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How DO you move on from petty injustices?

29 replies

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 08/01/2019 12:42

Ok so I booked a charity event for two families (booked online). Not something I particularly want to go to but it's local and I'd like to support the charity for various reasons. A couple of hours later I realised I'd booked one ticket too many. I emailed to ask if they could refund the extra ticket. Nope. Tickets are non refundable (which I knew). I know that's the terms and conditions but felt an error noticed within hours for an event in April deserved a little goodwill.

But boy do I feel the injustice - not helped by the brevity of the reply both times I have asked. I know people at the charity, it would be embarrassing to push any further.

But I'm so annoyed and I know basically I am annoyed because I feel someone's won and I haven't got my own way rather than the fact that the money will make a difference to me. Isn't that awful ? In my head I keep constructing snarky replies and letters to the charity chair/trustees and wondering about wording which would make them regret their actions, and thinking to myself I just won't buy any drinks on the night (of course I would not do this, I actually want to support the charity).

This is all in my own head but I need my head back. The reason I am posting is because it happens pretty often. All smooth sailing on the surface but underneath petty injustices are wreaking havoc. In a couple of days I'll forget, but why can't I forget now and do my tax return instead of drafting imaginary messages.

OP posts:
paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 08/01/2019 12:43

Ok that was cathartic.

OP posts:
JustMarriedAndLovingIt · 08/01/2019 12:48

Are you me???!!! I SO get this 🤦‍♀️ I realised within seconds of pressing the button that I didn’t need to book baggage on WOW air yet they refused to refund me. I was talking to someone around 10 minutes after doing it but no, £70 down the drain. I was raging and took me a couple of days to calm down.

Bumblebee39 · 08/01/2019 12:50

My whole life just seems like a series of petty injustices and honestly it's really starting to piss me off

Springmachine · 08/01/2019 12:51

Same, so many things that if I add them up I'd just cry

Hadalifeonce · 08/01/2019 12:54

I am very similar, I feel sometimes it wouldn't be quite so bad if the person you are talking to has some sympathy for the situation, but in my experience it's usually someone who basically says they couldn't care less.

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 08/01/2019 12:55

See but we're the ones who are losing out. For me the person rubbing their hands with glee because they've made some extra cash is getting on with their day while I have just told a friend I have to cancel plans because I have wasted the day put aside to do my tax return. I need to stop it!

OP posts:
AgathaMisty · 08/01/2019 12:58

My whole life just seems like a series of petty injustices and honestly it's really starting to piss me off

This! I've tried practising gratitude, which no doubt someone will come on to say, but it doesn't make a blind bit of difference and feels completely "fake". Yes, I know how lucky I am to have my health, live in a country where women have rights, a job that I love, etc, etc but it doesn't stop me feeling the rage about these petty injustices!

AgathaMisty · 08/01/2019 13:00

Yes, it's just so annoying when they don't even try to show any goodwill for an obvious mistake.

yakari · 08/01/2019 13:00

I think it's a case of things being the last straw.
Sometimes people are wound up so tight that a tiny thing happens, and it should be easy to solve and then for what seems like no good reason it can't be solved --- and 💥
You can't fix the bigger stuff, the stuff that was actually winding you up so you fixate on the tiny thing and all the responses or ways you can right the perceived wrong.

Or you know ... that could just be me 😳

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 08/01/2019 13:04

It’s nice to find my people! Those of us who get upset when we are charged a 1.5% credit card fee on a purchase when I paid cash, but I can’t do anything about it as I only noticed on the receipt now and it was when I was in another city earlier today. I will stew about this all night.

It’s nice to think you all understand my pain.

A friend of mine recommended reiki to address this (ie, let go past hurts etc to move on). I am not very ‘woo’ at all, but I have been and I think it’s helping.

Apart from this obviously outrageous credit card fee, that is.

AgathaMisty · 08/01/2019 15:30

I think it's a case of things being the last straw. Sometimes people are wound up so tight that a tiny thing happens and it should be easy to solve and then for what seems like no good reason it can't be solved --- and 💥

So true. In fact, I remember my therapist saying that to me and it felt like a lightbulb moment.

Miane · 08/01/2019 15:35

It’s not an injustice though. It’s a mistake.

An annoying mistake I’ll grant you, buy a mistake.

Just invite another person along. Or offer the ticket on FB.

It might help to adjust your perspective on this.

It’s not an “injustice” - no one deliberately did anything bad to you.

No one was unfair to you in any way.

It was a mistake. It hasn’t harmed you. It was just a little bit annoying.

Take a deep breath and move on.

AgathaMisty · 08/01/2019 15:44

It’s not an “injustice” - no one deliberately did anything bad to you.

The buying an extra ticket was a mistake which is annoying. I feel that OP felt the sense of injustice because the person she emailed refused to show her any goodwill when it was clearly an accident as she contacted them immediately. There was no common sense used, no feeling of "we're a charity and depend in people's goodwill so of course we'll help out a customer we value".

Everyone makes mistakes and we have to suck it up when a company does it to us but when it's a silly mistake we make there is zero leeway which is frustrating. In this case, the company could easily have resold the ticket seeing as the event is in April!

Eve · 08/01/2019 16:00

I volunteer for a sports club - I have volunteered for years and run competitions for years raising 1000's for them.

At the weekend I had over 100 kids competing in a competition, took me hours and hours of preparation, it run to within a minute of the schedule all day and lots of happy competitors.

