Feeling really low tonight and cant sleep

[Jenasaurus]

I have been reflecting on the last 12 months, and feeling incredibly sad, I have work in 3 hours but really dark thoughts are going round and round in my head.

I lost my lovely mum 6 months ago, she had cancer and Alzeimers, I know its a cliché but she really was my best friend as well as my mum. I am in a job where I am being bullied by a colleague that I actually interviewed and offered him the position, he has now shown his true colours and is being aggressive and rude to others so I am having to deal with that. My long distance relationship is coming to an end after 6 years, I have had my eyes opened recently to how badly he treated me, a colleague said to me, that she understood as when we are lonely we assume any relationship is better than none.

I have 3 lovely DC in their 20s, my eldest DS is moving out and buying a place with his DGF, My middle DS has already left home, but he works with me so I know I will still see him, My DD is still at home but all loved up with her DBF (he is a lovely lad). I am happy for them, but its come to my attention how alone I am, I have no close friends, just acquaintances. I would like to travel, but not sure travelling alone would make me happy.

I feel like I am in a very bad place at the moment, and cant stop having bad thoughts, if anyone is awake and happy to chat, please talk to me. I am very lonely at work and at home and I don't know how to cope with these feelings.

I am awake OP, for very different reasons though. I'm so sorry you are feeling so down. Do you have no support on dealing with the situation at work?

Hello Drogosnextwife its complicated at work. My manager is really lovely and supportive, I explained to her how I was feeling and she said she had reservations about employing him when she interviewed him with me. I have basically been getting more and more withdrawn and she noticed and asked me what was wrong, I explained about his aggressive outbursts, and spiteful comments just out of earshot of others and said I feel like a sponge absorbing all his negative emotions. He moans none stop about everyone in a really awful way. He is however good at the technical side of the work. My manager said he it was only ever intended for him to be temporary and she wont be making him permanent and asked me to hold out as he is needed to cover my break and then she will resolve things, but I feel guilty about him possibly being got rid of because I simply cant get on with him and feel that maybe I should leave as I am the one with the issue.

If you don't mind me saying, now is definitely not the time to think and resolve all this stuff. Can you distract yourself with some soft music to temporarily stop yourself from churning through it all.

And maybe a milky drink and read a novel. Plus deep slow breathing.

It won't make all your problems go away, but it stops that feeling of being overwhelmed by it all at a very unhelpful time of night when everything seems so awful.

Also, we can give you some practical support about your work problem if you drop a post onto the Employment Issues Board

Just nipping back to bed for a few hours, just didn't want to read and run as they say, take care xx

thanks Daisychain I know what you mean about the time of night, I always seems to be about now when I start overthinking

I would say that's a good thing then. You should absolutely not leave. Just hold on in there and that's one 5hing that wiĺ be resolved eventually. In the mean time talk to your HR department, he shouldn't be allowed to get away with that.
Your children seem pretty settled and happy so that's also a good thing.
Shame about your relationship and I think your colleague is right sometimes we do hang o to relationships for fear of being lonely but sometimes those relationships make us lonely. You will see it more clearly when you have gotten thought it. My mum always said, " everything works out in the end". I like to think of that when I'm going through a depressing time.

OP your story is remarkably similar to mine right now, aside from the employment issues, and I am also wondering where I go from here.

I lost the love of my life last May and life has been grim ever since. Various other things have happened with family members and I feel so alone and worthless. My kids are there for me but only if I actually ask them.. nothing seems to be volunteered and that makes me feel a burden.

I do really wonder if there is any point going on....

Hi. This is such a bad time to make sense of all your feelings.
I'm so sorry about your mum. I feel that it's very early days and that her passing is still so raw.
You sound so lovely. Your post is full of caring so much so that you're even worried about an employee who is being dreadful.

The man in work. He sounds that he is making everyone's life a misery. It's not down to you not coping with it. It's him causing it.

Could you seek support for your grief. For the changes you're going through. It seems like you've moved into a lot of new life stages all at once. Loosing a parent , children becoming independent and an end of a relationship.

It's ok to find it hard. You need to be kind to yourself and get support.

