Worst Chat Up Line Ever

[HouseOfGoldandBones]

Was in the barbers this week with DS(14) & while he was getting cut, I was sitting waiting, just playing on my phone.

A man came in (about 10 years older than me) & started chatting to me, he seemed a little socially awkward, but we were having a pleasant enough conversation about the festive period, and he was definitely flirting. I offered up that I was just getting over the cold, but still had a bit of a cough & a runny nose.

His response was "ooooh, I do like a bitch with a wet nose"

He wasn't being malicious, but a poorly judged comment.

I think this is definitely the worst chat up line I've ever received.

"Show us your burger and I'll buy you one."

Said to a girl outside a club, stood by a burger stand.

A bloke looked me up and down, sighed and said ‘aye you’ll do.’

I did not do, in fact I just laughed and walked the fuck away.

Years ago at university, incredibly sleezy looking guy came over to our group.

Hey ladies 😉 what wanks and fucks like a tiger.

blank looks all around

Me, so line up or I can do you all together, it's not bother for me!

We did not line up

A Scotsman once asked if I had any Scottish in me? I declared "no" and was promptly asked " did I want any in me?". Been married 30 years.

I once overhead a work colleague (we'll call him Mick purely because it rhymes with Dick, which is exactly what he was) discussing me with another colleague. Mick said to other colleague "Yeah I like Hilda, but I'm not after anything serious. I just want a quick fuck".

He was completely unaware that I was standing behind him. I tapped him on the shoulder, he turned around and I said "Fuck off Mick. Now, was that quick enough for you"?

Other colleague fell around laughing as Mick the Dick fled the office in a hurry.

Not me, but my DP tells tales of his time at Liverpool Uni when the local’s standard chat up line was to shout across the street to passing women ‘don’t be nasty (nas-ty) show us your pasty (pas-ty)

Apparently it worked occasionally .......

these are great!

I have 2

1. happened to me in a pub in Birmingham where we were celebrating my grandma's 80th birthday. a rather charming gent I'd never met before (and nothing to do with our party) asked: 'do ya fancy a fuck?' . subtle.

2. my sister's mate at a club in the 80s, posing and trying to look cool. bloke comes up ' you want to dance?' she responds with a (cool) sneer 'no thanks, I'm not desperate', In a heartbeat, he retorts 'well I am!' brilliant. she deserved it

Flatmate at uni’s friend (who I’d never met before) came into our living room, sat down next to me on the sofa and said “so are we going to have sex then?”

We did not.

Walking down the street. Toothless guy walking on the path across the road shouts

“Hey love can I ask. Are you a single mother?”

Me, confused: “No...”

Him: “do you wanna be?!?”

Reader I —didn’t— marry him

Some of these sound like attempts at negging, so I can't resist linking this: xkcd.com/1027/

Unfortunately I can't think of any funny examples myself. In university someone I very vaguely knew asked me if I wanted to take him back to my place to show him my CD collection. Luckily I was bored and at that moment fancied the distraction, so back to my place we went (not to look at CDs).

“Are you a British citizen?”

Because they were clearly looking for love...

Very popular chat up line in that particular bar that night

A long time a go a chap with a fabulous Scottish accent came and stood next to me at a bar and opened the conversation with “I find myself strangely attracted to you”

A bloke came 'dancing' (I use the term loosely) up to me in a club and declared 'I want to lay you like a carpet'.

I once had a guy subtly shout "Show us your cunt" from a car window. What a catch he will be for some lucky lady!

The one that one of my housemates when I was at university recounted (I don't know whether it was genuine) went...

Her (i.e. the flatmate): Do you want to come back to mine for sex and biscuits?

Him: Errm. What biscuits have you got?

"I've only got a little dick, but I've got seventeen stone to push it in with!"

^

A guy came up to me in the street and asked if I had the time, I was just about to oblige when I noticed he was wearing a watch. When I pointed it out he gave a creepy laugh and went on his way. Lucky escape methinks!

Famous, probably mythical Yorkshire chat up line -
Eeeeeh, you don't sweat much for a fat lass!
Classy.

'Hello my name is Boris Johnson' would seem the worst.

My willy is like a mushroom in a field of hair

How do you like your eggs in the morning. Fertiillised or unfertillisd

A friend once received the wonderful line 'fancy a dabble you sexy slag?' Needless to say she did not.

I have been reminded of another one: "Would you like to go halves on a bastard?"

To a friend of mine in a pub in rural Limerick in about 1993, on a very cold winter night: ‘You’d give a snowman the horn.’

Thought that actually sounds quite romantic compared to some above.