Telling people pregnant straight away - new trend

[ColdCottage]

I've decided to tell everyone I'm pregnant straight away and not wait for the 12 week scan.

I figure if I miscarry and am sad l'd want people to know why. I also feel it's important to make miscarriage feel more normal - as it normal and yet it's kept in the closet.

My first pregnancy I didn't tell anyone for the 12 weeks and it was quite stressful for me.

My second pregnancy was a surprise and I told everyone straight away and I miscarried at 9 weeks. It felt much better and easier to be able to talk to people about it. About being unexpectedly pregnant (coil fell out) and then about the miscarriage.

I'm posting here as it's more of a social comment than a pregnancy one and I wondered if anyone else was doing this now and changing the trend of waiting until the 12 week scan?

I can understand people not telling work colleagues if they don't feel work will respond well to a pregnancy (which is a whole other issue).

I agree with you OP as I'm quite open and would be fine with telling people what's going on; why should you suffer in silence just because of some "tradition"

I only waited because its the done thing. Looking back, I'm not sure why I didn't just tell everyone.

I told people I would want support from if it all went wrong early on. Then told everyone else after the 12 week scan. That's what worked for me, but I think it's very much personal choice.

I told family the day I found out at 3+4. Boss at 6 weeks as I was feeling exhausted and quite sick. My team at work and some friends at 8 weeks after seeing the heartbeat on a private scan, and then anyone else after my 12 week scan.

I wouldn't necessarily call waiting for the 12 week scan before telling people 'a trend'. I waited for my 12 week scan to tell people because I knew if I'd miscarried I couldn't deal with everyone knowing.

Whilst I can only speak for myself, and I do think discussing miscarriage should be normalised more, for me, I don't think I could deal with the grief of losing a baby and having to tell everyone I'd had a miscarriage and respond to well meaning 'how's the baby, how are you coming along?' etc etc before telling people I'd miscarried.

One woman I know who had a miscarriage had told everyone straight away, and had to deal with telling everyone she's lost the baby, but then she did have a huge outpouring of support as a result. Another woman I know didn't tell people she was pregnant and lost her baby before the 12 week scan, and dealt with her grief privately with her husband and chosen friends. Everyone deals with miscarriage and grief differently. There's no right or wrong way, you just have to do what feels right for you.

I agree with others that being open about miscarriage and discussing pregnancy early on are two separate things. I do think there should be less judgment over when women break the news, but I think it should be more personal preference than one being better than the other.

My spouse always told his family and some of his friends straight away. He is very much in the 'very excited, bad at keeping secrets, and loved talking about it with people' group.

I'm the opposite. I delayed as long as possible, pretty much a 'need to know/if it directly impacts someone' mindset. I only had social media with my younger two and didn't post anything about it until the final month. I didn't find that stressful at all, I liked keeping it within my home life. I found dealing with the baby conversations with those my spouse had told early involves far more suffering in silence and the times I could be 'incognito' were lovely. The people who were 'if she's not going to mention it, I'm not going to mention it' when the bump got obvious were my favourites, especially after far too many really bizarre remarks.

I personally wouldn't, not just because of the (valid) miscarriage reason but because it just makes a very long experience even longer, with people forever asking how far gone you are etc.

Is it anyone's business when a pregnancy is announced? I told people a couple of weeks after I found out myself both times as partly because I felt sick, partly because I was bloody chuffed about it! It's the same with telling people you're in a relationship with someone new: Some people will tell friends and family from the first date, others will leave it a few months. I sincerely hope there's not going to be some new etiquette code we have to abide by for sharing personal good news

I just wondered as home pregnancy tests have been available since the 70's yet it seems only in the last 10 years or so it feels (at least it did to me) that you don't tell anyone until 12 weeks, or perhaps just immediate family.

I'm not here to judge or make suggestions I was just interested in how this seemingly unwritten rule had come about. I know I felt it with my first but I don't know why.

I told everyone straight away. I am not good at keeping things to myself.

I figure if I miscarry and am sad l'd want people to know why. I also feel it's important to make miscarriage feel more normal - as it normal and yet it's kept in the closet.

I'm with you OP. I never announced as such but if anyone asked in general how I was or what was new I just told them regardless of the gestation.

My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 9 weeks. That didn't change my mind about telling people as and when it came up the 2nd and 3rd times I was pregnant.

I just wondered as home pregnancy tests have been available since the 70's yet it seems only in the last 10 years or so it feels (at least it did to me) that you don't tell anyone until 12 weeks, or perhaps just immediate family.

