Nee some urgent advice - DS/Uni

[LurkyMcLurky]

I've posted this in HE as well, but hoping for some quicker replies here in Chat

DS was due to go back to uni today after Christmas. It's a uni at the other end of the country to home. We've know somethings not been right all over the holidays, but last night he broke down and said he can't go back.

His distress was heartbreaking. He opened up a bit and said he feels really anxious, the work is hard (although akaik he's on top of it), his flat mates are not his sort of people and he just doesn't feel at home there. He thinks he's picked the wrong course as well.

He's a shy boy, very quiet, and finds it hard to make friends. He got exceptionally good a-level results, and has been used to picking things up really easily so I think uni perhaps has come as a shock.

We've decided that he shouldn't go back. We'll make him an appointment with the Dr for next week and go from there, but to be honest, I'm not really sure what that is. His mental health is the most important thing at the moment and I cannot and will not make him go while he's so distressed. He's got an exam next week, which he won't get there for too.

If anyone has any practical advice I would be very grateful.

It's hard to advise as you have handled it really well.
I'd say ask him to give permission for the uni to talk to you and then you can discuss his options with them about changing course, starting afresh In September etc.

I think you made the right decision. His options are:

• take a little time off, go back to uni in a few weeks, possibly take his exams as first sits in August (subject to board of examiners approval - make sure you get evidence from GP)
• drop uni this year and go back next to the same course and uni
• drop uni and change courses/uni next year. The uni could be close to home so he lives at home/ comes back on weekends
• take a gap year to think things through, get work experience, etc
• completely drop out of uni and look for apprenticeships of some sort.

It sounds like he needs time and you 100% made the right decision. I work in higher education and the rate of mental health issues and suicide attempts is very high, what with all the pressure students are under.

In any case he needs to discuss it with his GP and also be in touch with his uni about it all.
Hope he gets better soon

Talk to the uni and request they defer the exam. That’ll give you a bit of breathing space for now.
Perhaps he could transfer to a uni closer to home?
Maybe if he definitely doesn’t go back you can talk to the student finance people and withdraw or suspend on health grounds.
I’m
In the same boat but my dd has done a year already.
Very difficult.

I know of two similar situations where going back really didn’t work. You are doing the right thing.

Make sure university know what's happening. First year exams didn't used to count to a degree (but check that) so it might not be such an issue.

I had anxiety at university. The counseling service was quite good, they see similar issues all the time so you could find out if that's available. I was also granted special circumstances for exams, I had a bit longer and could go to the loo (to be sick usually) when I needed, so you could ask if that's available if the anxiety doesn't subside. But, if the course is the wrong one then once he's feeling stronger your DS needs to reappraise. Again, I would contact the university for their advice as they might be more aware of his strengths and weaknesses although after one term thats asking a lot.

FWIW I ended up doing well in my bachelor's, then went on to master's and PhD. The first part was the hardest though!
Could he look for a university closer to home if that's adding to his worries?

Well he gave it a go and found that course and uni wasn't for him.
He'll want to beat himself up about that and tell himself that he's failed miserably. But you/he should be telling him that he did brilliantly to get there, stick with it for a term and was honest enough to admit he didn't enjoy it. That's a really great life skill to have developed, one that's necessary for happiness in life and lots of people take a long long time to learn to do that because they are scared of failure. But realising and admitting something isn't right for you is the first step to finding something that is right for you.

It might take a while to get into a line of work you enjoy but it's worth it to feel what you're doing for eight hours five days a week for the fifth odd years if your life you spend at work!

In practical terms tell student loans so that he'll only have had one terms money which will keep the option open to do another course if he ever wants to.

Thank you for your replies so far.

They reinforce that I have made the right decision. I woke up this morning thinking I should make him get the train today but the thought of him being lonely, anxious and on his own is too much.

Does anyone know if a Dr will give a note for these situations? I thought notes were only for work? We don't go to the Drs very often so I'm pretty clueless.

DD is also going back today, 3rd year and she's been so lucky. Fell in with the right crowd, loved the course and the city she's in which is making DS's situation seem so sad.

