WWYD about untidy DH?

[Doghorsechicken]

I adore my husband, he’s an amazing man and a fantastic father to our 7 month old DS.

However, his untidiness/uncleanliness is infuriating! How can I deal with it? WWYD?DS & I have just got back from 3 days away with DGPs and the house is a mess. To be fair I don’t expect DH to clean, I’m happy to do that myself. I do expect him to tidy up after himself though. I’m forever picking things up after him, closing cupboards or doors or hanging coats up even though he’s just walked past the coat hooks etc. I understand that he’s at work and I’m at home but I’m not a clean up fairy, I’m just trying to enjoy my time with DS instead of leaving him to cry because I’m putting DH’s plates in the dishwasher and putting his recycling or sweet wrappers in the correct bin. So having missed him whilst being away I’ve come home and fallen out with him and I’m now in the spare room. (Not sleeping because the house is a tip and I know that will need sorting tomorrow AM).

I don’t want to be that nagging wife but I really am not asking for much. I’m not asking him to tidy up after me or even DS. Just pick up his own crap there and then so I don’t have to mess about before actually cleaning the place. Has anyone trained their DH? We’ve only been married 18 months and I’m at the end of my tether. Believe me I don’t have show home standards, I just want a nice home where I can relax and not worry about people popping in to see us.

Major first world problems I know

He shouldn’t need to be “trained”, it’s just common courtesy. I am very messy and have to make a conscious effort to tidy up after myself but it’s just a matter of actually thinking about it and how it affects other people. Just like tactless people, it’s actually not that hard to just take the time to think before you speak.

I think you probably need to sit him down and tell him how much his mess is affecting you and tell him he has to clean too as then the mess will start to affect him as he will have to tidy to be able to clean.

Though...you can't sleep because the house is a tip? Really?

There's a thread here somewhere about an mner and her kids or dh? Basically she told them every time they dropped a wrapper or put a pair of pants next to (but not in) the laundry bin they had to say "fuck you mother/dw, you do it". Because that's what they're saying in action so they may as well say it out loud and own it. That thread made me think and, when I laughingly (honest) told my teens about it it made them pause.

Perhaps it's time to be blunt?

Has he always been like it? You've been married 18 months so cohabiting how long? Have you spoken to him about it?

There's a post on here about a toy jail. If Mum picks it up it goes to jail and you have to earn it back. If he wants to act like a child treat him like one. Everything he dumps in one box. Clean, dirty, rubbish, everything.

Nothing. Sick of my DH dictating his crazy cleaning standards. Leave him be.

NO, your DH is not a child FFS!

Wendy OP has a young child, it isn't as simple as leaving rubbish around the floor and plates mouldy in the side!

Asking someone to put plates in the dishwasher and rubbish in the bin is hardly “crazy cleaning standards”

The OP actually specified "the correct bin" which sounds rather more particular...

If my DH leaves his coat/shoes/other personal items lying around rather than putting them away I do tidy them away for him but I tidy them away to a place of my choosing rather than their actual home, and when he needs them again I happily tell him that if he had put them away himself he would know exactly where they were. I have spent many a morning repeating this to him while he runs around late for work looking for his shoes. And I generally tidy his litter and dirty dishes away into his wardrobe where he (sooner or later) has to do something about them himself. This approach does sometimes cause friction but it has probably made him 90% tidier than he used to be.

We have to split out our rubbish as well, recycling in recycling bag, food scraps in food caddy and non food non recyclables in the bin.

So OP is making sense if her council has similar waste collection requirements.

I'm always a little 50/50 with these threads. He's always been like this. You've accepted it enough to marry him. Accepted it enough to get pregnant to him. Now it's unacceptable and needs to change. You can try- but the time for this conversation was when you first moved in.

@cavort

Like your style

"To be fair I don’t expect DH to clean" why the HELL not? It's his home too!

The first link you could send to him!

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/amp/?client=safari

www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Strategic%20Incompetence&amp=true

m.youtube.com/watch?v=SqQgDwA0BNU

Just for starters! I'm sure someone would recommend the book "wifework" too. I've not read it myself as I'm single and even when I was married I wouldn't tolerate such lazy bullshit!

There was apparently a thread by an mner who took the tack of every time they had to pick up after their lazy arse husband "imitated" him with comments like "fuck you wife! You do it because it's beneath me!" I believe it proved effective.

However, I'd just sit him down and tell him enough is enough. He's a grown arse adult perfectly capable of cleaning up his own shit! And that if he doesn't start doing so he'll be gone! He also needs to contribute to chores that affect you all.

Just because he works outside the home doesn't mean EVERYTHING else gets left to you.

When he's home he pulls his weight!

Are you a sahm now or on Mat leave? If sahm unless you see a significant change in his attitude I'd strongly recommend you return to work, because it's the only way someone that sexist will even possibly accept they need to pull their weight.

If you're on Mat leave TELL him it's not a sodding holiday!

You're recovering from childbirth AND caring for your (plural) child you're not the bloody maid!

Thanks for all the replies, I do need to just sit down and tell him. I’ve told him all this before but I suppose when it’s ‘mid nag’ he just ignores it.

