Why does my son act like I hate him?!

[Mummysharkdoodoodoo]

Ds is middle child and is 9. He’s always been a whiney child. He was diagnosed with global development delay at 3 but has caught up loads and very smart. Problem is he gets upset over everything. He rolls his eyes at me and honestly the look he gives me sometimes scares me. His dad was abshive (I left when he was 4) and was in prison for throwing boiling water over his mum, this honestly terrifies me.

He acts like I beat him. If he’s rude and slams his door etc I do raise my voice , I tell him he’s being naughty and it’s upsetting me, but I don’t shout. I rarely shout. But he says I’m screaming at him?! Everyone in the room can vouch that I don’t shout, just raise my voice but if you try and explain that he starts crying and saying we hate him?!! His sister will question or tell him when he’s being rude and he says it’s because she hates him. No one has ever said we hate him! It’s driving me insane and I’m at breaking point with it.

I’m honestly worried. I tell him constantly I love him and hug/kiss him. But if he honestly thinks we all hate him then how is he going to be when he’s older?! What if he does something stupid? I’m also worried he will tell the school I’m wuch a bad mum when I’m really not!

He actually told his step dad that he knows I don’t stick at my “threats” (like he will lose something etc) and that’s why him and his sister pushes it. 😩

This morning he’s just cried none stop because I told him off for slamming his door after telling him not too, when he’s dad is asleep (he’s on nights). 😩😩

Just an update,
I have love bombed the heck out of him from the min he got home, so much so that he has spent all evening downstairs with us instead of shut in his room! He’s played lovely with his two sisters too!

Iv told him we are going swimming and he’s so happy! X

@Mummysharkdoodoodoo that's fabulous. Remember his feeling so you can use the technique again.
It's hard sometimes isn't it, but worth it. Go you x

Love your update @mummyshark.

Great update.

I wonder if a part of his behaviour is also fearing that he might become like his dad, like there’s some inevitability and that you hated his dad so maybe you will hate him too. It’s about 9 boys start to get a little bit more independent and aware of who they are and that they will become men - if he knows his dad was the violent man he appears to have been then perhaps a part of him is afraid that as he is half dad half mum he might have a bad side lurking in there? Has he seen photos of his dad and does he resemble him? By contrast even if he has no memory of him and he is never talked about he will perhaps feel there is a negative taboo about his real dad and therefore potentially the man that he may be destined to become.

Have a look at AHA parenting and the peaceful parent. Sounds like you have a sensitive DS and you might find a few tips on how to interact and also how old traumas and stresses might be causing him to overreact to small things in his daily life. You sound like a lovely person and Mum. www.ahaparenting.com www.peacefulparent.com/the-peaceful-parenting-philosophy/

@Apileofballyhoo I love AHA parenting
I wish I could gentle parent all the time!

God it’s getting worse!!

I was telling dh about a time I accidentally let go of ds pram when he was a baby because Dd dropped her dolls pram and I bent down to pick it up and let go of the pram and he rolled down a hill about a meter. He came in and said “so a dolls pram is more important than me? You loved the pram more than me?” Like full on crying! Like wtf?!! He accused me of trying to kill him!!

I’m going to get a doctors appointment:( it’s really really getting me down

He’s just told me some boys bully him at school because he plays fifa 18 and not 19, and that he’s not allowed on fortnite 😩😩

I was going to come on and say, 'he's a teenager, next question', but having read your OP and updates I can see it's much more complicated than that. I still think that being a boy and 9, the onset of puberty is probably significant, especially in his relationship with you, his mum.

Although he was only 4 when you separated from his abusive dad, those first 4 years are very formative years. I think that could well have impacted on his emotional development, whether or not he remembers it. Children that young sometimes have memories from that time about things witnessed or overheard, and of mummy being (understandably) upset. He could also be scared that BF will come back and be abusive again.

Even though his BF (biological F) is a bad 'un, and it sounds like your DS has a good 'un now in his DF, there can still be a feeling of abandonment and rejection for children with an absent parent, (thankfully absent, in this case).

It sounds like there's a lot of insecurity and anxiety. DS needs a lot of love, yes, but also firm boundaries. Consequences for not following the family rules for behaviour need to be enforced - he needs to be able to depend on you and his DF doing that. Children generally do feel safer and more secure with reliable boundaries.

Have a look at Attachment Disorder. It isn't just relevant to adopted children.

And all the very best. It sounds like there are real positives in your lives, but also that you've not had it easy.

@Mummysharkdoodoodoo keep calm, take some deep breathes and meet whatever he throws at you with love. Tomorrow is another day. Hope you manage a good nights sleep and feel stronger tomorrow.

I can’t believe the support I’m having from here. I thank you all. I just don’t know where to turn. I’m so worried he will do something when he’s older, like kill himswlf because I’m his head he believes we hate him no matter how many times we tell him we love him.

He saw some socks in new look last week he wanted. They said “cheat day” and had pizzas on them. At the time I didn’t think anything of it. Last night me and Dd went into town and she bought them with her own money and told him she bought him them because she loved him. He was so happy!!

I feel he can’t read people’s emotions at all, and obviously he needs this when he’s older! It scares me :(

We re going swimming tonight and he’s been so excited!

Mummysharkdoodoodoo i just wanted to say that you sound like a really good mum, you and your ds (and your family) will get there. It is good that you are hopefully helping him access counselling and that you are reaching out to your dr for help.

You all deserve to be happy, your ds deserves to work through his issues and you deserve to have help.

Good luck

Thank you xx

Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better. Don't think so far in advance honestly you're only making yourself worry. Just live in the now with him for now. I really do know how you feel I sometimes think things like that about my DS and I spiral with anxiety over it. Try not to let that happen xx

We had so much fun at swimming! It was lovely!