To the man at the station who hurled abuse at me this evening..

[YellowCoatNoKnickers]

I started miscarrying a baby I didn’t know I was pregnant with and have been trying to conceive for 2 years yesterday, so forgive me if I’m walking a bit slower than normal.

Yes, I was looking at my phone screen as I walked and at dining chairs, because I bled all over mine last night at the dinner table so I need to replace them with money I don’t have. It’s also a great distraction and a way to keep my head down, so when I inevitably burst into tears again at least my hair covers my face if I’m looking down.

I also look and feel like absolute shit due to the amount of bleeding I’ve done in the last 24 hours, yet still had to go to work today because right now telling my boss what’s happening is too much to deal with. I suspect that will need to change now since your moment of rage has left me too scared to travel by myself.

So yes, I probably was holding you up today as I walked up the stairs over the footbridge but shouting at me and calling me what you did was never going to speed me up. If you’ve ever tried to walk quickly whilst simoultaniously passing a blood clot, you’ll understand why.

You don’t understand though. You probably also don’t understand that shoulder barging me on your way past me and turning around to shout at me again to reiterate that I’m a ‘fat cow’ and ‘fucking oxygen thief’ also won’t speed me up, because today is a day for quiet and slow, not for speed.

I was quiet. I didn’t say a word to you because I knew if I opened my mouth all this would come tumbling out of me like pain vomit and you probably still wouldn’t get it.

Just know that today, you made a shit day worse and now I can’t leave my house because I’m frightened I’ll see you on my commute tomorrow or the day after or in a month and you’ll be there with your eye roll and shoulders. Even if you don’t acknowledge me or recognise me, seeing you will bring back this day and if there’s one day in history I never want to know again, it’s this day.

To the rest of you who saw what happened and left me silent and on my own to face him: fuck you too. I’m fat, it doesn’t mean I’m unworthy of protection or deserving of abuse. Even an ‘are you ok’ or another human by my side would have been enough. But you all stayed quiet and kept waking with your heads down. I didn’t even see a frown.

On a related but separate note, does anyone know how to make yourself feel safe?

Sorry, I needed to put that somewhere. Thanks for listening.

So sorry that you are going through a miscarriage. I'm not surprised you have been so upset by the mans nasty outburst.

You don't have to tell your boss why you want to take a day off. If you really feel the need to give details then just make something up if you have to.

It's no excuse for the mans horrible behaviour but I know my husband gets really mad at people who look at screens while they are walking on stairs etc. He witnessed an nasty accident at a London Underground that he believes was caused by a young woman looking at her screen. Again, it's not an excuse for his behaviour but perhaps an explanation.

So sorry you had this experience!

You won’t fall to pieces by having a day off, although it may feel like it right now. You need to go through the grieving process.

And odds on, the guy is in a really bad place and suffering too, there’s more of those about than those that are just arseholes.

Sweetheart. 😔 Many of these 💐 to you.
It's posts like this where I want to go back in time and teleport in aaaaaall the Mumsnetters to stand in a loving, furious, avenging angel circle around you to make that horrible man feel so remorseful he wishes the ground would swallow him up.

If it helps at all, when you find yourself replaying the situation, put us all in the picture and remember, in our houses all over the place, we are thinking of you and sending you the warmest of healing vibes. ❤️

I’m so so sorry you are miscarrying Yellow. What a bastard he was. And I feel angry on your behalf that no one around you checked to see if you were ok after that inexcusable outburst. I hope starting this thread has shown you that there ARE lots of people who do care and are outraged and saddened on your behalf. Be kind to yourself and if you possibly can take some time off work. It’s ok to go to pieces. Sometimes it can help to just let out all your pain. Thinking of you after such a truly horrible experience xx

