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Original poster

I thi k I have PND and I'm terrified

51 replies

Mississippilessly · 08/01/2019 11:19

My baby doesn't sleep well at night. He naps in his sling so I cant nap then. Next door are having an extension so it's never peaceful. I lost it at DH this morning. I wanted to throw something (not at him to be clear) out of sheer frustration and exhaustion. The only thing to hand was my phone and the cable. So I flailed the cable around. It caught him and he absolutely lost it at me. He called me a child. He has said he cant be certain I wouldn't hurt DS. It has crushed me and he cant see why.
He is going back to work tomorrow and I'm dreading being alone. I am supposed to.be having some girls around on Thursday evening and I'm dreading it. We have DS's baptism on Sunday and have a houseful Saturday.
DH has taken the baby for a walk for a nap. I'm supposed to be sleeping but I'm just lying here sobbing..

OP posts:
Original poster
Mississippilessly · 11/01/2019 14:19

Thanks everyone. I'm not suicidal. Just feel like a failure. All I think about is his sleep. I cant remember the last time I had any time off. I had DS weighed today and the HV told me I was making a rod for my own back by letting him sleep in the sling but not to worry, I can do CIO at 6 months. SadHmm

OP posts:
CrookedMe · 11/01/2019 14:21

Listen, you can't fail at being a parent if you're doing your best to look after your baby. It's not a one size fits all sort of thing. Everyone gets through the early days in their own way. If you're feeding him and loving him, you're doing it right!

Original poster
Mississippilessly · 11/01/2019 14:34

Well I'm doing that at least. The internet doesn't help. MN is amazing but I'm overwhelmed by websites with schedules and different theories. Too much for me to deal with.

OP posts:

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CrookedMe · 11/01/2019 14:51

Your baby has never read the schedules and theories, so neither should you. Don't look too far ahead, if you find something that works today or this week, then go with it if it lets you rest.

Macaroonmayhem · 11/01/2019 15:00

I know your HV is a bit rubbish but could you ask them which GP would be best to see? I always remember mine saying in the early days if you feel you are struggling and want to see a doctor, talk to me first and I’ll tell you who is best to see. They’ll probably get you in quicker too. Alternatively, does your practice have an emergency same-day process? At ours we phone first thing, speak to a triage nurse, and she decides if you need seen either by her or a gp that day.

I know it feels overwhelming, but the very fact that you know somethings not right and you are trying your best to see someone about it is a tremendously positive thing.

Original poster
Mississippilessly · 11/01/2019 19:03

A friend told me that this GP was very good when she went to him with mental health issues so hopefully he is worth the wait.

It's just so hard to know if I have PND or I'm just bloody exhausted. I struggle to imagine anyone would enjoy this life given the lack of sleep.

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WakeUpFromYourDreamAndScream · 13/01/2019 21:57

How are you doing OP?

Original poster
Mississippilessly · 13/01/2019 22:23

Really up and down. I'm struggling to skeep because I feel so much pressure to nod off. Last night I didnt manage sleep til 2.30.

I'm.just so very very tired. Last night I lost it st DH again. I also said I wish I'd had an abortion which is a horrific thing to say.

OP posts:
Macaroonmayhem · 13/01/2019 23:04

That’s the tiredness and the illness speaking, not you. Flowers

whatsnewchoochoo · 13/01/2019 23:20

I've not read the whole thread but I saw the last post about struggling to sleep. I had this too when DS was little and used an app called sleep well (it's a sleep hypnosis app) with earphones (I could still hear baby) - honestly consider using it or something similar. It always worked for me

Take care Thanks

WakeUpFromYourDreamAndScream · 14/01/2019 10:58

Have you managed to speak to your GP or HV? Where do you live OP? Have you a Homestart service near you?

WakeUpFromYourDreamAndScream · 14/01/2019 10:58

Have you managed to speak to your GP or HV? Where do you live OP? Have you a Homestart service near you?

Hadalifeonce · 14/01/2019 11:06

OP are you swaddling your little one? I was having trouble with mine wanting to sleep being cuddled, someone suggested swaddling as it wraps them up and they can feel more secure.

Original poster
Mississippilessly · 14/01/2019 11:12

I have my appt with my GP in a week

OP posts:
namechangedbutneedadvice · 14/01/2019 11:19

Ah OP Flowers you're fooking knackered and rightly so... I found the baby years the hardest. They nearly killed me. Neither of my DDs were reliable nappers but my eldest was very high needs. I literally couldn't put her down - I looked and felt dreadful and had to do most of the night feeds and rocking her back to sleep. And I'd often have outbursts because I was so tired and irritable. Oh and anxious.

