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Original poster

I’m going to fall out with DD ex stepmum and I really don’t want to

48 replies

Mariandidit · 08/01/2019 07:48

Long story short DDs father left when she was 1. Not acrimonious, we get on well, he’s a good father, pays well over the odds, has never missed contact (unless arranged beforehand for holidays etc, but he will have her when I go on holiday too).

He met another woman 3 years ago. They had a baby who is now a year old. From the outset he told me he didn’t want another child, she was on the pill etc etc. I talked to him at length about it, he couldn’t leave another child, DD is very close with the stepmum, he should wait and see how he felt when the baby arrived.

It was all basically a disaster. He doesn’t feel bonded to the baby. Stepmum is very over protective, fair enough PFB, I was probably the same with my firstborn. Three months ago he left. She was devastated, she was calling me all the time, I was trying to support her and had ex coming round also telling me how unhappy he had been. Just a mess.

So fast forward to now. She is refusing to let him see the child unsupervised. And only for 2 hours a week. He can’t be trusted with the child. She wouldn’t ever let him take the child out on his own. These are all things she has said to me. Except she knows damn well he has our DD all the time and is a good parent. I feel like it’s a slight on me. She says he doesn’t do anything with the baby. Only baths her and feeds her dinner. He will “never have her on own over her dead body”

I understand she is angry he has left. I’m angry with him for leaving! But it’s getting to the point where I can’t support her stance of not letting him have the child unsupervised.

WWYD?

OP posts:

Palaver1 · 08/01/2019 08:30

It’s easier said than done how was she to know that everything would end with the father leaving.
Some comments are just so harsh.
OP you are right to feel uncomfortable that’s y you posted.
Unfortunately she’s upset at the moment and is trying to control the situation.
I would tell her one last time your thoughts and begin to gradually step back .Tell her less face timing no discussions either
It’s not fair to have the daughters suffer and she has been a nice step mum to Dd that’s y you feel obliged .I suppose.
Same time tell the father how you honestly feel .
They are putting you in an awkward situation

Ethel36 · 08/01/2019 08:32

Its nothing to do with you. You need to stay out of their business.

BonsoirBonsoir · 08/01/2019 08:35

I disagree with other posters: this is the OP’s problem because it is the OP’s DD’s problem. OP has to manage her DD’s distress at no longer seeing her stepmother and baby sister.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Relationship problems

OllyBJolly · 08/01/2019 08:39

It's only been three months since she was dumped by a serial impregnator demonstrating a total lack of responsibility. No wonder she's a mess. Interesting how OP is so positive about him but scathing about her.

But it’s getting to the point where I can’t support her stance of not letting him have the child unsupervised Absolutely not your place to have any opinion on this at all.

Not your circus- stay well clear.

BollocksToBrexit · 08/01/2019 08:42

You are way too involved in something which has absolutely nothing to do with you. You 'talked to him at length' about his relationship issues. Their relationship was doomed seeing as there were 3 people in it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/01/2019 08:43

The man needs to stop making babies and running away. As has been said, you can’t make her do anything so leave him to sort contact with his second child and step away from her.

diddl · 08/01/2019 08:46

" Except she knows damn well he has our DD all the time and is a good parent. "

No-he's a good parent to your daughter.

Doesn't follow that he's a good parent to her child also.

Sounds as if he needs to go to court for access.

It's surely then up to him to arranhe for his kids to see each other?

QueenieIsLost · 08/01/2019 08:47

How old is your dd?
I wouod leave her do the FaceTime with her ex step mum but wo being on the screen/call iyswim.
I think that, atm, the person who really needs your support is your dd. I would explain that to the stepmum and tell her you need to back off to concentrate on your dd as she has been so hurt by the split too, incl coming to terms with not seeing her sister as much as before.

Unfortunately, you can’t do anything about how bad the split is between your ex and his ex. You can’t do anything about how much he is going to see the baby (who is very young btw. I’m pretty sure most mothers would react the way she does. It’s nit the same to leave a 3 months old baby with their father than a 1+ year old).
Atm you’ve been the listening ear to both of them. Their hurts etc etc. And it’s taking it’s toll on you because your ure nit a counsellor they can offload on but actually someone who is involved in the whole thing (because of your dd). It’s impossible for you to be neutral. And you will get hurt more and more if you dont step back.
The one thing you can do is to model how good relation can be with your ex.

zzzzz · 08/01/2019 08:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenieIsLost · 08/01/2019 08:50

Sorry misread the fact the baby is now 1yo too.

Ben then I will maintain that it’s early days and she will still be very protective.
I suspect this is not the Issue of your relationship ex parenting that is the stumbling block but the way they are communicating.
Your ex needs to go through the courts to ask for access.