I dropped out of a course at 18. I never had to study at school and got good results and uni was a big jump, I soon realised that I didnt even know how to study. I found it difficult to make friends. As soon as you slip behind in one module you feel like the whole world is against you and you cant catch up.
I would recommend speaking to uni. Would be better him really but if he is not able to then someone should. As someone advised get some evidence of mental health distress so that if he does decide to go back he has something. Engage the personal tutor and see if there are other options. Can he sit his exams at 2nd submission (as first attempts)? Can he get some support for study skills? I had one friend at a fairly modern uni who managed to negotiate doing all uni work by Skype (lectures, tutorials etc.) and then did placement close to home and only had to go in for one written exam a year.
I have since gone back to uni and will graduate this year. I got a job at 18 and worked my way up and succeeded but always felt like I'd failed. It was much harder going back as I have a little boy and a husband but actually the motivation makes it much easier. I am able to plan my work well and time manage so my essays are always in a good 3 weeks early giving me extra holidays.

Please also explain that it's very normal to feel this way. There are so many people in my course who have taken years out/had resits and we will all finish with the degree.

I think you're doing the right thing. The same happened to my oldest son 2 years ago - he came home for Christmas and seemed a little subdued and eventually broke down. He didn't go back, with him it was as if he needed my permission not to as he thought he was letting people
down although I didn't feel that way at all.

He originally intended to return to uni the next academic year and do a different course but found he enjoyed actually working instead and is now doing a job he enjoys for a company that offers great opportunities and earning well. He is much happier and more relaxed in his own skin than ever before.

I think that there is still too much expectation in schools that the expected route is A levels then uni when for a whole raft of reasons that doesn't suit everyone. There are many other options these days - Degree Apprenticeships etc - and I worry that many schools are still taking a "one size fits all" approach which is doing many teens a disservice.

I know lots of people who left their first uni after a term and restarted at the start of next academic year at a new place/ new course. They all thrived in the second place. There is always a mix of ages in first year where people have had a gap year or 2 so it's totally fine.

Agree with all the advice so far. We have had a similar issue except that DS had his meltdown a week into the holidays. Like you, I found it heartbreaking to watch.
We talked through all the options and in the end agreed to explore counselling as a first stop. He's had one session so far and whilst I don't know what happened I know he found it really helpful and had already booked to see the therapist again. He he gone back - reluctantly - but I think knowing he has an independent adult to talk through his anxieties is helping him. We decided not to see the GP (may yet do so) as we don't want to rush into medication but also we know what waiting lists are like for CAMHS in this area. So I am paying for him to see someone privately - expensive but has brought us both real peace of mind. Good luck x

Yes, TheMonaOgg, that is exactly it. Over Xmas he's been quiet about how it's all been going and I think he did need our permission and say that it's ok if it not for you.

I'm worried about the finance aspect of dropping out. Student Finance, I understand as I did my degree about 5 years ago, but I'm not sure how he'll stand in terms of accommodation and dropping out. We certainly don't have the cash to pay for the rest of the year!

There will be a student welfare department -he needs to talk to them on Monday morning. They were my dd’s lifeline when she had a lot of mental health problems at University. There are lots of things they can do to help but they need to know what’s going on. Get an urgent GP’s appointment, and keep talking to the University. This is a setback, not a disaster- try to stop him making irrevocable decisions at the moment. And (I’m sure you are) listen to him. Try not to do too much problem solving apart from helping him to buy some time. I think the whole “University is the best time of your life” mantra is very damaging for the young people who don’t immediatly find their feet. If it helps, dd ended up finishing her degree (a slightly different one to the one she went up to read) with a 2.1. She had leads of support from the university-they’ve seen it all before and have structures in place to help.

Oh, and moving to a university nearer to home might make a big difference, for him and for you. A journey of two hours or less is very different from a whole day travelling.