I had PND with my youngest and that was pretty horrible. I definitely felt 'altered' rather than just shattered - wasn't suicidal but constantly crying and wondering what the point of me/life was and how could I have dared to bring a child into the world. I got counselling and it helped and the PND eventually passed. Wait for this good GP and see if you can lighten the load even a little until you can see him/her. Take all the shortcuts you can and take help when it's offered. Pre-event nerves will always make things worse so start the ball rolling with the GP appt and look forward to the baptism being done (and having been lovely... don't mean to be dismissive) and no people staying etc.

Oh and a word on guilt.... it's endless as a mother. And empty and lonely. Try to at least be aware of it... and know that you're doing the best you possibly can Flowers

kickerss · 14/01/2019 11:34

Hope you are ok. i have an almost 5 month old who is the same. She only sleeps on me then I have to try to transfer her to her crib which wakes her up 90% of the time. I got 1 hours sleep last night and two hours the night before. I am often in tears through lack of sleep. I have questioned whether I have PND but I really don't think I do, nothing will make me feel better apart from sleep. Hope it gets better for you soon. Don't be afraid to cancel on friends and visitors you need to put yourself and your sleep above everything else.

Original poster
Mississippilessly · 14/01/2019 11:45

I bloody love mumsnet.
Baptism over which is a relief. DH WFH a bit this week so can take him a bit more
Currently rocking him to sleep in our darkened bedroom. Things always seem better in the day.
Kickerss I'm sorry to hear you are the same. DH took him for 2.5 hrs this morning so at least I got some sleep. Do u have any support?

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MaverickSnoopy · 14/01/2019 12:01

My second was just like this and I felt just as you have described. Certainly in my case it was exhaustion and not pnd.

She would only ever sleep in a sling up until 7mo. I hated it at first and I never got to sleep in the day BUT in the end I found it liberating. I could do housework, cook and go on the computer all with her in the sling. I would also sometimes just sit and drink tea and watch Netflix. Is there anyway you can utilise the time?

I agree about expressing for night feeds. Would you consider a bottle of formula if not? I understand if you don't want to go down that path. I just know the sheer desperation for sleep.

Original poster
Mississippilessly · 14/01/2019 12:23

Macerick oh I've tried formula - I'm not precious. He spat it out. I think he might just be a bit of a dick.

Well sometimes he sleeps through anything in the sling, othertines anything wakes him up. I'm trying to get him used to napping only in the bedroom, even if it is on me. No idea of 5hats the right thing to do. I'd much rather go downstairs ans watch TV. The laptop is playing white noise. I could get some headphones though and set up Netflix on my phone.

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kickerss · 14/01/2019 12:43

Yeah I have support my partner takes her when he gets home but like you say it's hard to sleep when you feel like you can't switch off. I also find expressing difficult as I can't put her down long enough in the day to do it. I am adamant that this will be my only baby could not do this again.

Think you should try Netflix. I had a phase of watching back to back Friends and it passes the night quicker.

HawkeyeInConfusion · 14/01/2019 12:49

Do you have HomeStart in your area OP.

And sending Cake and Brew. Sleep deprivation is shit.

Original poster
Mississippilessly · 14/01/2019 12:58

HawkeyeInConfusion nearest one is about 25 mins away

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WakeUpFromYourDreamAndScream · 14/01/2019 19:15

OP contact Homestart, they'll be able to send someone to help you in the day, you'll be able to sleep and have some you time

TheCrowFromBelow · 14/01/2019 19:43

Hello I was in your shoes and DS1 didn’t sleep for 4 hours on the trot for ages - literally months.
It was awful. I didn’t have PND but was completely shattered.
I co slept by having DS in one half of the bed, me in the other half and DP on the sofa bed.
It was not ideal but at least we weren’t both knackered and I slept when DP got up after DS had had first feed of the morning and before he went to work.
I’m pleased to report that it does pass, DAs1 is now 14 and we have the opposite problem. But it feels endlessly horrendous and unrelenting when you’re going through it.

Original poster
Mississippilessly · 14/01/2019 19:50

Will they?! That's amazing!
Will contact them. Thank you.

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