I had 1 complaint on results that I rejected as the rules say any complaint to be made withing 30 minutes of the incident, not 2 hours later. I am by nature firm and direct and don't sugar coat but not rude.

Today I am subject of an email to the chairperson complaining about my attitude from this member from another club all because she didn't like the answer she was given. I'm trying to shake it off but I'm pissed of and annoyed and in my head I have been composing emails to the volunteer manager at the charity's head office.

OneStepMoreFun · 08/01/2019 16:03

Best way to get over it is to take an honets look at all the times life has overlooked others to give you the best luck or advantage. Then you get to realise it all evens out.
Never been sent something free by mistake in a delivery? Or been given stuff 'on the house' when others haven't? Etc.

EllaEllaE · 08/01/2019 16:12

Because my three year old has just discovered Frozen, I was reading your post with the soundtrack Let It Goooooo!!

But in all seriousness -- the solution to this is in your hands, if you want to change it. You have to learn to let it go rather than try and change the past through wishing it different.

If feeling angry about petty things makes you unhappy, you could do something to change. But you have to be honest with yourself: do you like the feeling of stewing in a sense of anger and rage over small petty things? If you dothen all power to you (but maybe don't be surprised if you're stressed out or other people don't like hearing it!) If you don't like getting so wound up by petty things, then you can change your reaction. But the one thing you can't do is stop the world from serving you up occasional irritations. There will always be accidents, mistakes, slights, etc the snarkiest, sharpest comeback you can possibly imagine in your head won't actually save you from irritating things happening again some time in the future.

If you actually want to make it easier for yourself to stop getting upset about petty things try this: Separate out the thing that happened and is now in the past (the mistake over the tickets) from the thing that's making you feel crappy in the present (constantly stewing and ruminating over it, running scenarios through your head, etc). Ask yourself: How much misery did the thing that happened cause? Then how much extra misery is the ruminating causing? Add the two together, then then ask yourself: is the extra misery worth it, is it doing anything to help me get over the initial thing that happened, or is it just additional unhappiness?

You brought an extra ticket by mistake. Even though you'd like a refund, its not going to happen. That's done and dusted; you can't change that one bad thing that's happened to you now. But the second bad thing that's happening to you is this feeling of anger and irritation and ruminating. That's the thing that is, as you put it, taking over your head -- not the actual ticket mistake. If you really do want your head back, you can: you have to admit to yourself that the thing that's upsetting you now is your rumination, not the actual ticket mistake.

A (rather extreme) example but here goes: just before christmas, my partner spilt wine over my laptop. Laptop died instantly, with no chance to recover any of my data, and I don't have the money to replace it. So that was a really, really crappy thing to happen. But the worst had already happened! No amount of cursing and crying was going to undo it and bring my poor wine drenched macbook back to life. If I'd spent the next week being angry and upset about it, the only extra thing I would have achieved is ruining christmas and making my partner feel ashamed for what was, after all, an accident. I'd have just given myself more misery, if I'd carried on ruminating about it.

AgathaMisty · 08/01/2019 16:17

Best way to get over it is to take an honets look at all the times life has overlooked others to give you the best luck or advantage. Then you get to realise it all evens out.
That's a good way of looking at it!

SandAndSea · 08/01/2019 16:18

I'm probably missing the point of the thread but are you protected by distant selling regulations?

(A well known restaurant recently over-charged me over £4 and I'm just so done with them.)

ChakiraChakra · 08/01/2019 16:19

The one that works for me quite often is wondering, "in 5 years time will I even remember about this, and/or will it still be a big issue?" And/or "when I'm on my deathbed and the highlights film reel is running, will this be on it?"

Because life is too short to waste my energy on the little stuff. Occasionally, usually a family or friend death or major illness reminds us rather firmly of that. Xxx

Miane · 08/01/2019 16:24

In this case, the company could easily have resold the ticket seeing as the event is in April!

We don’t know that Agatha. We don’t know that they “refused to show goodwill”. There could be very good reasons that refunds aren’t possible.

The OP says that she knew refunds weren’t possible before she booked so the responsibility was hers to double check, not the charity’s to sort out.

Life doesn’t always go our way but it’s important to keep things in perspective.

GallicosCats · 08/01/2019 16:29

Ella, your Macbook accident has made me realise why insurance and backups exist - I reckon that anger and annoyance are a pretty good incentive to get this stuff sorted. If there is any chance of improving the situation by challenging petty injustices then I actually think it's worth being a bit unreasonable (George Bernard Shaw style) in the process.

sickmumma · 08/01/2019 16:36

In that situation I would think yes it's annoying and the person could have probably refunded but at the same time it's for charity so at least it's going to a good cause! You learn to let the little things lie and if you dwell on them no good would come of it! But then I've always been the person that doesn't make a fuss (perhaps seen as a pushover but I feel I'm not I just pick my battles) and believe in karma.

MargoLovebutter · 08/01/2019 16:51

EllaEllaE I like your way of thinking but isn't there is a danger that you end up suppressing your feelings and you are just deceiving yourself but the feelings are all still inside you somewhere?

JustanotherCHRISTMASuser01 · 08/01/2019 16:52

yep - I really hate (to the point of it bothering me a lot) when i buy something and then it goes in the sale. I am obviously more than happy for a bargain but boy if I pay a few quid too much!

MissionItsPossible · 08/01/2019 17:59

I love that post @EllaEllaE

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