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Original poster

Re Berevement - who is weird, ,me or DH?

27 replies

TwigTheWonderKid · 02/01/2019 00:33

My dad died when I was 19 and my mum died 2 years later. I am now 47. Whilst I have obviously got on with my life, they were great parents, I was an only child, and there are still times when I really miss them and the grief whilst not as raw as it was, can still be strong.

DH lost his younger brother just over 20 years ago when DH was 25 and his brother was 19. His dad (who was incredibly emotionally cold, bordering on abusive) died 15 years ago, Dh think I am strange for still feeling sad and missing my parents and said "They're not there any more so what is there to miss?"

I totally get that everyone's journey is different but am I alone in finding DH's attitude rather bizarre?

OP posts:
lattesforlife · 02/01/2019 00:36

I don’t think there’s a right or wrong. It depends on so much!

For what it’s worth, my dad died when I was 21, and for the most part life just ticks over. Then sometimes it just bloody hurts SO much, and I miss him so much, as if he died yesterday.

Original poster
TwigTheWonderKid · 02/01/2019 00:38

I agree lattes but for him there never is that hurting so much moment. He literally doesn't feel anything for them any more.

OP posts:
RagingWhoreBag · 02/01/2019 00:43

I’m a bit in between. On a day to day basis it doesn’t really cross my mind and then sometimes I will think or talk about my family who have died and feel guilty for not missing them more.

Other times, very rarely, when I’m upset about something else I will become inconsolable about missing my mum. In fact I have a lump in my throat typing this.

It comes in waves depending how my life is going generally.

Some people probably just bury it deeper than others.

subspace · 02/01/2019 00:45

Grief is so personal to each of us. Neither of you are right or wrong. Though I suspect he's just done the stereotypical man thing of burrying it deep enough that it doesn't hurt

ifcatscouldtalk · 02/01/2019 00:46

Grief can last a lifetime. It can come and go and not be there constantly. You sound perfectly normal to me Twig. I think it's weird that your DH thinks your weird for missing your parents. Perfectly natural I would've thought.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 02/01/2019 00:52

If your parents died when you were young you miss them as people and also miss out on some pretty significant bits of being parented. It’s not surprising that you feel the loss so deeply sometimes.

It sounds like your husband dealt with it differently, maybe because his father was a ‘cold’ man and he had to adapt to that early in life. Is his mother still alive?

ReaganSomerset · 02/01/2019 00:54

I don't think either of you are weird. Different people deal in different ways, that's all.

Gina2012 · 02/01/2019 00:55

DHs view on death is fine for him, not fine for you

It's not a 'one size fits all ' issue

Neither of you are right for the other person

Both of you are right for yourselves

HappyBumbleBee · 02/01/2019 00:57

I can see why it would seem bizarre to you - you were (we all are) brought up differently and a a result we deal with things in different ways. He equally probably finds your way of dealing with loss bizarre.
No one is right and no one is wrong ❤️

abacucat · 02/01/2019 01:11

This depends so much on your relationship with the person. There is no right or wrong way.

springydaff · 02/01/2019 01:18

Well no, no one is right but imo he's being weird.

I don't think you 'get over' a bereavement, unless you didn't love the person that much (rubbish way to put it). I think grief is permanent - you learn to live with it but sometimes it rugby tackles you down even years after the loss.

You were an only child and you lost both your parents when you very young and within a short time. That must have been so hard, no wonder you still struggle with it sometimes. Some bereavements are so shocking they take much longer to reach a steady plateau about.

Kezzie200 · 02/01/2019 01:27

You feel what you feel. You are both right.

Sashkin · 02/01/2019 02:03

I think it depends on how close the relationship was. My DF died when I was 10 and I feel like your DH - I was sad at the time but I don’t miss him now. However we weren’t close (he was a workaholic and we rarely saw him except for weekend meals), so I can’t really visualise what I am missing.

If DM had died, I would have been devastated and still would feel the loss. But she was a very hands on parent, and her dying would have changed my childhood irreparably.

maras2 · 02/01/2019 05:33

I was 20 when my dad died.
I'm now 65 and still miss him.Fortunately DH knew him so we talk about him frequently though not in a maudlin way.
Our kids never knew him but always refer to him as Grandad Maras when they talk about him, asking questions etc.
My sister, me and my brother jokingly refer to him as 'Our Father (Who Art in Heaven). Halo Smile

ShanghaiDiva · 02/01/2019 06:09

Agree with others, neither of you is weird.
My dad died 19 years ago and life does just tick over, but occasionally I can be overwhelmed by grief eg when my son started at university - my dad died 4 months before ds was born.

