be at his funeral for me, who didn't care if I cried.
People surprised me - in good and bad ways - and I'll always remember both.

When my dad passed away, and my brother and I weren’t with my mom, my moms neighbour would bring round meals, things like lasagne and tagine. Which was an incredible help. Practical life things, putting bins out, buying milk/bread from shops, running them around in the car perhaps to council office or funeral directors?

Doing practical things without asking (good, getting about etc) and listening. Listening over and over again as many times as I needed. And not expecting me to be better within a few months.

The day after my Dad died, one of my friends brought round a big bag full of snacks. I struggled to eat a proper meal for the first week or so, so the snacks were really appreciated, else I wouldn't have eaten anything.

Most of my friends came to his funeral, even though they didn't know him very well. It was nice to have that extra support and know that they were by my side.

Brining uk the person who has died was the most supportive thing. Using their name. Referring to them. Being open to discussions remembering them, whether happy or sad or both.
And not just in the short term but also in the longer term - when lots of other people have gorgotten and stop doing so.

Well done for being there for your friend.

Bringing up

And also the ones that remembered that our grief continued even after the funeral...just sending a text meant the world x

I have had two close bereavements in the past four weeks. My friend is sending texts daily asking 'How are you?' 'How are you doing?' - I know she means well but I'm actually finding it a bit stressful not knowing how to reply - actually how I'm doing is bloody awful but I don't feel that I can say that to her every day so I end up replying with platitudes. That's just me being tense and oversensitive though - it would be worse if she wasn't bothering to stay in touch.

What's helped the most has been people inviting DS round to play and helping to take his mind off things, and friends who made the effort to come to the funeral. Someone I hadn't seen since we left school came, and another friend took two days off work and did the three-hour drive to be there, which meant the absolute world to me. People talking about happy memories and funny stories have helped a lot too.

Initially they just came ,sat with us ,held us up .
Made Tea & coffee for others who came ,brought vodka for me & food incase anyone wanted it.
No one knew what to say as there was nothing to be said ,they just sat with us ,as awkward as that sounds we will never forget that ,knowing they cared enough to be there at the time when we were in so much shock we couldn't speak .

A very good friend brought milk ,other essentials & a meal every day for a whole month without being asked so that there was something here for Ds as we couldn't eat & often lost track of time ,I don't know how we would've coped without them .

Over the last year or so ,remembering significant dates means a lot & we've had some beautiful cards with memories written in ,I will cherish those .
And people have given us photos,some from years ago & some more recent .

Also ,as the weeks pass ,try not to be offended if the bereaved person doesn't reply for a while to txts or calls ,some days it's just very hard .

Yes as previously mentioned above. Came round to see me, phoned or text. Let me talk and weep, brought food, saw to day to day things I couldn't manage even silly things, putting bread in freezer, making sure none of the unopened letters needed dealing with, left mindless snacky things like biscuits and fruit, recommended even more mindless little games to play or series to watch, a book to read. It's really all about getting from this minute to the next initially and then the next hour, day, week and so on. Making sure everyone who needed to be informed was, doctor, bank, work, pension, friends, associates, online and in RL. Most importantly though just listen.

Sweet FA, really.

I'd ask her to let me know what you could do. Or be explicit, so something like "I can pick up DC from school on Monday and Tuesday"/"I've got a lasagne in the freezer so I'll pop round with it. "The worse thing is when people say "let me know what I can do for you". It then puts the onus on your friend to ask a favour and that's not fair.

Also, try to be part of a rota- food or childcare. My SIL had one and it was amazing for her. X

Not sure if I was a pain in the arse but I turned up anyway to my friends.
Just sat, listening and hugging.
Talked to her, told her about life outside her grief.
Told her gossip, stuff about our mutual friends. She joined in and pretty much came alive with these conversations.
I like to think it was some respite to the black agony and torture of her mind.
We also talked and still talk about the one who died. Without feeling nervous or awkward about it.
It’s 7 months on now, she has amazing people around her, she STILL has amazing people around her. We haven’t stopped turning up.

My dear friend would send me a little text every day. This started about a month after DM died and the initial fuss had ‘died down’ (excuse the pun). She did it every day for over 6 months. Just a few words, ‘how was work’, ‘are you watching Call the Midwife’, ‘saw Carol from Brownies in Boots today’. We’d always end up having a chat. Sometimes it would just be ‘night night mate’ and a picture of her cat.
It helped so much.

people who check in regularly

people who bring food and offer to run errands for mum

generally I think ask if you are not sure. Mum doesn't like talking about dad so visitors are difficult at the moment because everyone wants to share their memories and she's too polite to tell them to please talk about something else.

A card, with sweet words, perhaps little memory of the loved one.

If closer to them some food, juice drinks to keep them healthy, flowers for them.

Acknowledging it is the main thing; the worse thing is when someone doesn’t as it makes the bereaved person feel awkward and not able to speak about it.

Reading this thread made me unexpectedly emotional. My brother died unexpectedly and the kindness shown to us from so many people, without condition, was what kept my parents and I going.

Practical help, like food, was great but also things like offering rides to/from the funeral, putting flowers in vases, sending notes with real memories about my brother, forcing my mom to eat "just two bites". Gosh it was so hard and it's really only then we realised how very lucky we were.

Long term, don't be afraid to talk about the person who goes. Don't force their loved ones to shroud them in silence. We had an open mic at my brother's service and so many people came to tell hilarious stories about him- I still think about some of them and chuckle.

The best thing was/is the people who keep in touch, who keep inviting me out to do things, or round to theirs for dinner. Or the friends who’ve been in the same situation and who know what it’s like and we talk about our experiences/how we’re getting on./what we’re struggling with.

Friends who sent messages six months after mum died, saying they were still thinking of me. People who acknowledged that Christmas would be weird/hard/whatever. That all helped.

I have generally felt quite alone though (with the exception of close family). People who haven’t been through it have no idea, but to be fair neither did I before I lost mum.

I think the main thing to be aware of is that it’s exhausting. I’ve been so tired, and so I don’t want to have to organise others, or deal with their reactions, or make decisions for them. I’ve just had the hardest year of my life so I’m cutting myself some slack.

I was also sad that none of my friends came to the funeral, but it was a long way from where we live. I don’t have a significant other, so my friends are my support network. But that’s something I’d offer to do for a fair end in the same situation.