Driven to despair by my toddler

[User24689]

I've been awake with him since 3. He has never slept. He's 14 months and I haven't slept in 14 months. He's just going from one boob to the other.

He has never taken a bottle and so I've breastfed all fucking night for 14 months. Every attempt at weaning has resulted in extreme distress and hysterical crying which then keeps awake and upsets my 3 year old. I've nobody to look after my 3 year old and she also cries whenever I leave the house.

My parents live far away and in laws are toxic and have repeatedly claimed this is my fault as I'm a soft parent who should have left him crying from the beginning, so offer no support.

He pulls my hair constantly while feeding and whenever I hold him. Every time I pick him up his hands go into my hair and pull, worse if he's tired. I have lost so much hair and it's so embarrassing Nd annoying. I had to take him on a tour of a primary school the other week and the head headteacher had to disentangle my hair from his fist ripping loads out.

I just hate my life right now, I'm so tired. I feel like putting him in the cot getting in the car and driving and not coming back .

Just needed to vent to anyone who is awake.

Oh this sounds so tough. I don't have any advice, but I'm sure others will be along soon with some. for you.

Sorry wolves sounds like you are having a really crap time. Can't really advise as dd had breast and bottle and would do either. Sending you some anyway

Thank you both x

Hi wolves no advice I am afraid but solidarity Am staying at a relatives and have barely slept at all, DS2 14 months is the same, and gets SO distressed if he doesn't get fed instantly. DS1 (3) who usually sleeps beautifully has been awake lots too. Tomorrow should be fun and staying here again for New Year's Eve , so embarrassing keeping everyone awake! Have you tried any sleep training? I haven't yet but think I might have to. I just googled sleep consultants! Xxx

I don’t know if this is helpful but I follow the 90minute sleep plan. It’s a good book that talks about how we are all on a 90minute cycle. As you get older that cycle extends so a toddler for example might be awake for 180mins, but if you start helping them to sleep around their sleepy cycle time it can help. If you miss the window then you might be waiting another 90mins for example. The other thing I was obsessed about was a bedtime routine (at least an hour before bedtime) and I kept this going for months even when I did not think it made any difference and baby still did not sleep. I also persevered with lot letting baby fall as sleep on boob. It was a bloody long and boring process... ewen the sheep, patting tummy and stroking between eyes for about half an hour or more every night. Then gradually withdrawing one of these. I am now going through this all again with a newborn! I some times think I am mad. Good luck OP

Thank you all. Just got him down again tonight after he woke up at 2, waiting with baited breath to see that he settles into deep sleep.

No, we've never sleep trained him. It wasn't something I felt comfortable with and I truly believed he would get there in his own time just like my daughter (she got there at 10 months though and she was bottle fed so it wasn't all on me). I have responded to his every need for his whole life, he has never been left to cry and has been the happiest little boy. It sounds silly but now I feel like if I give in and sleep Train now I might as well have done it six months ago and all the effort and perseverance up to this point is meaningless if I have to upset him now anyway. Does that make sense? I've also googled sleep consultants but I know they will just advise leaving him to cry. We are currently in a small flat with people living in the flat below we will disturb and any crying from him also wakes DD.

I will look into the 90 minute book thanks for that tip.

I recently moved to the UK from another country leaving all my friends so just feel so low at the moment.

I desperately want to wean him. It's like the fact he breastfeeds means in his mind I have no bodily autonomy so he can also just rip my hair out whenever he wants to. He has also started nuzzling his face into me when he's tired and buying my chin and ears really hard. I say a firm no (often really angrily!) and consistently put him straight down but it doesn't seem to make any difference, he always does it again. I love him so much but all this just makes me want nothing to do with him atm and it's also making me really short tempered with DD which isn't fair because it isn't her fault.

I've had similar with all mine, I currently have 13 month old that hates sleep and is awake for hours in the middle of the night. I hate not having the patience or energy for the older kids ATM but it won't last, with my older ones it was much better by 18 months. However for the hair pulling can you work on finding a distraction? I've had issues like that and just kept trying things to keep their hands busy while feeding, DS1 was a terrible pincher and my neck and face looked awful, eventually we found he liked silky labels in clothes and was able to get him to mess with that instead, DD liked rubbing a group of raised moles on my arm, DS2 likes pulling the fur out of a toy lion, whatever works!

