WWYD about untidy DH?

[Doghorsechicken]

I adore my husband, he’s an amazing man and a fantastic father to our 7 month old DS.

However, his untidiness/uncleanliness is infuriating! How can I deal with it? WWYD?DS & I have just got back from 3 days away with DGPs and the house is a mess. To be fair I don’t expect DH to clean, I’m happy to do that myself. I do expect him to tidy up after himself though. I’m forever picking things up after him, closing cupboards or doors or hanging coats up even though he’s just walked past the coat hooks etc. I understand that he’s at work and I’m at home but I’m not a clean up fairy, I’m just trying to enjoy my time with DS instead of leaving him to cry because I’m putting DH’s plates in the dishwasher and putting his recycling or sweet wrappers in the correct bin. So having missed him whilst being away I’ve come home and fallen out with him and I’m now in the spare room. (Not sleeping because the house is a tip and I know that will need sorting tomorrow AM).

I don’t want to be that nagging wife but I really am not asking for much. I’m not asking him to tidy up after me or even DS. Just pick up his own crap there and then so I don’t have to mess about before actually cleaning the place. Has anyone trained their DH? We’ve only been married 18 months and I’m at the end of my tether. Believe me I don’t have show home standards, I just want a nice home where I can relax and not worry about people popping in to see us.

Same at our house Pottering. DP moans about my untidyness but forgets all the jobs,cooking,shopping and house administration that I do do!

It’s only polite to leave the house semi tidy. Cupboards shut, sweet wrappers in the bin, dishes washed. Rude to expect others to clean up others mess

I don’t expect anyone else to clean it up. That’s the difference that I think people are missing. I do notice if cupboard doors are shut, but I genuinely don’t care either way.

Have hope! You haven't been together for that long. I came from a messy home (my parents are messy) so a bit of untidiness doesn't really bother me. My husband has trained me though over the last twelve years!

I have learnt that it is nicer to have a tidy house and that tidying as you go is easier and gives better results.

Also, I have learnt that my husband has a physical stress/anxious reaction to chaos and mess and because I love him and it's nicer to live with somebody who is happy and relaxed I make an effort for his sake to tidy up.

So I'll do a quick runaround the house before he gets home so that it's nice for him. (Please don't think I am a subservient wife! I am the main breadwinner while he is in charge of childcare, cooking and most housework)

If your husband loves you and respects you he will make the effort.

Or, if she loves and respects her husband, she will put up with a bit of chaos. Why does tidy always win out as better?!

Because living in a tidy house doesn’t stress him out but me living in a messy house stresses me out. It does affect my sleep, it does affect my mood. I haven’t got OCD or anything, it hasn’t been an issue with any other partners until my DH. It never used to be a big part of my life until I had to tidy up after him constantly and it’s become a massive daily battle that previously had no significance in my life. That’s what the problem is. And leaving a handbag on the floor is now an issue because DS learnt to roll whilst we were away and he will happily rummage through anything on the floor and eat it.

Because it is better

You wouldn't really choose to live in a messy house would you? If you had the choice, with no effort required on your part?

But RaisinBrain that sounds wonderful, there is hope! Hopefully we’ll soon get the balance right.

@PotteringAlong because mess has an impact on everything and everyone. If you have to cook but have to remove all someone else's shit out of the kitchen, off the surfaces, out of the sink etc it makes cooking so much harder. If you have your own space somewhere leave that how you want but don't leave it in communal spaces.

We all judge houses that are beyond a certain level of mess/dirty and most of us love going into a show home kind of space although very few achieve it. We manage to keep the house at acceptable but when we have guests it still involves a lot of putting away clutter.

We have a cleaner who was off for 2 weeks over Christmas. By the end of the second week the level of dirt outside of the kitchen/entertaining area was awful we live on a working farm with dogs. Shameful even but we have kept on top of clutter. And guests don't go into those areas.

Shame that he doesn’t care about your feelings and that it makes you anxious.

Been here, done this, but in reverse.

Your standards and those of your husband are completed opposite: from my experience this can be as difficult a marital issue as mismatched sex drives or opposing views about money. It is a marriage breaker.

However, it is his home too.

Your DH is probably driven mad by what he sees as your unnecessary tidiness; you are driven mad by his messiness. You will both be right and wrong: there will be things he does that most other people would find appalling, and things you do that will seem borderline obsessive to other people.

In our marriage we have just about made it work. I cook, he clears and washes up. I do the social stuff, he has primary responsibility for housework. I love him and know how important it is to him so I try to keep things tidy for him, although I do have my sacrosanct areas he is not allowed to comment on or touch. He loves me and knows I value companionship and happiness over cleanliness. He no longer leaps to his feet the minute the first eater has finished (even if we have guests) and washes their plate separately, but he does do the clearing up immediately after a meal before sitting down.

@bonzo77. Poo on the wall?????

@PurpleWithRed. Because he doesn’t notice he has shit on his hand changing a nappy then touches everything, doesn’t pack nappy straight into a bag and nappy ends up near wall. He doesn’t notice. It’s just awful.

