If you have a great relationship with your teen or adult children, how do you think you got there?

[UncleBensWife]

I wonder this because I hope to be close to my kids when they are older as I’m not at all close with my parents and feel let down at times but that’s another story.

Listen. Discuss. Don't judge. Dont try and make them clones of you. Support their passions. Pick your fights.

My 16 yo DD is a mini-me - we have similar tastes in eg politics, opinions, music, film, books & clothes. I can anticipate her quite well & we are v compatible. We talk about her friends etc, school subjects, her hobbies & social life. I love seeing her enjoying life.

We've always had a close connection & her DS brother was burn when she was 5 so was at school by then. He's a different animal altogether & i'm less in synch with him due to my lack of eg performance car knowledge! I'm looking forward to his teen years to see how he matures. I give him a lift to school (20 mins) which DD didn't get, and we use this time to have little chats, just the 2 of us.

I find our dynamics are always closer after holidays. Term time is harder to sometimes keep up with them.

What Kezzie said, plus don't try and be their best mate when they're teenagers...be their parent. Make decisions they may not like, set boundaries and stick to them, but always be there for them.
Ds and I are amazingly close now (he is 23) but we've had our battles to get here.

Pick your battles-don’t focus on pointless things.
Let them have some (controlled and sensible!) freedom/independence/choices from an appropriate age.
Talk and listen to them-show an interest in what they have to say.
Have sensible boundaries rather than arbitrary rules.

Be a parent but never treat as inferiors or rubbish their opinions or feelings. Listen, never judge, don’t sweat the small stuff and don’t try to live through them.

I echo what Kezzie & ladymariner said.

Three sons in their 20s now & we have a great relationship.

You are already on the right path. Just wanting to is a great start.
Forget trying to remain fully in control over them. It’s patronising and frustrating for them. Remember and reflect on your experience. If it didn’t feel good for you, then change it for your children.
Listen to them, even if they are going through the grunting stage. Let them grunt, don’t suffocate them, trust them, learn from them. Negotiate, and don’t sweat the small stuff.
If your worried and they are not great at talking loads, write to them.
Loads of praise and encouragement, no disappointment in them, only their behaviour if necessary.
Respect their privacy, and their choice of friends. Two really important things to teens and young adults.
I’ve loved the teen years so much with all three of mine. Looking forward to the little ones getting there

Let them know you’re on their side. Even when you’re nagging them about chores and homework, let them know it’s because you’re with them, not against them.
Stand up for them. Let them have appropriate freedom. Spend time with them.
Make them do chores from a young age so you don’t resent their lazy ways later on.
My friend swears that all her friends who had kids that were active or did sport, were more agreeable teenagers.

Set boundaries for them. Be their parent, you're not their best friend. Listen to them. Let them learn by their own mistakes. Say No! Give them your time. Teach them basic life skills. I don't know what the magic formula is, but I have a great relationship with my two DD30 and DS21. I tried to be everything my mum wasn't when she brought me up. X

First of all, pick your battles. Then accept that adolescence can last a different length of time for each child. Then accept that bad temper (particularly in boys) can be down to hunger. Accept they'll eat four good meals a day.

Also with boys, remember they want to fit in (more than girls, I think, who often - in my experience - enjoy complaining about their hard lives ) - I found if my son was well-fed, had a few quid to spend when he was out with friends and was allowed out roughly as long as they were, he was very, very easy to deal with. I might have been lucky, though.

Mine are 14 & 15 and I have a fantastic relationship with them. Now I don't know if they'll change as they get older or if it's luck, good parenting or what! Dd has always been my shadow and ds is laid back.14 yo ds will tell me everyday he loves me even in front of his mates!

I'm fully aware they could be complete nightmares over the next few years but I love the teenage years so far.

A good thread, I was thinking similar thoughts at a recent family event when my siblings and their children were there (mine is still just the pre-teen stage!), we were all up dancing and chatting and I was wondering too.

Parenthood is not a popularity contest. It is about making the hard decisions sometimes. I think I'm quite strict but I do listen to DD's point of view, I don't just steamroller in with needless rules. We encourage her to try different things and research anything she is interested in. If there is something she's not allowed to do at the moment (some social media, for example) she knows why we think it's not for her just now. Also, we make time for her - if she needs help with her homework or to talk about something we are there, she knows she can talk to us if she wants.

The flipside of that is sometimes she wants to work through stuff herself on her own, and we let her do that too.

Oh good question op

Never ridicule their ideas.
Teach them to respect themselves and others.
Always have their backs.
Be there when they need you every time.
Don't make them feel they owe you.
Be the parent not the mate.
Let them know the bottom line is they're more important to you than any man or object.
Love them.

