I started miscarrying a baby I didn’t know I was pregnant with and have been trying to conceive for 2 years yesterday, so forgive me if I’m walking a bit slower than normal.
Yes, I was looking at my phone screen as I walked and at dining chairs, because I bled all over mine last night at the dinner table so I need to replace them with money I don’t have. It’s also a great distraction and a way to keep my head down, so when I inevitably burst into tears again at least my hair covers my face if I’m looking down.
I also look and feel like absolute shit due to the amount of bleeding I’ve done in the last 24 hours, yet still had to go to work today because right now telling my boss what’s happening is too much to deal with. I suspect that will need to change now since your moment of rage has left me too scared to travel by myself.
So yes, I probably was holding you up today as I walked up the stairs over the footbridge but shouting at me and calling me what you did was never going to speed me up. If you’ve ever tried to walk quickly whilst simoultaniously passing a blood clot, you’ll understand why.
You don’t understand though. You probably also don’t understand that shoulder barging me on your way past me and turning around to shout at me again to reiterate that I’m a ‘fat cow’ and ‘fucking oxygen thief’ also won’t speed me up, because today is a day for quiet and slow, not for speed.
I was quiet. I didn’t say a word to you because I knew if I opened my mouth all this would come tumbling out of me like pain vomit and you probably still wouldn’t get it.
Just know that today, you made a shit day worse and now I can’t leave my house because I’m frightened I’ll see you on my commute tomorrow or the day after or in a month and you’ll be there with your eye roll and shoulders. Even if you don’t acknowledge me or recognise me, seeing you will bring back this day and if there’s one day in history I never want to know again, it’s this day.
To the rest of you who saw what happened and left me silent and on my own to face him: fuck you too. I’m fat, it doesn’t mean I’m unworthy of protection or deserving of abuse. Even an ‘are you ok’ or another human by my side would have been enough. But you all stayed quiet and kept waking with your heads down. I didn’t even see a frown.
On a related but separate note, does anyone know how to make yourself feel safe?
Sorry, I needed to put that somewhere. Thanks for listening. 