Why does my son act like I hate him?!

[Mummysharkdoodoodoo]

Ds is middle child and is 9. He’s always been a whiney child. He was diagnosed with global development delay at 3 but has caught up loads and very smart. Problem is he gets upset over everything. He rolls his eyes at me and honestly the look he gives me sometimes scares me. His dad was abshive (I left when he was 4) and was in prison for throwing boiling water over his mum, this honestly terrifies me.

He acts like I beat him. If he’s rude and slams his door etc I do raise my voice , I tell him he’s being naughty and it’s upsetting me, but I don’t shout. I rarely shout. But he says I’m screaming at him?! Everyone in the room can vouch that I don’t shout, just raise my voice but if you try and explain that he starts crying and saying we hate him?!! His sister will question or tell him when he’s being rude and he says it’s because she hates him. No one has ever said we hate him! It’s driving me insane and I’m at breaking point with it.

I’m honestly worried. I tell him constantly I love him and hug/kiss him. But if he honestly thinks we all hate him then how is he going to be when he’s older?! What if he does something stupid? I’m also worried he will tell the school I’m wuch a bad mum when I’m really not!

He actually told his step dad that he knows I don’t stick at my “threats” (like he will lose something etc) and that’s why him and his sister pushes it. 😩

This morning he’s just cried none stop because I told him off for slamming his door after telling him not too, when he’s dad is asleep (he’s on nights). 😩😩

Your child has been abused - has he received any counselling or support with this?

It sounds like there's a lot going on in his little head. And some kids are just more sensitive to a telling off than others: mine was one of those and was grief-stricken at even the mildest of criticisms.

Obviously, the background with his dad adds an extra dimension and it might be that he could do with some professional help just to unravel some of what's going on.

For some reason I didn’t even think of counselling, now I feel like a shit mum!!

I thought because he was young and he has an amazing step dad I thought he was ok 😩

He doesn’t have contact with his “dad”.

Where do I go for him to have counselling? Funny thing is my Dd who is 11 gets some sort of help at school! I think it’s bevause she shows her emotions at school where as ds loves school! He’s so popular and happy.

God I feel awful now 😩😩

GP is your fist port of call.

Also, you reaching the conclusion that you're a shit mum when you think you've got something wrong isn't a million miles away from your son thinking that you hate him. You're both reading a lot more into a situation than is actually there in front of you.

You can't think of everything OP. I can't see anywhere that he's been abused but if he knows what his dad was like, maybe it haunts him and he's scared. Counselling sounds like a good idea.

Just rang school! They are going to get the counselling lady to ring me! X

It’s very true that it haunts him. He said he wants to be a police man so he can arrest people like that.

God it breaks my heart. I try hard for him, we had a rough start. My mum died when he was 6 weeks old and I had horrendous pnd so didn’t bond for a long time, which is what the doctors blamed me for his gdd 😩

Aw you're not a shit mum. I can totally relate to your post my son has similar traits which really started at about 9 years old. The onset of puberty is definitely a factor. Have you tried love bombing? Sounds do-lally but it really helps me reconnect with my DS when we're going through stages like this. My DS has low self esteem too and frequently thinks I hate him and I wish I'd never had him. And I feel like when I discipline him he feels like it reinforces that view. It's really hard for us and then I'm sure.
You've done the right thing School should be able to provide support for him and for you - you'll find that improves when he goes to secondary.

You definitely not a shit Mum. You have noticed that your child is starting to struggle and you are arranging help for him. That a good Mum.

@Lavender00, can you explain more about what love bombing is & how it helped your DS?

I’m so glad I posted, Iv wrote the same thing numerous times and never pressed post.

It’s been going on a while, he will have days where he’s an absolute dream, we can chat and he’s so happy. Then days like this morning where I really have to bite my tongue to not shout.

I’m going to try the love bombing thing, he’s been asking to go swimming for ages but due to dhs shifts I’ve never had time away from youngest. I’m going to ask if he would like to go on Tuesday. I absolutely hate swimming and hate my body but I will do it for him.