For now try downloading head space. It'll help you relax and clear your mind.

cantfindname - sorry to hear your going through something similar too. I also think this time of year makes everything magnified. I am surrounded by happy couples and it sort of brings it home that I am alone. I have to officially end my relationship this weekend and not looking forward to that, despite knowing its the right thing to do, I feel sick just thinking about it. I don't think I love him still, but I have got used to him, I am 54 in March and really think this was my last chance of a relationship.
Have you anyone in RL you can talk to? I am hear for a while so would like to help if I can

CushionCuddle - love your user name btw. My DD would want me to offload on her, but she shouldn't have to deal with her mums issues. I think I will get a little sleep if I am able and try and put it out of my head for a while. Thank you for posting and making me feel like I am not totally alone x

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Firstly though, it is important to acknowledge that your current feelings (considering your mother’a passing and the end of your relationship) are completely normal. They really are. Secondly, being alone with our thoughts in the small hours always seems to make things feel so much worse than perhaps they truly are. Having recently lost my DMIL to vascular dementia and watching my DH come to terms with this has been incredibly difficult. He too, despite our wonderful relationship has spoken about feeling alone and empty. I think considering this major shift in your life that counselling could help. Is this something that you would consider? The ending of a relationship that is not working, for either party, is always better in the long run. Difficult to see at the time, but it is. Sorry I’m aware I’m rambling but honestly, it sounds like you have 3 well adjusted, happy grown kids. You’re half way there. Consider counselling to help you through your grief and to help you open up new opportunities to address your loneliness. Wishing you well.

Also, the guy at your work - his behaviour is on him. Try to close yourself off to that. Talk to HR etc of course but emotionally - close yourself off to it. An earlier poster is right, you sound so lovely and caring.

Thank you for your response Rafabella I think you are right and counselling may help. I am feeling a little better now having mulled it over and read a few threads on here, I need to keep my head busy so I don't dwell on things. I wonder if the stress I feel with my colleague is deferred grief for my loss of my mum. I am battling with the urge to resign and hide at home under my duvet for a few weeks until the clouds shift, but I know that wont really be the answer.

I feel a little under pressure to keep going and not let the DC see how I am feeling. My middle son who works with me, said he was proud of me, and how I had overcome being forced to sell my home when my 28 year relationship with his dad split up, but sorted out a flat for myself and 2 DC at home. dealt with 50k of debt from the breakdown, and managed to get a good job following being made redundant and lose 4 stone, all in a 2 year period. Its him saying how proud he is of me that has made me think I cant crumble now. Life isn't fair is it, I once was told, you are never given more to deal with than you can manage but I am really struggling, and I think my mum was my rock and the person that was always there, so loving and caring, non judgmental and now there is no one, no rock, just loneliness and a black hole. Sorry going down emotionally again.

I will have a bath and get ready for work, that should help

Thanks for the replies, have a good day all

I am in a very similar position to you in several respects and have found the last week or so very hard, waking up weepy and really beginning to wonder what the point is. I have been to counselling which really helped but right now have the builders in so no money for it.

Thinking it through, I've been so many people's carer for a long time that I've forgotten what I actually need! I have resolved to try some self-care every day, start reading again, plan for my future by building back up the things that I used to love.

I read this recently and it echoed with me!:
“I know you’re sad, so I won’t tell you ‘have a good day’. Instead, I advise you to simply ‘have a day’. Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don’t give up on yourself just yet. It’ll be better soon. Until then, have a day."

You are most definitely overwhelmed emotionally and completely understandable. Previous events have proven your resolve and inner strength. What an insightful DS to point it out to you. I stress you would benefit from grief counselling - this is the single most important thing you can do for yourself. You'll get there. You honestly will.

I find it comforting to put the tv or radio on quietly in the background if I wake in the small hours. Have you thought about joining some social groups to make more friends? If you have a faith, maybe go to church for some spiritual solace. Try and keep busy.

You sound awesome! What an inspiring story and how proud your family must be of you.

As for the guy at work, please don't allow his own personality issues and clearly he is insecure, affect your own self worth. Rereading your account of the work situation, I don't think you have anything to worry about esp given your manager's stated support of you. Watch and wait is my advice, I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't let go of in the near future. Your manager will not want to lose your goodwill. So please don't resign.

I would visit your GP and ask for a short course of mild low dose sleeping tablets, to last a month, just to get you over this current bad patch. Or alternatively a sedative like Phenergan 10mg child's dose is good for drowsiness at night to help you relax. Getting good quality sleep is critical, and it stops you worrying.