I'm not so sure that's true. Here's a Press Complaints Comission adjudication from 2007 relating to a newspaper reporting Charlotte Church's pregnancy, and the adjudication stated that a newspaper should not report a pregnancy prior to the 12 week scan without the consent of the woman. So although I don't know how far this goes back, it's a little more embedded than just a trend.
(Ridiculously proud of being able to dredge this up from memory!)

www.pcc.org.uk/cases/adjudicated.html?article=NDUzMA==

I just wondered as home pregnancy tests have been available since the 70's yet it seems only in the last 10 years or so it feels (at least it did to me) that you don't tell anyone until 12 weeks, or perhaps just immediate family.

No, it's not only the last 10 years, speaking as someone who was pregnant 18 years ago. Back then it was pretty normal to not tell too many people in case of miscarriage.

I disagree. With my first pregnancy, I told several people I was pregnant around 7 weeks and then miscarried. I felt like a bit of a fanny telling people as I was pretty pragmatic about it given the likelihood so not massively upset. I got pregnant again within 3 months and didn't tell anyone except close family until I was safely after 12 weeks.

I also disagree. I think 6 weeks is far too early to be telling anyone other than very close family (if that!). I didn’t even know you could be 3 weeks pregnant and it would show on a test?

I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks. I was pleased that I’d only found out a week earlier (less time to get excited) and only told my parents and DH (obv). Even telling them I’d had a miscarriage was hard and my Dad’s ‘everything happens for a reason’ is a typical reaction. I wish I’d just kept it to myself. I was sad but pragmatic and realistic about the situation that it was so early I never felt I’d ‘lost a baby’. But that’s just me and my way of dealing with it. I’d hate to have to go around telling loads of people ‘oh actually I’m not pregnant anymore’.

I think there were so many miscarriages in the last that were before 8 weeks that were dismissed as a late/heavy period. In a way that saved lots of heartache. Lots of pregnancies don’t ‘take’ for various reasons.

@Stupomax I'm just going on Wikipedia which says that home tests came out in the US and Europe in the 70's

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pregnancy_test

In the past

Congratulations OP

Like most things, it’s very personal.

As a mc veteran I’ve left it as long as possible this time because while we didn’t get excited for a while (20 week scan was around when it kicked in) and would have been okay if we’d lost it, I couldn’t handle other people’s sadness if it had happened again. We had a 10 week mc earlier in the year, 4th one in a row, and didn’t tell anyone we didn’t have to that I was pregnant or that we’d lost it. I also told everyone we’re close to that if/when we conceived again we wouldn’t let them know till we had to. I’m sure plenty of people guessed but no one was rude enough to ask.

My mum had me in 76 and my brother in 78 and still had to miss two periods to go to the doctor for a test?

I a really said this to my brother the other day. I said it almost feels shameful to admit you had a miscarriage but I would expect the people I told to support me.
He said it's not that is shameful or embarrassing, it's that you then have to tell all the people who know that you have then had a miscarriage and it's very difficult to do or talk about. I see his point

It’s personal choice whether or not you choose to tell. Nothing to do with anyone else but the pregnant woman really. I didn’t want people to know until after the 12 week scan because I didn’t want to have to talk about it if anything went wrong. Not that I would have been ashamed or that I think there is anything wrong with talking about it just that I would find it more painful to have everyone know and have to deal with their sympathy.

Stupomax I'm just going on Wikipedia which says that home tests came out in the US and Europe in the 70's

I'm not disagreeing that home tests came out in the 70s.

I'm disagreeing with you saying this:

"yet it seems only in the last 10 years or so it feels (at least it did to me) that you don't tell anyone until 12 weeks, or perhaps just immediate family."

As I said, I was pregnant 18 years ago and back then it was totally normal for people to not tell too many people until 12 weeks.

I'm not sure why you think that's only become a thing more recently? What are you basing that on?

With DD1, I wasn't sure I was pregnant until I developed horrendous morning sickness a week after having my tonsils out (I was 24). My periods were all over the place, so although I was 'late', just the fact I was having my tonsils out was enough to make me late. The hospital knew I might be pregnant.

With DD2, I had an extremely short cycle and began vomiting the day after I missed my period. I then had a miscarriage scare at 8 weeks and had an early, 12 week scan, which showed I had lost a twin. Not that the doctor bothered to tell me that little gem, but then, he also hadn't told me first time around that the reason he decided to induce me at 41 weeks was because the baby was transverse and he thought I would need a section. I didn't need to know that, as apparently it was nothing to do with me. I learned all this later from the doctor who replaced him, who became a personal friend.

Mind, this was 20+ years ago and the tests were not as sensitive back then as they are now.

Just that it then feels to family and friends like you are pregnant forever