@LeapinLizards I just make a real effort for a few hours or a day to really listen, not criticise, do things together - whatever he chooses so basically he is 'in charge' for the day and gets my full attention. I also give lots of praise and affection - sometimes regardless off his behaviour. It takes some patience especially when they are behaving in a way that doesn't make you want to. But I find his behaviour improves generally and it helps us reconnect and break the cycle of moaning/griping at each other and it makes him feel valued and important.
Of course in an ideal world he'd feel like that all the time!!

Having a great step-dad doesn't wipe the slate clean. It doesn't replace his dad. That's not how the world works. You can't just move another man into their lives and expect them to just forget about the past because you're ready to move on.

That was rude. I did not move a man into his life and hope it would wipe the slate clean. It took a year of dating to decide that he was good enough for my children to even meet him!!

Iv been with my dh for nearly 5 years, it’s not a little relationship.

The fact that you are going on about his great step-dad and how long you dated etc etc is proof you thought that moving a good man would wipe the slate clean. It doesn't. You called him his dad in your first post. He is not his dad. No matter how good a step dad he is he is not your sons dad. And not acknowledging that may be invalidating your sons past trauma in his head. How does he cope and deal with if he doesn't know how to talk about it because he has a new dad and their roles are blurry?

What the actual fuck? I’m sorry but he is their dad. You don’t have to be a biological related to be a father. He has supported emotionally and physically those children from day one. He’s the one who sits with them and helps them with homework, teaches them life skills like cooking, teaches them EXACTLY the same as our daughter. How dare you. The reason I say how amazing he is, bevause he bloody is!! He’s taken on so much when he hasn’t had too, he’s taken shit from my ex husband and still stayed. It was Dd and Ds choice to cut contact with their dad.

Kittedjest isn't being unfair, she's just pointing out that your DH, no matter how kind he is, isn't the same as being your son's father in your son's eyes.

Interestingly, he sounds JUST LIKE MY son. also Just 9, and I too had terrible PND. So thanks for posting this.

Mummy shark I think you’re right, your DH is their dad. If his biological dad was abusive and awful then that negates his role as Dad in my book. A Dad is a nurturing figure who loves unconditionally and it sounds like your DH is just this in your kids’ lives.
Sorry you’re having such a hard time.
I like the idea of love bobbing and will be trying that with my DS!

That should say love bombing

Thank you all. I feel defensive over it, I know how shit of a “dad” his biological dad is. He doesn’t see them at all, does provide a thing. He has never tried seeing them apart from 2017 where he saw them 4 times in a year and each time caused arguments etc at pick up/collection. He would be hours late to pick up leaving me and the kids waiting.

Dd and Ds used to cry having to see him.

Iv just washed my swimming costume, Tuesday is on! He will be so happy.

That’s brilliant. He will love having a day with you - and good on you for going out of your personal comfort zone just to do something lovely for him. You’re a great mum OP.

Thank you @Lavender00. It sounds great.

Can you figure out a time in your day just for the two of you? I sit with my eldest for ten minutes at night when the other dc is gone to sleep and we either chat, or he tells me about his lego or I read a few pages of his book.
Once he started reading independently we stopped having bedtime stories (he pushed me away) and he went through a stage of wanting privacy. I would get time with the younger dc because he was in school longer etc, or if they came shopping with me but it was rare that we’d get one on one time together.
Once I started having a night time chat again it really improved our relationship. He has asd and some behavioral issues and he’s not an easy child to get along with. I have to make a big effort not to continually give out and to watch my tone of voice, because without really intending to it can creep up on you. I gave out to his db one day and accidentally called him by the wrong name because without being aware of it, that’s the name I say when I’m giving out. It shocked me a bit to realize that I was speaking to them differently. My eldest is a bit more challenging to show love to, and to make him feel loved so I have to take that into account.

Ps don’t let the doctors make you feel responsible for your child’s condition. Every single professional I’ve dealt with has started from the premise that mum is wrong. It’s just standard operating procedure for special needs.

Thank you! When Dh is on lates he does get into bed with me sometimes and we have a snuggle. He’s such a cuddly boy.

But things like if I have Oldest sit on my knee and cuddle me he’s so jealous! Like he won’t even look at me and sometimes he’s cried. I’m going to try and be more aware of how I handle him compared to the other two.