Telling people pregnant straight away - new trend

[ColdCottage]

I've decided to tell everyone I'm pregnant straight away and not wait for the 12 week scan.

I figure if I miscarry and am sad l'd want people to know why. I also feel it's important to make miscarriage feel more normal - as it normal and yet it's kept in the closet.

My first pregnancy I didn't tell anyone for the 12 weeks and it was quite stressful for me.

My second pregnancy was a surprise and I told everyone straight away and I miscarried at 9 weeks. It felt much better and easier to be able to talk to people about it. About being unexpectedly pregnant (coil fell out) and then about the miscarriage.

I'm posting here as it's more of a social comment than a pregnancy one and I wondered if anyone else was doing this now and changing the trend of waiting until the 12 week scan?

I can understand people not telling work colleagues if they don't feel work will respond well to a pregnancy (which is a whole other issue).

I don’t think there has ever been a trend has there? I think people have always just done what suits them... tell close family or friends earlier on if they need/want to, and tell wider circles later on?

I told everyone straight away both times.

Yes, I have been telling people this time for the same reason. When my Mum was pregnant with me she has to wait until she missed to two periods and then see a dr who would look at her nipples and stomach (sounds pervy) who then said you were pregnant. In the past people did not know they were pregnant so early.

I also feel it's important to make miscarriage feel more normal - as it normal and yet it's kept in the closet.

Yes, but not everyone wants to talk about it. It’s perfectly fine to want to keep some things private.

This is a personal choice. I’m not sure “trend” is the right word.

I've not seen anything but then I've only been on it for 4 years.

I was just interested to see if anyone else had decided to do the same.

I think everyone needs to do what is right for them.

It's just become the social norm to wait. I'd be interested to know when this social change came about. I don't think people used to wait. I know in lots of other counties people don't wait.

@PurpleDaisies yes people should only talk about miscarriage if they want to as it's such a personal time.

I just feel if more people spoke about it (if they wanted to), rather than feel they shouldn't, then it would be easier for others to speak out if they felt it would help them.

Everyone I know has told their parents/close friends as soon as they’ve found out then other people after the 12 week scan.
What have you been on for 4 years?

When I had a miscarriage 10 years ago, it was very useful to have my boss and close colleagues know what went on. They all acted as normal, as did I actually but knowing I could wander off for 10 mins was easier.

A colleague became pregnant last year and told everyone at 8 weeks. Another colleague said very disparagingly ‘why would anyone say anything before 12 weeks’.

I didn’t go into details about what I’d been through but it was pretty clear to me if I had a miscarriage at that workplace they wouldn’t want to know!

As it happens, this pregnancy I tested and didn’t know where I was. A private scan showed me at 12 weeks (a week after testing) so I thanks my lucky stars it didn’t have to be a secret, lest I tell people early and get slagged off!

It’s not a trend, it’s a function of modern technology.

The 12 week thing is relatively recent historically speaking because pregnancy tests and ultrasound scans are relatively recent.

Previously you wouldn’t have known you were pregnant at 5 weeks, you might not necessarily have known you were having an early miscarriage either.

Women had to wait longer to be sure they were pregnant.

Whether you tell or don’t tell us entirely up to you.

I would say that you might get less effusive congratulations is you announce at 5 weeks than at 12 because most people are aware that there is still chance something could go wrong.

Congratulations

@SoyDora I've been on MN for 4 years.

I had to tell quite a few at work early on but only told people who I also would have been 'happy' (wrong wording but I can't think of the right one) knowing about an early miscarriage. Obviously told our parents etc as well. The rest, more distant family, and friends, I told after 12 week scan. I was glad people knew earlier at work as they knew why I wasn't always as useful a member of staff as I normally am, and in an environment that relies on teamwork I thought that was important.

With DS1 I waited, when I had a period of bleeding (which turned out fine) I felt so alone, I couldn’t cope with giving my mum/friend the good news that I was pg and the bad news that I was bleeding all at the same time.

DS2 I told close people who I might need in the event of a mc at 6 weeks. Felt much better about the whole thing.

I felt duty bound to tell my boss because I was off sick by 8 weeks.

When I was hospitalised (again!) at 16 weeks the lovely doctor wrote me a sick note for ‘gynaecological issues’ which was sweet of her but made me very glad I hadn’t needed to hide it all from work for that long!

