If you have a great relationship with your teen or adult children, how do you think you got there?

[UncleBensWife]

I wonder this because I hope to be close to my kids when they are older as I’m not at all close with my parents and feel let down at times but that’s another story.

Make sure they know you are always on their side and believe in them. Children live up to your expectations of them, so always talk about them positively and make sure they know how proud you are of them. When my youngest was in her early teens, we had some battles over make up, sizes of heels but also who her friends wanted to mix with and where they wanted to go. Her friends were causing her (and me) stress. A colleague who was older and more experienced than me, advised to let the small stuff go, but stick to my guns when it was something I was not happy about, even if my daughter kicked up a stink. I followed this advice, which at times was very painful to do. However, only 2 or 3 years later, my daughter was saying thank you to me that I had stopped her doing certain things and going to certain places or wearing clothes she by then thought looked ridiculous. Encourage interests in teenage years to help them from being too introspective, joining a team that has a shared vision whether it is sport or drama etc, to help them be less self concious. My children have grown into very interesting and interested young adults, who are productive and thoughtful. I am constantly amazed at them and how we could have produced them !

Luck if I'm being honest.

Mine aren't sporty and I wasn't super strict ( though I did have firm ideas about what I'd tolerate,and how people should behave to each other).
Talk a lot,listen a lot,pick your battles,find things you can do together that you all enjoy.Don't be afraid to backtrack if you think you've got something wrong.Everyone to apologise to everyone else if needed.
It could just be luck though.DH isn't wasn't particularly close to his family,but I was close to my parents and Gran,and still am with my sister - she's close to her children too.So I expected to get on with them and I expected them to get on with each other,but it may just be luck that it worked out!

Being a parent, not a friend and not giving a damn if he liked me or not.
Being consistent and hopefully, fair.
Not being afraid to give a boot up the arse when needed.
Having a sense of the ridiculous, and never forgetting what it was like to be a teenager.

He's 23 now and back at home job hunting post MA. We all seem to rub along fine.

It helps if both parents are on the same page and parenting the same way. XH completely undermined me with DD1 and rewarded her bad behaviour. My relationship with her is better since she became a mum herself, but still where I would like it to be. It probably never will be where I would like it to be.

With DD2, it is great, but I was her parent, not her friend, during her teens. She grew up vastly in her first term at university and is now saying that if she gets the job she would like later in the year that she would like to move back to living near us, so I must have done something right.

Don't make too many rules! A friend had rules about having having a school bag packed by 8pm, going upstairs to bed at 9pm, lights out by 10pm, getting out of bed by Xam..... the trouble with rules is that they're going to be broken, then you get into arguing, then punishment, then anger...... so unnecessary.

Another friend of a friend made her DD scrub skirting boards with a toothbrush as a punishment.

Be firm but fair. You can have xyz when you've done abc.

Most of all though, make time for them, make sure they know you love them, tell them you love them, make sure they know they are your priority. My parents did none of these things

Oh - and get a dog! They glue families together.

I'm not sure why it is and can't offer any advice other than the advice given already.
However, my adult sons in their twenties are a delight and the youngest (21) who still lives at home, hugs me and tells me he loves me every single day.

Mum to a 15 year old son, it's taken us a long to get here but now we get along great. I know it's important for him to fit in socially so I make sure that can happen ( as long as it's realistic!!). I also listen to him, joke with him and talk to him.

I had him quite young ( I'd just turned 23) and I think we've kind of grown up together.

That's not to say we have a perfect relationship but compared to other families I know we're doing ok! I'm actually quite enjoying the teenage years come back and ask me again when DS2 hits this stage

Be available for lifts, it’s amazing what they will tell you at 2 am. Don’t judge, listen and like others set boundaries. We were the strict parents but DC and friends congregated at our house.
DD’s are 24 and 22, we have a wonderful relationship.

Say yes to everything you can, so when you say no, they know you really mean it.

Be consistent. If they are going for a sleepover at 14 ask for contact details for the other parent, and ring to check it is ok, so when you want to check unknown friends out at 16/17 they expect it.
Be flexible, say yes to friends staying over last minute, offer meals/a bed/ whatever for friends. Always have pizza and ice cream in the freezer so yours is the house their friends come to.

Watch what they like, listen to their opinions, laugh with them.

Set clear expectations and boundaries.
Be available - they will want to talk at 11.30 just as you want to go to bed.