That sounds so exhausting. About the hair pulling do you think it might be worth trying a necklace along these lines? Is your hair long enough to put up in a bun out of his grasp? Both DGDs are hair fiddlers and DD has hers fastened into a high bun to stop the hair breakage and loss

The necklace is for you to wear not DS and perhaps you could keep directing his hands towards it?

Oh you poor thing

I know advice isn’t always that helpful on threads like this, but...I was in exactly the same boat with a night time bottle refusing DS. And at 12 months old I made the decision to night wean him as I was completely exhausted - working FT in a full on job and then home to breastfeed all night long. I read ferber’s method of setting a time window and then sticking to it (I started with 12-530am and then gradually extended it to 10pm-6am), and I stayed with him whilst he clawed at my top and cried. BUT, it took 4 nights. Four horrendous nights, and then he got it. I figured I was removing milk but not comfort so made my peace with it (like you I was very against sleep training). And within 3 weeks of weaning he was sleeping through the night 5 out of 7 nights.

Might be worth thinking about? Can your dh/p be on DD duty for the first couple of nights and you just accept as a couple it’s going to be a really really rough week?

Oh, poor you!

You sound very worn down and no wonder.

I am not sure a sleep consultant will just say leave him to cry. You could ask before engaging them.

He does seem to be using your body as his comforter. By this age my Ds has had very squashy bear, and used to chew his ear at night. Your Ds seems to be using you in the same way, and this really isn’t sustainable: Ds couldn’t be away from the bear at night til heceas about 9!

So I would maybe try introducing another cuddly item, create the relationship through play during the day and always tuck him up with it.

Try this for the night weaning.
drjaygordon.com/attachment/sleeppattern.html

He is old enough to understand not to hurt you so a firm ‘no’ and stop feeding every time he tries. Then cuddles and go again.

Could he be teething? Can you try and introduce a toy or something for comfort if you don’t have one already? Have him hold it each time you breastfeed and always in with him when he sleeps.

You have my sympathies and you should be proud of yourself for prioritising your son’s needs. Maybe time to start thinking of yourself now too.

Will he drink milk from a cup? I weaned both of mine straight from bf to cups of cow's milk at about that age. DS1 wasn't very keen so at first he mainly had water to drink and calcium from cheese/yoghurt/milky porridge...

I agree with PP about getting a different comforter for him, a cuddly bear or blanket or both! And get your OH to step up, I had to send my DH in at night so I could night wean mine.

Thank you all for your replies! I got awful tonsilitis last week and then totally forgot to come back to this thread and check replies until now!

So he will drink cows milk from a cup now. He quite liked it so I'm giving it to him first thing in the morning and last thing at night and he occasionally has some during the day if his sister is having some... But it doesn't replace breastmilk for him and he won't have it in the night. I think the reason is that drinking cows milk gives him no comfort, he just sees it as a drink. The sleep association is with the act of breastfeeding

I do tie my hair up, it doesn't matter what style and how tightly, he will get his fingers into it and pull. He will pull out anything I put in.

I've tried necklaces, he will stop feeding and actually play with them, so it stops him from going to sleep. It seems to be the specific feeling of hair around his fingers that gets him to sleep.

We are currently in leap 9 according to wonder weeks. He's turned into a proper toddler the last couple of weeks, I feel like he's really changed and understands a lot more of what is going on. He is extremely
Jealous of I'm cuddling his sister and will come up and hit her or bite her clothes if she's sitting on me. He's a gorgeous boy but I feel like he's getting out of control at 14 months and I don't know where to go from here, might call health visitor this week.

Been up with him since 3am this morning, just wide awake. At 4.30 he woke his sister up shouting so I've been here watching the Gruffalo since 5am! DH has tried to take both kids and they both flipped out at the suggestion so he's now back in bed. Totally over it at the moment. Thanks for all your advice.

Also thanks for the Jay Gordon suggestion, that was basically the method of night weaning we tried but he just got absolutely hysterical. I mean, gulping air, crying to the point of vomiting. We gave in about half an hour into the first wake up and he was crying in his sleep on and off for about an hour afterwards. It just feels so, so wrong.

Might sound weird but maybe try a clip on hair extension from somewhere like Claires accessories or primary and attach that to your top.
My DD is clingy and a terrible sleeper. I feel for you

happypunky that is actually a really good idea! I will have a look for one. At my darkest hours I have genuinely considered shaving my head!