I had the same. Final straw was when he was away on cub camp for a week. I was alone with DS and worried about it. But actually I had less work to do because I wasnt constantly picking up after him. So when he got back I informed him that we were getting a cleaner because I wasnt prepared to be doing all. I was met with the usual oh but we can do it ourselves. Yes we can, but you DONT. But you can tell me when everything neefs to be done and I'll do it. So you think managing the household is MY job? Despite the fact that I study ft, work pt and do voluntary work? Well its not. You live here too and it is just as much your responsibility as mine. I have told you how a messy house affects me, and you dont care because otherwise you would have changed your behaviour. He did look suitably embarrassed, and does clear up the night before the cleaner comes. Actually the cleaner has been great. Now clearing up is something that we do together.

Ive also stopped doing the mental load. Before Christmas I made him sit down and we went through all the planning together. He was quite tired afterwards. If he asks me something that really doesnt matter I usually answer is there a reason why you cant make that decision for yourself?

"There’s nothing more annoying than being told to move your shoes back to the porch or hang your coat up like a small child." Simple solution - don't act like one and have consideration for others!

You may not mind a bit of clutter but tripping over your stuff because you're too lazy to move it is unacceptable.

Op is going to have a crawling/toddling/putting everything in their mouths/ears/nose young child roaming soon it's a health and safety issue.

"Actually, what I’d also say is that it really annoys me that the stuff I do do gets overlooked. So no one comments on the fact that the bins have been changed, or that I’ve emptied the dishwasher, but the fact that my handbag is in the middle of the floor is a big deal.

No. No it isn’t."

Wow you want a medal for behaving like a normal, sensible & non-selfish adult?! And yes, yes it is a big deal because it's a trip hazard!

And as per the links I posted its bloody disrespectful to whoever you share your home with but especially the person who DOES do the tidying.

"I do notice if cupboard doors are shut, but I genuinely don’t care either way." Until someone ends up with a black eye! But then I suspect unless that was you, you still wouldn't care.

"Why does tidy always win out as better?!" Because it's safer and less likely to result in things being damaged or lost. That anyone over the age of 10 needs told this is ridiculous!

@redexpat

Same here. Even though I work full time and he only worked part time (so in theory had 3 days for household stuff) the work is far less!

Although I must admit I have got a cleaner now as juggling full on job and children on my own is enough!

I refused to get one before as I did not see the point when he was at home for 3 days while children were at school (before anyone says he was busy looking after them!)

Please stop saying you are nagging. It is a misogynistic word used to keep women in their place.
Your husband’s behaviour is not on and you are asking him to address it. If he was at work and doing something unacceptable, would his manager be nagging if they asked him to stop the behaviour.

Actually, what I’d also say is that it really annoys me that the stuff I do do gets overlooked. So no one comments on the fact that the bins have been changed, or that I’ve emptied the dishwasher, but the fact that my handbag is in the middle of the floor is a big deal.

DH is messier than I am, I’d say I do at least 90% of the housework, and one thing he used to do that really annoyed me was carry on as if he deserved a medal when he did change the bins or empty the dishwasher - whilst ignoring everything I did.

He stopped that after I started doing it back and saying / texting / emailing “DH! I’ve done one of the million household jobs that you only spontaneously do about once every few months!”

Oh, and tidier often is better.

If you have designated places for your belongings - whether that’s keys, wallets, bags, paperwork or anything else - and you get in the habit of putting your belongings where they’re supposed to be, then (a) it’s tidy, and more importantly, (b) when you need your belonging, it’s quick and easy to find it.

Saves loads of time, compared to a more messy approach of just leaving stuff any old where and then having to turn the house upside down looking for the belonging you’ve mislaid and now need urgently.

Well we’ve kind of divided up the jobs. I don’t clean. There’s no point; as soon as I’ve cleaned DH does it again because he thinks I’ve not done it properly. So that’s his job. I do all the washing, change the beds and almost all of the ferrying for childcare during the week. Cooking is probably 50/50. We don’t email each other about jobs because that’s petty. That’s not my point. My point was that I do do my fair share as an adult (and I’ve got 3 small children, my bag on the floor is still fine) and that fair share is overlooked because of the disagreement about messy / tidy.

I’m clearly in the minority. But you know what, I went to town to do jobs with the 4 and 2 year olds this morning so DH could build lego with the 7 year old in their PJ’s. I’ve come into the house, looked at what they were doing, taken off my boots and put them next to the table and put my coat on the dining room chair. And I’m ok with that.

I think deep down it’s misogyny in action over a along period of time it’s wearing and causes resentment.

I have a DH who had a family who had a housekeeper and who then spent years in catered University accommodation and then lodged with a woman who was basically an empty nester and spoilt her lodgers. So as much as people say you shouldn’t have to train them I really did have to train my DH. He had reached the grand old age of 29 without having to lift a finger. I remember ranting about it at work and the consensus from my colleagues was it was just how men are. This is over twenty years ago. I wasn’t going to accept that. I feel that the concept of nagging is also misogyny in action. Every human has the right to voice what bothers them by society enforcing the nagging wife stereotype it shuts women down. You yourself say I don’t want to be seen as the nagging wife.

I have a big plastic crate with a lid. Anything I find left around the house goes into the crate. If someone is looking for something of theirs, I don't help them find it but I suggest they look in the crate.

The crate gets emptied into the bin once a week, regardless of what's in it.

In honour of you lot I just had to pop out and my coat is now properly hung up by the door

I love the idea of the crate, bin it at the end.

Before having DS I was in nesting mode and I sorted every room down to the last drawer. So we are finally in a home where everything has a place. I just want to keep on top of it all now!

And I’m glad to hear it Pottering once you start tidying as you go everything is so much easier but I just need DH on board!