Oh go away zwellers

This is going to be long. Please don't feel you need to read it all. But I've a lot to say on this as someone who's come through the other side. I'm sorry you are going through this. I've dealt with multiple mcs and multiple abusive arse holes.
Yes his treatment of you was hurtful but don't let it cloud everything else. The issue is you. You need to look after you. Why can't you fall to pieces? I can't think of a more appropriate time if I'm honest. I see and hear this ALL the time but it really is ok to not be ok. Falling apart means you can put yourself back together and leave out the parts that harm you. Take some time and be kind to yourself. Dont make the mistake of toughing it out because you feel you should or have to. Practicality wise cover the chairs for now. Or get rid. I behaved very disproportionately during my mc. I felt the need to be normal and it had the effect of making everything decidedly unnormal. I had to just carry on, women mc every day and move on don't they? I'm not special. As it turned out I should have stuck to my guns and refused to be discharged from hospital. I ruined our passenger seat, couch, living room carpet and bathroom lino. Dh was so shocked and frightened. He rang the epu to ask advice and they told him that I needed an ambulance immediately. His mum turned up to look after the kids (who witnessed everything but thankfully don't seem to remember it other than their little brother not making it and going to stay with Granddad Barney in heaven. They came up with that and it seemed to comfort them )
Anyway in my confused mind I was more concerned that the paramedics shouldn't see the blood. In my head I can now eye roll at myself and find it amusing that Im wearing a beach towel as a sanitary towel over which Ive made dh find me some black leggings to hold it up. Mil like I said was there and im asking her for advice on bloodstain removal. I can hear the sirens in the distance and I'm shouting at dh to find a rug to cover the carpet. The paramedics were lovely but the stretcher couldn't be manouvered through the door of our very tiny terraced house. They are deciding what to do (fire brigade to remove door frame or window?) and me high on gas and air ( the only pain relief I could have) insisted on walking outside and collapsing on to the stretcher. I don't remember much past this. Dh said while being blue lit and sirens to hospital I was constantly apologising for wasting their time and being an embarrassment. Oh and not to tell my neighbours as the shame was too much. Then sobbing and apologising to dh for losing his baby. My temperature was sky high and I kept drifting into sleep. Apparently I was 3 minutes from death. Time wise I was 14 weeks pregnant but the embryo was 11 weeks size. I was slowly being poisoned. The day before was the day I found out it wasn't to be. It was a few days before Christmas and the doctor said the "abortion" would come away naturally and it would be like a heavy period, no pain other than cramping and to get on with life. Nothing against abortion im fully pro choice. This just wasnt one but wasnt in the mood to debate terminology with a very snippy and harrassed doctor. Anyway I was told to go back for a scan in 3 days. Dh asked me what I wanted to do and I asked if I could stay. I was told it wasnt necessary and that I should go about my every day business. (At this point I'm not yet bleeding other than spotting and noticing that my boobs didn't hurt anymore and my appetite was normal again. I'd turned up at the epu, I was scanned and that's when we were told. Something felt very off. I had the feeling I shouldn't leave but the doctor was very insistent I "carry on as normal" and I could see I was really testing her patience.Well it was in Boots an hour after being kicked out that I felt a pop followed by a weird dropping sensation. I dumped my basket and went to the toilet. I was pushing dd in her buggy and went into one of those parent baby cubicles. My jeans were sodden and it looked like a crime scene by the time I pulled myself together to deal with the situation. You know what I did next? Used every baby wipe and piece of loo roll cleaning up before I left. Dh had no idea where I was and some bloke (trafford centre red coat) opened the door looking for me. The lady who helped me that day was an angel and I was gutted that I didn't get her details. She was a passer by waiting for her friend to finish in the loo. She saw me covered in blood and realised what was happening. I was trying to stop the man who'd opened the door from seeing the cubicle and trying to persuade him to find me a mop so I could clean. Dh has no idea what's happening as I'd sent him to put shopping in the car with ds. He couldn't find me when he came back and guessed where I'd be. The lady came over to see if I needed help and said there wasnt much to clean up. (I'd done my best but it wasnt spotless) She gave me her scarf to wrap around my waist and walked behind me with her coat open all the way to the car. I didnt get any detail other than she was called Theresa. She insisted that I kept the scarf to use when I got out again. It was a pink and black lipsy one that I hung on to and became dd2 comfort blanket when she arrived. Why I insisted on going home rather than back to the hospital I'll never know. The only feeling that felt bizarre but overwhelming was guilt and/or embarrassment. I kick myself when I think about the one big long fuck up of a day that was. Not only was something really sad happening to me I failed to stand up for myself and made increasingly worse decisions (because I was delirious from being poisoned and having a temperature as it turned out). Dh just went along with whatever I wanted. He had no idea and didn't know what to do for the best (when I had my second mc he had me in St Mary's as soon as I told him I was spotting and luckily the POC as they called it passed uneventfully as I was put on a drip with antibiotics and paracetamol). I was contacted by PALS. I told them I didn't feel it necessary to take anything further. As far as I was concerned I felt lucky to be alive to care for my other children. Although I didn't wish to complain about my experience I should've spoken about it with someone and taken up the offer of counselling. From the posts I read on here from time to time it seems a lot has changed in the past 12 years. Please look after yourself.