I had this and at 9 months I was done. I paid for a sleep consultant and she told me that there is no way my baby needed any food at nighttime and to remove boobs. Leave a non drip cup of water in cot in case of thirst. Then when they wake and want you, you don't pick up. Just run his back up and down and pat twice his bottom and repeat, you aren't leaving him alone to cry but you are breaking the cycle you have got him into. She was waking every 45 mins at this point and I was broken. Did this for 2 nights and she slept through and has done ever since (aside from teething).
Good luck.

There’s a couple of things jumping out for me.

One is that there is a whole spectrum of parenting between meeting every need and leaving them to cry. It isn’t either/or. Just for now let some words percolate in your mind, to see how you respond to them. “strict” doesn’t sit well with you, but how about “gentle and firm”? Or “kind and fair”? When babies are small they need softness and need every need met and you’ve done that well, but as they grow they need boundaries so we have to adapt our approach.
How were you parented yourself? Do you have any models of parenting in your life that you can emulate? It can be very tricky if we’re trying to parent backwards by not doing what others do, so really important to try and get some positive examples if you can. Blogs and books can be helpful if real life models aren’t great.

The all-night buffet stage is tough. It might help to think of this challenge in terms of helping your child learn to get a good, brain-nurturing sleep rather than think of it as you withholding milk and nurture.

I found that creating some space for my co-sleeping baby between feeds helped. I attached a cot to the side of the bed (leveling g the mattress and ensuring no gaps is extremely important) but I noticed ds started to “starfish” and get used to his own space quite quickly. I was still close.

I started patting him on the back, and murmuring him back to sleep instead of giving boob each time he woke. I’d let him suck on my finger too. Sometimes this is enough and sometimes it isn’t. Sleep advice and methods tend to be all-or-nothing but in real life you need to build in a bit more flexibility.

I suspect, with hindsight, based on a sample of 2 that when they start waking a lot in the night for feeds is actually when they’re ready to start sleeping through.

I night weaned - Jay Gordon method- at this stage. Now it didn't stop early wakes, because if you can't feed in the night, you start the day hours early, right (?!) but it got better pretty quickly afterwards. You'll need someone to help, maybe even do it. Lots of talk during the day, 'tonight when you go to bed, milkies or whatever you call it, is going to sleep as well. If you wake up, that's ok there won't be any milk until morning.' sounds crackers but helps.

Alanamckree Your post really helped me, thank you so much for taking the time to write it. I think I carry so much guilt that I over indulge him sometimes and I'm afraid to set boundaries.

Thanks for the other suggestions too. I have looked into sleep consultants. People have said to me I should tell him there's no milk but I really don't think he would understand that. I mean maybe he would I just never would have imagined that he had the comprehension for it.

Up at 4.45 this morning and just feel totally broken. My 3 year old DD was screaming until 9pm, she tantrumed all day yesterday and at one point slapped me across the face while I was trying to calm me down. She was up at midnight asking for milk and then up at 4.45. DS was as usual up all night and ended up in bed with me. My DH is basically useless because they only want me and DD will kick off at any hour if he tries to deal with her. We now have people living in the flat below so I don't feel we can let her do that, I'm sure they already think there is something wrong with her and maybe there is.

Feeling very very hopeless this morning. I feel we have really damaged DD by our recent move. Sometimes I think if it wasn't for them I just wouldn't want to be alive anymore but then if I didn't have them I wouldn't have half the problems I have.

Does he drink from a sippy cup? If so, could you put expressed milk in that? Otherwise, could you co-sleep?

Thanks .He does. He will drink cows milk from it. It doesn't help him sleep though, it's just like a drink, it brings him no comfort so either he will refuse it at night or it will just wake him up more.

Co sleeping generally doesn't improve the number of wake ups although we did last night because he wouldn't let me return him to the cot after each wake up. He was also very hot last night so I have Nurofen, I think he may be coming down with something.

You know I think that cosleeping would definitely fix the 3.5 year old and sometimes I wonder if I would be better giving in and having both of them in the bed but I think that would be the nail in the coffin for my marriage.

With regards to waking the second child, we also had this issue and found having a loud-ish fan in the sleeping child's room all night really helped. I would then contact a child sleep clinic. We had success in a couple of weeks using Millpond. I couldn't recommend them highly enough as we were tearing our hair out at the time and couldn't imagine there'd be light at the end of the sleep tunnel. Good luck ...

Thanks. She is quite sensitive to noise ( has a few sensory issues in general) so not sure she would tolerate something like that... But anything is worth a shot!

I will look into millpond. I just can't believe how expensive these people are, the price they charge for just a phone call seems like profiteering off people's desperation. But I guess if it works...