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Original poster

When were/are you expecting your kids to be 'independent'?

40 replies

autumnwalksguide · 02/01/2019 21:58

It seems to divide MN - when were/would you expect your kids to be independent of financial support from you?

We're planning our retirement, and that is dependent on not supporting the kids anymore (ie our income/savings/pensions are there to fund us, and only us).

DH counting that once they have their first steady job, they need to become independent and live within their means. I agree that this would be ideal but from MN threads it does not always seem to be the case.....

So - what are your experiences, and are you expecting/counting on the fact that your DC's may well be living at home well into their 20's/30's. How do you envision financing that?

OP posts:
marvellousnightforamooncup · 02/01/2019 22:37

They can live with us but they will have to share the bills. Once they're adults and working they can contribute.

BackforGood · 02/01/2019 22:40

Totally depends on circumstances.
If the dc are able to be working in a well paid job or if they are only picking up some hours on a zero hours, low paid contract.
If they have not tried very hard to improve their lot, or if they have just been unlucky with circumstances.
If you need your money for what you want to do in retirement, or if you will be leaving it to them anyway, and feel it might actually be more useful now, than when you are gone. Or maybe you want to gradually drip bits of money from when they are young rather than get it all taxed when you go.
Where their job is / what the living costs are where you live.

NonvalidUsername · 02/01/2019 22:45

One of them never - she is severely disabled.
Her older sister I don't know - my opinion has been kind of swayed by the younger one iyswim so I'm probably not the best person to provide an opinion because it's so skewed and we are so far from the norm.

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Families
Original poster
autumnwalksguide · 02/01/2019 23:12

It's also the age old question of equity in housing; our plan is to downsize early into somewhere suitable for old age. We've seen parents/peers parents end up in a nightmare situation of bad location/building/size for the inevitable difficulties of old age. We want to get into somewhere small, manageable and lovely for old age much earlier than we would necessarily need it, release equity and use that as a 'base' while we travel and do all the things we want to while we still can. Keeping a family home/supporting adult children will massively change the timeline, so we want to be as realistic as possible!

Our kids are still under 18, so we are at least a decade away from this being a reality! Good to hear how it worked out for other people.

From our own experience, we (and our siblings) were all off the 'family payroll' by 22. But is this still possible now, rather than 30 years ago.....

OP posts:
DramaAlpaca · 02/01/2019 23:19

DS1 & DS2 are 25 & 24, working full time & living away from home, but we still help them out from time to time so they aren't completely off the family payroll. That's fine because we want to & can afford to. I suppose I'd think of them as being completely independent when they are settled with families of their own but they are both still in the early stages with their careers & nowhere near settling down.

Exgiraffe · 02/01/2019 23:20

We live in a small flat and they share a room. So I suspect they will want to leave as soon as they can.

I plan on gifting them money for many years into adulthood but don't think we'll be able to afford paying for rent, board etc for them.

Exgiraffe · 02/01/2019 23:23

Actually my ds8 has asked if he can live with us when he is an adult and I said yes he could if he splits the rent and bills with us as we could afford to move to a bigger place. So this could become a possibility!

BillyAndTheSillies · 02/01/2019 23:26

My parents have got two different scenarios, I went to uni, straight in to work, met DH, bought a flat etc. That was 8 years ago, I was 22 when I was totally independent of my parents.

My DB on the other hand is a perpetual student, works retail for a few months to fund his next masters, goes travelling etc. He's 25 and about to come home from a year abroad studying. The way the property market is in the part of London we live in, he won't be able to afford somewhere to live on his own. It'll probably be another 10 years before he moves out permanently. To be fair, when at home he contributes to all bills and cooks for my parents every night. They're mortgage free so don't ask for rent.

DH's parents almost have two sets of children. DH and his DBil1, then two years later another two. They're nearly 60 and the youngest has only just started university. Apart from DH, they support all of his brothers financially (even the one who is married, with both in full time employment). I don't think they ever expect their children to become independent (but will jet off on holiday every month leaving DH to deal with bank transfer requests and petrol money questions gggrrrr).

cucumbergin · 02/01/2019 23:39

What do your kids expect? Do they have plans for careers that require an extended period of training/building up massive debt to get started?

If they're planning to go into one of those cliquey professions that basically expect long periods of unpaid/barely paid internships for their whole twenties, then you might need to have a difficult discussion about why certain professions are out of reach for those who are not wealthy. Sadly, social mobility has declined and some fields are now not entirely shut, but basically such a long shot that a kid from the wrong background may be better not throwing away their twenties on it. (There are always exceptions. But exceptions are just that.)

DS is six, so right now I think he plans to stay living with us when he's not orbiting the planet in the international space station. Grin But realistically, I think it's unlikely we'll be able to offer significant financial support during our retirement. DPs pension is pretty minimal and mine is adequate, but not enough to compensate for DP's.

Inniu · 02/01/2019 23:44

DH says “Out the door by 24”

One of the dc has SN and we have a property behind ours for him if he needs it.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 02/01/2019 23:48

Can live with us for however long and I wouldn’t charge rent. But I wouldn’t be sending money for rent if they lived somewhere else, and not funding university either. That’s what jobs/loans are for.

Stompythedinosaur · 02/01/2019 23:50

I expect mine to be independent in their early twenties, but we have savings to help them with a deposit for a house which will make this easier.