ChristmasRaven · 02/01/2019 06:14

My Dad died about 20 years ago now. I can’t even remember what year to be honest! There hasn’t been one day that I’ve missed him. He was an abusive asshole and I had a miserable childhood so I feel nothing. I will feel the same when my mum dies. I guess I already stopped feeling anything for either of them while they were alive so them being dead won’t change that.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/01/2019 06:33

I think everyone reacts differently - and it's not sex-dependent either.
A friend of mine lost his son 20 years ago - he still feels it as much now as he did when it happened.
I still miss my Nan, who died 18 years ago.
But an ex-BF wasn't even too bothered when his grandmother died - his rationale was that she was old and sick so what did anyone expect? He was a bit of a cold fish though.

A lot depends on the relationship people had with the deceased as well - but in reality you can't necessarily say that anyone's way of grieving is "wrong" as such, no matter how different it is to one's own way. There are of course exceptions to this - but I don't think either you or your DH Fall into the exceptions categories.

rwalker · 02/01/2019 06:47

Everyones different can't even bear to think about loosing my mum, counting the dads till my dad pops off (abusive/violent twat)

FrostyMoanyWind · 02/01/2019 07:03

Well, I think you're strange for finding his attitude bizarre considering you pretty much gave the reason why in your OP: His dad (who was incredibly emotionally cold, bordering on abusive) died 15 years ago, I'm assuming you wouldn't say the same about your parents?

Perfectly1mperfect · 02/01/2019 07:15

I don't think either of you are weird but he is wrong if he doesn't show you any sympathy when you have times of feeling sad.

He and his brother probably had a very different childhood to yours by the sound of it which explains his attitude to his brother and dads deaths but it doesn't excuse his lack of understanding of your situation.

I am NC with my parents and if find out when they die, it won't affect me. However I can completely understand when people around me are very upset when they lose their parents as they will have had a good relationship with them and will miss them terribly. I can be there for them and help them where I can, sometimes just a hug.

Flowers for you.

ILoveChristmasLights · 02/01/2019 07:42

The price of having an amazing person in your life is the depth of your grief when they die.

What your DH really means is he doesn’t miss his Dad because he didn’t have that love when he was alive, so there’s nothing to miss.

I miss my Dad SO much, it hurts - but i accept it’s the price I pay now for having had my lovely Dad.

I hope your DH doesn’t make you feel you shouldn’t feel the way you do 💐

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 02/01/2019 08:30

I lost my 18 years ago, and my mum 10 years ago. Dad has faded into a memory of kindness, tweed and subtle humour. Mum is much more present, very like the Furies of Greek myth, to whom she was remarkably similar.

The bereavement I feel most deeply is a relative who died recently, a really lovely person who taught me rock climbing. His death was the cruellest imaginable, and took 20 years.

Original poster
TwigTheWonderKid · 02/01/2019 18:29

I totally get why he might not miss his dad, although do I have friends who did not have great relationships with their parents but who were still deeply affected by their deaths. However, I do find it odd that he doesn't miss his brother at all, who was a fun, kind and gentle soul.

DH is a lovely man, but very much a product of his upbringing and I guess I'm a bit scared that if anything happened to me he would be unable to properly support our sons emotionally.

ILoveChristmasLights your post it lovely, thank you.

OP posts:
BlaaBlaaBlaa · 02/01/2019 18:33

Grief is so very personal. My friend had a drunken rant at me once because she didn't feel that I'd grieved for my mum properly. She has no idea how I've actually dealt with it because it's personal to me.

Be careful how you broach this with your DH and I've never really forgiven my friend for offering her opinion on something so personal and private to me.

Notsoaccidentproneanymore · 02/01/2019 18:41

Some people have more emotional depth than others.

I miss my parents terribly. They died 23 and 12 years ago and I still think about them most days.

Dh’s dm died 5 years ago and it didn’t appear to affect him greatly.

However we’ve had a few difficult times over the years, which led to me asking him to leave a couple of times, and one chat where I said I didn’t think our relationship was working anymore. He was really upset and cried. We’re back on track now, but it made me appreciate

Everyone is different. Don’t judge him by your standards of how he should feel.