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Original poster

When you were bereaved, what did your friends do/say that actually helped?

54 replies

Smoggle · 13/01/2019 18:09

I've read many posts on here about the thoughtless and unhelpful things friends (and strangers) have said and done to someone who has suffered a bereavement - no doubt many of them were trying to be helpful though.

I wondered if those who have lost someone close could share any of the things their friends did which actually were appreciated?

A friend of mine is about to lose a close family member and I would really like to be able to be kind and supportive.

OP posts:
Kernowgal · 13/01/2019 20:20

*fair end = friend, obvs. Stupid autocorrect!

NWQM · 13/01/2019 20:30

I would also so that the most helpful was people who offered specific support - I did appreciate the sentiment behind ‘if there is anything I can do’ but it felt often that it was more about making people feel better as they needed to do something but I had to work out what. My one friend simply said ‘would it help if the kids came with us to x and you have time on your own to do whatever’. It helped a lot and I didn’t have to do anything to make it happen.

Grace212 · 13/01/2019 20:36

reading this is making me see that mum and I are a minority in not wanting to hear other people's tales of dad!

Ginormarse · 13/01/2019 20:48

My Mum died in October after a short illness. Two of my friends were an immense practical support doing school runs for me, I just couldn't face the school playground when mum was ill and shortly afterwards, they also cooked some meals, sent me text reminders about things happening at school, and let me have a good cry on them when I needed to. Another organised an afternoon at her house with some other friends for all of our kids to play together and eat pizza. Some of my dearest friends came to Mum's funeral, just to support me and it really meant such a lot.

SadOtter · 13/01/2019 20:55

My friend put her arms round me and said "I don't know how to help or what I'm meant to say but I love you"

In a sea of people giving me little pearls of wisdom, all the meaningless little things people say and vague offers of 'if you need anything' it was actually really nice to know there was someone else who didn't know what to do or say.

Nursiemum27 · 13/01/2019 21:00

Just acknowledge the situation and let her know how much you care for your friend and that she is absolutely allowed to cry/loose her shit and just be angry at the world if she wants to.

We saw dhs family the day after my grandma died and they didn’t mention it once. I was very obviously upset and found the whole situation awful - would have much rather have had a hug and them say I don’t kno what to say

Grace212 · 13/01/2019 21:09

also, a neighbour came up to me the other day - it's 2.5 months on - and asked how I was. I just made a face.

she gave me a big hug and said "I know. it's just shit isn't it. It's just shit".

now, it's not for everyone, so again, tough call, but I appreciated her saying that.

junebirthdaygirl · 13/01/2019 21:21

I really needed to talk through what actually happened to my dm. So friends who sat and asked " what happened? " and really listened..
Friends who didn't get a chance to talk to me for long at the funeral contacted me a week later and said they would come over. This meant them travelling a fair distance.
My worse thing was some people not alone not coming to the funeral but never even acknowleging her passing. It floored me and to this day, 18 months later l can't understand it. These were people who were a major part of my life for years.
Actually l found some people in my outer circle more supportive eg colleagues , some a lot younger than me.
I absolutely appreciated everyone who came to the funeral and still go through it in my mind, all those being so kind and suppirtive by just being there.

Kernowgal · 13/01/2019 22:08

Yeah, the not acknowledging was the worst. I still resent one ‘friend’ who never said anything after mum died. Not even a card. Another friend, who was working in a remote location in northern bloody Canada, managed to send a card, but not the friend I see at work most days. I have distanced myself from her since. Everyone else at work has been fab.

AlsoBling2 · 13/01/2019 22:28

A card with a personal message, particularly from people I didn't know well, really meant a lot. Generic condolence cards however I found horrible and just tossed. I know people simply don't know what to say but...

Agree that people simply telling me what they would like to do was much easier than the generic, "call if you need anything". People who simply turned up with food or offered to take ds. Also, once things calmed down i had a couple of friends who realised I still couldn't 'really make decisions or plans easily so would say, "I'm free for a movie on Monday, does that work for you?" Or whatever.

Please please don't change the subject when the person wants to talk about the person they lost. Again, I totally understand it's uncomfortable, but being able to tell a story about the person or discuss the challenges of their death was sometimes what I needed the most.

Unobtainable · 13/01/2019 23:23

Sparkle has it.

Just keep in touch, dont say the obligatory ‘sorry’ and then dissapear for months. A quick text every other day and a weekly call will help. Visit too if you can and offer to take your friend out for food or invite her over. Take her favourite food/drink over. Let her talk. Let her cry. Just sit with her.

BackforGood · 13/01/2019 23:34

Trouble with this is I think it is a bit personal.
Like so many others here, I appreciated the people who did something decisive....... the people who said 'Don't worry about the tea after the funeral, we're doing it for you'. The friends who said 'We're coming to pick your dc up on Saturday and will keep them for the day - do what you want, practical house clearing type things or just go back to bed and sleep... whatever you need to do' , etc etc. But I'm sure there will be MNers who felt a bit bullied by that.

Sammysquiz · 14/01/2019 06:56

What I always try to do is write note in my diary a month on, birthdays or any other significant date for them. What I found hard was people dropping off after a fortnight. A card, note, flowers, text make all the difference

Totally agree with this. I set an iPhone reminder to alert me yearly on the anniversary of the dates when my friends were bereaved, so I can send a card or message. I also keep a list (which sadly gets longer and longer every year as more of my friends lose their parents) of people who’ve died in the year and then I set aside 5 minutes on Christmas Day to send out some texts saying ‘thinking of you today on the first Christmas without your Dad’ or whoever. Just nice to show people you haven’t forgotten their loved ones.

redexpat · 14/01/2019 08:26

I quite liked being asked is there anything I can do to help? There wasnt, but it made me feel supported.

