Nee some urgent advice - DS/Uni

[LurkyMcLurky]

I've posted this in HE as well, but hoping for some quicker replies here in Chat

DS was due to go back to uni today after Christmas. It's a uni at the other end of the country to home. We've know somethings not been right all over the holidays, but last night he broke down and said he can't go back.

His distress was heartbreaking. He opened up a bit and said he feels really anxious, the work is hard (although akaik he's on top of it), his flat mates are not his sort of people and he just doesn't feel at home there. He thinks he's picked the wrong course as well.

He's a shy boy, very quiet, and finds it hard to make friends. He got exceptionally good a-level results, and has been used to picking things up really easily so I think uni perhaps has come as a shock.

We've decided that he shouldn't go back. We'll make him an appointment with the Dr for next week and go from there, but to be honest, I'm not really sure what that is. His mental health is the most important thing at the moment and I cannot and will not make him go while he's so distressed. He's got an exam next week, which he won't get there for too.

If anyone has any practical advice I would be very grateful.

Just a quick update.

I took him to the Dr this morning, who was lovely and very understanding. He's going to write a letter explaining the mitigating circumstances which should cover the exam on Wednesday. Going forwards, we've made a self referral to the local counselling and wellness service which hopefully should help.

The uni have been contacted and we know what to do in the short term. Longer term, he needs to speak to them and decide, with their help, what happens next.

He's quiet today and didn't say much in the Drs, but did say he feels happier now the exam is hopefully covered. Provided the extenuating circumstances are accepted, he should get a uncapped result in the summer resits.

Still not sure if he will go back, but at least things are a bit clearer now and hopefully he can get some help. He did tell the Dr he has felt like this for a long time, certainly since he was at school, which makes me feel terrible for not having recognised there was a problem.

My eldest dropped out of Uni. It just wasn't for him, he hated it.
He is 32 now. Happy with his life, a train driver, buying a house and has an amazing relationship.
Uni isn't for everyone, and it's perfectly possible to build a good life without a degree.
Hope your son feels better now you've eased the pressure for him a bit.

I agree with PP that too much emphasis is placed on the university route, as though there is no other option. I think other options should be offered and explored, just as much as university.

There are management trainee options, apprenticeships, on the job training, all kinds of choices, that aren’t routinely discussed.

Your son has had the courage to say that that course and that university aren’t for him. Another course, another university, another year, it may be different. Or he may find that other choices may be more suitable.

You’ve done the right thing in removing the immediate stress. His mental health is more important.

My DS has dropped out of uni twice.

Apart from the debt (which is his problem) and the money spent on rent (which we are recouping to some extent by charging extra board and lodging now he’s in a job) the important thing is to listen and be there. Yes, it’s a massive waste. Of time, of money, of invested energy. But, nobody died and life goes on.

The expectation that most will go to uni is wrong. Although the concept of better-educating the populace is fantastic, in reality we know that it is merely a way to keep you g people off the unemployment stats. My DS had three decent A Levels in traditional subjects. It isn’t always enough.

This happened to a friend. She transferred to our local uni and absolutely thrived and loved it. Living at home removed so much of the stress for her. could that be a possiblilty for your DS?

My DS dropped out of his UNi course after the end of 1st year. He wasn't enjoying the course and was finding it very difficult. He only announced he wasn't going back the week before he was due to start 2nd year!

We told him that was fine and supported his decision (even though it ended up costing us financially as he had signed a lease on a flat which we couldn't re-let or get out of) but he spent the year at home working in a minimum wage job and decided that he really wanted to go to Uni but to do a completely different course at a different Uni. He submitted his application, getting a reference from his old 6th form college, and is now in his 2nd year of his new choice. He loves the course and says he doesn't find the work difficult because he is enjoying it.

I'm sure that given time your DS will decide what he wants to do long term but glad that you have managed to relieve the pressure in the short term. Good luck to you all.

I'm not sure if uni is right, certainly at the moment. From his conversation with the Dr today he has severe social anxiety which isn't going to be easily solved.

I hope some sessions with a counsellor may help, but that's not going to get him well for a while.

I was hoping to persuade him to finish the year, but I really don't know if that will be possible. He was so keen to go to a 'good' university - most the ones near us are ex-polys - that I don't know if he'd go there. He's not really in the right place mentally to think about that at the moment though. I tried to talk to him this morning about it, but he got a bit cross, saying I was forcing him to make a decision. I'm not, I just wanted to gauge how he feels about the options available.

If he doesn't go to uni, I really don't know what he'll do. The social anxiety is going to be hard to overcome, particularly when it comes to getting a job, which he'll have to do at some point if uni isn't going to be an option. We also live in a small town in a rural part of the country, he doesn't drive, and jobs in the local area are pretty limited.

I guess he'll get there, it's just going to take time.

I can’t remember right now what the website is but there are a range of free online courses in all sorts of subjects. Some accredited, some not. Maybe it could be a route to figure out what he enjoys?

Social anxiety is awful but often better out of peer group - would he consider volunteering with local cubs or similar or at an old folks club? Baby steps to build up his confidence and re learn skills?

I know 2 people who dropped out of Oxford in year 1.
One of them now has a fab job at HMRC and the other is in GCHQ.
It's not the end of the world. We are more than our qualifications or lack of them! His mental health is the most important thing and it sounds like you are dealing with that well.
I would be tempted to just write this year off. Let him stay home and get a little basic job to build his confidence while he thinks about his next move.

In terms of employment, it's far more important that he overcomes so ial anxiety than gets the degree.