Set family rhythms - meals together x times a week if possible, keep family traditions going, perhaps play board games together or watch a series on the telly together that they like.

Me an my daughter are pretty close, she plans a summer hol together, just the 2 of us, has done for years - she is 19yo now.

I don't know how it happened, i'm not a great parent and its been bl00dy hard at times, to some extent its down to what your given - nature V nurture thing.
I just tried to give her the childhood i never had.

Set fair and consistent bounderies so they know where they stand and feel secure.

Listen, talk. Spend time now and again 1-1 and let them know you love that time and listening to them.
Get to know their friends. Even the ones you dont like yet.
Talk about morals, kindness, friendship, resillance and strength.
When they become teens trust them to make the right decisions in difficult situations, let them make mistakes.
Let them know if you are proud, happy, disappointed or angry with them and talk about it. Even if it's a little thing like helping a friend, or coming home when a party is getting out of control. Listen if they are angry at you..

We get on very well with our 14 & 17 year olds (both boys). They have an elder brother who is severely disabled and we have had an awful lot of major stress with him over the last few years. He also has very severe outbursts when distressed. It means a) we have never sweated the small stuff and b) we recognise when behaviour is distress rather than something else (esp important for ds3). We’re also used to setting boundaries in challenging circumstances when we have to. Ds2 also seems to admire how we have dealt with all the major problems (which makes me feel a bit odd, but it definitely means there is respect which probably helps).

We still have teen disagreements - ds2 had a tantrum by text today because I hadn’t prepared his lunch (wtf?). I said at 17 I expected him to be able to make his own lunch. Some stroppy back & forth, but when I got back he came out of his room shouting ‘oi’. I said ‘don’t you dare bully me about lunch’ and we ended up killing ourselves laughing about my use of the word bully. He’d eaten by them so was no longer hangry. That’s what I mean by not sweating the small stuff. You can have a laugh and don’t have to ‘win’ every row.

Ds3 needs a slightly firmer approach (he’s more anxious so needs very clear boundaries) but again is growing to to be easy to be with.

We’d never really been on a proper holiday (due to ds1) but the four of us went on one last year for a week & got on really well. This summer we’re interrailing together - I suspect it’s the last time ds2 will come on holiday with us (that’s another thing - let them grow up). I reckon even though we’ll be hot and it will be hard work & ds2 is missing boardmasters (he had the choice & he chose family) we’ll enjoy the trip without too many fallings out.

I enjoy being with them. Yes they’re often PITA’s in the way only teens can be and may occasionally need to be reminded the world doesn’t revolve around them but they’re funny, enthusiastic and interesting. I love seeing how they’re growing into their own people - very different from each other (& us).

I do like teens in general though (used to teach them). Love their stroppiness and attitude and opinions & the mix of immaturity and nearly adult-ness.

I actually think a lot of it is outside our control though. Ds2 and ds3 have both found really nice groups of friends. It really helps.

Listen
Try to see things from their perspective.
Accept that they are no longer children but 'trainee adults' .
Understand that serious issues to them ARE serious even if you don't get it.
Don't try and be their mate but DO NOT be a helicopter parent.

Encourage independence from an early age. Start young . Age 11 with responsibility for their own laundry. I have 7. They have all done this. It teaches responsibility for own actions. Haven't washed your favourite jeans ? Left all your pants in a pile under your bed ? Won't have anything to wear to go out then. ! Not my problem. It takes a few weeks but they all get their head round it.
Pack lunches. Make your own. I have provided everything in the larder or fridge. Your job to assemble it. Can't be arsed ? You will be hungry then. Do it once or twice usually enough to get the message.

Employment as soon as possible. This is a great one. Teaches punctuality and responsibility to those outside family. Mine have worked in a garden nursery, cafe, campsite, etc. One weekend day until GCSE's finished and then more. Surprising how they value money when they earn it themselves and therefore understand family finance better.

Sex. It is going to happen. My girls have all discussed when (and why) they are going to have sex . (Interestingly the boys are much less open) Try and talk about it in purely unemotional practical terms. Keep the discussion around contraception and sexual health (unless asked for advice on technique 🙈).

Don't judge ? I'm not so sure. If they are being dicks by all means judge. Give your opinion freely. Accept that it's your opinion and not theirs. Let them make their own mistakes as long as they aren't life threatening.

Talk.