Regarding tuition fees, the university may offer a partial refund but this is dependent on your son formally suspending his studies or withdrawing from the course. For example, at my university if you withdraw in the first term you would receive a 75% refund, if you withdraw in the second term you would receive a 50% refund, third term no refund.

For university halls of residence accommodation fees we will only refund if a suitable replacement tenant can be found, if not full fees are payable.

As others have said, your son should contact the university as soon as possible to discuss options.

Dropping-out is very common, no shame in it, it may be that university is not for him, or that particular university just doesn't suit.

You 100% did the right thing I was that student that came home suicidle. I had a massive breakdown in second year and never went back. Feel free to pm if you need to talk.

Thanks Cats.

I'm glad that so many agree with our decision. It's so hard when they are expected to be adult and do adult stuff. All I want to do is keep him here and mother him.

I'm sure it will all work out, it just all seems a bit daunting at the moment.

He's up now. A bit quiet but wants to come to the station to see his sister off. Going to formulate an email to student support today, so I can get his/our thoughts and concerns out in advance of calling on Monday.

I'm going to have to take the day off work to help DS with the practicalities, but luckily I have an understanding boss.

You are doing the right thing, he shouldn't go back. I was a 1st year student 7 years ago and was lucky with the people I met but it's a very weird and surreal experience. You feel very alone and the people you meet are not really true friends for the first year.... friendships work their way as you go.

Why would you need a doctors note? Is it university led accommodation? You may find there's a waiting list for the rooms so if they find someone else, paying the bills shouldn't be an issue.

Your son should contact his tutor and let them know he's not returning (just temporarily for now - no need to officially withdraw at this stage).

The university will have a process for mitigating circumstances which will require some evidence from a doctor or counsellor - if there is any chance he might return after a break or even to change programme at the same university he should follow this process now rather than just disappearing.

He needs a doctors note Russell, for getting evidence for extenuating circumstances for an exam this Wednesday coming. He's definitely not going to be there.

You absolutely need a doctor’s note-he really shouldn’t make this decision when he’s at crisis point. He needs to buy some time and insider his options. So. Talk to student welfare, get his exam deferred. Get a medical certificate. Then take some deep breaths and plan. DON’T let him just disappear.

I disliked uni. I got through my first year, didn’t gel with my housemates, and found the first year boring and not challenging. The uni tried to make me stay but it was all making me very unhappy. I took a year out, worked 3 jobs, had more of a
Clue what I wanted to do with my life and met with a couple of new unis closer to home and finished a slightly different degree. I entered straight in to 2 yr which was much better for me and I got my degree.

Hold him close. Let him know this is not a failure. It’s so easy to define your success by that of others goals at that age and there’s a lot of unsettling changes to get used to. Also, its ok not to know what you want, and ok not to do what his peers are doing. He’ll find his path, don’t let him be discouraged.

Thank you Bertrand.

I've just spoken to him, and aside from the exam, uni doesn't start proper until February so he's got a few weeks to consider his options. Obviously the longer he leaves it, the harder it might be in terms of actually wanting to go back at all, and in terms of finance and accommodation.

We'll get there. It just all seems a bit daunting at the moment.

He's doing the right thing! I did my degree but then did a PGCE, which I hated & dropped out when I was part way through. It was absolutely the right decision for me, and as soon as I'd made the decision to stop I felt so much better.

Your son will feel better when he's had some time & realises that it isn't the end of the world! He might end up going back, he might end up going somewhere else, or he might end up doing something completely different. But good for him being brave enough to tell you it isn't right for him and that he doesn't want to do it!

I hope he has a lovely restful weekend at home :)

Haven’t RTFT so apologies if any of this had been covered. Practical advice:

• let his personal tutor know he won’t be back citing mental health
• check the uni websites or his student handbook to find out what the extenuating circumstances procedures are. If he won’t be able to sit his exam next week, and he does decide to go back to finish this year he’ll need extenuating circumstances to be allowed to retake the exam
• note down any dates and times of doctors appointments as you might need to include these in paperwork
• gather paperwork linked to uni (student finance and accommodation stuff) so that when decisions are made you’ve got them to hand to act on it all.