Wheresthebeach · 08/01/2019 09:04

She is probably fully aware that 'he hasn't bonded with the baby' as per your OP. Don't blame her for being protective. How awful.

Hogtini · 08/01/2019 09:17

You're way too involved with this, he was disrespectful to his partner to be discussing their relationship in such detail with you.

Keep it about your daughter, the lines are way too blurred here and it's going to implode on you.

Gazelda · 08/01/2019 09:33

She's got a new baby. Her DH has left. She's been made a fool of (she's wondering if people think she should have expected this because he has form). She thinks that the only person who will understand her is the person he did this to previously - you.

But she doesn't know that your ex has been confiding in you all along

Nor does she know that you disagree with her stance regarding contact.

I think you need to continue being kind and supportive. Continue to encourage contact between the siblings.

But be clear to her that you take a different view on their DF's involvement. Tell her that you'd rather concentrate your friendship on enabling a strong sibling relationship, rather than comparing how each of you manage things with the ex. Tell her you respect her opinion, but don't want to become further embroiled in her relationship with her shit if an ex.

differentnameforthis · 08/01/2019 09:42

So fast forward to now. She is refusing to let him see the child unsupervised. And only for 2 hours a week ... I understand she is angry he has left. I’m angry with him for leaving! But it’s getting to the point where I can’t support her stance of not letting him have the child unsupervised.

So he didn't want the baby
Didn't bond with the baby
Then he left her high and dry after 9 mths.

Yeah, it would take a while before I'd let my "dh" have our child in those circumstances too.

Doyoumind · 08/01/2019 09:46

You're not being fair to your DD letting this woman quiz you during calls. If you don't want them to stop, put your foot down and say they will only continue if the calls are for your DD and no discussion between the two of you or quizzing DD about her dad.

Advise your ex to seek legal advice and her that a court is unlikely to back up her stance and leave it at that. It's not for you to deal with.

differentnameforthis · 08/01/2019 09:51

There really is nothing more ironic than a parent who deosn't want a child, who doesn't bond with said child, which said parent then leaves, turning around saying "I wanna see my baby" like it's a fucking possession, not a person with feelings.

I'm on her side. Where has all this sudden change of heart come from in three months????

PanamaPattie · 08/01/2019 09:59

He didn’t want the baby. Left her mother just like he left you. Why are you involved? Your DD should get used to the fact that she may not see her sister. He is a fair weather dad- demanding his rights as a father when it suits him. What a cliche.

Original poster

Mariandidit · 08/01/2019 17:09

Our split was not one sided, we both agreed to end the relationship. I can understand why she is so angry with him.

I’ve also spoken to him repeatedly when he was upset about her pregnancy that what was done was done. She wasn’t going to have an abortion and that was that. He made his bed he’d have to lie in it. I do not condone him leaving her with a baby. Especially her first. But I also don’t agree you should stay in a relationship if you are unhappy. We say that on here constantly. Don’t cheat, leave. Everyone has a right to be happy. His happiness has come at a massive price to her though!

I will take the suggestions to speak to her and say I don’t want to discuss their relationship anymore. Not sure who said it was over the top for DD to be missing her sister like crazy, she was seeing her three times a week until they split, of course she misses her

OP posts:

MissionItsPossible · 08/01/2019 18:04

It's not your concern and involving yourself will only bring you drama.

differentnameforthis · 09/01/2019 02:14

He made his bed he’d have to lie in it. Agreed, he obvously tried for a time, but you can't fake it.

The problem is though op... HE DIDN'T WANT THE BABY!! Actually sounds like he wanted his gf to abort (your update) and he left not only his gf, but the baby.

And the fact that he now wants unsupervised access to a child he didn't want, and actively tried to encourage ending her pregnancy is ironic at best.

Mum isn't over protective, she is sensible. Don't you see that? You don't get to do that and demand access!!! Why has he now changed his mind?

Putitdownnow · 09/01/2019 02:34

Lack of boundaries from all the adults.

stuckbetweenlife · 09/01/2019 02:53

OP you clearly said he hadn't bonded with the lo like he did with your dd. So there's the big difference.
Also your ex needs to grow up and think before he talks, to stay with someone to see if they can make it work because he doesn't want to not raise the child, may sound like a good thing but on the other side that's killer. I couldn't think of anything worse.
And,
Went people vent they don't think about you, she probably doesn't realise it's coming across offensive. Plus you dd is older and he wanted her and was in love with you, so you may see how he cares for your dd but how he acts with the other lo could be very different.
Plus she's hurt very hurt. And if he's so free talking to you, I wonder what he says and does to her.
This is going to sound terrible, but I never trust a man ( or female) who over shared their business especially to people they know you don't want to know or that could cause future issues.

Loveweekends10 · 09/01/2019 03:01

It sounds like he is playing both of you tbh!

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