This is great, I have young DC, a boy and a girl and I am looking forward to all the ages and stages and I totally hear what the posters say about about setting boundaries but also be there and listen.

Oh to answer your question I've always been firm but pretty fair. They've been brought up to be polite and respectful to others, I won't tolerate any cheek from them either. I have 3 nephews who are rude and cheeky mainly as my lovely but too laid back brother & dsil aren't firm and don't set any boundaries for them.

I'm not perfect bloody far from it but so far I'm proud of the kids I'm raising alone.

I was super strict and had very high expectations of dds when they were little.
They turned into delightful teens.
I think because they learnt from a young age things like manners, respect for others, how to discuss and hold a conversation (used to eat together and discuss our days etc) they were knew how to handle themselves.
They knew I was interested in them and their views and support their hobbies.. Not just ferrying them to and from stuff but enrich it. For example my dd2 is keen hockey player, so I got tickets to world Cup and took day off work and took her..even though I find hockey boring..
By being strict when they were younger I think it also instilled in them that I was the adult and they never pushed boundaries as teens. I always discussed and explained why we had certain rules.. Like no phones after 9pm etc.

Be honest, listen and be a parent not a friend. Offer advice but don’t be offended if they don’t take it. Be the one who’s there for them and the one who sorts shit out if needed.

Listen, support, don't judge, be fair, firm and consistent.

My DD has just started Uni and when I got home she had left me a small present and card beside my bed.

Among the things she had written she wrote; thank you for being such a great Mum, I hope when I have a daughter that we have the same relationship that you and I do.

Obviously I was in bits but it was also the point at which I thought to myself - I've done a good job here!

She was a strong willed and hot headed child and not without challenges but this now presents as a strong female who knows her own mind.

I agree with everything above, but I would add a sense of humour. Laugh off when they are being completely unreasonable (Not in front of them of course) laugh with them, be silly. Don't stop having fun with them, have funny adult conversations. It is a balancing act, they are basically adult sized toddlers who think they know better then you. Sometimes they might, and if your lucky they may ask for help when they are not... I love my teens and have a very good/open elationship but they know how to push my buttons

Mine are 27dd and 16ds . Still parenting the 16yr old ds but have a good relationship with him, looking forward to him coming out the adolescent end though.

I think not trying to be a cool mate - be the parent but pick your battles.
Respecting their privacy and not getting too involved in their social life ..don't ask them millions of questions about what they've done when they've been out..they'll let you know if they want to.
Having a common interest helps.
Have your own life, don't live through your child.

"If you don't wash, your friends will tell you. If you don't study, you'll clean toilets. If you call me an old fat twat again, I will stop listening. And stop lying, it means you think we're both stupid. I'm not, and neither are you".

Had to repeat that a few times, but it sank in eventually. An extraordinarily painful time, even worse than my schooling because I thought I was fucking someone else up.

I think the first glimmer of hope came when she showed moral courage, and two months later asked if we could do Father's Day together. So we went to London and did the museums and Chinatown.

Six years later, she's now a domestic goddess, a fearsome matriarch and a pretty good SEN teaching assistant. I knew I'd got it right when she said "you're like a girlfriend, only fat and bald". DGS is the icing on the cake.

For me, I found not sweating the small stuff, and being consistent and fair, were the key to developing a good relationship. I was quite laid back about certain things (tv, gaming, alcohol) because he was not really one for pushing boundaries. I was strict in other respects (no GTA, school was non negotiable, manners were also important). In return, he has never really given me any reason to worry and we get on great.

I also was super strict, no shouting or smacking needed but if a behaviour merited a punishment I followed it through. Toys went in kitchen bin and could be rescued with better behaviour only had to put something in the big bin once! I patented and set expectations and was consistent.

Also spending quality time , even though I worked full time - we did a lot together as a family. Lots of conversations, eating together every day, bedtime reading etc.

Agree with all posted.
Found those who did organised sport had less time and inclination to get into trouble.
Tried to eat together every night with TV off to discuss our days.
Be the parent and pick your battles. Untidy room, close the door, they will get sick of it eventually.
Important talks done in the car as they could not escape.
Helping around the house from an early age. They had there own night to cook from ages 9 and 10.
Pocket money in high school $50 per week. People said it was too much, but it covered school lunches, hair, make up, outings, outfits, phones presents everything. They learned how to budget and are very good with money now. Stopped when they got part time jobs at 15.
Now 21 and 22 working and studying and great women.