Sorry about the wall of text. I did try paragraphing it.

Yellow, Joanie and everyone else who has been through MC.
There's more of us than we'll ever know. 🌟

OP another person saying we care. Please look after yourself. Great advice from Joanie & others this is a trauma, both emotionally & psychologically.

Please be kind to yourself & rest tomorrow instead of work

To all the ladies heee who have lost their babies I am so sorry

^sirry that should have said emotionally & physically

Can I just say thanks to the op? Writing all that down was tough but it's the best thing I've done in a while. I've struggled to get back into a routine and my sleep patterns are fecked. I fell asleep after that post. I think I needed to get it out of my head. Thanks to you I did. I hope you're doing better.

Hope you are feeling a little better today OP- people are thinking of you

You know sometimes I despair at some of the responses to people's threads on here and feel that some posters are v harsh but threads like this restore my mn faith entirely. So many lovely responses and so many of us thinking of you so really hope you get a small measure of comfort from that xxx

You poor thing, you, and everyone deserve better

Hope you have a better day Yellow. You are in my thoughts. Look after yourself and an unmumsnetty hug

Thanks everyone

I’m doing much better today. Bleeding has reduced loads and I’m holding it together at work.

I still don’t feel like telling anyone, but I’ll get there eventually.

I feel mostly guilty at the moment. Didn’t know I was pregnant and it feels wrong that the baby was never acknowledged or celebrated.

I’m aware this is bat shit.

So glad to hear you’re doing better today Yellow and the bleeding is slowing down. For so many women, the first they know about a pregnancy is when they MC. Its normal for your feelings and emotions to be all over the place at the moment so just be nice to yourself and If you can, to get some rest and downtime over the weekend .

I completely understand the part about feeling guilty. I gave mine a little nickname, and I sometimes whisper hello to it. It comforts me to acknowledge that it was there- even for a short time, even though I only found out just before it left me.

Take care of yourself and rest. X

How are you doing today op? I know it's early days but hope you feel a bit better

If he deliberately barged into you and verbally abused you I would think about going to the police. People may think that’s OTT but i strongly believe that people shouldn’t be able to get away with this.

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss.

However, in the kindest possible way, he had no idea you were pregnant or miscarrying. How could he? If I saw someone going very slowly up stairs in a busy station on their phone I'd probably be cross too!

There was no excuse for what he did or what he said, though - even if he has 'stuff' going on in his life too. Maybe he thought you were being selfish.

But why on earth not ring in sick yesterday? No need to say what's going on - just say you have D&V or a bad cold. You don't need to keep going - take care of yourself.

You have no need to feel guilty. And you can still name and acknowledge your baby.