Something that my sisters and I enjoyed was reading the condolence cards that arrived with little stories of how each person remembered our Dad - from a gangly scout master driving across a campsite in a vintage rolls royce to a cricket umpire giving questionable decisions with authority and good humour. 3 years on and I can still remember them.

Are there children in the family? Maybe find some books like Badgers Parting Gift or Goodbye Mog depending on how old they are.

Keep inviting out to things as you normally do, but dont hold them to the same standard of rsvping and attendance as you usually do.

Accept what they are telling you. Don't try and tell her what she's feeling. So when I said it's ok, we knew it was coming, the response was that doesnt make it easier. IT BLOODY WELL DID FOR ME. Mostly I felt relief, but I can remember the ONE person who accepted me saying that.

DoingMyBest2010 · 14/01/2019 08:29

My dad died very suddenly. Tbh, only the friends who had gone through the same were able to give me helpful advice. Anyone else just didn't get it.

ShatnersWig · 14/01/2019 08:35

I'm afraid my best friend was fucking useless.

Just BE a friend. BE there.

mirren3 · 14/01/2019 08:42

I lost DH suddenly after an operation, my DS's are all in their 20's and helped massively with planning etc. My best friend was around everyday and we walked miles with our dogs with me rambling on and on. She never once said I've heard this before or even what are you on about? Looking back this was the best thing ever.

Seeline · 14/01/2019 08:44

My Dad died when I was 6 months pg with DC2, and DC1 was 2.5. There weren't many offers of help, but the one thing that really stuck with me was one friend who posted an activity pack for my DC. She said she knew there would be lots of meetings and thought something different would help keep my DC amused if I had to take them with me. Big envelope full of stickers, colouring books, little picture books etc. It was brilliant - her thoughtfulness made me cry at the time, and 14 years on I still think of it.

Halfahunnerstillastunner · 14/01/2019 09:00

The friends who popped by with a potted plant I could just stick on the windowsill rather than flowers that need to find a vase, cutting, looking after. A tiny detail but so helpful when you are shattered.

The friends who came to the funeral and waited to be last in the lineup after the service so when I was exhausted saying thank you to everyone who came along, they were the last faces and I could collapse on them and cry and they basically heaved me to the car for the journey to the wake. They also watched over me at the wake and if anyone was monopolising me would step in and let me escape. They even came with me to the toilet to make sure nobody buttonholed me.

The friends who a week, a month, several months later took me out and didn't mind if I talked and talked and talked.

All the same people, all amazing. So grateful.

bigbluebus · 14/01/2019 09:04

When DD died, one friend arrived with a home made shepherds pie, another came round to talk and brought wine. A local lady, who we didn't know very well at the time, dropped off cartons of Covent Garden soup and fresh bread. All were appreciated.

When a neighbour was ill and then unexpectedly given 2 weeks to live, I stepped in with dog walking/feeding. I also put some shopping in their fridge when they were in and out to the hospital. When neighbour died, I cooked a cottage pie for the family to eat or freeze.

The best things are those that happen spontaneously. Offers of help are rarely taken up - although I did borrow vases off one friend when I had so many flowers I had nothing left to put them in.

Lonecatwithkitten · 14/01/2019 09:11

When my DP lost his wife he said the most difficult thing was people telling him what he should do. The best thing was people supporting him doing what he wanted to do.
For him going back to work and throwing himself into it was the best thing for him the fact that his boss ( also a friend) supported him in doing this and prevented other members of staff from telling him he shouldn't be there really helped. He absorbed himself in his work for 6 years allowing it to fill his time and then gradually made a new life.
His sister also helped him burn their marital bed this was incredibly important to him and without a word she helped him get it down stairs and burn it. She just held his hand and said nothing.

LoniceraJaponica · 14/01/2019 09:13

I lost my mum just before Christmas one year (three years after losing my dad).

I was a sales rep at the time and in January had to face customers asking me what kind of Christmas I had had. One of them said "I'm an orphan too". I found it strangely comforting. I still remember it to this day. My mum died 28 years ago.

Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly · 14/01/2019 09:18

I'd love just one of my friends to reach out, tell me they know I'm not as okay as I'm portraying on the outside right now, and tell me it's fine for me to cry to them, and for them to ask about my little girl and maybe ask to see pictures of her etc. I know that's probably a bit much, and totally unreasonable, but it's how I feel :(

Lemond1fficult · 14/01/2019 09:29

I've shared this on a similar thread before, but while the thought of flowers was nice, the reality of having a house full of dying flowers and not enough vases was one more thing to think of.

The best thing someone sent me was a care package from far away - an old shoebox containing a page-turner novel she knew I'd like, a candle, some sweets, slipper socks, loose-leaf tea etc, and a nicely written card. I cried floods, it was so thoughtful.

Also think of your timing - I was inundated with good wishes before the funeral. I really appreciated the people who remembered in the weeks after, when you're still very raw but everyone else has moved past it.

CookPassBabtridge · 14/01/2019 09:38

"I'm thinking of you, I'm here if you ever want to chat"

That's it, that's all I wanted. But I got nothing from a lot of people as they didn't know what to say. There is no need to think of cliches or be an expert in grief, just let people know you're thinking of them.