It depends who your boss is and the culture of your workplace though. I have worked for some people I wouldn’t have wanted to tell before the head was crowning 🤣

I had an early miscarriage and completely get where you're coming from. I'd told a few people I was pregnant, but was then totally open about the miscarriage, because I needed people to understand why I was in such a bad way physically and emotionally. The only thing I'd say to anyone considering this is that you might want to keep track of who you've told about the pregnancy, because if someone hears about the pregnancy, but doesn't hear about the miscarriage, you have to be prepared for them bounding up to you being excited about your baby, which can be sad for you, and horribly awkward for them. (We knew every person we'd told about the pregnancy, and DH made a point of then going round and telling them about the miscarriage.)

I told people at 6 weeks (a week after I found out) in my first pregnancy. I got mostly effusive congratulations. A few comments along the lines of “why would you tell so early”. These are the same people who couldn’t find it in them to say two words to me when I had a stillbirth at 37 weeks. Of course chances of things going wrong are higher in the early days.. but if we know there is a foetus I don’t see why we need to feel shame or fear and hide it away. If things go wrong they go wrong - us being happy when pregnant is not an invitation to some malicious god to punish us. In the past we didn’t tell earlier mostly because we didn’t know earlier. And keeping hush hush just absolves people of the need to be kind and empathetic should things go wrong.

That said with my second pregnancy I didn’t tell anyone other than close family and my boss until 20 weeks +. But I showed super early so it basically meant a miserable anxiety ridden year of hiding away from almost everyone just to avoid discussing it.

I'd agree that it's not that people used to tell people earlier, necessarily, they just told people as soon as they knew - which used to be later on. Now we find out earlier, when it's a riskier time.

I don't really see it as a social trend either way. There have always been people doing it either way. If you're more comfortable sharing now, absolutely go for it. All the best for your pregnancy

One in four pregnancies come to an end before 12 weeks.

I guess you have to imagine how you'd feel if you'd made it public and everyone had got excited and then you had to tell them bad news. For some it would make it worse. You can still tell them about having a miscarriage if/when it happens. For me it would be easier if I hadn't already raised everyone's expectations and had lots of congratulations.

But, obviously, it's a personal choice.

I told family early in both pregnancies. Yes there was a chance something might not go right and it didn't for my last but that would have affected me and my family knew why I wasn't ok.

I talk to people if I feel safe with them about miscarriage and my troubles TTC, it's something I feel that's hushed up in our society when a lot of women and indeed men are struggling emotionally and physically with.

We named our first after the 20 week scan, we had a name picked out for each gender and to us that baby was there whether something went wrong or not.

Each to their own.

i told my close family the first two times as soon
as i found out but then i had miscarriage before having my third so held off telling anyone until i’d had my 12 week scan and been reassured that everything was fine.

I know what you mean OP about the "trend" or "social norm"

There did seem to be a social norm to wait till 12 weeks scan and not talk about MC.

The older generation were shocked when I told them about pregnancies pre 12 weeks scan. They stated "what if you have a MC though? You wouldnt want people to know that!"

But my friends and family closer to my own age seemed to get it, I wanted support from day 1 as I suffer from symptoms terribly and having people know has been great help during CPs and MCs.

DH doesnt want to tell everyone this time though as he doesnt want our family and friends to be upset for us anymore if it does go wrong again. But I just cant imagine having to fake it is all okay and besides my mum will sniff out my pregnancy quickly as I stay over hers once a week and she will hear me throwing up!

I think some still do wait the twelve weeks but may tell immediate family a little sooner.

I think more are telling the world sooner, usually via social media etc for the attention. The ones I've known tell people very early are the ones that use pregnancy as an excuse not to do much and feel they are te first person ever to get pregnant.

The issue around information re miscarriage etc is separate to telling people earlier.

I had my children 13-17 years ago. I found out at 5-6 weeks and told most people straight away because I felt so sick.

I told everyone straight away purely because I was too excited and can’t keep secrets :D

My parents and PILs knew right away both times. First time my boss also very early because I was supposed to travel somewhere with malaria and GP told me it wasn’t safe to take the meds while pregnant.

Friends and wider family found out after 12 weeks.

As someone who has miscarried (before
12 weeks) I couldn't agree more! I hadn't told anyone other than parents, however I needed the support of those close to me and I had no choice to tell work and a phone call to my boss to say I was having a miscarriage when they didn't even know I was pregnant was hard. No one should feel like they have to tell people but no one should feel like they can't.

Next time round (hopefully there will be a next time) I won't be hiding it so to speak but I also won't be shouting from the roof tops.