During this same month, maybe set yourself a couple of targets to lift your mood - join a local club or society, take up a hobby or reenergise an existing one. Sometimes changes well-made can shift you to a completely new place in your life especially after bereavement (I did it after losing my beloved DH, and it eventually led me to my DH2 also around the new year time!)

Take care of yourself x

Some lovely messages on here. I didn't feel I could read this thread and not comment.
The small hours are terrible for over thinking and feeling low. You've had a lot to deal with over the past 6 months and it seems that perhaps it's all caught up with you? The continuous 'new year, new me' conversations can make you feel low and also the come down from the togetherness from Christmas.
However I think you've totally got this! Your manager sounds incredibly supportive to your work slump so I definitely wouldn't resign. Your colleague sounds like a moron! Your children sound wonderful and all settled which must feel so lovely.
I'm really sorry to hear about your mum - I'm only 33 (expecting my first baby in 4 weeks) and my mum is totally my best friend! I lost my dad when I was 20, sudden heart attack at 56, and I still feel sadness especially with the baby coming. Be kind to yourself here, and just embrace however you're feeling about your mum.
You definitely aren't too old for another relationship - the ideas here of finding a hobby, joining a group etc are something to think about. It'll provide new experiences, purpose and also friends. There are also lots of holiday tour groups that cater for singles - that would be very brave but also quite exciting!
I hope you can find some strength and positivity from these posts because you sound lovely, and just need a little boost.

Take care xx

Travelling will not stop you being lonely but it will make the scenery more interesting

How did your day go today ?

Thank you for asking cushioncuddle my day wasn't so bad, but this morning I woke up to a long email from my STBX basically a blame email diverting any responsibility from himself for the way his treatment of me makes me feel. As I read it I realised I was numb, had no reaction where previously I would have been hurt and desperate to get him back on side. I realise being lonely in a relationship is far harder than being lonely when you are single. Anyway, I know its a bad way to end a relationship but I ended it with a reply email, it was a nice one..this is how I replied to his very long blame email.

^My email wasn't sent to make you feel bad or responsible for my sadness. I made the decisions that have resulted in this, no one else. I do love you but realise we are never going to fulfil the other ones needs and we are totally incompatible. I know some women do have similar relationships to ours and have no issue with their husband/boyfriend talking constantly about other women they would like to sleep with, but those women are either doormats with little self respect for themselves or their boyfriend balances things out by also gives them compliments and reassurance that they are loved and who they want to be with.

I could send a very long email but at the end of the day I think we have both said all we need to say. I will always have a place for you in my heart and I take on board that some of the issues were caused by me. I realise being lonely in a relationship is far harder than being lonely when you are single.

Take care"^

I hope that he will now let me move on and he also moves on with his life. He did mention the OLD profile in his email to me, and basically accused me of blaming him for the activity! I am still uncertain if it was him or not, but I know 100% this is it and there is no going back as we are both unhappy and incompatible.

I had a long chat at work with a colleague about my mum and what she went through at the end of her life, he is going through something similar with his MIL and was very easy to talk to and it helped sharing.

Thank you for all the supportive posts, you have made me feel like there are people who care just when I was feeling very low and sad.

I think you're amazing ! In one day you have achieved so much.

You've talked about your mum with a colleague and ended what appears to an outsider a psychologically abusive relationship.

Please consider getting counselling. It can make such a difference.

I thought your email was excellent. Btw. You have strength and determination you don't know is there. You have no idea how difficult it is for someone to walk away from men like your ex.

From your few words I can see a very kind, caring , strong woman. What we need now is for you to see that too.

Thank you for your kind words CushionCuddle It means a lot to hear your thoughts on the situation. I have been trying to end things for a long time and I know if I did it face to face he would draw me back in. In a way the fact he lives 3 hours away makes it easier to move on from. I am going on holiday with his DD next year but she is my DDs best friend and has been in my life since the age of 5 and I want to maintain that relationship as she is lovely.

And you're making plans. Every time you write there is positivity.

Because he lives so far away I think you should be able to separate your D friend and your ex.

Keep making plans. Plans are good.

Another plan - Salsa Dancing with my DD, we both want to exercise more and hate the gym so we thought this might be fun, hopefully I wont embarrass her