And I know it is ridiculous that I can’t sleep when it’s a mess but it’s true, I was the same when I was a teenager and doing exams. I always sleep so much better when it’s tidy.

I really like the idea of the toy jail, I should just dump everything in there so he can see how much picking up after him I do day in day out. I don’t think he quite understands how much I do. It is honestly embarrassing to the point when his friend came round whilst DH was away and asked me why the house was so clean. I had done no more cleaning than normal, it was just the fact that he wasn’t there to mess it up instantly. Sometimes I’ll have just mopped the floor and he’ll just waltz in with mud on his boots. Which really won’t be great because DS is nearly crawling.

Yes when I say the correct bin i mean that we compost food scraps, recycle paper, plastic & metal then have a separate bin for rubbish. It’s just our local council. Not me being a hitler that you’re making out

I love the idea of hiding his things too! Ha! That would definitely stir things up! I just want it to be sorted before I’m forever picking up after a toddler and running around after him.

I know I married him but he is amazing and we do usually get on so well. Neither of us have ever stormed off to the spare room before so this is pretty new! I was just frustrated because I had even texted him the day before to make sure it was tidy when i got back and he still didn’t bother. It would just seem daft to me to not marry a wonderful man because he’s messy. In every other aspect he’s great so I get mad at myself that this bothers me so much.
I’m on maternity leave but he was the same when I was at work and pre-DS. It all fell to me so I suggested a cleaner but when he last had one she stole money and he didn’t want that hassle again. But I have told him that when I return to work I want a cleaner because we can afford one and so it’s a pointless strain on our relationship.

Thanks for all your replies. I will talk to him today without getting frustrated & show him the first link. If that fails he’s getting a box where all his crap including pots and pans will go.

I had this. To me it epitomised a huge lack of respect. The more I went on about it the worse he got. I simply couldn't live with it.
We have been divorced for about 21 years now. DC's are 23 and 25
I am having big difficulties with 23 yo ds.
Like his df happy to cook and leave the whole house like a tornado has been through it.
Soul destroying. Good luck

I had this with my ex. He did not pick up after himself at all. Never put plates in dishwasher, cups everywhere, would throw sweet packets at the bin not in them so around his chair was a pile of wrappers.

It would drive me nuts. He would make a big deal once a few months doing a super big dean (which really wasn't) when actually what I wanted was him just to pick up after himself on a day to day basis

We are now separated and it's much easier!

That’s what I’m worried about, I want to nip it in the bud now. I hate nagging but I also hate his mess!

Yes it’s the daily grind that winds me up. It’s every day without a break. I came back refreshed from being away and came home to more crap left out.

Married 10 years now to someone like your DH. 10 years, 3 children, one bout of PND and now ongoing anxiety. My DH is also really mucky: doesn’t notice dirty hands , shoes so spreads food, poo from nappy changes, snot, mud everywhere.

He’s improved massively. It’s been a combination of things. Some massive rows. Some passive aggressive shit from me. I stopped doing his washing and got him his own laundry basket. I tip all his mess in. Rubbish, cups, electronics, post, clean washing. When he’s left poo on a wall or piss on the floor I’ve whatsapped him photos with threat of posting it on Facebook next time. His parents home is absolutely disgraceful. As a child life was a chaotic mess of dirty uniforms, smelly hair and too small shoes. Whenever he goes back he is reminded how much better our kids have it.

Now, in our house I’m your DH and your DH is me. There’s nothing more annoying than being told to move your shoes back to the porch or hang your coat up like a small child. It’s also slightly infuriating, considering we both live there, that I don’t get to live how I like (ie, with a bit of clutter) because it’s perceived that tidy is best...

Actually, what I’d also say is that it really annoys me that the stuff I do do gets overlooked. So no one comments on the fact that the bins have been changed, or that I’ve emptied the dishwasher, but the fact that my handbag is in the middle of the floor is a big deal.

No. No it isn’t.

@potteringalong do you ever comment on the things that the tidier person in your home does? Do you notice that the cupboard doors are closed, food put away, dishwasher stacked, laundry dealt with? And actually shit left lying in the middle of the floor can be the final straw when you fall over it whilst rushing about trying to get other stuff done. How is it easier to leave it on the floor than hang it on a coat peg or newel post of wherever is appropriate it your home? We had this with shoes, till DH fell over his own shoes whilst carrying one of the babies who chipped 2 teeth as a result.

My tactic is just pointing it all out. I'll go round as I tidy and ask "Is there a reason your coat is on the floor NEXT to the coat hooks? Ok. Wrappers on the side, are you keeping them? No? Ok I'll put them in the bin. Did you notice there's space for your shoes on the shoe rack? So you didn't put them in it because....?"

It's not 'nagging' because I'm not asking him to do it, but he very quickly gets the point and takes over to sort it!

Likewise, I'm happy to do most of the housework - I make the point that it's really not much I'm asking him to do, but that 'not much' saves me a hell of a lot of time if he keeps on top of it.

We're both naturally untidy though so it takes a lot of effort for both of us!