Weirdlookingbricks · 02/01/2019 23:52

If you're downsizing could you use some money to help them towards a deposit?

Titsywoo · 02/01/2019 23:56

Early 20s I would hope but you never know what will happen. Dd is 14 and says she'll be moving out as soon as she leaves school (funny as she was always worried about having to grow up and leave us as a young child!). Ds is autistic but he'd be fine to live independently. If he can get work is another matter. He'd be very hard working but only on his terms and about 80% of autistic people are unemployed so it is a worry!

BackforGood · 03/01/2019 00:28

My dc (and dns and friends dc, and dcs' friends) are around early 20s.
The overwhelming majority of dc1's friends (so they are 22, turning 23 this school year) are not financially independent.
They are either doing Masters / PhD (or resit year); or have graduated and not been able to get a 'graduate job'. Many of ds's friends are working zero hours contracts doing things like working in bars, theatres, shops. Some have FT jobs, but one is a lifeguard, one is a hospital porter, etc etc. They could houseshare or rent, (well, the FT ones) but it would be a real struggle. The majority have had to move back home. Those that have got graduate jobs seem to have all got them in rather expensive cities, so, although they are okay in flatshares etc for a couple of years, they get despondent at not being able to afford to start saving and seeing they can never afford to buy, so I've known more than one move back home, to save.
My dc2 is determined she doesn't want to move back in when she graduates, and I understand that, but it isn't automatic that you will earn enough when you graduate, to be able to move out, and be financially independent.

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 03/01/2019 00:55

I'm late 20s now, have been financially independent since about 8 months after I finished my A Levels. Left home then, went travelling (with money I'd earned) then went to uni. Parents were on a low income so I got full student finance and they were not expected to contribute; I topped up with part time work and returned home in the holidays. Had they been higher earners I would have needed their support until I graduated at 22 due to student finance rules.

Went straight into full time work when I graduated, never moved home again. Haven't had any money from my parents since I first went travelling at 19, unless you count the odd train fare when I was a student.

However, my parents do offer a lot of practical support as I have an unplanned dog (long story) and circumstances mean I often need them to look after DDog due to work commitments. I pay for all of DDog's food etc, but they're a massive help on a practical level.

Yulebealrite · 03/01/2019 01:03

I'm hoping that by early to mid twenties they'll have bought their own houses with a bit of help with the deposit from us.

11yrgap · 03/01/2019 01:20

It's a long way off for me but I think I'll be similar to my parents...
Always a room at home if they need it and be able to bail them out/loan them when genuinely needed,not to fund a lifestyle. This could be any adult age.

How things are with housing I wouldn' texpect them to move out when they get jobs but would like to encourage them to plan. Hard to put an age on it really.

If I could afford to throughout their adult life I'd hope to help them out with extras/buy things for their house/pay for holidays and treats.

WhirlwindHugs · 03/01/2019 07:20

It depends a bit doesn't it? Whether they go to University, what they are doing while they are there. I don't envision a bang cut off date as opposed to a tapering off with them sorted by mid twenties.

But I do expect them to start working in their late teens as well as studying, which should reduce the amount of support needed.

We don't have a lot of cash to give them, so if they can fund their living costs through university hopefully we can help a little with deposits, broken washing machines etc.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 03/01/2019 12:03

11yr yes totally agree with that. I don’t really like the idea of just handing out money for rent/deposits as I don’t want them to be dependent on me like that. I don’t think it teaches a good lesson.

Always a room at home for them though.

Idontmeanto · 03/01/2019 12:28

We are expecting to downsize when middle child is 22. (We had a late baby who has thrown our original plans and will have a dependent child into retirement.) if either of the older two want to continue to live in the family home they will be very welcome, but will have to contribute to household costs. Obviously we love them and will help them as much possible into adulthood, but even in their mid/late teens we are having chats about how that will be limited.

Kezzie200 · 03/01/2019 12:34

Be careful what you wish for. Mine were both independent at 21 and 18. However, they also moved away for work, one right oop North when we live in the far South West, so we dont see either of them anywhere near as much as we would if they were at home. There are advantages and disadvantages!

BernardsarenotalwaysSaints · 03/01/2019 12:42

I contributed equally once I had my first full time job (at 18). There were only the 2 of us though. I set up a direct debit that was the full rent amount rounded up to the nearest 100 to my Dad's acct. We never really talked about it, I just checked it would be enough & did it. From what was left I saved half & had the rest to spend (rarely spent all of it though so that usually went in savings too). It meant dh & I could afford the deposit & fees on our first house & get kitted out for our 1st baby too.

I'll expect similar of mine (X amount to us, X to savings, X to spend) if they're still living at home. They have sizable savings accts already with monthly payments in plus half of all birthday/Christmas money.

SushiMonster · 03/01/2019 12:44

Depends how much money you have doesn't it?

I mean, if you can help your children out like still having family holidays, with a house deposit, or money towards a wedding, or if their car breaks down and they are in a low paid first job and need the car for work.

If you cant help, you can't help. But if you can, it is nice to help surely?

BernardsarenotalwaysSaints · 03/01/2019 12:48

It cut my last paragraph off Angry

If they go to a local University so they can still live at home, I'll expect a contribution still (assuming they have a pt job, which they'll be encouraged to have) it will be less than if they were in ft work though.