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Original poster

I’m going to fall out with DD ex stepmum and I really don’t want to

48 replies

Mariandidit · 08/01/2019 07:48

Long story short DDs father left when she was 1. Not acrimonious, we get on well, he’s a good father, pays well over the odds, has never missed contact (unless arranged beforehand for holidays etc, but he will have her when I go on holiday too).

He met another woman 3 years ago. They had a baby who is now a year old. From the outset he told me he didn’t want another child, she was on the pill etc etc. I talked to him at length about it, he couldn’t leave another child, DD is very close with the stepmum, he should wait and see how he felt when the baby arrived.

It was all basically a disaster. He doesn’t feel bonded to the baby. Stepmum is very over protective, fair enough PFB, I was probably the same with my firstborn. Three months ago he left. She was devastated, she was calling me all the time, I was trying to support her and had ex coming round also telling me how unhappy he had been. Just a mess.

So fast forward to now. She is refusing to let him see the child unsupervised. And only for 2 hours a week. He can’t be trusted with the child. She wouldn’t ever let him take the child out on his own. These are all things she has said to me. Except she knows damn well he has our DD all the time and is a good parent. I feel like it’s a slight on me. She says he doesn’t do anything with the baby. Only baths her and feeds her dinner. He will “never have her on own over her dead body”

I understand she is angry he has left. I’m angry with him for leaving! But it’s getting to the point where I can’t support her stance of not letting him have the child unsupervised.

WWYD?

OP posts:
BWatchWatcher · 08/01/2019 07:50

I would back away because this isn’t my problem.
This is your ex DH and his ex wife’s problem.

endofthelinefinally · 08/01/2019 07:51

It is nothing to do with you so it is best if you say nothing and don't get involved.

Hoppinggreen · 08/01/2019 07:52

You are over involved in a relationship that’s got nothing to do with you
When your ex was with this woman you might have needed some contact due to your daughter staying there but it’s not necessary now. I know you said she contacts you but you don’t have to respond
You are enjoying someone else’s drama far too much

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NotANotMan · 08/01/2019 07:53

Stop associating with the woman. Her viewpoint is nothing to do with your parenting it's all about punishing your ex. She's being awful but it's not your problem.

Original poster
Mariandidit · 08/01/2019 07:54

Exactly what I said I would do a few weeks ago.

However my DD misses her sister like crazy so we are FaceTiming so she can see her (gone from seeing her 2/3 times a week to nothing). Stepmum chooses the hour or so ex can see their child and it generally is when he has our DD.

So when we are FaceTiming she will be asking me have I seen ex, ex did this, ex did that etc etc

OP posts:
BooRad · 08/01/2019 07:54

This is between them. Just back away.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 08/01/2019 07:54

Nothing to do with you although why would you even entertain supporting a man who’s MO for walking out on a one year old child and then does it again a second time.

Original poster
Mariandidit · 08/01/2019 07:55

Generally is not when he has our DD

I’m not enjoying anyone’s fucking drama. It would be much better for me if there was no drama at all thank you

OP posts:
BooRad · 08/01/2019 07:55

Just tell her you don't know and don't want to get involved.

BooRad · 08/01/2019 07:57

You are getting yourself involved and it's very easy to change that. But if you won't see that there's not much point asking for advice as that's pretty much what everyone is going to say. There's nothing more to say.

NotANotMan · 08/01/2019 07:58

You need to stop the FaceTiming then if she's using it as an opportunity to quiz you about the ex. That's not in the interest of either child.

ecuse · 08/01/2019 07:59

She is the mother of your child's so long; you need to keep at least a cordial relationship with her if you possibly can.

This particular issue is none of your business. When she brings it up, you say: "honestly, I feel a bit stuck on the middle here; it's not really any of my business" and change the subject.

Don't fall out with her, but don't get involved in the drama. It's not your job to defend your ex.

TheCraicDealer · 08/01/2019 08:00

Step away and stop the FaceTiming. This is for them to sort out and It will have no positive effect if you stick your oar in. Focus on your DD and her relationship with her dad and provide him with an amount of support that you feel is reflective of your relationship as co-parents or friends. The best thing you can do for him is do as you have done, and provide further weight to his argument that he's co-parenting and raising one DD successfully already, so his ex's concerns have little basis in reality. I feel sorry for the woman but she's using the baby as a weapon and you/DD as a route to her ex and I would not be down with that.

Didiusfalco · 08/01/2019 08:00

You need to step back. Why do you need to support her stance or pass judgement either way? You could even tell her that you feel stuck in the middle and unable to comment. That would be reasonable. Wading in with your opinion on her behaviour is not necessary and is only going to lead to bad a relationship between your daughter and the ex-step mum/new baby.
To have bailed on two women with young babies your ex does sound like somewhat of a dick.

ecuse · 08/01/2019 08:00

*sibling not so long!

Miane · 08/01/2019 08:01

You need to start controlling these FaceTimes better. It’s not appropriate for her to be trashing your mutual ex in front of your daughter.

Step in stop her, tell her it’s inappropriate and direct the conversation back to your DD. If she can’t stay in point politely end the call.

AuntieStella · 08/01/2019 08:04

I suggest that you ask her if DD's contact with her sibling will be during their DDad's time (in which case, could she please arrange that with him) or if you can fi a scheduled time for the siblings (you would obviously be flexible when needed, but find that routine is what works best)

Both those outcomes minimise the amount of contact with her. As you cannot cease contact, because of the DC, I suggest you are very boring about everything else.

YepImafraidIchangeditagain · 08/01/2019 08:04

I'd keep my beak out.
You don't know the ins and outs of their relationship- only what he's told you.

You sound over-invested.
I hope your DD is getting to see her sibling, that would be my only concern.

MarthasGinYard · 08/01/2019 08:05

Not your issues

Your ex needs to stop making babies and leaving them.

Your dd doesn't need to FT to see a baby every day.

Girlundercover · 08/01/2019 08:05

He doesn’t really stick around does he? For such a great dad.

MrsBertBibby · 08/01/2019 08:08

What is your ex doing to resolve this?

Hoppinggreen · 08/01/2019 08:10

Contact between your child and her half sister is for your ex to arrange not you. You should have no contact or relationship with this woman.
If everything was amicable then it might be different but it’s not so keep away from her

Wheresthebeach · 08/01/2019 08:15

So he's walked out on a woman with a young child twice.

What a charmer.

I don't understand why you're getting involved with these conversations - you just say 'Sorry Second Ex Wife' but I'm not going to get involved for my DD's sake'.

ravenscaw · 08/01/2019 08:20

This is not your problem - why are you involved? You really can’t know what is going on between her and your DD dad but he does sound irresponsible and cold. You need to bat it all back to him, stop any communication with her - that can happen via her dad. It is not healthy for your DD to be ‘missing her sister like crazy’. Just distract her and say that’s for dad to organise.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 08/01/2019 08:20

I have no idea why you are getting so much shit on here op. It sounds like you have a good relationship with this woman and there is nothing wrong with that, I'd just talk to her about it.